Some Advice for Lonely Single Mom

I know this is probably not the advice you are looking for, but have you considered adopting out the child? Adoptions now are very different than what they used to be. You could still have contact with the child and the child would have a mother and a father.

My husband and I would not be parents if it were not for the selfless sacrifice our son's birth mother made by giving him to us.

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to do, but we are eternally grateful that she made that decision three and a half years ago.

He is the light of our lives.

J.

Honey, I have done this twice with two different fathers and my advice is to get a lawyer (if you can't afford a lot, legal aid can help), document everything and try not to worry too much. If you spend all your time worrying about the future, you will miss the most precious "present" you will ever have. Eventually, she will grow up and make her own decisions about her father and that will be based on her own experiences with him. In my opinion, tigers don't change thier stripes and what you see in him, she will also see.

K.,
Morgan Hill has a public library that belongs to the Santa Clara network of libraries. This network is really good and has a "lot" of good books and has dvds galore on everything. You should visit. Really :)
But it seems the most important thing for you to do is to visit a lawyer just to know what your choices and legal obligations are.
The father of your child could only take her if he can prove that you are an "unfit mother". For example, you cannot provide your child with good nutrition, a clean home (even the tiniest of apartment is ok), and a loving and supportive environment (caring, changing diapers, clean clothes, sufficient money to provide for you and the child, no smoking/drinking/drugs/etc, no yelling, ...). If you do that, there is absolutely no way he could take the child away from you. There are many many options for you and several places that could help you. I also became unexpectedly pregnant and my boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion. I said nothing but I was thinking "Abortion? Over my dead body!" Funny how a pro choice woman can switch to a pro-life one when it comes to her own child.
Google this "help single mother california" (without the quotes). You will find many sites to help you on just about anything. In particular, check out www.singlemom.com and www.singlemoms.org
You need to know that there are a lot of people out there who can help you, because you need to focus on your own health and that of your child. If you can get rid of those worries, you will be happier and your daughter will be healthier.
Now that I've got that out of the way :), here are two unusual tips for raising your child that will make a big difference:
1. Pavlov's baby. Pick a song that the child is unlikely to hear from daycare or from the radio/cd/dvd/tv/etc or from a babysitter, and sing that same melody every time you put the child to sleep. Whether that song has words or not, is unimportant. Pretty soon you'll have created a sleep button you can push every time you want your child to calm down or fall asleep. I use an old folk song with my daughter (she's now 6). Still works wonders.
2. Using your baby's sense of smell. If your child has difficulty staying asleep away from you, either from separation anxiety, or because she's colicky or teething, use a shirt you have recently worn and wrap her snugly in it just like you would with a receiving blanket. Your baby will feel as blissful as if she were sleeping in your arms. If the child is still an infant, make sure there are no loose flaps of fabric like a sleeve or some other part of that shirt. I have a large thin scarf that my child would sometime sleep in after I had worn it several times. You can still use that tip when your child is older and sleeping in a strange place - in which case, the softer the texture of the piece of clothing is, the better this works.
Love and best of luck to you both. I'll be thinking of you.
A.

Hi K.,

I just read your letter. My heart completely goes out to you even more so because I know, having two babies, how difficult and challenging it can be taking care of children. I don't have any family help but, I do have the help of my husband. You are about to embark on one of the most challenging yet delightful times in your life. The best advice I can give you, regardless of what people may think, is to absolutely do whatever it takes legally, to keep your boyfriend out of your baby's life. The stress of raising a child is hard enough. To add a dope smoking, irresponsible boyfriend into the picture sounds like an absolute nightmare. I seriously doubt, without a job and the fact that he does drugs, that he would be able to get custody. That's almost laughable. Do you think he would even be motivated to seek his own legal counsel if you didn't put his name on the birth certificate? Please talk to an attorney. Usually, you can get a consultation for free with a lawyer. Visitation rights? Yes. Probably. But, I highly doubt he has a chance getting full custody. Unfortunately, if you plan to go after him for child support, he will need to be listed on the birth certificate. You need to seriously weigh the options and decide what is ultimately going to best for your child. And if you want to keep him away from your child, I personally, would leave him off the birth certificate.

As for help. You will need it. I am sad for you that your family and friends have abandoned you during this crucial time in your life. Is there anyone you can think of that can help you? You will need help. The only other option is to contact a social worker in Morgan Hill's county and begin to find out how you can get assistance, both emotionally and monetarily. You may be able to find a single mother's group. You will absolutely need to find childcare while you work (and not your dope smoking ex!).

