Son Is Jealous and Is Feeling Bad About My Daughter's Successes

I grew up with 3 sisters, and we're all completely different people. My mother was (and still is) excellent at making sure we all understood who we were, and helped us define ourselves. The best advice I can give you is to acknowledge that yes, your daughter is better academically than your son. But there are many things that your son is better at than your daughter. The measure of success is never just one component. To deny that your children are different with different talents is a disservice to both of them. So reassure him that his time to shine will come. Right now, as kids, academics is a major part of their life. But they're going to grow up & have different lives with different goals. Sure, you want him to get good grades for a good shot at a good college, but trust me, a degree from a good school is certainly not a measure of success. It's a measure of how well you can study. If he doesn't already have a hobby that he loves, help him find something to throw his energies into.

Don't deny your daughter's accomplishments, and don't try to pump your son up by telling him he's just as smart. Just let them be different people & help them explore their feelings about that. Good luck!

I went throught this growing up. My brothers were good/great at what they did. I was always good, but never got the recognition. No matter what awards, or positions, or even scholarships I received.
Talk to him and let him know that you are proud of him. Encourage him to join things that he is interested in. Although, don't push him. Let him take the step.
And try not miss out on any event he has, It is devastating if you do.

A.,

I think the way your son is feeling is completely normal and to be expected probably. What are his strengths? - focus on those and try to get him to see those talents too. We are all different people with different gifts and abilities. Is he planning to attend college? Is he following his passion?

Quick story: My Father (Lanny Bassham) was told through out his childhood that he was a loser - he was the last person picked on any team in school sports. He wanted despretly to go to the Olympics but had no physical talent at all. He was actually told by other kids that he had no chance of ever completing his dream of attending the Olympics unless it was as a spectator. He believed them until his Father pointed out - "Son, you just haven't found what you are good at yet". All he really needed was a vehile to take him to his goal. He start shooting rifles in Junior High and High School because it was an Olympic sport and he was at least average at it from the start. This became a vehicle for his goal. After much struggle and challenge he DID compete in the Olympics and did win a Gold Medal. He even dominated his sport for over 6 years taking no less than 3rd in any competition. The kid who couldn't make the team and had a very low self image became an Olympic Champion. For the past 30 years he has been teaching his Mental Management System he created to athletes, business professionals & stage performers and is very successful. www.mentalmanagement.com is the website for more info.

We all have hidden gifts and talents. What works for one will not work for another - maybe your son just hasn't found what he's great at yet. One thing we teach at Mental Management is that our Self Image does not realize that other people exist in this world. According to your self image you are the only person who matters and the only person who exists. Therefore if give praise to others for success, internally we are praising ourselves and vise versa - if we cut others down we are actually cutting ourselves down. If he can learn to praise his sister and be excited for her success his attitude about himself will change as well. It might be good for him to do some self reflection on what he would like to accomplish in life and set some goals.

My Dad could have decided that because others are good at sports and much more talented that he was never going to see an Olympic competition from the inside. That would have been traggic - he would have never won his medal and more importantly he would have never created Mental Management which is helping thousands of competitors reach their goals today.

Just thought I would send you over that story feel free to share it with him if you think it will help. Email me if you have any questions or want to know more. ____@____.com

Have a great day

H.

This is such a touchy thing for anyone parent, teacher, kid. In my opinion (so take it with a grain of salt), everytime your son says something negative about himself, you can reassure him by saying "I don't know who told you that, but it's not true." Then go on to tell him how good he is in whatever area he is successful at. One thing you and he need to know is that everyone is different and excels in different things. His sister may be more successful when it comes to testing or book-type information, but maybe your son is more on the creative side and is a great artist. Find his interests and help him develop them more. Whatever you do, don't compare them which I'm sure you already know. He may work hard for a B or even C in a class where your daughter breezes by and gets an A easy. He still needs to be praised for pulling a grade up or working hard to keep it where it is. Look up information about Einstein. He wasn't successful in school, but that didn't make him dumb. Everybody is different. Give him a chance to tell you what all he's interested in and maybe even what he's thought of doing in the future. See what you can do to help him work with that. Maybe even look through college catalogs and see what he'll need to take. This is only my opinion, but I sure hope it helps a little and gives you some ideas.

