Single Mom Dating

Break it off??? Why would you do that, ya know how hard it is to meet good guys that you actually want to date..You need to lay down the law somehow. You run her, not her run you..Good luck.

This is a very hard age for your daughter...your dating changes her role in your life and she may not be ready for that change. You might consider having your alone time when your daughter isn't around. For example, when she is visiting other relatives or maybe at a friends house. I don't know your situation...are you divorced? if yes, is the dad involved? or are you widowed? Answers to those questions would be pretty important in decifering the feelings your daughter might be having. The biggest thing to remember is to have a huge amount of discretion, no matter what the reason you are single is. Everything you do will be closely monitored by your daughter and will affect the decisions she makes to be pure until marraige. We only have a short period of time to raise our kids...once they are adults we have the rest of our life to meet our personal needs. Whomever you are seeing ought to understand if they are in a similar position. You shouldn't feel guilty about doing things the way that is best for your daughter as she is your number one priority as a single mom. Remember also that your daughter is likely hitting puberty which is a difficult time for girls to adjust to new situations. She just may not be ready to share you, which isn't an entirely bad thing for you or for her. Maybe you could get involved in a church group where you could find friendships as opposed to dating. You may also want to seek counseling to help you and your daughter through the transitions that dating bring into the picture. Just some idea's...

Hi, C.. This is actually pretty much expected behavior from a child your daughter's age, but it is something you have to get her to stop.

She probably has some anxieties, fears, that this new relationship will turn out badly, since you've had to end other relationships before, and she may be trying to stop it before it gets more painful for her. Better to cut it off than to have to say goodbye later, when she's become attached to the man.

She's also probably jealous because normallly it's just you and her together; she wants to make sure this gentleman doesn't get in between you and her.

Also, she's probably curious about what's going on and wants to be a part of the action. She probably doesn't understand that this "action" might involve snuggling and making out, which isn't done in front of kids, and so she's just trying to make sure she doesn't miss out on whatever fun you are having.

And if she DOES understand about the birds and the bees, kissing and making out, she might want to either see how it works because she's curious, or make it stop because of jealousy or fear that something bad will happen. She may be trying to chaperone you!

I would be patient with her, try to find out what she's afraid of -- if she can't sleep, she's probably lying awake worried or scared -- and reassure her that nothing bad will happen, she will never be replaced by anyone, ever.

This is also a good time to build a little healthy independence and separation between you. She's on the brink of her teen years, when she's not going to want much to do with you, so you do need to cherish relating with her while it's still possible, but at the same time, she needs to know that you have a life of your own as a person, and she does, too. You both need personal space, and she needs to respect yours. Maybe if she starts a diary with a lock and key, that will give her a sense of personal space, and she will give a little bit and let you have some personal space on your date.

You might just have to get a babysitter and go out to a movie or something if she's not ready for more personal space. In fact, that might be a good first step, to take personal space that she is simply unable to intrude upon.

This is a phase that takes a lot of patience and learning for both of you. Try not to take any of it too personally, and don't give up on relationships just because there are a few wrinkles.

Peace,
Syl

I haven't read all your responses, but from the couple I have read, I'll assume that my advice is going to go a bit against the grain. :)

Stop dating. Yep. Your first and foremost responsibility is to the child that you brought into the world. Dating is something people without responsibilities get to do. When your daughter is grown and off at college, you'll have time for such things...but for the next 7 years, your responsibility it to successfully get her through the hardest years of her childhood, adolescence/teenager years.

It's likely an unpopular response and lots of people will drone on and on about how important your happiness is....but the bottom line is that your real obligation is not to your own happiness, but to your child. Putting your own happiness first, when this is obviously significantly upsetting your child, is selfish. Your daughter likely didn't ask that her family only consist of you and she, she also didn't likely ask that you start dating and try to change her family again.

Your happiness will come from knowing you did all that you could to keep your daughter's life stable, despite less than perfect circumstances. Your happiness will come from knowing you are a great mom who can make small sacrifices when your daughter needs you. Your happiness will come from knowing that when the time is finally right for you to focus on yourself, you won't have stolen time away from your daughter and you will have waited until she was emotionally mature enough to accept you having a relationship with a new man.

Let her be a child without these extra stresses and put off your own social life until she is grown. Waiting a few more years won't matter much in the scheme of things in your life...but will make all the difference in the world to your daughter and the rest of her life.

Dear C.:

Your daughter is making sure that your time will not be taken away from her to another person. She has to be reassured that your love will not change and that mommy gets lonely and also needs friendship. She is in fear of losing her best friend.

The best way to resolve this issue is allowing her to become friends with this person outside of your relationship with him. This of course needs your detective observations that he is safe without any doubt.

He cannot try to take the place of Daddy or this will hurt the situation. He need to come down to her level and find out through you what is her likes and dislikes. Music, movies, artists, foods, sports, etc. He needs to make a date with her, without you, to share his time with her. This time shared must be sincere and if not she will know.

The first date he makes with her she may refuse. If this happens then you must all 3 go out together to a movie or some type of entertainment that will allow you to step away from the circumstances for at least an hour. This will be the starting point of her trusting him alone without you.

While alone it is important that he tells her how much he cares about you but he cannot say he loves you. He only wants to be fiend’s with both of you and share his children.

Get creative and it will work..

Good Luck

S. L.

Don't break it off because your CHILD - yes I said CHILD because that's what she is.

First have a talk with her. Ask her why she doesn't appear to like him or doesn't want you dating.

It might help to go to a family counselor - to have an objective person listening.

But if you feel this man has potential don't give it up - let him know what you are doing to make it work.

