Six Year Old Daughter Never Wants to Go to School!

IMHO, she's playing you. She knows that it bothers you and how worried you are and she's capitalizing on that. I think you need to be more matter-of-fact and not "offer" her the opportunity to refuse. Get her up, be happy, and upbeat. and then just move through the morning routine very matter-of-factly paying no attention to her comments about not going. If she doesn't get dressed, then dress her. If she doesn't eat her breakfast, send her to school without. Again, no power struggle, just matter-of-fact. When it's time to go, leave. If her hair is not brushed or she doesn't have a coat, no big deal. Once she realizes that she's not in charge and you aren't paying attention to her BS, she will stop. But you can't engage in the power struggle as hard as that will be.

I didn't want to go to school at that age either. I used to feel physically ill every morning. Big brother thought I was faking and used to tease me, which didn't help the situation. I was a very good student, was on the shy side but had lots of friends and very kind teachers. I think it was simply that I would have rather been home safe and sound with mom. I'm guessing the change in teacher upset her little world. Change is hard for some of us!

You are unintentionally creating these problems because of your worry that your daughter is going to go down your path of depression and anxiety. Here's the insight based on years of experience: Your daughter has a SAHM who dotes on her. Your daughter has two parents who adore her. Your daughter is FINE. You have to trust that your daughter is emotionally fine so that you can be firm with her.

Your daughter is manipulating you because she can sense your worry and she knows she will get away with it. (Manipulation at age 6 is unconscious.) You have to trust the teacher's judgment that she is doing just fine at school. Here's the thing -- you are bigger than she is, so if you absolutely have to, just pick her up, plop her in the car, bring her clothes and some extra food if she didn't eat breakfast, and take her to school. Stop all the talking to her, and simply make her go. Watch a few episodes of Supernanny if you need support and inspiration.

All the discussion and charts and things that you try -- your heart is in the right place, but sometimes parents can fuss too much over something, and is has the unintended consequence of making the child feel that something is wrong, where it actually isn't.

Once you stop worrying about her emotional well-being, you will be able to be firm. And sorry to be blunt, but please stop talking to her about a sibling who means nothing to her. The baby was your loss, not hers. She won't have any feelings about that unless you put your loss on her. You don't need to be heartbroken for her sake. If she needs a playmate, set up playdates with the other moms at school. Most kids play better with friends than they do with their own siblings, so your daughter didn't require a sister to have a friend. You absolutely do not need to feel heartbroken for her.

You have to trust that your daughter is completely emotionally healthy. This is evident by the way you describe her and the things she says, and by the things you say about the way you talk to her and the things you worry about. It's you who worries too much. Be a firm mom and seek counseling for yourself if you need to, because I think you do.

Two excellent replies below; please re-read them. I too thought that you need to take care not to bring up the miscarriage with her any more, if you are talking about your lost child in front of her now. Talking about her "missing" sibling seems to be fueling her imagination that her life is incomplete, and you need her to feel that she's fine as she is, without a younger sibling.

I also want to ask: Are you in any kind of treatment for your own depression and anxiety? Are these medically diagnosed conditions you're referring to, or your own take on your feeliings without a formal diagnosis? I would strongly advise you to start talk therapy with an experienced professional if you are not already doing so; therapy would also help you develop some specific tactics for handling your emotions around your child, and for seeing more clearly when she is possibly manipulating you, and when she is truly anxious. And therapy could help you work through your understandable grief over the miscarriage. If you are already doing talk therapy or counseling, bring your daughter up with the therapist.

I would absolutely go and talk with her school counselor--just you, without your daughter, the first time--and explain the difference between the girl the teachers see at school and the behaviors you experience at home. A good counselor will have seen this kind of thing before, believe me. Kids act one way at school and another way with their parents all the time, and your daughter sounds as if she might be either anxious, or simply seeking attention, or a combination of both. The counselor might want to work with her on relaxing her need to control things -- which, by the way, is a VERY normal phase for kids at around this age. I hope the school has an experienced and professional counselor who can maybe set your mind at ease about how normal some of your daughter's behavior really is. The counselor might also want to see your daughter a few times to talk with her and see if she seems to be masking anxiety at school.

