Son Misbehaves When Dad's Not Home

You might want to consider talking to him about these things. Sit him down and find out how he feels or what he thinks while he is misbehaving. It might be that he wants the one on one attention. Talk to him like you would when it is an important issue like talking to strangers. It aways helps to know that the person you are talking to has only the ears and the time for you. And sometimes talking to a child a little like a grown up helps too. Just a thought.

Hello from Bethel, Alaska! It sound like your son really needs attention! Give him your attention and spent time with him, show love to him, don't yell at him, show love with your tone of your voice and give hugs. That is the only way to stop him, if you level with his behavior it wouldn't work at all. Just give him your love. That is all I can say. Thank you.

I don't know how available to the phone your husband is during the week so this may or may not work. If your child can communicate well enough on the phone, I would tell him that the next time he throws a fit you will call his dad and he will have to explain to his dad that he isn't minding you. My son was a major tantrum thrower at 2 and 3 and every once in a while I'd have him call dad at work and tell him how things were "going". My husband would just explain that he had to listen to mom and do what I asked. This isn't to make dad the bad guy, just to assure your son that dad knows what's going on and is backing you up. I only did this for the real humdingers and it worked nicely for me.

I also agree that you don't want to give him attention for throwing a fit. Putting him in his room with the baby gate sounds like a great idea. I wish I had thought of that one when my guy was little. When he is being compliant, however, give him lots of praise and attention.

Good luck and hang in there!

Sorry to hear about your husband! My husband was on deployment to Iraq for 18 months and we are so glad to have him back however, it certainly has given us struggles along the way!!! We are working through the changes that occurred both to me and my husband while he was gone. Thank you too you both for your sacrifices!!!

Check out "Love and Logic". It is a great book and is a way of parenting that teaches consequences and problem solving. Whether you choose to use Love and Logic or something else, consistency is the key. You will have to follow through with whatever method you use and your husband will also need to know what rules/boundaries you've made so he can follow through with them while he's around as well.

Good luck!!!

I have found the website http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/ and http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/ and click on child training. No greater Joy helps out military families with free resources as their thank you for serving our country. These are 2 great resources that turned my home into a peaceful place where we enjoy our 4 children. Thank you and your husband for serving our country! May God bless you!

It sounds like your son may be afraid that Dad will be hurt again. I would suggest counselling for your son. Children express fear in so many different ways.

Hi B.,
Sounds to me that your son may just be doing things to get attention. He probably gets enough when his Daddy is around, but can't get enough from just you if you do too much around the house and not enough with him. My daughter was and still can be the very same way, especially when we were waiting for Daddy to be transfered to the area we recently moved to. Over that 7 week time period Daddy was able to be here 3 weekends and during that time I got to "regroup" myself because all the kids were really good for Daddy and Daddy never understood what I was talking about when I said I was being overloaded until he got to have the kids to himself for a weekend almost 2 weeks ago, he hasn't called me a "woose"(sp?) since. Anyways, since realizing it's just attention they were wanting I have a certain time each weekday, usually before nap time, where we sit down all together and either read, draw, or do other works of art, also now and then we'll watch a movie, I just let the kids decide, and I take that time to focus just on them, I don't even answer the phone most of the time. I got this idea from the tv show 'SuperNanny' and a lot of my issues/questions from being a mom of 3 kids, with my oldest still being 3, got answered by her and other moms going through the same trials. Things go much smoother now, I can even get a good dinner on the table at a good time now, and my daughter likes to help me clean the house or at least the messes she makes as well, all a big load off my back. I hope this helps, take care!
~A. S

Your son is craving attention. When his dad is home he gets it but then doesn't when he is gone. Children crave attention, good or bad-they want it. My suggestion is having some special one on one time with just u and him. Try once a week when dad is not home. You will see that this is needed for both of you! A.

Whatever the actual trigger of your son's actions, I think you would be wise to talk it over with your husband and develop a unified plan to deal with it. Your son needs to see that both of you agree on how he is expected to act--and that both of you share the same loving, guiding attitude towards him as well. Can your husband call you on weekday evenings? Your son may be anxious about his father being gone, and he needs the daily reminder that his father cares. Daily email could also help. All of your kids could be feeling some of the same anxiety; they all could probably use daily interaction with their dad (not to mention that you could too!). I'm proud of you, B., for being a go-getter in life!