You know K., maybe it's not such a bad idea to go elsewhere. If you have the money to leave, and you don't have any support where you are now, maybe it's time to find a new life. How far along are you? What would you do for work? Maybe you could find another single and pregnant mother who would want to share an apartment. You guys could help each other. Maybe you could post something on Craig's list or some sort of site for single mothers. There are options out there.

You have a strength in you, K., that you are not even yet aware of. Do NOT let anyone take that away from you. Once you're child is born, much will be demanded of you and within those moments of complete exhaustion and solitude, you will find out that you are more strong and powerful than you ever could have imagined. Don't allow anyone to threaten you (i.e. ex claiming he will seek custody, etc.). Those types of people are toxic to you and to your child. It is o.k. to move away both emotionally and physically from people who are not supportive, loving, and nurturing. And this is the first lesson you must teach your baby.

Wish I could be of more assistance to you. Take care of yourself and your baby.

N.

It is hard being a single mom but you can do it. it is possible if you have public assistance to work part-time and have daycare part-time. and also other moms in the same situation can help. you will find new friends don't worry. there are so many things you will be concerned about when you have the baby that this man will no longer seem important. just because he helped create the baby does not mean that he is the best father for your child. don't fall into feeling like since he is the father that you have to be a family. your own family may come around after the baby is born too. if you feel like you should move then do it. make sure you start the child support paperwork before the baby is born. i know they ask you to have the father sign a paternity form but you don't need it. he will request a paternity test anyway so don't stress out about getting him to sign anything. getting child support does not mean that he will automatically have visitation rights. it takes determination to get things done in the court system and he probably doesn't have it. give the baby your last name. also, the court can keep your address private from him if you request that. seeking family legal aid may help put your mind at ease. it sounds like he is making threats to scare you so cutting off all contact would be good for you. just remember it's all about what is best for the baby, and you.

Hm. If I were you I'd listen to my instinct to move. But your choice must be an analytical one. What states have the best job prospects for your skill set and which ones have the easiest access/best funded assistance programs? If you can get a job somewhere else and the help/safety net your new little family will need I'd head straight for it after grabbing the proof the other mamapedia member suggested of the father's drug use. Good Luck!

I am a single mother with 3 kids so I know it can be done. Don't let that scare ya!! My family disowned me which has hit me the hardest. I have come to the conclusion that they are very unhappy people and I think things happen for a reason. You can not see the reason right now but trials do give you a lot to grow from. I had two kids and then after I divorced I got pregnant right away. The man did not really want to have the baby and he asked me to have an abortion. There was no way this was ever going to happen! I kept the baby and eventually married the father which turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I am divorced now and just learned to take things a day at a time. My oldest is in college and so a lot of my extra money goes to her but I really don't mind because she is a good kid!! You probably would not find me in a church but I do realize with the help of God by my side I can pull through. When you are single you start looking deep inside yourself for answers and this will lead you in a positive direction. Happiness is the biggest key in the puzzle of life and when you can self-examine you can find that out and this is very beneficial for you and your kids. If you think that moving away and getting involved with a different set of friends and a different support system then that is what you should do. Things will be hard but when you work hard for something you appreciate it a lot more. I don't think the father would have a chance of full custody for the child because he is not stable. You are the biggest role model for your children so if you can be strong and independent then everything will begin to fall in place.

Trust your instincts. You are the mother, and you are the one who stood by your resolve to have this baby, regardless of the father's initial desire to "get rid" of her...

I am a single mom, and I know from experience that once you let the father sign the birth certificate, he has legal rights. So, be aware of what you want, and figure out how you want to be raising your child. If you have problems with the father now, there are bound to be more once the child is born... just saying.

Be strong - its hard to be a single parent, but it is much better than being in a caustic relationship.

Hugs to you, sweetie. If you were my daughter, I'd ask you to look at all of your options, including adoption.

No judgement at all intended- just look at all your options and consider them all. Being a single mom is tough for you and the baby. Without a lot of support it will be tougher. I'm not saying to do one thing or another, I am saying that there are a lot of options so go talk to the not for profits that work with pregnant moms so you know exactly what to expect if you choose to keep the baby or if you make other decisions. Then follow your gut- you will know what to do.

Also, go to a not for profit law center and talk to a family law attorney as to how to protect yourself and your baby. Information is imperative and valuable. Information from a licensed family law attorney is better than any you can get here.