You do need to get to a place yourself where you can be firm with her. And I totally agree with the post below that she needs playdates -- it's not always easy to set them up but you need to make the effort and keep it up; please don't cling to the idea that only a sibling would keep her from being lonely. You also would meet other parents, some of whom might end up being friends for YOU. And get your daughter into some organized activities if she's not already in them; she needs to get out and do things that interest her with the guidance of adults who are not you or dad. Since she's pretty attached to you, don't become a scout leader or sports team mom yourself--you need her to have activities that are hers alone and don't involve you (though later, yes, volunteer, once she is past this stage!).

And be sure you have something you do regularly outside the house during her school day, both so you get out and get outside your own mind, and so you can say to her kindly but firmly: "Today while you're at school I am volunteering at (the food bank/the shelter/PTA activity/whatever) so I'll be very busy." Being busy is good for your own depression and also lets her know mom is not at her beck and call if she were at home.

Some kids are school haters. No real reason for it. Stop making it a huge deal. She's 6 and you can sit her down and explain that everyone has things they have to do. Your husband's is going to work to earn money and spending time with his family. Yours is taking care of your household. And her's is going to school so that she can learn what she needs to know to grow into a fine, upstanding adult who will make the world a better place.

I think the reason she's doing this is because you give her oh so much attention when she talks like this. You need to stop what you are doing because it isn't working and start over. The night before when she tells you she isn't going to school tell her gently but firmly that you understand how she feels but everyone has a job to do and her's is going to school. Have her pick out clothes, shoes, coat, etc the night before so it'll be easier in the morning.

In the morning when she starts to throw a fit about school again gently tell her that you know how she feels but going to school is her job. Repeat it as many times as needed without getting frustrated. She's waiting for your reaction so don't give her one.

Your depression and anxiety is becoming her anxiety and depression. STOP!!! You are able to fix this situation before it snowballs into bigger issues.

As far as her angel sister being her twin? Just tell her that everyone is sad but you can't change things that have already happened. Her telling you that she's lonely and wants a playmate has nothing to do with this. Again you are reflecting your feelings onto your daughter.

Your daughter sounds pretty normal to me. I don't think it's that she doesn't like school but that she's wondering if she might have more fun at home.

I think you just have to back off (a lot) and be very matter-of-fact. I wouldn't try to motivate her or try to talk her in to wanting to go to school. If she says she doesn't want to go, just say, "Sorry, school is not an option," and then let it go. Don't make a big deal about it. If you don't make a big deal about it, she will realize that saying she doesn't want to go to school isn't going to get her anywhere.

I think you have to be more firm and less drawn into her manipulation. She's normal - and some kids just don't love school for a variety of reasons. But it's not negotiable so your answer has to be "I'm sorry you feel that way. Now get dressed." Then walk away. No more discussion.

When my son balked at getting ready for school for about a week (not because he hated it, just because he didn't want to stop doing what he was doing and because he was learning to express his independence), I told him very calmly and matter-of-factly that he could go in late but that all late arrivals need to check in at the office...so he could sit down with Mrs. X the principal and explain to her why he was late and why he didn't think school was important. I said I was sure she would be very interested in all his reasons. That was the end of his balking and opposition.

I would stop the sleeping-in-your-bed routine. An occasional nightmare or thunderstorm or fever is one thing - every night, refusing to go back to sleep, is not healthy physically or emotionally. She needs sleep, and so do you.

I would consider a family therapist to help you and your daughter deal with anxiety issues, and sort out what's tied to a mild disorder (if anything), and what's just a bad habit or normal elementary school aged defiance. I think the connection with your stillborn (and with older twin siblings) is probably a big problem. An objective person can help you and your husband develop good answers, parenting techniques and boundaries, and also help your daughter deal with what's bothering her.

No negotiations.
She needs to know she IS going to school whether she likes it or not - and she needs to accept the reality of it.
For one thing - it's the law - and truancy officers will come to your door eventually - and you could be fined and get into trouble.
Stop bribing her, wheeling and dealing with her, no rewards.
Stop negotiating - you will accept nothing else but an unconditional surrender.
Get your husband on track with this.
You are the parents - the grown ups - and you collectively as a couple make the tough calls based on your lifetime of experience and best judgement.
Your child needs to BE the child - she doesn't get a choice or a say in it.
You haul her off to school in her pajamas if need be but her behind is going to school 5 days a week from Sept to June (excluding holidays, breaks or illness) until she graduates.

