Single Mom Needs Help

If she wants a BF to receive gifts, then she's not ready for one. I would brainstorm with her about what to do when that happens (she will not always have an SO for holidays) and what she could do for others so she's not so focused on herself. I bet you $100 she is not the "only one" without a boyfriend. I would sympathize with her, but not give into the BF thing if that is her line of thinking.

I don't think the decision to be allowed to date should be based on a number of years... It should be based on the maturity of the person. The 'traditional' age is 16, but every child (teen) is different.

Also, just because she has a boyfriend doesn't mean she will be having sex with him. I have had several boyfriends in my life, and the only man I ever slept with is my husband. I had always been taught that sex is a very special thing to share with someone; and that if a guy was not willing to wait until *I* was ready, then he was not the kind of guy worth giving up my virginity to. A boy who truly loves you will have enough respect to wait. I'm not a stickler for waiting until marriage, but I do think there needs to be a true relationship, based on mutual respect and love.

From what it sounds like, she is nowhere NEAR mature enough to be dating if her reason is to get gifts on holidays... If THAT is her current though process, she would be very easy to pressure into sex. So, no boyfriend.

If you want a compromise, maybe you can allow her to participate in chaperoned group dates. You can take her, a couple friends, and their respective "dates" to a movie, and sit in the row behind them. They can go to dinner, but you will be sitting at a nearby table. You will have to set up and enforce rules- no boy/girl combos are allowed to head to the restroom at the same time, what physical contact will be allowed, etc.

I have always felt that flat-out refusing thing like this with teenagers usually has the opposite effect, and the teen will rebel and just do things behind your back anyway... So slightly bending your stance will show her that you DO trust her, but she doesn't get free reign. Hopefully. It's hard to say without knowing more about the dynamics of her personality, or your relationship with her,

It's not a matter about trusting her to handle herself, it's about her being mature enough to make appropriate decisions while her mind and body are being barraged with hormones.

Teen:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

So you are saying at 14 you didn't have "boys on the brain"??? REALLY!? I know I did!!!

14 is a number sometimes.
Is she mature?
Does she express the right morals and values?
What is HER idea of a BOYFRIEND?

What's sad is she is looking for material things from a boyfriend - getting gifts on "holiday's". sorry - but Valentine's day is NOT a HOLIDAY - at least not in my book!

She says she's NOT ready for sex. Okay. What will she do when her boyfriend PUSHES her for sex? What if he uses "presents" as his way to get his way? It's good that you are communicating with your daughter. DO NOT shut her down. LISTEN to her. Ask her what she wants out of this and WHY.

I would venture to guess that her idea of boyfriend and YOUR idea are NOT the same. Set ground rules....

I would have a VERY SERIOUS talk with my daughter about her desires and tell her that just because "EVERYONE ELSE" is doing it or getting gifts - doesn't mean SHE HAS to. She does NOT need to be like everyone else. And there are many times when it's BETTER to NOT be like everyone else.

If she thinks she can handle herself? Get her into martial arts classes so she can DEFEND herself. Remind her not to take drinks - even non-alcoholic drinks - from people - especially at a "party".

Keep the lines of communication open!

She wants a boyfriend so she gets presents?

Do not trust her. She cannot "handle herself." She needs therapy, a church to go to, and a strong adult male role model who can show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman (pastor? Uncle? Grandad?)

Dating for gifts, interesting. Does she get that is what she is doing? That is not real. I am so glad my girls don't put me through this stuff because they see what others do for stupid reasons as stupid.

If my younger daughter came to me with that logic, or lack there of, I would say so gifts are worth dating a boy. Are they worth hugging? A kiss? and keep on this reductio ad absurdum until I got my point across. Dating for gifts is as stupid as sleeping for gifts. It is a slippery slope and one that a 14 year old is too young to sort through.

