Single/Dating... Help.

It was suggested to me to "avoid a relationship with anyone who has MORE problems and LESS money than you do."

And, you might put out an ad like:
"Princess who has had sufficient experience with Princes, seeks FROG.

Good luck.

Hi, L.--

First it would help if you stopped the guilt--you can talk with a therapist (or a really good friend) about why you feel guilty and then you need to forgive yourself--carrying guilt around weighs you down emotionally and it's hard to feel your best with that and it shows to others, as well. (I know. I was there for too many years.)

As soon as you do that you can start putting forward what a strong, caring woman you are. I don't know you but to have five children to take care of by yourself is proof that you are all that and more--flaunt it! Men love confident women. And if you find one that doesn't then you definitely don't want him.

My friend was given a priceless piece of advice when she started dating--don't date a man that doesn't treat you as well as your dad (assuming your dad was a knight in shining armor). You deserve to be treated well and with respect. Oooh--and watch how he treats waiters/sales clerks/animals/etc.--he should treat them with respect, too.

Finally--be aware of your physical appearance--you don't need to look like a model but taking a few extra minutes to look put together and like you did more than get out of bed and go will draw attention from men who appreciate a woman who takes care of herself.

You're obviously a nurturer so turn those fabulous skills on yourself and you'll have men beating down your door. :)

Hope I don't sound too Pollyanna but things will start getting better. You just need to give yourself permission to be happy again. :)

Good luck and let us know how it goes--M.

My thoughts are that if you are dealing with your own feelings of insecurity, bringing another person outside the family will only create more baggage. Take joy in focusing on those kids who need you and try to get family and close friends to help you out. If you date, try not to introduce them to the kids for a very long period of time- they don't need more transitions if they bond to one and then you break up. Not to scare you, but the reality is a small portion of pedophiles target single women with kids. Just be careful and focus on building yourself up before you enter a relationship. Good luck- you can do it!!

Dear L.,
Dating. A quandry to be sure.
Let me start by saying that I left my abusive husband 12 years ago. I have so enjoyed feeling the freedom to make my own choices and decisions. Sure, sometimes I miss having a man in my life, but I have kids. I didn't want to subject them to another wrong choice.
I have gone to dinner, meeting the person there so I could easily get out of it if I had to. On one occasion, I was having a wonderful time with a very good looking guy when I realized he was 10 years younger than me. The difference between 27 and 37 is huge when the guy has never been married or had children and I can't have more kids.
I was introduced by a friend to someone who is "fabulous" and he started off with a list of all the things he will not eat. Basically, everything that we absolutely love. Being a picky eater doesn't make him a bad person, but my own children aren't picky eaters so I couldn't see changing our entire diet for him. He won't eat anything with more than 4 ingredients in it, he will eat meat and potatoes, but not at the same time. And no food on his plate can have touched anything else.
He really is a nice person, but he wasn't cute enough and I'm not desperate enough to even go there. He wanted to take me to dinner and I thought, "Where would we go?"
I tied e-harmony but gave up after about 11 hours of answering questions.
What is your idea of a perfect date?
A) A romantic dinner
B) A movie
C) Bowling

It's raining outside. Do you...
A) Stay inside and read a book
B) Go shopping
C) Go bowling

You want to get together with friends. Will you...
A) Throw a dinner party
B) Meet at a restaurant
C) Go bowling

I had no idea that bowling is so important in the "love" process.

I don't mean to make fun.
My advice is to find things that you really enjoy and get involved in them. Do things that will boost your confidence in yourself and that make you happy.
Being confident is really one of the most attractive traits. Plus, it makes you feel better about yourself.
Don't ever expect to find a man to complete you.
Two halves in a relationship do not ever add up to a whole person.
It just doesn't work that way.
Get to know someone really REALLY well, before introducing your kids. The last thing they need is men coming and going.
My daughter is 22. My son is 14. They both say the biggest gift I ever gave them was having the strength to be my own person. They would love me to find the right person, don't get me wrong, but after my divorce, I never subjected them to relationship drama.
I'll find the right person in time. For now, there's no sense in forcing the issue or feelings of urgency about it on my part. Oh, and I NEVER give men my phone number. Ever. If I'm interested, I will call them and see where it goes from there.
I'm very protective of my home and myself. I've earned it.
Keep yourself looking cute!
I find that some days I'm busy in the garden or just pile my hair up on my head and go. The other day, my son said, "Mom...you look really pretty. Are we going somewhere?" I curled my hair, put on some mascara, blush and lipstick.
Nope...we weren't going anywhere. I just felt like doing it for myself. You really know you've become complacent when everyone, including the mail lady, is telling you how pretty you are after spending 15 minutes on yourself.
Take care of yourself and the rest will come in due time.
Settle for nothing less than you deserve.