Don't project your issues onto her.
Being in school, socializing and making friends is what's good for her.
You get her to school and then you go see your therapist and work on your issues.
Being a parent is the toughest job you'll ever love and it's not easy.
Understand that YOU have and deserve the power - as the parent - the child doesn't know how to handle that power and it's a mistake - and a burden - to give it to her.
Get your Mommy game on!
Now go forth and conquer!

My first thought was does she have anxiety?

My little one does. We just finished a course at school they do for kids with anxiety. And it really helped. Empowered her so that things that made her nervous - she now has tools to deal with.

If you are anxious or getting depressed about her - she will pick up on it. Anxious kids do.

So you could have her see a child psychologist if you are concerned. You could visit with them separately, and get some tips yourself. We see one for another child of mine. I only needed the one visit to get a handle on what's going on. You talk for about half hour and then they have a really good idea what the problem is. Then they help you with parenting tools. I felt a million times better.

My little one takes a stuffy to school. Her teacher suggested it. It's tiny, and she just keeps it in her back pack, makes all the world of difference.

Good luck :)

My daughter went through a rough patch of anxiety in middle school and for several months we dealt with this.
But, I never argued with her. I remained calm (well, most of the time.) Any time she started with the whole "I don't want to go to school" or "I'm NOT going to school" I just repeated over and over, "yes, you are. school is not a choice. not going to school is breaking the law and I will not let you do that. etc." At one point she said I want you to home school me and I said absolutely not, I am in no way qualified to do that.
Stay calm and don't argue, TELL, you are the adult. Don't project your own problems and worries onto your daughter. If you have anxiety and depression, GET HELP FOR YOURSELF, therapy and/or medication, whatever works. Ask her pediatrician for a referral to a child therapist, or make an appointment with the school counselor or psychologist for your daughter. Maybe she just needs some therapy and coping skills. That's ultimately what helped my daughter.

Make sure that you're not entering into a debate or discussion when she says things like "I'm not going to school tomorrow". Don't coddle, soothe, ask "why not", or say things like "let's talk this over". Simply state a fact. "You're going to school tomorrow. Get a good night's sleep. Mommy and Daddy love you. Good night." Then a quick kiss and leave the room.

Then, it might be helpful if you are also preparing for activity in the morning, when she's getting ready for school. I KNOW this is not the case, but I sometimes think that little kids think that mothers who stay at home are going to watch cartoons, sit and have snacks, etc.
So, what if you started your day by getting ready for a quick brisk walk around the block, or if you stopped into a gym for a little workout, or did some yoga? You could tell your daughter that you've committed to walking 3,000 steps in the morning, or walking to some designated spot and back, or going to a gym by 8:00. You and your daughter will then both have a schedule to prepare for: her for school and you for your workout. Or you can schedule a time when you pay bills, or write in a blog, or volunteer somewhere - just so you're getting ready for a task.

And, I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. Is it possible that you have not fully dealt with such a tragic loss? Is it possible that you are expressing sadness frequently, in a way that makes your daughter a little worried about you? I know that this is not something that someone "gets over", but I do believe there are healthier and less-healthy ways to talk about a family member who is no longer with us. Perhaps you could benefit from some grief counseling, so that you can help reassure your daughter that you, although you will always treasure that baby, are gaining your strength and resilience back? Even if you got counseling right after the loss of the baby, now there's another young child in the family, and so the appropriate words may be different.

Both my girls, but especially my youngest, go through periods of anxiety and for a variety of reasons, not wanting to go to school. What works best for us, is when I just ignore the comments, complaints, and threats of "I'm not going to school tomorrow" or "I don't want to go to school" or "I'm tired, I just want to stay home today" when first waking up and groggy. Much of the time this is just venting. They already know they have to go to school. School is not a choice. They know I don't lie or excuse them for these kinds of antics. It used to play on my anxiety, and I would answer them back with the "oh yes you are!" and all the logic and lecturing just made them more irritated and anxious and they would dig in their heals even more. My guess your DD knows she can push your buttons and her threats of "I'm not going school" gets a significant reaction from you and has become a power struggle. Reward systems, motivational speeches, consider all the attention you are giving this issue. Your daughter responds by amping up and making it the big deal you are making it to be. Start each day, assume she is going to school as expected. Do everything in your power to keep your own emotions in check and your tone even. Don't even sweat it if you're late. Let your daughter experience the consequences at school. I know that's easier with older kids, but I would still do that.