Sending good thoughts your way. And find time to take care of yourself.

first of all.....you are pregnant your with the hormones your body is producing..a lot of emotions are heightened.....with that said...go with your gut on the birth father.....BUT...you need to keep all info on him....please do not deny your child the right to meet thier father..no matter how screwed up he is now. I am an adopted mother of two....and at the time..thier mother was as screwed up as one could get...but i knew she was young and drugs become another beast....my girls birth mom is doing great now..her life is back to normal....and we keep in contact through mail and email and when my girls want to and are ready to meet her then we will. Probably during the teenage years..but it is best to tell your unborn child only the good things about the father and when they get to an age where they might understand some things..give them just a little bit that they can understand in a POSITIVE light....My 6 year old understands that her birth mom made bad choices because that's what drugs do..but is very happy she is healthy now.

In the long run..it will be you who is the primary caretaker.....wether or not family or friends will help...start your nesting and figure out where you need to go. Good luck.

Sorry that your family and friends arent supportive, I dont know what I would do if My family wasnt here for me so my heart goes out to you. My son is 6 montjs old now but his daddy also suggested I get an abortion, but like you I had my moral reasons and now that our son is here he wants full custody too. He wrks full time ,drinks all the time and has a bad temper so I dont look foward to my sons visits with his dad. Im finally going to court for child support ( he never gave me a cent nor was he there during my pregnancy) but now he wants full custody? Like it or not, fathers have rights and he can take you to court, is he paying you child support? If he isnt I would suggest you file with the attorney general and let them know all your concerns with the babys father. Moving away crossed my mind a few times too and you may be able to get away with it because hes not on the birth certificate. Hope things go ok with u

I see you have several responses already and I haven't read them all, so please excuse me if I repeat someone else.

I would document everything. His pressure to abort and his drug use.. Everything. Even if you are just writing down the facts as you know them, but if you have others that can write a statement that they witnessed anything have them do that. "He said he wanted her to terminate the pregnancy", or " He was angry about becoming a father against his will.", or " He was smoking weed when I arrived." Anything they've seen or heard first hand. Make sure there is no " I heard he did this or that.." kind of thing. Just first hand knowledge that is true and would support you claim that he is not fit to watch your child. Have your doctor's office write a letter stating that they have never met the father. The drug use is your biggest defense if you can document it. Any photos of him partying? Stick them in the file.

You say he has never lived alone. Does he still live with his parents? Do you live alone and support yourself? Document these things as well. It shows you as the responsible adult parent.

If there is a Pregnancy Resource Center near you, go see them. There is one in Santa Cruz and they help by providing emotional and physical support to single moms, as well as information on adoption if that is an option you are considering. They can really help you. If there is not one in Morgan Hill call the Santa Cruz office and see if they can refer you to support in your area.

I'm sorry you are facing such a tough situation, but keep in mind the precious gift you are carrying. Stress and worry are not good for you or your baby. If your family will not provide the emotional and physical support you need, find it somewhere else. It is out there!

First, I'm sorry you are having a hard time, and I'm especially sorry your family is not helping you.

If it were me, I would definitely not put him on the birth certificate or allow him anywhere near me or the baby. Let him have to push for a paternity test if he is that serious. If he's not, it's better he leave you alone.

I would find a support group of other single moms, there are plenty of us around. Take care, I hope you feel better soon.

Look in to CALWORKS. It is a great program that really helped me when I was going through a rough period. They have financial, childcare and tons of other help.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way, and hope that your family will come around once the child is born.

Also, find a mothers group and you will meet other moms with kids and they oyu will have new friends!

Believe him when he shows you his true colors. If you can deal with that, go for it. But, be ok with your decision when nothing in him has changed. Men usually take MANY more years to mature than women. Follow your instinct, trust your gut. The environmental and relational decisions you make will effect how you raise your child. If you are constantly stressed out about what he's doing or not doing, you will not be able to be completely present for a life you chose to bring into this world.

Do not put his name on the birth certificate if you haven't done so yet. He can't have visitation if you have a good lawyer that demands he get drug tested often.stop going to his house!!! Ignore him and start being a strong g self sufficient woman that you have to be now for your child. You may be on your own but the minute you buck up and realize it and everything will be ok because you are strong and will make it just for your child. Who cares about anyone else take care of your child and enjoy it cuz it will go fast and You want to have a great kid and great relationship with your kid.

Take care of yourself and your baby first and formost. You sound like you know what you need to do and what not to do. I have been through the court system and if you can avoid it, its a real headache. Just remember, keep it simple. There are wonderful moms everywhere that support one another whether it is alanon, labor classes, baby play groups, or this website. You are not alone. When are you due? and where are you? I am in Sonoma and happy to be someone to talk ____@____.com

Perhaps you should go to your church minister and ask for help from family guidance resources in your area. There probably are organizations that give sound advice to those that are in this position. Don't try to handle this all on your own. You need support.