Hi B. - It sounds like you could have several different things going on and not being there I can only offer to guess but I hope that some of this helps. My husband too was deployed to Iraq. He was gone for 18 months & has been home for a while now. I went through a rough patch with my oldest who was 3 when Daddy left. Because he was young & did not understand why Dad had to be gone he reacted outward. I realized that I needed him out of the house & he too needed away. I was able to enroll him in a small preschool. It was great for him to have this added distraction at the same time helping him to play with other kids, see appropriate behavior, and learn something. He is a very bright kid. Plus it got me some sanity time. It your posting your husband was home recovering & I am sure your son picked up that his dad was needing a softer approach. I am also sure that during this time the two of them bonded tight. You said he is back to work & home on the weekends. Does he come home at night or does he work far from home? If he works far from home & is only able to come on the weekends maybe use some of the techniques that many of us military families use when our loved one is gone. If your husband has access to a computer where he is set up webcams & use an instant messenger every night before bed time. Another idea is to have extra photos of dad around & maybe even blow one of them up, fix it to a large piece of cardboard & have dad "sit" at the table for meals. Take your "Flat Daddy" everywhere.

Do to his age, communication is tough. My youngest has a speech/language delay and he was starting to act out lots when he was younger & that was due to him not being able to get out words he wanted. He had a tough time telling me he wanted something to drink or more to eat. Working with a SLP did wonders (he has been seeing one for 3 years). We started using sign language in addition to reinforcing the correct words that go with. The temper tantrums dropped fast. He also had many ear infections & has been seeing an ENT for a while. It was a good thing because he also had a problem with one ear, he had cholesteatoma (that is extra "stuff" in a small pocket above the eardrum & if not taken car of it can invade the middle ear & cause major problems - my mom had this same problem but did not find out about it in time & had to have re-constructive surgery on one ear). My son just had surgery several weeks ago to clean out that pocket of cholesteatoma (his ENT also put a tube in that ear & took out his adenoids)& I believe that has made a big impact.SO I am saying all of this to think outside the box a little & that maybe there might be a medical issue in addition to his separation anxiety.

Another thought is trying a reward system similar to the things the supper nanny show uses. This last week it covered a family with two boys who had very destructive behavior. I hope at least some of this helps! Take Care

We have had similar issues with our two year old. First, I want to say that he acts out with you because you have been the constant in his life and he feels safe expressing his feelings with you. I know there can be some really low moments when you're dealing with this sort of thing and so it helps to remind yourself of that when things get rough. You've gotten a lot of advice about being consistent, which is absolutely crucial when there isn't a lot of predictability in other areas of his life. BUT, for us, the thing that ended up making the biggest difference with his behavior was stopping the cycle of negative attention. He would misbehave, get in trouble, get angry, misbehave, get in trouble, etc. Finally I realized that almost all of our interactions were negative. I started to do anything I could to defuse the situation (humor, distraction, etc.) and then I would praise his good choices like crazy. Obviously there are certain behaviors that can't be ignored and must be disciplined, but I found that (just like with the negative behaviors) positive interactions led to more positive interactions. He's doing great now...hope this helps!

B. It says in the Holy Bible if you spare the rod you spoil the child, it also says you can beat him and he won't die. That sounds harsh and not politically correct but there are ways that will get his attention along these lines that will ease your load. Your son is testing your authority. Unless you can surprise him, make him realize you aren't the whimp he thinks you are these habits will continue to grow and grow more dangerous. You are the only one that can change this. Sources for helps are loveandlogic.com, Dr Dobson Focusonthefamily.com, Dr. Clouds book boundries for kids. These take time to read, think of something really attention getting and do it now
C. C.