Hang in there girlfriend!

A.

C.~ Seems like your daughter is really struggling with the idea of you dating. I would try having alone time "dates" outside the home, maybe while she is in school, have lunch dates and occasionally go out and leave her in a fun environment. If you put her to bed and try to have alone time with him, that just leaves her imagination time to wander and she may feel very uncomfortable. She is clinging to you, for understandable reason. Maybe bringing a man in the home only when marriage is in the picture will protect her from this tug of war she seems to be playing with her emotions. Just my two cents worth... Good luck~

When I was 6 my father passed away- and when my mom started dating a couple of years later I was OK with it.
Then... when I was 11-13..things changed. My mother didn't date that often, but when she did I remember feeling very jealous- not wanting to share my mom with anyone. I also felt very anxious when she was out on a date because I was afraid they might have an accident- or something would happen to her. There are all kinds of reasons a child will feel anxious and uneasy. I think your best bet is to have a heart to heart with your daughter and try to find out what's bothering her- then seek counseling if you need it.

I dont think you should stop dating. Avoiding how she feels will not help her learn to deal with emotions and does not make you a better mother. You dont say if you are divorced or your husband is deceased, but obviously she is afraid of either the man, directly, or what she believes his presence will take away from her. Do you normally spend time with her in her room each night and when he stays you just send her off to bed? Keep your routine exactly the same so her life isn't altered by his presence. If she is still jealous, talk it out with her. Have some faith in her, maybe she is just confused and needs you to reinforce that you are her Mom and not leaving her out. If you do that, then she clearly needs to be told that you are an adult and adults are not only entitled to, but NEED companionship. Being a happier individual only makes you a better Mom. Good luck

I am currently in a serious relationship leading to marriage and I have a 9 yr old daughter who is very attached to me. When my boyfriend and I began dating all was great, she was as in love with him as I was, but after 8 mos. he left us. Yes, he had issues with the relationship and he had to work them out. I made the mistake of being overtly sad and despondent in front of my daughter. After a six month separation in which we both did a lot of growing up, we reconciled. He is trying to win back her affections but she has just shut him out. She tells her father that she just can't forgive him for what he did to me. We have tried to tell her that we all deserve a second chance and that forgiveness is important for her well being. She has moments where she shows her love and then her anger comes back out. My mistake was in allowing her to be my "best friend". My responsibility was to be her mother and keep my heartache to myself. I'm now paying for that mistake by arranging for counseling so that she is not scarred forecver. I believe that God will heal us all and that we'll be a very happy family once we settle the situation. Keep the communication open but never let her forget that you are her mother, not her friend. We are not equal and they have to learn who's in charge and not pull what I consider to be emotional blackmail on us.

I think that the best thing that you can do right now is to sit down with your daughter and discuss what it is about your dating that is bothering her. I do not know if you have always been a single mom, are recently divorced or widowed.
She is feeling insecure, and you need to find out why she is feeling this way.
She is 11 years old and able to share her feeling with you. If you find that it is more complex, then approach your pastor or physician for a referral to a good family counseling service.
I have a friend that went the same situation for over 10 years. She could not understand why he was so against her finding happiness. When he graduated from high school and left for the Navy, he still tried to control her dating. It was not until he came home on leave and she told him that it was not fair that he did not want her to be happy.
He finally at age 21 realized that his mother was entitled to a life and happiness of her own.
She refused to seek family counseling for various reasons, and now wishes that when he was 10 and it all began that she had taken him. They would have had a much happier life because she was happy in a secure relationship.
I hope that this helps you.

Dear C.,

Is your daughter concerned about your safety or hers?? I ask this because there are many cases of the boyfriends sexually or otherwise abusing their girlfriends children.

Please read this article and think about it for your daughter's sake:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21838575

Good luck! C.

Hooray for Tiffaney M! I totally agree with her.

WOW! You have received a lot of different responses.

1. Your job is to be a good mother first. If you have provided for her and spent time with her there is no reason why you can not do something for yourself.

2. If you do something for yourself and are happy and confident you will be a much better mother than if you are sad, and second guessing your being alone.

I will never say that you should not talk to your daughter. I will never say that you should not take her feelings into consideration. However you can be a good mother and still date.

Be creative. Don't be affraid to gat a baby sitter and spend time away from her with him. I firmly believe that A LOT of marriages fall apart because women feel like once they become a mother there obligation is only to there kids. You are a person and you should be able to do things for yourself. BALANCE!

On a side note anything that is worth having is worth fighting for. If he is a good guy he will be flexible.

Someone might say that you should "show your daughter whose boss" but I believe that will drive a wedge between you and your daughter. And that doesn't serve either of you well. While I also believe that we can't allow our children to tell us how to live.

Just like I do....You look at your daughter as though she is 1 going on 11; But your daughter looks at herself as 11 going on 17 - Think back to when you were her age.

It wouldn't be appropriate to share everything with her but I think that a conversation between the two of you would be good. You need to explain to her why you want to date and you need to allow her to express any feelings or thoughts she might be having about you dating. You might find that like many kids in this situation she doesn't understand why you are not ok with it just being the two of you anymore, why you don't want to get back with her dad (if he's around) or how you could just forget about him and move on (if he's passed on). Those are all normal insecurities that kids in this situation have and the best thing for her and your relationship with her are to talk through those things. It will put her at ease and make dating easier for you.

Best wishes!

C. - All the other Moms nailed this on the nose. I cannot add anything. I have been single for 6 years now, I try dating every now and then. I have a 12 year old that is a Mommas girl, I have not gotten to the stage that you are at, but I anticipate some "actions" from my oldest too.

Good luck

M. F