Sister Rushing to Get Married Despite Big Relationship Problems

I guess you could ask her if she really wants her baby to have a Dad with anger issues and then you need to let her make her own decisions.

The more you try to talk to her about it, the further you will push her into his arms.

Be her sister. Be her friend. If and when she decides it's over, she'll need your shoulder to cry on.

It's her decision and sometimes we make bad ones. I was with a guy for years that my family cringed over, and it showed how little I thought of myself at the time. I had to learn the hard way. Thankfully they supported me the whole time, but no one supported him - if that makes sense. I knew no one approved of him - they didn't say so, but they didn't need to.

They didn't listen if I went on and on about him like he was great, because he wasn't. They would sort of change the topic. The thing was, they thought I deserved better and they weren't going to pretend that he was everything I thought he was.

I was told "We support you always, but we think you deserve better - you deserve to be cherished by someone who loves you as much as we do".

I didn't snap or cut them out of my lives. And I did leave him about a year later. We had been planning on getting engaged. It took that long for it all to sink in, and I think if they had just kept quiet or just faked their support, it might have taken longer. But it was my decision.

I am glad they showed they loved and supported me. It was ok they didn't love or like him :) I was going to do what I wanted anyhow. But I respected them for being honest. I just didn't really listen. But it got me thinking - about what I deserved. Planted the seed ..

I think it would all be in the way you handle it. No, I don't think it will change anything if that's what she wants to do - but you don't have to pretend you're super happy about it either. You obviously think your sister deserves better. If you can get that message across (with respect and love) then that's all you need to say. Depending on your relationship with your sister of course. If she isn't going to listen, won't care, will resent you ... then maybe I wouldn't. I have an open and honest relationship with my family for the most part, so it was appropriate for us and I didn't hold it against them.

Good luck :)

This is your sister's life no matter how much you see the red flags flying around her. She is not going to listen any of you and your advice.

The only thing I can suggest is to be there with crying towels and a shoulder to lean on when she wakes up. No matter how much you all talk with her, she is going to do what she wants.

Say a few prayers for her.

the other S.

PS Just have a few crying towels available when she wakes up. This is her life not yours or your parents or your brother's. Sorry you have to go through all this with sister.

Should you "intervene"?
Sounds like you already did by calmly telling her your concerns.

So....all you can do now is support her.
If her biological clock is ticking, she's old enough to make her own decisions.
Friends close, enemies closer, you know.

Sadly, you've told her how you feel, and she has ignored you. At this point, you're the only one telling her this because the rest of the family is afraid to incur her anger. (So she has anger issues, maybe not as severe as the fiancé's).

Continuing to oppose her will put a wall between you that will make it impossible for her to come to you if things do fall apart. So you have to let her know you love and support HER whether or not you support her choices.

She's obviously at a risk of disease if he is cheating, and she wants to bring a child (or children) into the world with this man. If he disappoints her in any way, it's not going to help her to hold back for fear of you saying, "I told you so." The hardest thing for women who get involved with angry cheaters is that they already feel desperate or unloved, and then they add family rejection on top of that when things go south.

If his anger is such that he is violent, then you can insist that your own children (if you have them) not be in the room with him, and certainly don't let this couple babysit your kids.

Otherwise, put a smile on your face (even if you are less than effusive), and go to the wedding. You can hold back from doing extravagant pre-wedding preparations and making toasts about how wonderful they are as a couple, and you can just say "I wish you great happiness." You probably should be careful about ponying up any money in case his cheating or anger get worse as a wedding date approaches. If he bails out, you don't want to be stuck losing a bunch of deposits. She should do the wedding she can afford.

Bottom line, you have to say, "Is this worth losing my sister over?" Whatever her fears and weaknesses, she's not a kid and these can't be entirely revolutionary issues to you. It's more important that you be her trusted friend than that you be right about her failures.

She is an adult and she needs to make her own choices. Plus, you don't see the daily parts of their lives. Take my relationship for example, many people would look at our past, at his affairs and my depressions as signs that he was toxic or that our relationship was bad for me. But, they don't see the daily love, the way we have reconnected after recovering from those affairs, or the fact that my mind may work differently then some and that I don't see those affairs as some comment directly about me. You can have your reservations but you are, at this point, just pushing her further away. And if you push her away and she does end up in a situation where she is being abused or controlled who will she have to turn to? Not you because she will be afraid of a big fat "I told you so". Let her live her life, support her, and be there for her if she needs a bail out later.

Telling her your reservations is all you can do. Anything more and she will resent you. In ten years when he's her ex husband you can both laugh about what an a-hole he was.

is she asking for your advice?
if not, you're whistling in the wind.
my niece accused me of being negative and unsupportive when i questioned her desire to fling herself headlong into a marriage with a boy she barely knew. after all, her own (insane) mother was all for it, and who knew her better than her own mother, and why couldn't i just be happy for her?
it gives me zero satisfaction to be right. but i could have saved myself a lot of angry accusations and angst by keeping my opinions to myself to start with.
it is always okay to share your (judicious and carefully edited) opinion with a loved one IF they solicit it. if they don't, you're only going to create resentment. even if you're right.
khairete
S.

She is an adult.
You have told her your reservations and she has chosen to disregard them.
Short of barring her fella from your home, there's nothing else you can do.

So sorry for what you're going through. That's tough. It sounds like you've already expressed your concerns. If you feel like you need to say more, I'd keep it to how you FEEL vs what you think she should do. No one can argue with your feelings and it's much less threatening/ judgemental to hear: "I feel worried about you and your future" vs. "I think you're making a mistake!" Make sure she knows that no matter what you feel or what decisions she makes, you are in her corner. You don't want her to hesitate to talk with you if she does start to have second thoughts or if things go downhill after the marriage. Let her know first and foremost, you'll be there whatever the future holds.

All you can do is sit down with her and tell her. "I love you, but I have a lot of concerns." Then list them. If she snaps, that is her problem.. I have a sister just like this. She has gotten worse as she has gotten older. No one can tell her anything.

You cannot force and adult to do anything, but you can be honest.

Now in my family, I have some pretty intimidating Cousins and Uncles. They have been known to have a talk with these fiances and let them know what will happen if they do not respect the family member they are about to marry. And they will keep their promises. Usually these real loser guys will call off the relationship and disappear..

To be honest she sounds depressed. She needs to go for a full physical.

I would guess even if you tell her not to do it and why you think so that she will go ahead and do it anyway. I really don't think there is much you can do. You know, it's her life and she has to make her own mistakes no matter how painful it is to watch! I feel for her because we all know how strong that biological clock is. Always let her know you are on her side no matter what. I guess my advice is that getting a divorce is not the end of the world. Perhaps she should make sure she always has a good job and her own savings just in case.

Not much you can do BUT because she wants a baby, I would discuss things with her one more time, calmly. I wonder if she has reservations at all. A baby will bind them for 18+ years even if they divorce. This is keeping a friend of mine in an unhappy marriage. She is miserable but does not want to have to share custody if she gets divorced. Not a great life but in the end, to each their own.