Your letter reminded me of a program hosted by the author of "The Wonder of Boys", Michael Guerian, a book I highly recommend, if you haven't read it. He was working with a family whose father was a professional ballplayer, and was gone from home for long periods of time. Her son was a few years older than yours, but the behavior was the same... acting out anger, which masked the grief and loss he felt when his dad was away. Mr. Guerian showed the mom how to do activities with her boy, and then, casually bring up the subject of dad. He demonstrated this by playing ball with her son, and then leading him to talk while still playing. He said women tend to communicate eye to eye, and men shoulder to shoulder. So when mom would sit her son down to talk about things face to face, her son wouldn't talk. But while playing ball, he started to talk, and they ended up sitting on the back steps, shoulder to shoulder still, but this boy was pouring out his feelings about missing his dad. Guerians's books deal with how the male brain works, and it has helped me immensely to understand my son, and learn how to talk to him. Your son is very young, and probably not able to verbalize his feelings, so he is showing you how he feels by his actions. In my view, he needs much reassurance, redirecting his energy, and comfort. Can he draw a picture of his dad holding hands with him? Or can you have him do a drawing of how he feels when his dad is home, and when he is gone. Art is often a way children express their inner feelings. Also a small photo album of pictures of his dad that he could carry around and look at might help. I know you have a very full plate with 3 kids, a job, and a father who is absent much of the time and you worry about as well. You are doing the impossible, every day. So don't forget to give yourself some of that comfort and reassurance if you can. It might just be a cup of tea when the kids are finally down, a blanket and a good book. Wishing you the best of luck, and good for you for reaching out.

This is just a guess, but it sounds like your son might be acting out from maybe a fear of what might happen to his daddy when he's out of the house.

I think, at some level, even the little ones know more, or sense more, than we think they do. Maybe, without even being able to put words to it, he knows that daddy was away and got hurt....so now, when daddy goes away he gets scared, and that fear comes out in this "bad" or naughty behavior....just to try to vent out emotions, or something.

I'm sure someone else might be able to give you a better, more professional assessment, but that is what comes to my mind. I know that when I have certain fears, my behaviors don't always match my feelings, and I respond with frustration or other "negative" behaviors.

Do you have access to some help through the VA? Maybe a child psychologist or child behaviorist? It might be helpful for your family to hear a professional opinion. Maybe you can help your son cope with his feelings in a more constructive way, and help his fears, if he has them. Also, it sure would make YOUR life easier, and be better for the whole family!

Just an idea, but I would ask around about it, if it were my family.....I'm sure maybe you have a big checklist of ideas going already, I know all the moms here have tons of good ideas!!

He could just not understand why dads not home. Maybe he's worried about it. That would be typical behavior for our youngest son put in that position.

On another note have you heard about love and logic? Check out their website. I found it VERY helpful. I actually ended up buying several cd's.

Good luck

The best advice I can give is the advice my mom always gave and still gives to me. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Consistancy is the key. If they do a certain behavior "this" will be the consequence every single time! As hard as it is and if you have to do it 50 times a day then do it. He will learn and it will get less and less. He will be aware of his behaviors and want to change. When he recognizes his behavior and changes it be sure to praise him for thinking before acting out. So find a "punishment" that works for him something he really really doesn't like and stick with it. I hope this helps.
W.

hi B., my name is D., and i have three boys" a three yrs.old 19months and one month.when dAd HOME THEY LISTEN, BUT WHEN IT JUST ME, MY OLDERS" BOYS THROW TOYS, AT ME AND LOVE TO FIGHT. SO I CAN RELATED.what i have started to try.is some what be like dad, take there toys" away and start getting more invole outside of the home, like go to places" like a ymc where there is other moms" and kids" around there ages.i turn the tv off when its" time to eat, and when thery cry ,i let them cry there self to sleep,and they seem to listen somewhat, because they see a differnet side of mommy,not leting them get there way

B.,
I have read through most of your answers, and I agree with a lot of what has been said.

Positive reinforcement, time one on one (doesn't always have to be a trip out of the home, sometimes they can help you do your chores- you just have to find a fun way to have them help you- competition is great for my 5 yr old), reaffirmation that Daddy loves him and will be coming home.

I think another really important thing is for Daddy to model how he is supposed to act. Have him see how Daddy treats Mommy and that Daddy will not stand for anyone treating Mommy in a mean manner (hitting, or throwing things) and that that extends to the rest of the family. Maybe Daddy can call home during the day "just to talk to him" and see if he is taking care of Mommy. That Mommy is Daddy's special girl and he needs your son to keep an eye on you to make sure nothing happens to you when he is gone.

