Sometimes I Guess You Can't Help

Read: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

The idea that you have the magical ability to help people out of their own dependency, when no one else has been able to do so, including themselves, is a thinking trap. Don't go there.

For the past several years, I've co-moderated a forum where we help people budget, get out (and stay out) of debt, improve their long term financial health and in doing so, enhance the quality of their lives.

It is very common for people who have been feeling deprived to come into money and make really poor spending decisions. There are all kinds of ways that they can justify it to themselves. It's a psychological thing.

It is particularly prevalent in people who typically have to make their financial choices daily, choosing which bill to pay, gas vs groceries, etc. They see money and use it for today, instead of for the long-term, because they just don't have that kind of forethought established in their minds. It's like, "I have money. I need to buy this iPhone now because tomorrow I won't have money." Logical? no. Typical, yes.

Understanding it makes it no less frustrating. Nor does it mean you should continue to financially help people that are stuck in this rut.

As Dave Ramsey would say, You can't fix people's money problems with money.
As I would say, You can't have common sense FOR somebody.

In 52 yrs, I have seen this all the time. You feel taken. It's ok to feel taken.
In fact, it's a big part of learning where you end, and they begin. Boundaries. Next time, and there will be a next for them, say, I am so sorry you are having a tough time right now. Hope you get another boat load of money, and then walk away and find someone with real problems, not of their own making.

Try this:

Why do you feel that she owes you a complete audit of her finances?
Why do you feel that her choices are worse than yours?
How would you feel if someone demanded an accounting of your spending?
(I realize you're not actually demanding her to account for her spending, but you're feeling like it. Because their choices aren't "good enough", so you never want to ... Etc., so forth)
_________________

Unless you live in a box, eating Ramen 1x per week... Then you make choices with your money. How much to spend on everything from housing/ clothing/ food/ entertainment/ etc.

I've never paid more than $25 for any iPhone, and most are free.
I don't owe that information to anyone.
I've never paid less than $100 for jeans, and I don't owe that info to anyone, either.

But if you saw me, in my torn up jeans, and shiny new phone... What would YOU see? Probably the inverse. And you'd be off by about $400.

Or how about this:
Save $1 on getting cheap toilet paper
Spend $80 on 4 yeast infection treatments.
Not great savings there.

Or another:
Your favorite cleanser would land my son in the hospital.
Save $5, spend $10,000.

We are all experts in our OWN lives.
We choose to save in different ways
We choose to spend in different ways.
And those differences are OKAY.

You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.

Unless you loaned them money for a specific purpose and they aren't paying you back or used it as it was intended? There is NOT anything you can do to help them.

They will not learn from their mistakes...isn't it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?

Back away...resign yourself to knowing that you cannot change me. If it bothers you so - you need to back away.

Don't feel badly for never wanting to help them again. Unless you're loaded, you shouldn't! I can sympathize bc my best friend from growing up just can not manage money. They get along but I know have a ton of debt, they live paycheck to paycheck and then spend on things that are just not necessary. Drives me crazy and I have said things given we're such old, good friends but she is who she is. I'm very tempted to help too but I know she'll just blow the money on something unnecessary which will get me mad and hurt our friendship so I just listen and give encouragement to not spend on stupid stuff but end of the day figure it's her life. It's very frustrating and I think 1/2 of America is like this and I'll just use the word - stupid. It's all stupid and I feel like people who have saved are going to be stuck supporting these people in retirement via more taxes. But only so much we can do. Do not give them any more money though!! And they're so extreme not sure I could even be friends with them. My friend doesn't have me buy necessities for her and actually gives me little gifts which drives me crazy bc I want her to save her money! So she's not looking for a handout like these people were. I remember the soap posting. I'd stay away from them. They sound worse and worse.

Seriously?? I wouldn't be giving them anymore handouts anytime soon. We make a nice 6 digit salary and I don't even have an iPhone 5.

I think you know in your heart that these people are taking advantage of you.

You are a partner in the "enabling" dance.

I would stop helping, for my own sake as well as theirs. This is taking up way too much space in your head.

JMO.

If they were out buying iphones, new cars, large screen tv's and such. I would be asking the WHY? question.

However a phone? No, in almost every case out there the phones are free with cell service, and I happen to find cell service a need for adults in many cases. If you can go big, why not?

Too bad about those people.

I hope this experience doesn't prevent you from helping others in the future, though. I mean, these specific people certainly don't deserve more handouts, but I hope they didn't deprive you of your kindness and generosity going forward. That would be the biggest loss of all.

