Son Keeps Wetting Himself on Purpose

Have you tried having him talk to a therapist? Does he give you any reason WHY he has been doing this?

They may be able to really get at what is the root of his problem.......

Professional help for him. Professional help for YOU.

It's pretty irritating when someone tells me how to answer. UGH.

If you haven't already, I strongly urge you to take him to a child psychiatrist. It should be one that will also provide family counseling sessions.

There are a few reasons I'm suggesting this, but I think it's imperative that you get to the bottom of why he's doing this. A psychiatrist can help determine if this is indeed intentional.

I would also suggest taking him to a chiropractor. There really could be a medical issue going on and he's just telling you that it's "on purpose" to avoid embarrassment. Clearly punishing him isn't working.

I would try compassion for a while. See if he's willing to try the older child version of diapers. They make some for children his size that can't toilet properly due to disabilities and other issues. Don't shame him. I can almost guarantee you that this isn't fun for him.

ADDED: Posted this just before you posted the SWH, but left it as is. It sounds like his current psychologist may not be the right one for him. I would be aggressive about getting him some better therapy with someone who can get him to unlock why he does this.

Original:
Please, please re-read Diane B.'s excellent and calm response below. She has it right in every way.

E., sometimes folks post on here in the heat of the moment -- when a child has just gotten on their last nerve and they're angry and upset. I'm going to hope that was your situation when you posted and that you can find a calmer moment to look at the replies and take them seriously and not be defensive and angry at whatever advice you get. If you come into this looking just for people to support your anger at your son, you're going to just be further angered because you're not going to get support for that; can you accept advice that might dare suggest your son is either not really able to control this (despite what he says) or that he is troubled in ways that really require professional help? I hope so.

You seem to take him at his word when he says he is fully able to control this. I would not believe any 12-year-old who wet this frequently, for three years (!), and who claimed it was entirely on purpose. Has it occurred to you and your wife that he might be making that claim to cover up the fact that at least some of the time he cannot actually control it? And that maybe he has an attitude of "I don't care at all, take what you want, I'm still going to pee on myself" is just an act, a show to make you think he's being defiant and cool when he actually is terrified and shamed?

If he absolutely, truly is doing it on purpose -- and you cannot, cannot know that until he has an extensive medical workup, probably by specialists and not just his pediatrician -- then there are huge issues of emotional and mental maturity and defiance that by now require therapy. Please be open to the idea of therapy for him and family counseling, or even therapy, for you and your wife, so you can learn to deal with him and find out why he is doing this.

Begin with a medical workup. If he is doing this on purpose, facing down several doctors might just shake him out of it. If he is not doing it on purpose, you will find that out. Either way he's going to need therapy or counseling because he has lived three years with what is profound shame for a child his age. Please be open to exploring the idea that he is very, very angry about something, and furious at you for some reason. You need to find out the "why," not just continue focusing on the wetting behavior. You are focused on the symptom, not the real problem causing it. Whether that problem is medical, or emotional, or stems from pressures or issues in the larger family -- he cannot continue this way and it's up to you and your wife to help him stop, possibly by changing some things in your family as a whole. But first you have to be willing to let professionals look at him and look at you and your family as well, to get to the CAUSE -- rather than just punishing the end effect. I really hope you can read this and the other advice without just being angry and dismissing everything that isn't what you want to hear.

Wow well since you know all of our answers why bother posting this rude question? I guess you are so smart that you already know that if a child cannot articulate why they are doing something and they are constantly being blamed for it they will in fact say they are doing it on purpose! Just to shut you up!

So why don't you get a professional involved instead of yelling at a bunch of women that their answers will be useless?

Most well-adjusted, happy kids do not wet themselves purposely. Instead, they would be upset, embarrassed or ashamed. Repeat wetting suggests to me that your son is very angry or he is responding to some stress within the family or his life. I couldn't say for sure, as I don't live in your house or know how your family lives.