Even though I briefly read the other replies I agree with them. Don't put the father's name on the birth certificate. I was in the same situation as you but I did the opposite and got ride of it at 5 weeks along because I thought I was in love and I thought he loved me. It went against everything I stand for and regret it every day. but now I have a beautiful baby boy who is two months old. Thank goodness not by the same man. If he is telling you he wants custody, the minute you mention to a judge about his weed addiction they will drug test him, not to mention if he doesn't have a stable lifestyle the suites a child he will not be awarded custody either. Don't worry, my advice would be to move away, change your number make it unlisted and change anything he can get in contact with you with. And if your ever looking for someone to talk to I'm always available. My name is A.. if you ever wanna talk email me ____@____.com good luck. :)

Lose the father! You don't need any more burdens in your life. Get a lawyer to make him help you pay for raising the baby. Free legal help is available. You need to devote yourself to raising your baby, not the baby's father. Find a support group. These can be life savers in tough times. Being a single mom or even a mom under any circumstances is challenging on multiple levels, but rewarding. Though you will likely work harder than you ever have, your baby will be worth it. Most of all, don't allow yourself to spend a lot of time stressing. Open your heart to the ongoing moments of joy, love, and amazement! You will be okay!

I would try to find a legal aid office and seek their legal opinion. You need to do all you can to protect you and your child. As soon as you can, try to find a new moms group for additional support. Churches can also be a great resource.
Blessings,
N.

hi K., your not alone honey, try being pregnate at 16 and in the same situation as you! That was 20 years ago and I did it with the love of God and the love I have for my child. your guy is probably trying to take custody so he won't have to pay child support. Most guys would rather see there child suffer than to give a dime to their ex's and it takes a hard lesson for them to understand whats best for the child should ALWAYS come first. My advise to you is to focus on you and your baby and your future. the sooner you learn to become fully independant the better it'll be in the long run. Surround yourself with positive caring people and you'll see they will help you when you least expect it. Some tough times may come but always remember you are doing your best and thats more than anyone can ask, especially your baby. Smile and God bless you:-)

I am a mom in my 40's and a teacher of young children. It is not my decision, but have you considered adoption? I see how hard and financially challenging it is for a mom of any age, to raise a child on her own having witnessed it as a teacher. It is truly in the childs best interest to be brought up in a stable, loving, 2 parent family. From the sounds of it things, it is definitely not in the best interest of the baby to be raised partially by an irresponsible (and it sounds like immature, dysfunctional) father. You are young and sound intelligent with a huge portion of your life ahead of you to make better choices. To have the baby then to have to work FT to support the baby on your own is for sure not in the child's best interest. You need to be thinking most right now of what is in the child's best interest, not yours, or the fathers. I hope you do what is best for you and your baby.

Hello K., As the mother of 5(I have a son your age) and having raised several foster children some that have been in your place I thought I would first of all tell you how glad I am that you decided to keep the baby. I wouldn't have our 2nd saughter which we got as a teen had her mother not given her birth.
If the man asked you to"get rid of it", then he is not the man of quality that you or any woman deserves to have in their lives. You are worth so much more than he has to offer you. If you know that he doesn't work,isn't trying to be independent and living off or with someone, and does drugs that alone should tell you he just might be a looser. I have to say that it surprises me that with all the other things he is a looser about that you thought that he'd be interested in doctor appts. or seeing you- he has proven that he doesn't care. As for the birth certificate-- I have learned from a few young ladies that they wish that they had not put the guys name on it because of the pain and trouble it has caused them and their child. Unless you are planning on his being made by the county to pay for the baby and they might not even get him to do that-- what would be the point. Since being a birth father hasn't taught him to man up and get his life in order. I am very sorry that your "friends" left you behind. I know that one of my daughter's friends really learned who to trust and who not to from her being pregnant. I am not sure what your family really agreed to do but you might try talking to them again. See if you are being realistic in your expectations of the situation. keep that in mind many of your other choices will be easier to make being a parnet is a wonderful experiance and as wild as any theme park ride with all its twists and turns, but I promise you that it can be well worht it.
I know of several families that have adopted and are so happy that a young mom was loving and brave enough to give them the chance to become parents so you might wish to consider that as a option. With open adoptions the new parents will keep you informed as to your childs life and often will let you have contact withthe child. Since you live in Morgan Hill, you might check with a minister from one of the local churches and see of they ave anything that can help you, or go back and talk to a favorite teacher that you had and see if they can direct you.
Keep in touch on MamaSource here, you have friends that will care and cheer you on. God Bless, Nana G.

