Sisters Kids

Every child needs a meanie grandma or aunt sometime in their lives. When they are 20 or 30, they will love you dearly.

Hi:

I had the same problem with a cousin. I enlisted one of the older kids (or an adult if you don't have any older kids) to keep the younger ones busy. I set up one room with a small table. I went to the 99cent store and bought a bunch of things for them to do such as coloring books, puzzles, games, etc. I also rented some movies. It didn't solve the problem completely, but keeping them occupied cut down on the amount of time they were able to be disruptive.

Hi R.,

Wow, this is a frustrating situation. Will you see your sister and her kids before Thanksgiving? If you can, revisit the problem with her and the girls BEFORE the day telling them that you love seeing them at your house BUT you have different rules and it’s important that they respect them. Then get specific about what you need to see. Maybe have them come early on Thanksgiving and have the chat then and/or repeat your expectations. I would also ask you sister if you can help her in finding ways to control them. Maybe lots of outdoor exercise before they come over and then set up specific areas in the house they can play quietly and/or watch a movie with minimal supervision. Maybe one of your boys’ rooms or…? And tell the girls directly! You can also use rewards if needed. Tell them if they can do exactly what you need (give them very specific things: no climbing on the couches, coffee table, etc. ) for 1/2 hr. they will get X amount of candy or whatever treat from you. (If they don’t measure up, you can still give them some but not all of it!;-D) Compliment them a lot if you see them doing well during Thanksgiving. Also, agree on a timeout area with your sis and the girls beforehand….if they break your rules they need to sit in the garage, upstairs etc. for X amount of time…..if they act up in timeout they get longer time out there…..and your sis should be the one monitoring this!! Depending on what the girls are like, maybe they need to feel more involved in what’s going on? Sometimes kids get really bored with grown-up visits and giving them something helpful to do….fold laundry, fold napkins, etc. small chores and praise them alot will buy you peaceful time….. in any case, definitely talk with the sis before the day and make it clear what you need and that you really want to help out.

Good Luck! J.

Just to sort of give a perspective from the other side--
I have a nearly 3-year old who's quite active and extremely curious in a new/different place. At home we have very clear boundaries about what's okay and what isn't (we climb the furniture and toss cushions about, but we don't run, don't throw things downstairs, etc). Admittedly, these boudaries are looser than some, but he's not an ill-behaved kid, and I'm not a total lax and discipline-free mom.

But I feel that way every time we visit his Great-Grandmother. He wants to look in cupboards or play with her walker, and she and her roommate freak out and tell him "no" all the time. This only makes him angry and the whole visit goes downhill.

Granted, your situtation seems more extreme (my boy's not leaping off of furniture, just trying to pull flowers out of centerpieces, or opening doors), but it seems like there could be some level of compromise in which you have some peace for your dinner without having to exhaust yourself disciplining kids that aren't used to the house rules.

So, here's my advice--

1. Talk to your kids about being patient and setting a good example. Peer pressure can be a powerful tool for good (I use this to manage classrooms all the time).
2. Get everything fragile you really truly care about up and out of the path of these kids. It's silly to lose an heirloom just to make a point.
3. If at all possible, have a place away from the main party where the kids can be rambunctious without being dangerous...maybe one of your kids' rooms, a family room or the garage.
4. Yeah, of course, if they're out of line, let them know. But try to be mindful of the environment they come from--and that it's not right or wrong, but different. But if they give you attitude about it--that's the time to step up with the "mean aunt" routine.

I am the same way you are. I don't like it when my friend's children get into my things, or when they climb all over the furniture. It makes me really nervous.

One way that I deal with it is that I talked to my friend and told her how nervous I was. I basically put it all on me so that she didn't feel like I was attacking her of her boys. I told her that I was scared that they will get hurt, and how I would feel terrible if they were to get injured at my house.

It seemed to work really well, and she was more attentive to their actions. Then to deal with the over-abundance of energy, I bought Dance Dance Revolution for our x-box(it is also available for the playstation 2). It's a video game that allows them to follow arrows that roll up the screen by stepping on coordinating arrows on the dance-mat that acts as the controller. I bought it on ebay for less that $20.00. I pull it out every time they visit. My daughter loves it too. (It also has a work-out mode that has become my source of aerobic excersise. I love that thing! It really is a lot of fun, and it's the one video game that is actually GOOD for you.)

Sorry, I know I got off on a tangent, but it works really well for me, and my furniture thanks it every time I have little energenic visitors. Hope that helps.