Okay, just read your SWH... maybe it's time to deal with this more intensely. Does your family doctor have any other suggestions? If you are taking him to a counselor already, maybe there's something more than what she can deduce. I'm not a fan of punishing kids into breaking self-destructive behaviors; he's going to have to want to do it himself. Maybe it's time for something more profound, like medication? I don't know. But a kid who is wetting, who doesn't care about peers, and who would rather wet themselves than use the toilet-- there are deeper issues than what I see in your post.

(and for what it's worth, your first two lines suggest you have a short fuse or are impatient with others. Try to have some understanding for US-- you asked us for perspective and as I said--we don't live in our home or know your family's lifestyle or parenting style. Just my two cents-- and please re-read Diane B's excellent insight into the situation. )

As long as you have told the Psychologist and taken your son to the doctor, not sure what any of us can suggest. They are the professionals.

This sounds like a control issue. Meaning this is something your son can do to get attention from you, your wife, his friends?

I could guess, but I am not a Psychologist. I do not know his history , I do not know your family dynamics, your home situation..

I cannot imagine attending Middle School and peeing on purpose in my pants. My husband still remembers the boy in Boy Scouts, that defecated in his pants at camp.. he was a teen.. They had a terrible name for him.. But my husband said that child "had issues".

I suggest he says he does it on purpose because he's embarrassed. He's saving face because he feels and you've told him he should be able to control it.

If he could control it he wo uldn't be doing it with friends or at school. He is getting teased.

If he is as you think doing this pn purpose he needs to see a counselor. This would be very serious and indicate an emotionl problem.

I urge you to take him to the doctor. Please don't make assumptions. Get medical advice.

If he is just a normal child who has the misfortune of being late to acheive dry nights then no amount of punishment, grounding or spanking (you really spanked a 12 year old?!) will prevent him from wetting himself. I had a late bed wetter in my first born, doctor said "deep sleeper, small baldder" and just like he predicted she eventually grew out of it.

If he is indeed doing this on purpose you need to take him to a child psychiatrist. Wetting himself ON PURPOSE from the age of 9-12 years is not normal behavior in any way and it is cause for concern for his emotional health.

So when you took him to the doctor to be sure nothing physical is going on what did he or she say? You have visited his doctor about this right, or did you just take a little boys word for it? You do have cause to be concerned and it has nothing to do with explaining this to his little brother. It's important that you figure out exactly why this is happening, it could be a sign of physical issues or emotional distress. Children say all kinds of weird things in response to adult over reaction or aggression.

Please stop blaming him even if he SAYS he's doing it on purpose it's a huge sign that something is really wrong.

I would keep having him clean it up, and do his laundry and change his bedding immediately after he does it. BEFORE he is allowed to do anything else. Just be matter of fact about it, because I'm thinking you are kind of rewarding him with negative attention. It seems he is intentionally trying to shock you and annoy you by stating he is doing it on purpose. Maybe you should just stop talking about the issue, stop giving it any attention at all. Because although it is gross, and not normal, he isn't in any real danger of getting hurt by it.

But find a good therapist, a new one if necessary, to try to get to the bottom of it. AND I wouldn't rule out a physical issue. He could be lying to you about doing it on purpose because he is embarrassed or ashamed (or in denial) to admit he has a real problem.

Could he be saying he is doing it on purpose even though he isn't...and it is just embarrassing for a 12 year old to admit he can't control it?

I would schedule an appointment with his doctor and/or a urologist. Just to rule out any medical issue.

My son was having #2 accidents, and it was due to constipation and not laziness.

Take him to a pediatric urologist. Leave him alone with the doctor so he can say anything and everything he needs to.

First of all, STOP PUNISHING him for doing it. Also, stop giving him attention for it. If he does it because "he feels like it," then you are not going to be able to stop him. He's cleaning it up, so it's his business.

THEN, START giving him lots of positive attention for other things. Stop ALL the punitive stuff, and start taking him out to play golf, throw a ball, see a movie, whatever a dad and son would find fun together.

DAD, do you give you son ATTENTION and have FUN with him?? Now's the time to start. Boys need a dad's positive interaction.

And stop giving the wetting any attention.