I too urge you to read up on co-dependency. Sounds like you're too involved in what they need or do not need. You're debating with yourself over what brand of cleaner she should use in your past post. Now you're upset over their choices in using their money.

I suggest that you get your own sense of self-worth by taking care of other people. Learn how to focus on yourself and your choices. Only give to people when you're able to do so without strings attached. It sounds like you're upset because you gave to them and now you expect them to manage money better. Why would they buy an Iphone when they needed your help?

I suggest you consider this situation and your feelings as a wake up call telling you that the way you're thinking and helping people is not beneficial to you.

We are on SSDI and often can't make ends meet. We don't have internet service that is not free and when I'm out in the car with the kids and storms come in I wanted to be able to go online and look at the weather.

That's pretty much all I use the internet for. I do google stuff every now and then but I don't get on my phone and go nuts.

So I don't need an expensive phone that does a lot. We went to U S Cellular around Christmas a year ago. They were having a sale on their phones and we were able to buy 2 Samsung Mesmerize Phones for $100. Total. Then we got a rebate for $99.

So everyone went off on us for blowing money on stupid cell phones and refused to help us when we asked for some help a few weeks later.

I had to actually sit down with a friend and show her the receipt. I showed her the refund and how we had bought 2 super expensive, $600+ each, cell phones for $1. She stopped berating me.

So unless you've seen their receipt and they paid full price for them you might be surprised and they might have bought them for a lot less. Let's hope so anyway....

Did they give you details of how they came to have the phone? If they gave you any detail at all, it might not even be accurate. I got the iPhone 4 as a free upgrade. I don't mind sharing that, but I don't walk around with a sign advertising it. It was my introduction to Apple, and I wasn't looking for it, but it certainly has made some things easier. My husband just got the 5--after the big craze passed over--because work support requires him to have it, and he is being reimbursed for having to pick up that cost. There was no out-of-pocket cost to us because of the type of account that we have. Without every single piece of that in place, we would not have these phones. Maybe they don't want to tell you the specifics because they don't want to share with you that they got a special deal. Or maybe you are looking at this so closely because of what your financial condition is. You just never know exactly what is going on in people's financial lives, even when it looks like you do.

Don't base what you do on what you think that others do. Give a gift that you want them to have, and then let it go. If you want to share a soap recipe with a friend because you think that it might help or that she might enjoy it, make a gift of it, and then release it. If they have all the money in the world and you have an idea for something that you'd like to do for them, do you withhold your gift-giving because they can afford to make the purchase on their own? That's not what gifting is. It has less to do with need and more to do with just sharing from your heart.

Also, please keep this in mind: She didn't ask for your help. You saw whatever it is that you saw and assumed some stuff and then made an offer to help out, to buy something that she was doing without for a period. She accepted your offer and told you what she wanted. You looked down your nose at it because she had the nerve to request this big-ticket item that you found to be unnecessary. Well, that is what SHE uses and what SHE wanted. You did ask. If I had trouble buying groceries and you brought me some bologna, I would not accept it. I would appreciate your thought and effort...but I don't eat bologna. You'd probably walk away in a huff. The only thing I see wrong with this is your assessment of their situation, your assumption that they wanted/needed your assistance, your judgment of how they handle their business. It's obvious that you've been judging their situation for some time and pounced on this opportunity to show them that your way is better than theirs, and now you're disappointed that you weren't able to convert them. Are you jealous, or do you just have a need to be helpful? Either one is fine, but you have to know yourself and understand your own motives. This situation has NOTHING to do with how they live their life and EVERYTHING to do with how you're living yours. Maybe you do have a bit of a codependent streak.

You don't have to help them again. They have to help themselves. If they ask, you can say you aren't in a position to help. If you feel emotionally entangled with these people, check out the book Codependent No More. It may help you

Just because they have a fancy latest edition phone does not mean they paid for it themselves. Our cell phone provider had a promotion going one weekend only. We got ours with a full rebate so we got them for free. I am pretty sure lots of companies are doing this at one time or another. Give them the benefit of the doubt on this one.

My parents are like this....
They are filing bankrupt for the second time in 15 years. My mom always want to blame it on everyone but themselves. Both times they did go through periods of loss of income, but during these times they did not stop eating out constantly, buying new furnitures, computer, season tickets for sporting events, brand new phones for my brothers, small road trips, new cars etc etc
You can't reason with people like this. They just don't get it, or care to. My husband and I went through job layoff for 6 months. During that time we did not spend any money that wasnt neccessary. We budgeted groceries, did nothing extra and we survived. We were very fortunate he got rehired and then promoted. But bottom line if we can't reasonably afford something we don't.
People should not be asking for assistance in one breath then buying crazy luxuries the next. Its frusturating but you can't change people and their stupid habits!