I have friends with children like that. I don't allow them to behave that way in my house. I tell the kids to get down and to stop and I am pretty firm about it. I have it to the point that I can just look at these kids in their own houses and they will stop. It is your house, your rules. Plus these are your nephews/nieces. You should be ablt to discipline them in your house. IF god forbid something happened to your sister, you could end up with them in your charge. So they need to know that you are an authority figure and that you have expectations of them even if their mother doesn't.

R., I too am one of those people that has a daughter that has been raised well. And I expect the same from others children, especially if they are in MY home. So the second you see behavior that is not acceptable take control immediately. Tell the kids that this is your house and that behavior isnot acceptable and if they can't respect that they may sit on the couch ONLY. I personally don't care if I'm the mean auntie. You'll be doing them a favor since their mom (& dad?) can't parent properly. You could even call your sister before hand and just say something to the effect that it might be good if you tell the kids that when they come over they will not be allowed to climb on furniture, scream etc. and that you will be stepping in if necessary.

I think that sitting down with everyone ahead of time might be considered somewhat confrontational and may set your sister off into a snit from the beginning. What I do is whenever someone breaks a rule, I address them with "That's not allowed at my house." If they fuss or try it again, I ban them from the room or say that if you can't follow the rules, you need to come sit with your mom. That works for my kids, my kids' friends, and assorted relative's kids. I just say it in a matter-of-fact way and while the kids may look at me like I'm mean, tough crumbs. If it makes the parent mad, maybe they'll see to their kids or stay home!

yes your sister may raise her kids different than you raised yours and it is "your house" set boundries/rules and let your sister and her kids know what they are. sometimes u have to be a little mean to get the point across.But its better than having your house destroyed.and if your sister doesnt like the rules say well thats the way that it has to be in my house sorry. hope this works.

Hi R.- You've been given a lot of great advice. I agree with what has been said about sitting down when they first arrive and laying down the rules. I don't know the ages of the children, but make sure that there arent so many rules that they can't remeber them all. Tell them that the most important rule is that they LISTEN. You can give them one warning and then its off to time out. (Make sure time out really stinks) Follow through! Be right on top of it. The first rule they break is a blessing because they will see that your serious and once they experience time out, they are much more likely to comply. Before they arrive, get together some things that you think they will really enjoy and that will hold their attention. (Do you have a back yard?) Maybe a really cool Christmas movie or two (or ask your sister what their fav movies are), some coloring books and crayons, or some kind of neat little project that they can do (that someone else can help them with). Remeber that when you see them following rules and playing nice, be RIGHT on top of it. Get really excited, go over to them and tell them that your soooo happy to see them playing well and following the rules. Maybe you can even tell them that if they do well following the rules, you have a special little surprise for them at the end of the evening. (don't expect perfection, but if you are able to gently remind them and they respond well, that is probally still progress) Maybe they get an extra piece of pie or something. Keep in mind that these are not little demon children and that children learn what they live. Behaviors are learned and your sister is responsible. It can be easy to get frustrated with children when they are acting out but they wernt born that way. Do NOT worry about being the "mean" aunt. You don't have to be mean to discipline, and I think that the reason most children who arent disciplined, arent, is because their parents are worried about being "mean". Thats selfish and ONLY hurts the child. They WILL respect you and it is sooo true that children seek out those boundaries and feel safe when they find them. I hope some of these suggestions help. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

I would have to agree with Katie. It's your house. Period. Your sister can let her kids follow her "rules" at their house, but your rules go at your house. To be fair and as non- confrontational as possible, I agree that it would be good to set the ground rules just as soon as everyone gets there...including your kids even if they know the rules. If your sister gets mad or says anything to the contrary, try to use humor to diffuse the situation if you can. But be firm. Remember, it's your home and you have the right to expect people to behave appropriately.

I know what you mean. I have a brother and his kids are the same way. I just make sure that they know the rules at my house. They may think that Im rude or whatever but I let them know that I dont want them to get hurt and that I dont want things broken either. Just tell them that you dont want them to get hurt and that at your house there are somethings that they cannot do. Tell them that if they cannot stick to your rules then they have only one area to play in, and make sure that that area is safe and that they cannot get on top of anything or break anything! Ive done this with my own 3 year old. She used to jump on the couch, climb on the chairs that have wheels, everything... and I just told her what would happen if something broke or if she fell or got hurt and now she is good about minding the rules and staying off furniture. Good luck! I hope that everything works out well...