Whenever either of my kids goes through something tough for them, I try to remember something in my childhood that was the same, or similar, to remember the feelings I had and what might have been helpful, or what I wanted to hear/feel at the time.
Reading your post, I thought back to being in high school; my brother was an incredible student and received many honors. I was a good student, but not as honored for my academic abilities. Sometimes, during a ceremony for him, I'd feel that touch of jealousy -- but mostly, I felt like others would wonder why my brother was so great in academics and I was just good.
I was able to work through it because while my brother was solely immersed in studies, I was very active in all areas of school -- I was president of SADD for 3 years, a cheerleader, in band, drama, student council,etc. etc. In other words, I excelled in other areas that just weren't showered with accolades.
So, in remembering this, I'd say first: acknowledge your son's feelings. Whether they are in your reality or not, they are true for him in that moment, and deserve to be honored as his reality. Be careful, too, not to 'assume' that you know what he's feeling; let his expressions guide your acceptance. For example, when he says, I'm stupid, you can say something like, You know, it seems like you're feeling like you're stupid because of this honor your sister's received. I understand how you feel. Then, as the other poster said, tell him that sometimes, even when we're happy for someone, we can feel other things for ourselves -- that we're not as good, maybe. Then, when he seems receptive, talk with him about what his strengths are; some kids' just don't excel in places that academics honor. Is he creative? A good athlete? A leader? Compassionate? Kind? Assertive? Make a list of things he does excel in...and remind him of it.
Then I think you just have to make sure you're open and accepting of him and his feelings, and help him work through them.
Also, be sure that your own actions and behaviors don't contribute to his thoughts and feelings. Be sure that if something that is important to him (but maybe not as WOW for you as being accepted into the Academy) comes up, make sure your actions reflect that you appreciate how important it is for him.
Hope this helps, and good luck.

Hmmm...I have so much to say about this, and I don't know if any of it will be useful to you (I know he's at a tough age, anyway!) I think he'd probably find it patronizing if you deny what he says too much, but hurtful if you don't deny it!
Probably, the best thing to do is to acknowledge how he feels by saying something like, "Hey--I understand how you're feeling right now. I'm sure you're happy for your sister, but sometimes it is hard to watch others around you succeed when you feel sort of stuck." I think many of us feel this way sometimes. That's why we, as adults, are careful to not gush about our happy marriages to friends who are single and looking or go on and on about our pregnancy to people who are having difficulty conceiving. There's nothing wrong with feeling a little left behind when others are succeeding. Let him know that.
But then let him know that 1. People who struggle gain strenghth that they would never have if things came easily to them. 2. He is not stupid. 3. A strong character is just as likely to get him far as good grades. 4. Success is not getting good grades, but having the integrity to try your hardest.
He's old enough that you can talk to him about these things as you would an adult. He'll know you respect him and that you're not talking down to him or treating him like a young child. As someone who's worked with teenagers (many of whom think they're stupid!) I know that he'll appreciate that approach and feel empowered by it.
Good luck & God bless!
By the way--I'm interested in your daughter's babysitting--where do you all live?

I agree with Shirley's statement. I am 44 years old now and I am constantly looking for ways to receive praise and recognition. My counselor says it's because I didn't receive an equal amount of praise when I was younger, as my siblings did. My older sister and brother were both honor roll students and I just graduated by the skin of my teeth. I do remember my stepfather always bragging to other people about my sister when she was in sales for the family company and my mother was always bragging to others about my brother who was an artist. I never heard either of them brag to anyone about me. My mother paid for my brother's art classes but I had to pay for my own acting classes. I used to work as an extra on the set of "Dallas" back in the 80's. Once, I was able to get my mom and stepsister on the set to be "extras" for the Oil Barron's Ball. Everyone in the family was bragging about them being in "Dallas". I never heard anyone say anything like that about me and I'm the one who was working so hard as a struggling actor.

I have heard time and time again from marriage counselors that we should brag about or praise our spouse to others in front of them. I've also heard from childhood counselors that we should brag about our kids in the same way.

So, all this to say, find something that he does excel at and praise him for it. Then, when you have an opportunity to brag about him to others while he can overhear you...that's even BETTER!

Good Luck.