I had a oyfriend at age 13 but it was very innocent. I think all we ever did was hold hands and write notes to each other in class about what TV shows we liked, things we liked to do in our spare time and just silly stuff like that. I called him a boyfriend but he was really just a friend that happened to be a boy if you know what I mean. Now, when I was 16, I had a boyfriend again and I was in love. Totally different feeling and state of mind. I was not only enamored with this boy but also very attracted to him physically. He ended up being my first true love and at age 17 1/2, I did choose to have sex for the first time with him. He was not experienced either so it was sweet, loving, and I don't regret my choice at all. Although I did not end up marrying this guy, I did feel loved and cared for when I was with him and I consider myself lucky to have had that experience rather than some of the madness and horror stories I had heard from friends. At age 13, 14, and even 15, I could not conceive of me having a boyfriend that involved sex or a huge physical affair. But...that was me. I do think that 13 and 14 is too young for the true boyfriend/ girlfriend status. I have four daughters and two of them have boyfriend and two don't. The magic age of the boyfriend in our house seems to be 15. That is when the idea of a boyfriend started coming up and thats also when my girls were getting asked to Homecoming dance and all that stuff. I have made it my business as a good mom to remain close to my girls and support them in every way that I can. That includes keeping them well-informed on how to be safe, stay healthy, respect their body and also someone else's, and to understand the emotional and physical complications of a relationship with a boy at many levels. I don't hide my feelings or thoughts and I draw off of what I felt like when I was their age and I build on that by arming them with knowledge, information, and respect. I want my girls listening to me about this subject....not their friends.

I can't really say what is right and wrong for your daughter and her decisions. You know her best. I think peer pressure is a very strong thing and if she is feeling that she wants to have a boyfriend because she wants to get gifts or because everyone else has one, that is not a good reason. In fact, it is stringing along a boy for reasons that are superficial and also materialistic. We don't date someone because we want gifts or luxuries given to us unless you are raising a mini gold-digger. Imagine being the boys mother and finding out that your son is in tears and very hurt because so and so said she liked him but only because he was buying her gifts! OMG...you would flip! I think your daughter is seeking attention and a security more than she is seeking a boyfriend right now. She feels left out or is envious of the girls who get holiday gifts from boys. This, in my mind means that she is not ready for a boyfriend at all and does not have an interest in a true relationship with a boy either. I would call attention to that and let her know that her thinking is "off" and that she would be best served to rely on herself right now and work on being the best person she can be. Study hard, be a role model, stay fit and healthy, and help others aspire to be the best they can be. Soon, when she a few years older, boys will see all this and sincerely be attracted to her because of the young woman she has become. A well-rounded and strong young lady. Now that is attractive! Talk to your daughter sincerely and ask her if she really in in love with a boy or just wants to be part of the crowd. Her answers will help you make the next move.

My daughter had a boyfriend at that age. Their "dates" consisted mostly of him coming over to our house and the two of them playing video games.

Boys give gifts for *something* in return. Maybe her father should talk to her about what 14 yr old boys think about. Talk to her about peer pressure.

Your mind is on the right track that she is too young, you just need to sit down with her and explain why you feel this way. This is good conversation for both of you so maybe both of you can write down pros and cons about dating and talk it out. But bottom line is that you feel she is too young!!

Here's what I think. She's 14. Not old enough to go out with a boy on her own. She's 14 and she does need to learn how to interact with boys in a safe protected environment.

At the LDS church kids have to be a certain age to join in the youth activities. Even though they can do the actual youth activities they cannot attend the monthly dances until they are 14 (I think it's 14).

They must dress in church dress clothes, that means clothed in a manner that is respectful of their bodies and of each other. They do not wear sleeveless short dresses or tank tops and shorts. They dress like they are at church so they can remember this is a church activity.

They can come together, do some mild flirting...(not out of hand in any way), they are highly supervised, do not leave the main room except for restroom trips, they do not go anywhere they can't be supervised.