Maybe you should think about moving away. Only you can decide that. But don't be too upset over friends and family. They probably support you mentally, but don't expect too much from them other than that. They probably have their own problems to deal with every day, just like we all do. Your baby will give you new purpose in life. And if you are going to keep her, which I personally think you should, then be the best mom you can be. Look up some women's organizations and maybe ask your doctor if he or she knows any organization that could help. As far as the father goes, it sounds like you should absolutely lose contact with him. If all he does is sit around and smoke weed all day, why would you want him in your life or in your baby's life? PLEASE set your sights higher next time. Don't even date anyone that smokes weed, doesn't have a good job, good moral values, or know how to treat a wife and child. If you trust him even one day without you around, I think you're crazy. If it were me, I probably wouldn't even put his name on the certificate for the reason you stated. He's obviously totally irresponsible. And if you don't take any money from him, he won't have any rights to her. Take charge of your life girl--and your baby's. I don't know what kind of schooling you've had, but maybe a family member would babysit while you take some classes. Temp (temporary) agencies are great for finding jobs for people (like after the baby is about 4 months old). Can you possibly live with your mom or dad for awhile? Remember, set your sights a little higher next time. I went to high school with a girl (many years ago) who had a baby out of wedlock in her junior year. She held her head high, and did not date anyone for about 4 or 5 years. She was so proud of her little girl and took such good care of her, and about 5 years late met a wonderful man who loved her and her little girl very much, had a great job, and gave her and her daughter a wonderful life. But she played her cards right and made a plan and stuck to it. She did not sleep around in the meantime. That's very important. Respect yourself and others will respect you. Good luck! You can do it! Many, many others have.

Hello- You don't say how old the baby is but I think you have made a good choice in not going to father's house anymore. While I know it must be hard to do that, I think you should probably stay clear of him to raise your child. I know it's hard to raise your child on your own but love your child, accept help when you do have it offered and be kind to your child and your both will reap the rewards. Okay having said all that you need to find some help in some way. How about finding a mommy's group? At least, you can meet other mom's in your area and get some good advice. In addition to that, how about going to a church in your area. It can be a good place to meet other people and maybe you can set up some play dates. If any family member offers to help, take it! Even if it's something simple like coming over to wash bottles, clothes, make you something to eat, help feed the baby while you're there etc. Don't leave your child with anyone you don't know and it doesn't sound like you should be leaving him with his father. Maybe you can leave the father's name off of the birth certificate for now. If you have any family here, it might not be good to move far away to a place where you do not know anyone meaning you'll have even less help there. Rest when your baby naps so you can re-energize. Hang in there and let me know if you need any other advice.

HI, Sounds like you are feeling very lonely. You have a lot hormones going nutso right now, but what I believe is that when you see your baby you will not feel alone. ALSO people start coming out of the woodwork to see a baby and I bet you will get help in the beginning, BUT you are the mother and guess what? After a while, yes, you will be the ONE and MAIN one in your child's life forever. Your child will see you as the center of the universe. It is quite wonderful and scary at the same time. You need to muster all your strength and decide to be strong now and for ever. You are an official adult now that's for sure. If you have a basically good relationship with your family (you didnt mention too much about it) dont be afraid to ask for help. Ask a couple people to help you esp. the first weeks so that you can rest after giving birth. Do not feel sorry for yourself. You have been given a wonderful gift and you will soon see. Be smart. Dont worry about the dad, if he wants to be involved he will , but you be the mama bear and watch every move. He did not want the child and now wants to have the child full time? Not sure about that. Do not give up your baby to someone you do not trust. You can let him see the child, visit the child, give you money or things for the child, but unless there is a family situation here where he and his mother I presume really care and want to be parent and grandparent, I would not leave the child with them. Find out about all services you can receive help from like WIC. Do not try to buy everything "new" and waste money. Shop Craig's list for items and used stores if you are on a budget. Be frugal, which is smart. You can get so much stuff for a child, but just get what you really use and need. Tell someone a friend your mom a relative that you would really appreciate a shower. BE happy and read some books to help you. You already have a source of support with Mamapedia! There are other moms you will meet as you are out and about with your baby. You might want to consider joining a MOPs group at a church which is Mothers of Preschoolers....but they have baby groups. Some churches have free clothes etc. to offer you. I would just be so resourceful to save your money so that if you do need to pay for childcare and work you can. Maybe a relative will help you. Just try and not be overwhelmed and expect too much (so that you wont be disappointed) the wonderful thing with a child is that the main thing they want is love and your patience with them. You do need things and money. Hopefully the dad will help you somewhat with money but if he doesnt you need to lean on family so you can work to support you and the baby. Do things for the right reasons and you wont feel bad or sorry for yourself. It's easy to feel that way when you just are exhausted and want someone to take care of you, but you will have to find some ways to care for yourself. Really appreciate the little life in front of you. Just dont resent the baby, he or she will be your truest ally and you are the babys world. They will love you and completely depend on you so you must muster the confidence that you can do this. It is the most wonderful feeling to be a mother I think. It is not easy though. Make sure you dont focus on a man so much...a really good one may just come along, but will respect you if you are a good mother (and then may want you to be the mother of his children) If you are not meeting that kind of guy then you should do yourself a favor and leave them to the bars and chicks. You are a mother now and a force to be reckoned with. Dont expect from others what you can provide yourself though either. Good luck and know other moms out there care.