I wish you the very, very best.

Dear L.,

I went thru a divorce with two young children a few years ago. When I was ready to begin dating again... I wanted someone who came with references. A friend of a friend. Instead, I ended up on match.com. Be careful on the dating websites. I met some men I wish I hadn't. I did like eharmony. The steps it requires you to go thru is worth the time and money. You can weed out the men you don't want to waste your time on right off the bat.

I wish you luck. You deserve happiness. Don't forget that.

Honestly, I'd say don't worry so much about dating or finding that right guy, that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself and a would-be date.

Find something you like doing, a hobby, a church group, hiking, biking, scuba diving, join a health club or club with something that interests you. Take a college class, just get out and do something for yourself. You will gain confidence and help your inner self. That is attractive to men. Don't date 'potential', be very picky and don't be afraid to say no. Live your life like you deserve the best (NOT meaning most hansome and richest), and the best will come. Take care of yourself.

Good luck to you!
D.

PS If you have kids at home, that is a whole new set of guidelines, I personally am not in favor of introducing kids to anyone in the first 6 months of a relationship because they don't need the confusion.

Start with baby steps by just talking with men. Check out how your feeling when you are around them. I am sure once you made the decision to start dating then men will start inquiring and noticing you more. It is funny how things just work out when you are in the right frame of mind. Becareful not to envolve the children too soon. Remember it is an honor if you allow someone to meet your children so they better be worth it. good luck

I would recommend you open your local newspaper to the 'community events' section, and pick out one or two that sound interesting-- maybe a hiking club, a style of dance you've always wanted to try, or a lecture on a subject that interests you-- if you fish in those waters, the people you meet will automatically have something in common with you.

Hi L.,

Please believe in yourself, and be confident in the woman that you are. That alone will make you GLOW and be attractive to a man.

Perhaps it's time for you to try a one of those "match.com" websites. My brother's friends got him to do it, and he seems to be enjoying it.

Good Luck to you!

~N. :o)

I understand fear and insecurity about dating---but where is the guilt coming from??
Why have you not dated in 7 years? i can understand two or three years...but 7??
You have a lot of kids, so it could be daunting to try to find someone who won't mind that...but I would start with just going out with your friends, to get used to being out and meeting new people. And find a reliable babysitter, because if you do meet someone you want to date, it will go much smoother if you are not always breaking dates because there is no one to watch the kids.
If you don't have any good friends you can go out with, you should start there, by getting some! If you have been truly isolated and you don't feel comfortable with friends, or making friends, then dating would be even harder than it normally is. Friends who know you can help advise you on dating, or even set you up with single men, and it is good practice for adult conversation (if you are used to talking to mostly kids).
That said, I met my husband on Match.com, and he was a single parent of three kids--so, I think that's one way to go (just keep in mind you can't trust everyone, there are jerks and liers on the internet, just like in a bar).

Starting online might help you build your confidence and ease into it. I know a number of people who have met their spouses this way. Make sure the first time you meet someone it is in a public place and only commit to a small window of time, e.g. coffee. Good luck and try to stay positive!

I am going to suggest Eharmony. I was 34 when I signed up for it, and my now husband was 35. He had a 5 year old son at the time, and of course with kids you are busy and you aren't looking for a relationship that you would find in a bar! I am a true believer in it. We have been married almost 3 years now, I have a wonderful 9-year old step son and a 16 month old baby boy! It's a wonderful place to meet people who are serious about relationships; not just "hooking up". I have friends and family who have had success as well! Good luck!

Please don't feel any of those feelings because you are a single mom raising your children and that right there is such an accomplishment! Try one of the dating sites. They have sites for every type of person. Even if you don't end up dating anyone seriously the dates will help you sharpen your skills on conversation and brush up on first dates and help build your confidence. Don't let your fear and insecurity show. Be strong and proud that you are raising those children on your own. Also, join Facebook and catch up with old friends. That will make you smile daily and show you that life still goes on and that life is good to some and better to others but it is what you make of it. God Bless!

I recommend OKCupid online site. Free and I met many nice guys.

I do not recommend eHarmony. Long story, but I had a bad experience.

Good luck

After losing my late husband in 2004, I had problems putting myself out there... I was never one that liked dating but knew if I didn't get out there, I would never do it. I joined match.com. I was looking for someone just to be friends with... you know go to movies or dinner occasionally. I didn't want a relationship. What I found were a lot of frogs but I also found a couple really nice guys who fit the bill and it was a good way to get back into the singles world again. Two years later, I married one of them.