Can't fix stupid. :)

But now you know what your answer will be the **next** time they ask for a loan. They did pay you back, right?

Ugh. Lol I remember reading your last post and not being able to decide if I would be upset about the soap thing or not.

This would upset me though because I would never, ever do something like that and it's hard to understand. I know you didn't ask to be repaid, but if it happened to me, that's what I would be doing with the money. Not buying an iPhone.

I think they are being selfish and stupid with their money. But as you said, you can't really tell them what to do. Perhaps just venting will help, understand that you shouldn't feel badly for how you feel, and then move on.

You cannot fix money problems with money not earned. Sorry that you feel this way. But I do understand why you do. They will be in the mess when this money is gone.

Its not your problem to worry about. Let them deal with their own decisions and choices.

you are a nice person but i couldn't be freinds wih them any more, that would be too much for me.

If it makes you feel better you arent alone in being shocked by their behavior.

Are you jealous? What possible difference does it make to you? Or did your charity have secret strings attached ... that they must behave in a way you find acceptable?

Aparently I grew up in a town that was open for topics and MOST of my close friends dont mind my questions and coming to understand there views. I posted a hot topic question yesterday here and on fb and did not loose one single friend...they get me. That being said I would totally suggest some dave ramesey. They were open enough to disscus there good turn around I use that as a half open door to discussion.

My FIL recently came into a large sum of money after a LIFETIME of struggeling making ends meet diving into debt 40,000 plus several times. Once the "free" money started rolling in monthly the first thing he did was go to a CPA who guided him and helped him decide exactly what he should do with the money and became aware that it might not last 20 yrs like stated but could be 6 months 10 yrs no one truly knows. What did he do...went right out and did the opposite of what the CPA and he discussed. you just can fix that flaw for them. Even with the proper knowledge its hard HARD for some folks to get a grip on there weaknesses.

BTW I have an issue with weight I lost 80 lbs kept it off for a couple years got pregnant gained about 40 lbs then lost 20 and got pregnant again gained 40 with that one (i felt i had to follow the obgyn diet not the one formed for my crazy body) lost a little then broke my leg. I have to go to a doctor and get help to get me jumpstarted again. Everyone struggels with something . Its not that I dont have the knowhow...its I dont have the extra money for the specialty diet doctor. (trust me, claories diet exercise arent enough...i have a knocked off thyroid and insulin resistance) Some easy fixes wont work for others. Let them be forgive them. But dont hesitate to tell them its not healthy for them.

I have known many people whom IF they don't change their thinking about money and finances, no matter how much money to get, they will eventually be in debt again ... therefore, they are flush with money now, but will be broke again.. and NO there is nothing you can do or should say..

Their behavior is irresponsible and it doesn't sound like it's going to change anytime soon...However, you may feel resentful in part because at one time, you enabled them and now that eats at you.. (as well it should) I am sure when you helped them, it wasn't the first time was it ? the red flags were all there but instead of listening to your gut feeling, you helped out.. why that is all fine and good to help.. there is a fine line between helping and enabling... and in some cases, helping means to BACK away....

you sound a lot like me. I have helped many a family members and friends whom at the time it seemed like the right thing to do, but once they got money, they never once attempted to pay me back... I had a lot of resentment towards these people and slowly began to work on my co-dependency issues... I might suggest you look into this and see if perhaps you might be a co-dependent.. from one to possibly another.. the signs are all there :):)

I am not saying you are bad ... but I think the best way to not get into this predicament again isn't to change their behavior (that is up to them) but rather change yours... then the problem resolves itself..

My best to you

Forget it and just be happy that you are financially stable and savvy.

Let's hope you don't have to help them again, but who knows. If you do, be happy to help if it makes you feel good. Don't help if it doesn't.

Nope, it is a reasonable feeling.

It is kind of like helping your kids out, at some point the only way they learn is to cut them off. That is not a mean response, it is a loving response.

The issue is that people do not have thier priorities strait. My MIL is like this.. she actually borrows money from my husband and I. If we go there for dinner, we have to bring our portion (not just the stuff for my little guy, since he is gluten free, food for all of us). But, she has the 40+ inch flat screen TV on her wall, but you blow on her windows they will fall out (no joke, I keep the kids away from a window bieng above them for saftey). She has filed bankruptancy, But wants to take my kids for professional pictures ( I told her my husband and I will not pay for them, but she was more than welcome to). She has no concept of prioroities.