Keep your chin up. There are plenty of single mothers out there doing great jobs raising their kids. Decide what it is you want out of this life and go for it. You can do this. Get yourself situated and make the best for you and your baby.

He asked you to get rid of the baby and now he wants full custody? Sounds like he playing games. He just wants to make you miserable since you didn't take his advice - he doesn't really want the baby for the sake of being a loving father. I hope for your sake he's really just bluffing and the weed will make him lazy and just go away.There is lots of good advice given by others so far. Do not put his name on the birth certificate and be sure to give the baby your last name. Go to a legal clinic for help. Scour the phone book/ internet to find a low cost attorney or see if your dr has any suggestions for a legal clinic in your town. Get full custody. Write down everything you know that could damage his reputation. Do you know who he buys weed from (if not can you watch for the dealers car and write down the license plate?)? Write it down. Any DUI's or wreckless driving convictions? Any criminal activity (other than buying weed?). I'm not saying you do, but if you have any of these activities (or others) in your past, think about how to prove you have learned from them and have moved on so he cannot use them against you. Please seek prenatal classes, and later on, parenting classes as well as playgroup activites. PArenting is hard. Toddler years are particularly hard and require patience and firmness (but not harshness)in discipline. Building a network of people to vent with and bounce ideas off of is essential since you don't have family/friends/spouse. It can be done but it takes effort. Don't be afraid to seek professional counseling of you have access to it. Don't see counseling as a failure, see it as a tool to help you become the person and mother you want to be. Once you get a grip on your life, you will slowly be able to let men into your life again and find a man that's right for you. Be sure to learn from past mistakes, and think carefully about the qualities you want in a partner. When the time is right life will present opportunites again. Take care of yourself and your baby first and foremost now, and the rest will follow. Good luck.

I have two children ages 14 and 7 now. The oldest from a relationship that was brief and the 2nd from one very similar to you are in. When I found out I was pregnant with my youngest I was already a single parent. Her father did the same to me and begged me to terminate the pregnancy. I chose not to. It has been a rough road even now when once a year he wants to see her. He too has done his ins and outs over the years but it has never been consistent and to this day she doesn't "know" him at all. I have a tiny family and friends around me that are all married with children. They do not understand the life of a single parent. I also live in a small town where single parents are not the norm. But thru it all, the struggle and tears I have done it. There will be days that are the hardest of your life but you get thru it and it just makes you a stronger person. I have also chose to stay single and raise my children because I dont want an unstable male in and out of my childrens life. I think that too is very important. But believe in yourself. When that baby comes life will be so different. And so worth every minute. Best of luck to you.

This won't help your loneliness but I strongly urge you to consult with an attorney about your and your child's rights and doing what is best to protect her. Not putting his name on the birth certificate only makes it more difficult for him to exercise his rights but he still can if he's focused. Sounds like he might not be. Perhaps he's making a threat to have baby live with him to get back at you. I definitely agree that it would be best for him to not have primary or even shared custody with you. At the same time it may be important that your child know his/her father when they are older. While (s)he is a baby, consistency and security are very important and I wouldn't want someone like you describe around.

If you can't afford an attorney, make an appointment with legal aid. You will feel more secure if you're able to get a court order ahead of time. I don't know if that's possible but it's worth asking about. It will definitely be important for you to know what the law is concerning custody so that you can make plans.

I support you not including him in your life. He is not mature enough for the type of relationship you need.

What are your interests? Join a club or group with an interest based focus. It doesn't matter if members are parents or single parents or not.
Another idea is to join Parents Without Partners. We have a very active group in our city. If you read, the library has book clubs. If you garden or are just interested in gardening there are garden clubs. I've been in a couple of Gourmet Dining Clubs and started another one many years ago. I learned about them in the local interest newspaper.

Take a prenatal class. You're apt to meet another single mom there. Be open to being friends with a married mom. Your hospital may have a new mom's support group.

Find a church, if you don't already attend. There you'll meet older women who would like to take you under their wing. And there may be a singles group too.