I don't know you or your daughter. But the very lengthy history you give makes me wonder if you are co-dependent. You weren't clear, but it sounds like she only has these issues *with you* and no one else. That means something. And not necessarily something good, like, "she is just attached to her mom." I'd venture to ask if maybe unhealthily attached... You say you suffer from depression and anxiety, and wonder if she might also... but perhaps (and I'm no doctor, and don't know you) she isn't and simply is reacting to YOUR dealing with your own conditions. Learned behavior perhaps even.

I don't have an answer, just my thoughts/observations on what might be the underlying issue. I don't know if you are actively in therapy for your conditions or how you deal with or treat them/yourself. But I would certainly bring these issues up with your therapist if you see one.
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Just read Rosebud's response. Nail on the head. Re-read her response.

Remind your daughter we all do things we don't want to do. Food shopping, cleaning bathrooms, preparing meals, laundry and moping the floor is not my idea of fun. Ask her if she wants to hear you complain about all the things you don't want to do.

Next time she tells you she doesn't want to go to school...chime back with your list of things you don't want to do. She will stop complaining. 😉

I have a six year old girl too. We went down this path during Head Start for almost a year and a half. Her dad would give into her and not make her go to school. It took the teacher and I (also a teacher) that long to really make him get that she needs to go to school everyday. That really helped me making sure that she got to school.

But, my little one has anxiety, phobias, and depression. She has been in counseling for over a year, and is Kindergarten this year. She is doing great, but there are things at school that freak her out and we have to work through them. Like, the book sale, was so exciting, and neat, and overwhelming to know what she could buy, and what she could read and wanted. Her reading ability is not quite up to her 5th grade interests. Or, the jog a thon. She had never been to one, and was so worried, what kind of shoes would she wear, would she run or walk, if she fell on grass it wouldn't hurt as bad, but she would go slower. If she fell on cement it would scrape her knees, but she could go faster. What was the route? where would they go? what if she didn't run enough laps? We went over these questions for about a week before it happened.

I get what you are going through. I really do. I too have depression that I battle daily with meds, weekly therapy, friends, swimming, and believe it or not, work. I cannot stay at home, I have to work for my mental health. She knows this, and knows, that her job, even when she doesn't want to go, is school. Just like mine is school. Daddy gets to stay home because that is his job.

Please seek a pediatric counselor for her. I personally, have not seen much results from the school ones, unless they are contracted from another agency. We go to weekly session for her, and then about once a month, we do a parent session where we get tools to learn and help her. We also recently put her on medication to help with sleep and anxiety. I think there is something more at play here that you need help to figure out. If she is going down the mental path of depression and anxiety, get the tools she needs now instead of later. It IS genetic and circumstantial both.

Updated

I have a six year old girl too. We went down this path during Head Start for almost a year and a half. Her dad would give into her and not make her go to school. It took the teacher and I (also a teacher) that long to really make him get that she needs to go to school everyday. That really helped me making sure that she got to school.

But, my little one has anxiety, phobias, and depression. She has been in counseling for over a year, and is Kindergarten this year. She is doing great, but there are things at school that freak her out and we have to work through them. Like, the book sale, was so exciting, and neat, and overwhelming to know what she could buy, and what she could read and wanted. Her reading ability is not quite up to her 5th grade interests. Or, the jog a thon. She had never been to one, and was so worried, what kind of shoes would she wear, would she run or walk, if she fell on grass it wouldn't hurt as bad, but she would go slower. If she fell on cement it would scrape her knees, but she could go faster. What was the route? where would they go? what if she didn't run enough laps? We went over these questions for about a week before it happened.

I get what you are going through. I really do. I too have depression that I battle daily with meds, weekly therapy, friends, swimming, and believe it or not, work. I cannot stay at home, I have to work for my mental health. She knows this, and knows, that her job, even when she doesn't want to go, is school. Just like mine is school. Daddy gets to stay home because that is his job.

Please seek a pediatric counselor for her. I personally, have not seen much results from the school ones, unless they are contracted from another agency. We go to weekly session for her, and then about once a month, we do a parent session where we get tools to learn and help her. We also recently put her on medication to help with sleep and anxiety. I think there is something more at play here that you need help to figure out. If she is going down the mental path of depression and anxiety, get the tools she needs now instead of later. It IS genetic and circumstantial both.