1. Housing- warm shelter over head
2. Food- to sustain life.
3. Clothing
4. transportation

She has Cable and higspeed internet. But can not afford food? Lets get this strait..

You can not fix stupid. I have been married for 6 years.

All I can say is this.. Do not provide money to her anymore. If they are hurting provide food. If they need clothes, get them clothes. That will be the best way to help them. Handing somone cash, does them no good. Either they need to be backed into a wall or they will never learn.

You can also get them the Dave Ramsey set or Suzie orman that might give them the tools to make better choices with thier money.

Is there a reason she might need an iPhone? I was fine without having a smart phone until my husband and I started a side business, and now I must have it in order to stay in contact with my tenants (who prefer to email or text, as do I in order to have a paper trail), to be able to look at properties when out and about, etc. Up until last summer I never thought I would use an iPhone, and couldn't justify the expense.

You never know what activities people might have going on that could make something that seems like a luxury item to most actually become a necessity.

Some people just can not manage money and just really, really love STUFF. They have to have all the latest and greatest, clearly at any cost. It's a status symbol - maybe the feel like if they have this prize phone to be waived around then people won't suspect they are in financial ruin, because there is a lot of shame tied to that stigma.

I would just smile, say "that phone is awesome!" (because that is what they are looking for), be happy you only helped them with occasional groceries and no more (i.e. large sums of monetary "loans") and be happy, and grateful that you are not in their position. Take piece of mind that you are financially responsible, and that is much, much better than the iPhone. Understand that you can not change them.

My sister is somewhat like this - her husband reels her in to some extent, but they both have to have the toys. She just returned back to work after having her baby and is heart broken, but I don't worry about them. If they can afford all this stuff, then they are doing fine. Don't worry about your friend anymore. Clearly, they are all set, and going to great, expensive lengths to demonstrate this to you with their new status symbol, and you can rest in piece that you won't have to ever help them again, and promise yourself you will not.

That's all you can do.

What Patricia G said. People are going to do what they're going to do. Now you know for next time-- other than that, not much you can do.

Realizing their downfall with managing money is your first step in letting go of your feelings. Acknowledge their stupidity and decide whether you would be willing to ever help bail them out again. Sounds like they like living beyond their means and expect handouts to help them do it. Personally I wouldn't keep enabling them. Good luck!

Phones often come cheaply (or free) with upgrades. Are you sure your friends paid a boatload of money for this phone? Several carriers were offering the iPhone as a free upgrade last month, and even though ours wasn't, they are now offering it at such a significant discount that my husband is considering upgrading my phone as well as his, even though we had only budgeted to upgrade his.

If they truly paid $600 for a new iPhone 5...well, then I think your feelings are completely natural. Although it is extremely common for those who have been having financial trouble to splurge when they come into money, I think it is completely acceptable to tell them, should they come to you again, that you aren't in any position to help them (no other explanation necessary).

As I understand it, you helped your friend by buying her some special soap.
It's not as though you made a couple of house payments for them or anything.

I think you're feeling frustrated, which is understandable, but I don't think you should necessarily be sorry that you helped her in a time of need.

I have a friend who is always crying and upset about money problems. I know she gets burnt out because she and her husband both have full-time jobs and they never seem to get anywhere. Her parents have had to bail them out several times, she's had to get advances on her paychecks.
BUT, she pays a ton of money for her 3 kids to be in gymnastics. She typically spends $80 on her daughter's leotards. She's 6! And, she outgrows them in just a few months. The younger daughter is two years younger and really tiny, but eventually she will grow into them.
I almost dropped dead the day she told me she bought a horse. I said, "You bought a WHAT???? Do you have any idea how expensive they are to keep up?"
So, of course, she needed tack. The horse came with a saddle, but it was too small for her. She was riding with a friend and the horse threw her so her friend jumped from her own horse to grab the reins so V's horse couldn't bolt. The horse head-butted her and split her head open and knocked her out. Ambulance trip and hospital stay. Another incident....the horse threw her off and she missed work for a couple weeks because her back and hip were messed up. Then, the horse got something wrong with it and she had all kinds of vet bills and ultimately had to pay to have the horse put down.

All of this imposed on herself knowin full well she didn't have the money.
I never said "I told you so" because she knows I already tried to tell her.
No point rubbing salt in the wound.
It was a bad decision.