My oldest had the same problem, only he never said he was doing it on purpose. Some children take longer at gaining control than others. Ours had it down by age 13. Put rubber sheets on his bed to protect the mattress. Make him responsible for cleaning up and doing his own laundry, which sounds like he does already. Never, and I mean NEVER punish a child for this. It only makes it worse. We found that remaining "matter of fact" about it and not giving our son undo attention was the best way to handle and was recommended by our family doctor and psychologist. You say your son is in counseling, however not all psychologists work well with all patients. It might be time to find someone else who really can make a break through with your son.

Whaaaaat?? I can't even imagine why-what his "payoff" would be ie. attention? Does he have sensory issues-now and/or in the past? Good luck. I would highly suggest a counselor as well. Meanwhile, every time he wets, he could be hand scrubbing his urine soaked clothes and cleaning every bit if the area up. Maybe no new clothes until he stops peeing his old ones. I hope it doesn't leak into his shoes, gross!!!

Has this child been to a urologist?
Sounds like a medical problem to me.

Two thoughts --he does have an undiagnosed medical issue and he is making up a story about doing it on purpose because he can't control it and is afraid to visit the doctor about his "private parts". Is he trying to cover up masterbastion in his bed? Second thought--does he do this just in his own bed or do he wet on other parts of your home? If it is just in his bed, maybe he has some anger issues with himself and that is how he resolves it. I think I would try a different counselor.

I am not a doctor but this sounds like something psycholgical is going on. He gets attention etc. by the behavior but is also crying out for something. Punishing him etc. are not working and by gosh embarrassing him is not the thing to do, (will later lead to bullying etc. ) and change his whole life and personality. He needs to talk to someone and not blaming you all but try a more positive approach. The spanking, taking things away etc. is not helping. This is very serious pschologically. Hope you all get some help.

Could this be some form of Tourette's Syndrome? It my be that he has no control over the impulse which is why he says it's on purpose.

I agree that it does sound like a medical issue, whether physical or mental. I also agree that his seeming don't care attitude could be a cover-up for "I don't know why this is happening."

I know there's a stigma attached to psychologists and psychiatrists, but try not let that be a barrier to getting your son the help he may need. Pediatric urologist is also a great suggestion. And I agree that all doctors at this age should be same gender! As professional as doctors are, I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable sending my daughter for her yearly checkup with a male doctor. And I'm nowhere NEAR being a prude or gender-bias. It has to do with HER comfort, and I well remember the feelings of embarrassment of seeing a male OB.

If your son is telling you he is doing this intentionally, it is time to get him some mental help. This just isn't normal and something is seriously wrong.

This sounds like a child crying out for help and/or control. A trained professional could get to the bottom of the why.

I know you say he has no physical medical problems but I really hope you have had him medically cleared for "no" problems. If it isn't physical then it is psychological. When I was 12 I wet the bed and had urinary problems but that was because I was being molested.

Please be the adult and get him the help he needs not the shaming. What ever is wrong will him is already impacting your 5 year old. I know it's frustrating but you have to be strong and dig to the bottom of this mystery.

Perhaps your therapist can request to have a discussion with the experts at UCSF or Mayo Clinic for some ideas (for physical problems that are complicated I know doctors can collaborate - why not psyche issues?) Or perhaps a consult with a psychiatrist as well could help? A middle schooler that doesn't care about what others think of him or about being teased sounds like a red flag for some kind of emotional problem. Has he seen a urologist to be sure there isn't a physical/medical issue? Assuming there isn't, I would simply put him back in diapers (and take away his underwear) until he either decides to use the bathroom or until the real reason he does this is figured out and dealt with. Be very simple and matter of fact about it - tell him it's the only sensible thing to do until this problem resolves itself. No other punishments for it. They do make pull up type stuff for his age. My nephew is 14 and still has a bed wetting problem at night (not on purpose) and he wears a pull up every night. Even it it doesn't help, at least there would be less laundry to do! You have a very unique, difficult problem - keep looking for answers and solutions. Good luck to you.

Make him wear Goodnights (big kid diapers) all day. If he's really doing it on purpose as you say, he'll stop when he's not getting anything wet.