Son Is to Agreesive to Other Children

I think you need to show him who's boss. He is effectively using YOUR power as the person running the daycare to bully the other children (not that you approve). I'm especially concerned about a 3 year old getting "in the face" of other toddlers and pushing them around. Time-outs are obviously too soft. I recommend that if he takes toys away from another kid, YOU take them ALL away from him, and put him in time-out until another child is ready to give him one. He will learn kindness and sharing, as well as justice. And it will turn the tables on him, which I think he needs. He may also need to be spanked by you after school. You have to be strong, he cannot prevail in being the toughest person in the room - You are the adult and you are the teacher.

It is "his" home... he sees the other children as invading his space. 3 years is a whole other developmental phase.
He can't always be expected to "share" everything... nor will a 3 year old have COMPLETE control over their feelings, nor the coping skills for it, nor the ability to "know" what feelings he has or why.

I babysat too... and had kids in my home. My daughter, with this one child, had a hard time. ANd my daughter generally does not have a problem with other kids. The other child was REAL controlling and bossy. I eventually had to not babysit that child. It was a personality conflict. I also DID NOT make my girl "have to" share everything, and certain rooms were ONLY for her... where she could go to do what SHE wanted, alone or otherwise.

Its not so much a "fault" of your son... he is behaving developmentally for what he is "capable" of doing. Many times, when a child is expected to "be" something that is not what they "can" do yet or understand... they will act out. Frustrations. The emotional maturity... is still emerging.
He does not feel understood nor validated for what he is going through nor his feelings.
LET him have things and places in the home that is JUST HIS... and that he does not have to share. If there are times he does NOT want to socialize, so be it. If he NEEDS his own space and his own time alone... let him. Because once he starts acting out... this means he is PAST his threshold for tolerating it.

Tell him you understand... he needs to hear that and know it. LET HIM have his own "boundaries" about his comfort level.

And, he could also be just over-stimulated with all the other kids around, and over-tired. ALLOW him to have a breather sometimes. It is "his" home too.

Even adults, get "tired" of being social too sometimes... and just need to have time alone. At their own pace and NEED to re-coup and have respite.

All the best,
Susan

He is now realizing he does not like sharing you with the other kids. He wants attention and boy you are giving it to him.

You need to make the other children safe. Teach your son to put himself in time out when he knows he is becoming frustrated or angry. Watch for the signs that he is about to loose his temper and give him the words. "You look frustrated because you want to play with that toy". " Sharing the toy is fun". Or set a time," you can play with the toy after the other child plays with it for 2 minutes." Compliment him when he is playing well with others.

Teach the other children to tell your son,"that is not nice". "We do not hit, we do not push", also teach all of the children to say please and thank you for every transaction between each other.

When you do not have the children in your home, make sure you give your son hugs and praise. Tell him you will always love him, but it disappoints you when he hurts other people. Tell him you know that he knows how to be nice, but your feelings hurt when he hurts others. He is going through a very normal time with his feelings, but it means he and the other children need you to set the boundaries.

I am sending you strength.

I’ve never been in this situation because there is a big age gap with my kids BUT your situation sounds similar to a lot of parents I know who have an older child with younger siblings. They get to an age about 3 when they start to get possessive and don’t want to share with their younger brother or sister. Your son has been sharing his toys and home with other kids since day 1 so maybe he’s tired of sharing?? =-)

Now, just because you run a daycare doesn’t mean he can’t have his toys that are NOT for sharing. Maybe if he felt that he had some control, he would be more apt to sharing some toys and wouldn’t spend the day frustrated.

You can ask him “o.k. tell me which toys you don’t want to share and pick out which ones you are o.k. with sharing”. Just a thought. Plus your son is old enough that he can “help” you in taking care of the younger kids. Maybe you can give him a “job” of being your little helper with the younger kids. Best of luck to you!

Hi L.,
I'm glad to see you are taking this behavior seriously; but please don't take it like a failure: he *knows* he's not being nice, because he waits for you to leave the room (LOL). I think you have a great start with time-outs, you just haven't taken it to the next level when he did.

As a 3-year old, he's going to test the limits, and he found your's. You did the right thing: time out. Well, he decided he can take time-outs, because he gets to go right back in and start torturing the other kids. Time to bump your punishment to meet his challenge: for example, he's mean to another child: time-out *and* isolation from the group for the rest of the day: first time, no second chances. (or something like that)

This will let him know you are *serious* (which I know you are), and the other children will also see you are in charge, not your (typical ) 3 year old {{smile}}.

Good luck!
t

Are you noticing any other issues in addition to the aggression, such as lack of focus or hyperactivity? If so, you may be dealing with early signs of ADHD. Our son was kicked out of preschool at age three due largely to aggressive behavior. We tried it all to correct the aggression but it persisted. I felt like a failure, too. We finally talked to his pediatrician and got the ball rolling with Kaiser. At almost seven now, we know he has ADHD. Just something to consider if he's not responding to the corrective action that typically works with other kids. It may be out of his control.

Consistancy is the key, seriously the best book I read is called 123 Magic. You can use the techniques right away and it has definatley improved my girls behavior. I have one in the terrible 3's stage and it is just a learning expierence. So be paitaint and your doing a good job but you will love the book and read it with your husband as well. Hope it works.

I think he probably wants more attention from you. I agree with the others who suggested to have some toys that are just his, not for sharing, and to make special time for just the two of you. I can see myself also yelling and being unhappy in your situation, but the best moms and caregivers I know always stay calm even when the kid's behavior is really bad. You can stay calm when you say no and put him in time out. Then, be super positive with him when he's doing nice things. Try to "catch" him sharing, being nice, etc and tell him how wonderful that is and how proud you are. Good luck!!