I think sometimes people who've struggled get a little money and they think,
"I DESERVE this"......whether it's a horse or an iPhone5, whatever.
We all want things.
Wanting something and NEEDING it are not the same.

That's a concept that's difficult for some people to understand.

I wouldn't let this eat you up. You obviously cannot change how they manage things so let the worrying about it go. If they get in trouble again and she asks you for help, all you have to do is say NO. Don't let that eat you up either.

When my friend bought that horse, if I had my way, she'd have been sent to the looney bin until she could get her head on straight before it even happened because I knew it wouldn't end well.
But, she is an adult, I'm not responsible for her decisions or actions.
I didn't lose any sleep over it either.

Sometimes, you just have to stand back and let things happen as they will.

Just my opinion.

Please do not feel that you are "terrible" to feel the way you do.
The fact is, if you continue to help them financially in the future, you will be "enabling" them, which is of no help to them at all. So, it was nice of you to assist them in the beginning, but now you have learned that the best help you can offer is to not enable them further.
If you wish to remain friends with her, then my suggestion would be to keep finances completely separate. You can listen if she complains about her financial situation and if she is willing to listen to suggestions, you can give them (ie "I am sorry you are going though a rough time. One thing that has helped us a lot financially is ___ (couponing/Dave Ramsey/freecycle.com or whatever suggestion you have for her). Then you are giving her help but not enabling and you do not put yourself in a position where you are resentful of how she is spending her money.

This is a common struggle, maybe more so in our modern consumer society than previous centuries. There is so much to want, and so much advertising trying to convince us our wants are legitimate needs.

I have a sister like your friend. She's adorable and charming and financially irresponsible. She has borrowed money from me that she used to take a class (yay!), and then she turned around and took a vacation that was way beyond what I could afford, and never paid back the loan.

Meanwhile, I was living month to month and only able to put $5 per month in savings. I couldn't afford to buy my daughter a pair of jeans she desperately wanted. That was okay, actually, because my daughter learned a great deal about desire and need and saving her own money toward the object of her longing. But I never quite got over how different my sister's priorities were from my own.

I never loaned her another dollar, but her husband borrowed $6000 from my husband, who knew better than to tell me (that's nearly half a year of my take-home pay). We will never get that money back either, because they always had to have expensive extras, in spite of nearly losing their home a couple of times, and have more recently filed for bankruptcy. Go figure.

I still have deep regrets about this situation, and cannot talk to my sister about it. I guess that's why the advice not to lend money to friends and family – if you can afford to give it, and can do so in good conscience, give it as a gift, then let it go.

People are idiots about a lot of things, money, relationships, diet and lifestyle choices, etc. If you let other peoples' bad habits get to you it's just going to bring you down.
Only help them out again if you truly want to, not because you think they're going to learn any better, because they probably won't.

I feel ya! It's not our place to say anything, but we will think it. Some people have money problems because of bad luck, i.e. job loss. Some just can't manage money, period. So if they get a windfall, they don't know how to handle it and buy $2,000 boots.

A millionaire loses his/her money due to an investment gone wrong. A chance taken. In two years that person is a millionaire again. At the end of the day, they are financially savvy. Your friends are not. They will be in the exact same poor boat again. Not wishing it, but that is what is going to happen.

Sometime people can only learn the lesson when they feel the pain of their decisions. Now you know how they have gotten themselves into such situations and next time you can choose to explain that you won't be helping them out because they really don't know how to be wise with money. People who earn what they get tend to be more concerned about how it is spent. Sometimes the best help is to let people learn the natural consequences of their errors.

Makes you feel used, doesn't it?
Their priorities are different.
That's ok.
They have a cash cushion for right now.
Who KNOWS if it will last or not?
Maybe it will and maybe it won't.
But if they ever end up down and out again, I would have to think hard about helping them out again.
People are creatures of habit - they tend to keep on doing what ever it is they have already been doing.
So if they blow through their money quickly - it's a pretty good bet they'll do so again.
It's POSSIBLE they might learn eventually to handle things differently, but many people make the same mistakes over and over again before they think to try something different.
Sometimes you can see a train wreck coming from a long way off, but there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Look at it this way - you helped them out once - that was nice of you.
You are not obligated to repeatedly help the same people over and over again.
If you are the helping sort - there are plenty of others that could use a one time bit of help.
If you help the same people repeatedly - some will keep coming back for more, and then your 'help' becomes 'enabling'.
Chalk it up as a learning experience, and then move on.