Ronny, I have had the pleasure of having a friend who is exactly the same as your sister. They are oblivious to what their children are doing while they just sit and talk with others. I give this advice: speak to your sister before the holiday gets here. Tell her that you want the day to go smoothly and want everyone to get a long and have a wonderful day together but in order to do this, you need her to be extra mindful of what is going on with her children. Let her know that you respect her parenting skills but that perhaps her children are a bit more spirited than most and you would really appreciate it if she would keep an eye on them. If you find that the boys are still acting like demons, have them "park it" where they stand and give them the speach about respecting others. If your sister can't control her children then it's going to be up to you so save the day. I'm sure that everyone agrees with your thoughts on her children and her lack of responsibility. It's your duty to make sure your other guests are comfortable and not being kicked in the head as they sit and enjoy the day. I would be the mean sister if I had to, so if you're up to it, then make this year a learning experience for the unruly kids.

To deal with this without confrontation, I would just put everything away I didn't want broken. Direct the kids to a certain area where they could play and keep an eye on them. In my experience kids set there limits with each individual adult. If your sister isn't respecting your rules or your home then it is your job to make sure her kids do. Otherwise I just see you dealing with even worse situations in the future. You can let them know that it is not ok for them to do certain things without being mean. You are protecting them and your home. Gook Luck.

R.,
My beast friend (also my honey's cousin) has a 3 year old and he does the same thing. He does it at home and at my house and no matter who tell him no at home he still does it. So last week when they came over for dinner I had had enough....I told him (in a nice "listen to aunti" voice) "you have to sit on the couch nicely or aunti will not let you get on the furniture any more". They have only been over 2 times scence then but first thing he does is sits next to the couch and asks if he is good if he can sit next to "uncle Scottie"(my honey). You just have to aproch the situation in your own way and hope it all goes well.

hi, I know what it's like to have bratty kids visit the house! When they get there, tell the kids, in front of your sister, that you have rules about running, screaming, etc. in your home. Tell them that if the rules are broken, there will be a time out of 5 minutes in the corner, or something to that effect. I do this when I'm at school subbing or when I have kids come visit. If you'd feel more comfortable talking to your sister about it ahead of time, I'd recomend that you do that, but stand firm on the rules of your house. She may get a little upset with you, but she may start picking up clues on how a home should be run. :D

I know you don't want to be the "mean" aunt but this is your house and they will be guests. They need to follow your rules when they are there. Talk to your sister tell her that those are the rules in your house and you expect them to be followed. I am sure other family members have rules at their houses right? You are hosting a family get together and the last thing you should have to worry about is your house being destroyed. Your sister should respect that...

I suggest you sit down with your sister, her kids and your kids shortly after they arrive (or after the first rule is broken) and say something like, "I'm so glad you were able to come over for Thanksgiving. Now let's go over the rules of this house that I expect each of you to follow and if you can't follow them, then you'll need to take a time out." and then lay out the rules. That way it doesn't seem like you're picking on your sister's kids by also including your own. And then your sister knows exactly what you expect of her and her kids. Then I would follow it up with your sister with something like, "Sis, do you think you can help me inforce these rules so everyone has a good time and no one gets hurt?" I would also designate an area/room as the "time out" place (if you don't already have one)so that EVERYONE is the same page.

I hope it goes well and that you have a safe and happy holiday.

Being a mother of extremely active children (girl 5-boy 3) sometimes it's eastier to pick your battles with these little ones. I often am like your sister and have my children climbing where they shouldn't be. It isn't that I don't know better but in order to keep things semi peaceful I just try to make sure they don't get hurt or break anything. I could also become bitchy and start yelling at them but then the visit would be ruined. I completely understand your point, but from my point these kids have an energy that I cannot control. I am hoping they will outgrow this soon. Does this help?

You have every right (and obligation) to advise your young guests about the rules of your house. Your sister's rules "Yes" rules don't apply at your house, although her "No" rules should (no candy, no backtalk..whatever).

It may help if you provide a means for them to positively channel all of this energy. If you have the means to provide a game, arts and craft activities, or some good 'ole running around in the back yard or at a park, with adult supervision, perhaps you'll have a happier family event. Enlist your 10 year-old and partner, if you have one, to help keep the house "sane" and these wild kids engaged in positive activities. If you can, ask your sister to bring along some of their favorite activities when they come to visit.

Don't wait for your sister to intervene, but do ask her to help you keep the rules at "Aunt R.'s house".

You can never be the mean aunt and if this was me I'd just let you disapline my kids because you are family. put fear in them like you do with there's and let them know this is not there house so there is differant rules here. they will listen. they might not like you but what kids likes there family?!?! spoiled ones! that the ones. you have to put your foot down. and who knows you might rub off on your sister because I'm sure she's feeling a little at the witts end with them but does not knwo how to get to them. If you show fear the min they walk in the door. I'm not tlaking about yelling but fear the way you get you'rs to listen then trust me it will work. and if your sister says something just tell her , "Look this is my house and I have differnt rules here and I want to make it clear before it gets out of hand."