My son did this for years. Mornings were very difficult until about 5th grade when he started getting more mature. I did not give in to him and would try to stay calm and matter of fact about going to school. But his personality was such that he did not want to give in and like a bull dog did not want to let it go. He would often fake injury or illness. He was popular at school and we ruled out other problems most of the time. I had him see a child psychiatrist to help with his difficult behavior for a couple years and this along with maturity is what made the difference for him. He's very stubborn (like my father in law!) and in 5th grade he told me that he always felt if he gives in then we win and he would rather die than give in. Good lord! He would also put up hour long fights about homework. It was very, very difficult to parent him. He also was a terrible sleeper, and a difficult baby. I don't know the right answers to give you, but I will say that for us just having him get older and more mature along with the good therapists who worked with him on his behavior both are what really helped. This kid has really put me through the ringer. Good luck.

I completely understand. I know its frustrating and hard on you as well. If you have ruled out all of the reasons why she would be feeling like this, bullying, or struggling with school work, etc, etc, then I guess it would be that she just feels it would be more fun to be at home. But in my experience there was always a reason for this. Most times a child will mention it and see how far they can go, but tears is usually a symptom of something going on that she hasn't told you about. Maybe she might be willing to talk to her guidance counselor with you? sometimes the teachers get through to our kids, when we cannot. Goodluck.

I'd be matter of fact. This is her job. She is required to go. It is illegal for her not to be educated. Sounds to me like it's more of a power trip. I tell my DD all the time she has to do what she needs to do before what she wants to do. She needs to go to school before she can play on her iPad/see a friend/etc. I'd give her choices where she can have choices and say, "Nope" when she really shouldn't have a choice. If you ever think she is faking sick to stay home, make it the most boring day ever. Can't play. Can't watch TV. Can't see a friend. She is "sick". But really, I think she's playing you. Send her to school. If she dawdles and she's in her pjs? So what. Off she goes.

What you do is pick her up and put her in the car. You ignore her pleas and simply say that she is required by law to go to school and that's that. Then you ignore her. She knows if she cries and whines and sits down and refuses to go that you will either cave or give her a LOT of attention, whether it's good or bad attention she has it figured out.

I suggest you simply have hubby get her up and take her to school every morning for the rest of the year. That's it. She won't pull this with him because he's a different authority figure. IF IF IF he won't discuss it and listen and give her attention for her behaviors too.

If this was my kiddo I'd pick them up and swat their butt. I'd tell them that school is their job and they have that same job until they're out of high school and to get in the car or get another swat.

But then I don't put up with this sort of behavior. I'm bigger than them and can literally pick them up, put them in their car seat, strap them in with a buckle they can't undo, always have the child proof locks on the doors, then take them to school. Have the teacher or the principle meet you at the curb and they take her out.

I have too many years in child care where I've seen parent after parent feed their child's crying and temper tantrums and screaming fits by giving them attention for it. They stay and hang around trying to "comfort" their child. But in fact what they are doing is teaching that child is they cry they get their way and they wonder why they have tweens that won't mind and thinks they can get mom and dad to cave if they cry. If that doesn't work they know exactly how far they have to push that boundary to get mom or dad to give in to what they want.

So don't give in to her. Simply tell her she has to go to school then stop feeding her temper tantrum and just take her and drop her off. When she's doing something that's really good let her know you appreciate how she's behaving. She'll eventually get the idea that she acts good and gets attention, acts badly and gets no attention.

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Is there anything going on at school with other kids? Does she have friends at school? If not, try to schedlue
a playdate at a local park so she can bond outside of school. She may or may not have your "depression & anxiety"
handed down to her. She may not want to go to school knowing you are at home. She may be having issues with
other kids at school. Ask her trying to get to the bottom of it. Maybe have her see a counselor through your insurance to rule out anxiety.

Updated

Is there anything going on at school with other kids? Does she have friends at school? If not, try to schedlue
a playdate at a local park so she can bond outside of school. She may or may not have your "depression & anxiety"
handed down to her. She may not want to go to school knowing you are at home. She may be having issues with
other kids at school. Ask her trying to get to the bottom of it. Maybe have her see a counselor through your insurance to rule out anxiety.