Even on the dance floor they are not allowed to even dance where they're touching anything but their hands. They have to leave about 6-8 inches between their stomachs/chests/legs etc....they are taught that touching in a closer manner is not allowed, they are taught their body's are a special thing and that they must act towards others with a high level of respect.

SO they learn to interact and have fun in a very restricted environment at the dances.

I'd like to suggest you think about some ways to foster this in your daughter. Teaching her how to handle herself is not a bad thing. Helping her to be confident and able to say no and mean it, to take actions if the need arises, to know what she does and does not want to happen, those are things she can learn by having special time with friends of the opposite gender or same gender if that child has that need.

At 14. IF IF IF the boy and girl were close I'd allow hand holding while watching TV. I might allow a kiss on the cheek if they are special to each other. I'd allow them to spend time together at MY house when I was home and only in the main rooms of the house. I'd allow them to do things at HIS home if I knew for a fact that his parents felt the same was I did about what was or was not allowed to go on. You don't want them to go to his house and be totally unsupervised or allowed to go hang out in the game room in the basement with no adults around at all. That's how my BFF got pregnant at 14. They had a poop table in the basement with a juke box and numerous other things to do. It was "the" teen hangout for just about the whole town. Her parents wouldn't ever come down the stairs, they'd just holler down that dinner was ready or to come upstairs. She said she always had time to get her clothes straightened up and presentable.

So, at 14 I'd allow supervised time together but there is no way I'd let them go by themselves to a movie, to the mall to hang out, to a friends house to hang out, no, not going to happen. They don't know all the cause and effect that an older person is going to know. They can't make decisions about sex, oral sex, and anything else that could be presented to them by a "boyfriend" so there's no way they'd be by themselves with anyone like that.

Once they turn 16 it's not a magic number where they're supposed to know how to do this, they need safe practice.

So think about it mom. Consider allowing her to have opposite gender friends over for movie time, game night, all sorts of things.

she's too young-22 is a better age

Some good advice below. Yeah, it's all rainbows and sunshine from the outside of teen relationships but that first break up is very painful. And there will be a break up.
She needs a very frank conversation about pressure from boys. Also a frank one about what kind of boy to date. What kind of friends he hangs around. What interests he has outside of HS. If all his interests are about girls, there is a red flag.

Lots of good advice so I won't repeat it but I will tell you my experience with my 14 year old daughter and as a single mother. She's had several "boyfriends" over the last couple years that consisted mostly of texting. Her last boyfriend she actually saw a few times over the summer. Twice he visited her here at home, once she went to a big family party at his house, and the other time she went to the movies with a group of friends that included her boyfriend. She recently broke up with him.

I would not forbid it since she might do it anyway. I know I did when I was a teenager and I suspect my daughter would too. We do discuss everything including her feelings about the boy, sex, relationships in general, the effects of a having a boyfriend on her friendships, grades, sleep (night-time texting), self-respect, reputation, etc. Please make sure the lines of communication are open so you know what she's feeling and thinking and can help her make good and healthy decisions.

I'm surprised that you didn't tell her that gifts aren't the reason a girl has a boyfriend. You need to teach her that she has to be self-sufficient and work hard on her studies so that she can get a good job and not rely on a man to buy her things.

Talk to her about WHY two people are together. It might mean that you have to talk to her about why you are a single mother. What went wrong. Be careful how you talk to her. Make sure you tell her that there are good men out there who are respectful of women, but it isn't until they are older that they figure that out. A young teen boy is going to know NOTHING about respect.

You need to show her pictures of sexually transmitted diseases, discuss pregnancy and how that will cause a boy to RUN away from her.

Perhaps you weren't thinking of boys at her age, but she is and you have to go by that. You need to educate her. Since you ask, I highly recommend that you tell her that she may GROUP date at 15 and single date at 16.

I know that she thinks that she can handle herself, but sometimes grown women can't handle situations with dating. She just doesn't know that yet...