I don't think you can do anything about your feelings, except to just shake your head and go hmmmm. Several years ago, a bunch of us from work collected money and made food baskets for the poor, for Thanksgiving. We were to deliver them in a not so nice part of town. Anyway, we went to someones house, and they had brand new big screen TV's, about 3 of them, all in a little bitty house. We were like hello, you asked for food because you can't afford a Thanksgiving meal for your family!! What the heck!! Anyway, some people!!!!

You can't Make them manage their money better.

Right now the Know they they can go through a financial crisis and not only survive, but thrive. Their friends will pull together and meet their needs and companies will extend credit.

If they had indeed suffered dire consequences, they might be motivated to change. You interrupted their learning experience. Now you know better. You should Not help them.

I know that you feel icky. Go ahead and feel it. This is part of Your learning experience. I don't want to interrupt it. ; )

My jaw is still on the floor. I am weary of saving, working hard and watching people do things like this.I am tired of people taking trip after trip, going to carnivals, events and things that cost loads of money, then complain how poor they are. And then in some cases they act as though they are really rich and put you down for not having 'stuff' they have. Oh well. Priorities

Sigh, some people just have no real self-respect. By this I mean, they just aren't responsible adults. At some point you have to just grow up.

I'd feel terrible if I was in your situation. Stuff like this pisses me off.

It's funny, I had a feeling from your last post, that this woman was just wasteful vs. actually being broke, and come to see I was right. I see this with a lot of people nowadays. Truth is, most have no clue what it is to be literally, completely, really, and utterly broke.

I have to keep reminding myself that the only person I can control is myself. You can't control her, but you CAN control your reaction to her.
Now you know what her priorities are, and not to help her out anymore. If she has the nerve to ask you for help again, tell her no, and move on. She sounds like a waste of your time and energy. Create some distance if you need to and rethink whether or not you can continue to be friends with such different values than yourself.

Pray for them and suggest Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. They made a dumb decision but you can't hod them accountable. YOu can choose not to help next time though. I can guarantee there will be a next time and soon where they will be begging for help.

You can't change what you don't acknowledge---- they have too see they have a problem and the problem is not lack of money, its bad money management.

When we know better, we do better, right?
So now you know! (For next time.) lol

I don't think I would be willing to help people like that financially again. And i really don't understand the point of buying a $500 phone that you don't even have service for!! Just so they can wave it around and look cool?? And obviously they didn't get the phone as part of a service plan package, since they dont have any service... Maybe when they get in trouble next time (you know it's coming...) if you feel like you HAVE to help, you could take the kids out to eat or clothes shopping, so that way you're helping the kids and not the parents.

It's amazing to me how people can be so irresponsible, especially when they have kids to take care of. And some people seem so put together and and responsible in their professional lives but their private finances are a disaster. A few years ago I worked at a health care facility and did payroll for the physicians. There were 2 doctors that were constantly in financial trouble. These guys were making anywhere between $275K - $400K a year and were always cash poor. One doctor's wife would call me every time checks were issued a day or two late (due to holidays or whatever) yelling and crying that their mortgage payment would bounce unless they got their check immediately. That same doctor would always 'borrow' money for lunch and never pay anyone back. He once volunteered to host our work Christmas party, but ended up asking everyone to bring a dish to pass AND $10 each because 'their caterer fell through and they needed help offsetting the unexpected extra costs". Really. The other doctor was always complaining about being broke and once called me because he thought his check was $7 short and "needed every penny he could get". He could never take a vacation because vacations were unpaid and he couldn't afford to go the week without his regular paycheck. I worked there 3 years and he never had a whole week off; so making $300K plus a year, he never built up enough of a cushion to miss one paycheck. That's incomprehensible to me.

Things that make you go "huh?" This is a classic situation. We can't tell someone what they SHOULD do with their money. They don't want to get out the $$$ rut thy are just fine. This "bothers" you kind of, but not them. Let it go.

Yeah, you know.... my old cell phone crapped out and I needed a new one. My boss is hearing impaired and one way that we communicate is through text and e-mail, and she texts A LOT. After a couple of paychecks when I first started my new job I had to get an android partially so I could communicate better with my boss. It cost $600-700 but I got it for free because it was at that point in my contract where I could get it that way. I'm sure to friends who know my financial situation it looks like I'm mismanaging my money.

I wonder if my mom, who gave me $500 to buy heating oil at the beginning of the winter, will judge me like this when we use our tax refund to buy a new clothes dryer and couches that don't have wires and stuffing sticking out of them. Because they're luxury items too.