It is always hard, I know. My hubby has a job that takes him away from home to work and so he is on a 3 week away, 3 week home rotation. I can always tell when he is coming home, because the kids start acting up more. Part of that is that I am getting shorter on the patience that I have to deal with them. So sometimes it is worth it to find someone else to watch them for awhile so I can have time to myself (family, babysitter, or another mother that we trade child care with). You have to remember that you are just as important as they are, and sometimes need to have time to yourself so that you can be a better mother, and have more patience to deal with children. I forget that myself too often!

I know I am just kind of rambling, but hopefully this will help you. Not being there to see, it is always hard to tell all the ins and outs of a situation from just what we can share here, but it's so nice to have suggestions that you can sift through and apply what you will!

Good Luck!
J. in AK

It's time to lower the boom. John Rosemond, a child/family psychologist, recommends making a powerful statement to get his attention, then being consistent. The next time he's violent or out of control, calmly lock him in his room for an hour (we have turned the doorknob around so we can lock it from the outside). Of course make sure there's nothing he can get hurt with in there (blind cord...) That helps relieve the stress for you since he's not in your direct presence screaming any more. If he does it a third time during the day, then he's in there the rest of the day. If you possibly can, it would be good to burn off a lot of that energy (take them all to the park and run their butts off). I highly recommend John Rosemond's book Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. He gives a lot of really good ideas. I got it used off amazon or ebay. He also has a website at www.rosemond.com. Good luck!

I would guess that this is your son's reaction to his Dad leaving him(that's how a 2 year old would see it), And now having to share the attention of one parent, with his sibllings. One thing I've discovered with my own kids is that when they want attention the will go naughty.
Keep up with the discipline, and be consistant.
I put baby gates instead of doors on my kids rooms, and when they were throwing fits, I would tell them I understood how they were feeling but that I didn't enjoy being around them when they behaved that way.So they could go to their room and throw the fit. and then I would shut the gate. With the baby gate I could still check on them and see them but they couldn't come out unitl their fit was done. The fit is to get attention, so remove him from anyones attention. And there will be fewer fits.
Maybe pick one night a week where he gets to do something special with his Dad just one on one. And don't make it contingent on good behavior. It really sounds like it is a response to a chang in his life.

IMHO I think the reason he is so upset is that he is upset that dad is gone! Having dad home for so long and now just to see him once in awhile is really hard on kids... I know I have been a Army wife. My husband was a Ranger so sometimes he would leave for work, and tell us that he would see us for dinner and then come two weeks later he would come home. It's just how it is.
One thing is that time-outs will work if you do it right and stick with it.
Give him "1" and only 1 warning, get down and look him in the face when you do it, and don't yell, just talk.
If he does it again, then place him on a mat, on a chair, some where you want. Tell him why he is going in time out and walk away!
If he gets up, just take him right back over and place him back there and start the time over.
Don't talk to him while doing this just do it

It will be hard, I have 3 boys and at times time outs take up to a hour.. if dad have been home and then gone again is when it takes more time..

Some thing else you can use is a jar with marbles in it, they get so many mables a week, and every time they have to sit in time out, they have to take a marble out... at the end of the week they have to count there marbles...
my kids get little things for how many marbles they have... suger free candy, my older ones a new book, time on the playstation, and TV time on Saturdays for cartoons... if they don't have enough marbles for what they want, you explain that if they hadn't had to time out so much or at all, that they would be able to do what they wanted..

It will get better, just stay with one thing and don't change, that's mom's biggest downfall... (mine too) we don't stick with one thing because at the time we are tired and just want a peaceful house.. but don't give it...

plus when dad is home one weekends have him spend lots of time with the kids, and letting them know that he knowns how hard it is not to see daddy but that he loves them just the same.

best of luck

this is what we have had to do with our son. he does the same thing. when dad is home he is good...but even when he steps out of line and i have to raise my voice he looks to see if dad is coming first before he listens to me. anyways i have gotten an area set up that is just a chair. in a room that has nothing fun or anything that interests him. he sits there until his temper has settled. every time he gets up he hets another mintue in the chair. anyways good luck!! and dont give up he is just lashing out becasue dad went back to work