Look in the phone book, on the web, in the local free newspaper you'll find at grocery stores for a support group. It doesn't have to be one focused on single moms or babies. I've talked with people who went to Alanon even tho they didn't have a drug problem in the family and found good support. Actually, when I think about it, Alanon might be a very good fit for you since your ex smokes pot in excess.

I suspect your family will be more involved once the baby is here. Babies win hearts. Have you reached out to them by including them in plans for the nursery, clothes, learning about pregnancy and parenting? Invite them over for dinner and a movie on the DVD player.

When I was your age and older, I was good friends with a couple of different women who were single mothers. I love kids and loved being involved with their families. I met both of them at work.

Don't move away. You'd have to start everything over and that would be even more of a downer. Can you imagine finding a place to live, where to buy groceries, not knowing the area, etc.?

If you're not working, have you applied for state assistance? Go early for appointments. The waiting room is nearly always full of people. Strike up conversations and see if you run into someone you'll like.

Most important of all is to get started in counseling. You must be depressed and need someone to talk with. Groups run by professional therapists are inexpensive and will not only give you somewhere to talk but will also help you find a way out of depression, give you other ways of looking at things, and in general be supportive. Again, you can find a group in the local social "gab" sheet. Call your county's mental health office and ask about the ones they run. You can get one on one counseling thru the county also.

If you have insurance call several different offices to find a one on one counselor who takes your insurance.

You can do this! I admire your decision to keep the baby. You are on a difficult path but not an impossible one. Keep reaching out to people, on this site, and in person. The more activities you get involved with the more choices of friends you'll have.

i was in the same situation as you are when i got pregnant with my son. his father didn't want him and HE moved away. But when I made the decision to keep my son i just programmed my self to know that i would be pretty much doing this on my own. you have made some pretty gppd decison i feel by not dealing with him. i can't say that you should move but take him to court. I had to take mine to court because when he came back home he promised he would help me and that i didn't have to wprry about anything but he did nothing and would pop up to get my son every other month when he felt like it. he was not on my son;s burth certificate and i was still awarded full custody. because he can deny all day but they always do a DNA test before ordering support. IT's very hard being a single mother because I have walked in your shoes! I know exactly how you feel and its dishearting and sad sometimes but we are women and we are strong. and you will get through this. Remember this what one man won't do another will! You will find someone to love you and love your son like his own. but in the mean time don't let what this dummy does control what you do. keep on keeping on and I you will be alright! Forget him if you don't trust him don't let him have the baby full time. your gut is speaking to you and a mother's intution is nothing to play with. I wish you the best of luck and you are in my prayers.

Hi K.~
My heart goes out to you. DO NOT LET HIM HAVE YOUR CHILD!! If he smokes weed; he could get angry for any reason and your daughter will be the one to suffer! DO NOT let her be with him without supervision. You can make it on your own; you don't need anyone to help you. YOU CAN DO IT! I will say a prayer for you.

Lucy B.

Wowzers. Well i'm sorry to hear of your situation. I would get proof that he smokes weed all day ust in case he does try to take full custody you can use it in court. Judges can even order parents to take drug tests before their ruling. He frst wanted you to get rid of the baby, but now wants full custody? My advice on your friends is, things change. If they are a true friend it wont, but that doesnt mean you might drift apart. If i were in your shoes I would get a good game plan together about finances, daycare (if you work) and so on. Even if you do want to move, do your research. You should feel as prepared as possible before that baby is out, cause once the baby is out a whole lotta unexpected things happen that you will have to deal with. All I can say is good luck and stay strong.

K., Congratulations on your pregnancy -- you are about to embark on the wonderful journey of motherhood -- a journey that is completely yours to make the best of!

Your friends and family may come and go - even though a baby is a hard thing to resist for most family members - and if this is the case you might want to seek your own positive support system as others here have also suggested. Find out through the state, your doctor or your community how to join in support or community groups of other pregnant women and/or moms.

If you are looking for work, look for a place where you will be happy and treated well. Some of our most important support systems come from our workplace relationships.

I agree that you should deal with the father in the most formal/legally binding way so the State can handle him and, most importantly, can protect you and your baby from any ill-will from him.

Everything now should be decided for your baby's best interest and that includes your well being. Be strong & smart and realize that you - a mother-to-be - deserves only the best... even if you didn't feel that way about yourelf before. Only let the right people in your life -- people who are loving & positive. You can find them! Love youself and your baby and the right people will "follow your lead".

Just be strong, and don't let anyone break you down! Focus on you and that baby and NO ONE ELSE. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but it will be worth it. Look for friends and support elsewhere, church, parents without partners, mommy and me groups etc. You are facing alot right now and probably very vulnerable. But just remember that you can do this, and it will be okay. I was a single mom for a long long time. And as hard as it was, when I stayed focused things always worked out. Keep your chin up and good luck. You will be a much stronger person in the long run. And your child will have a great respect and love for you.

If you're afraid he'll try and take the baby, you can do one of two things. First, leave him off the birth certificate. If he wants to be her daddy, let him work for it. (Go through the court system to establish paternity.) You may not want to do that because she will go through life with no father on her birth certificate. Or, you could put him on and immediately file paternity paperwork asking for full legal and physical custody. If he makes any noises, tell the court about his weed smoking and say if he wants visitation, you want him to test first. If the test is dirty, then no visits. It is very hard when you are pregnant and your friends are single. They do tend to move away because there are so many things that you can't/won't do now. After the baby is born, you can get into a group for single parents and some baby and me classes or just trips to the park to make friends with other new moms. It's hard, but you will make friends who have babies the same age as yours and who will want to do things with you and the kids. Just hang in there and keep your eye on the big prize!

First of all, if "the father" begged you to have an abortion, I fail to see why he's in the picture at all. Why would you bother going by his house? Why do you even care if he's made an effort to see you.

In regards to his desire to raise the child full time, I suggest you ignore him and If he wants to sue for paternity let him. He doesn't sound at all qualified to raise a child so I wouldn't worry to much about him getting custody.

I noticed you didn't mention your work situation or ability to care for the child full time... have you considered putting the child up for adoption? Perhaps I misunderstand your situation, but you seem to be saying that you are unable to care for the child full time. If I am mistaken about this, I apologize.

If you want and are able to keep this baby, then I recommend that you forget the baby's father and move on with your life and focus your energy on forging new relationships within your community. Take a prenatal yoga class to meet other new moms to be of something equally positive.

im also a single mom, friend! i hate that bustard father of your child. my advise to you is stop dealing with that man. get moving and raise your child on your own. who knows, you might have another apportunity that is much better than before, friend.

I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but will offer some advise. First you need to realize your choice to keep your baby, was also a choice to care for her not only with love and care. But also the financial part, you can not rely on others for help, you have to tell yourself you will search all resources for financial aid and see what you can do for work. If your already working and I'm sure you are, ask yourself have you done everything to bring in more money for you and your daughter. Do you have a sitter or a family member who is willing to watch her so you can find a second job, or work more hours. You obviously can not count on anyone so, you have to count on yourself, Keep telling yourself that... Friends come and go , that's life or maybe your friends have just gotten frustrated with the idea of you still trying to hold onto this dead beat dad who really doesnt care about his daughter. He hasn't financially helped you, He hasn't stepped up as a father to take care of her or provide her with the love and care he should be providing her with to give a better life. Even if you two are not a couple you both share the responsibility of raising this child. If he's too selfish and continues to use drugs and hasn't really helped you... Is this who want your daughter to be around? NO!! of course not... If he's not on the birth certificate then , keep him off! Yes, once you put him on the birth certificate your are opening all the doors for him, He could take her if he can prove too be more financially stable , if he has a stable home , like living with his parents. Think.... Figure out how you can earn extra money, who can help sit her while your working , how can you cut cost for things you don't need, stay away from the malls don't spend money you don't have. Make sure you talk with family members who might be able to help , It never hurts to ask... Sometimes moving can help, but ask yourself if moving will change anything or will it make it worse. Who would help you if you moved, DO you have a plan?.. You have to have a plan you can't just move. Then you could end up homeless with no one you will know... Get him our of your life and get away from her, he's 27 years old and a dead beat dad, he's bad for your daughter and you need to get over him. He doesn't need to see her , he hasn't helped you in any way... Why in the world would you even go to his house, grow up and do what's right!
Good Luck and Stay Strong....

wow, it's even brave of you to share your thoughts and fears! I think that a person's past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. If he hasn't been to any of your pregnancy appointments do you think he'll go to any of the child's doctor's appointments? Smoking anything is not good around an infant. Aside from the dangers of direct smoke, second hand smoke they are now finding issues with 3rd hand smoke. An infant is like a sponge and their skin & lungs absorb like a sponge. Even if a smoker does not smoke 'around' the baby, the carcinogenics still pas into their body from breath and touch. If you did list him as the father and he seeks visitation or custody can you have it contingent on drug testing prior to each visit?

Hang in there. Like many of the posts say you are not alone. Even those of us that are fortunate to have the father around have a hard time getting help taking care of the baby. Try to find local support like a meetup.com group or check the hospitals for free breastfeeding programs or mommy & me classes, those are great opportunities to gain support for your new life as a mom.