SIL Does Not Want a Party!!

Yes, I would just POLITELY refuse to help him.

Tell him what you've said here about what his wife has told you and offer to help him plan a vacation but not a party!

Can't you just say, spoke to the wife while planning grandma's party and she specifically said she wants to go away with you and does NOT want a party. I get that he is stubborn but is he thick too?

I would get out of the middle of this one, since it sounds like it has a high potential for disaster (with the blame falling on you if you're in the middle).

Tell him you thought seriously about his request, but because SIL has told you, point blank, she hates surprises and instead wants a trip to NY, you cannot in good conscience help him plan something that she doesn't actually want, since it's her birthday. Give the info on NY trips to your brother.

Then tell him that you know he wants a party (maybe phrase it more like, "I know how much you were looking forward to a party" instead of "you want to have a party" so that you're not pointing fingers), and that you totally understand that, and that you'll help him plan a big party for some other occasion (maybe even help SIL plan a surprise one for him, since that seems to be what he wants).

Absolutely stay out of EVERYTHING. Tell him you are not helping in any capacity anymore. You are done. Tell him that if he wants to book a surprise party for his wife, then he will have to do it all by himself (and remind him yet again that his wife does not want it). I strongly urge you to wash your hands clean and stay out of this altogether. This is your brother's problem.

I would be honest but non-accusatory with him:

I would like to help you celebrate SIL's birthday. However, since she has clearly told me she does not want a splashy surprise party, I cannot go against her express wishes and help you plan such a party for her. She has told me she would like to celebrate with a weekend away with you. So if you want help planning that, I would be happy to.

And then stick to your guns -- Do not help him if he insists on the surprise party. Don't respond to emails about it, etc. If he goes ahead, you can attend as a happy guest and nothing more.

F.:

if you know for a fact that your SIL does NOT want a party. Then you MUST tell your brother this is NOT WHAT SHE WANTS!!!! This is for HER not for you and i can tell you THIS is what she wants....

If he won't listen to you - do not help him get them even further in debt. Tell him that you love him. But you value his marriage and his life and do not want to see them get even deeper in debt than they already are...a happy wife is a good wife and she wants a trip to NY. Remember this is HER birthday - NOT YOURS!!!!

If you SIL is adament she doesn't want a party then don't do it...Not only will she be angry at her DH but also with you. No one wants to be put on the spot and feel embarassed. I love her idea of being able to get away with her DH for the weekend. I would help your brother plan that...I.e. checking hotels and prices for shows were to go to dinner etc....If he insists on the party let him do it solo or with someone else as the conspirator..How disappointing it will be when she finds that it is a party and not the get away she's hoping for.

I would talk with your brother very candidly about this. If she has said that she does not want a party and he plans one anyway, he's going to upset her and ruin the celebration.

She was pretty clear about what she wanted. If I were you, I would let him know that if he wants to plan a weekend away with his wife, you will gladly help him plan it b/c this is what SHE wants. If he wants to plan the big party which she doesn't want, it's up to him.

I would tell your brother what his wife told you, she does not want one but suggest a trip to New York instead. Then say you will not help out because his wife would not like a surprise party and you do not want to get in the middle of it.

oh gods, i'm so with your SIL. i let my dh know a year before i turned 50 that of all the things i'd love to do, being *surprised* with a party was on the bottom of my list. fortunately he's good about that and i had a fantastic vacation instead.
you need to get yourself far afield from this one. you haven't actually said here if you have told him point blank that your SIL doesn't want a party, just that you have printed off some info you think will annoy him.
i don't think it's your job to convince him, but it does behoove you (for your poor SIL' sake) to let him know what's going on. if he doesn't want to hear, well, too bad for him. sucks to be your SIL but your responsibility does not include being in the middle of this mess.
state your case and get out. and YES, refuse to help him plan something she will hate.
khairete
S.

I'd refuse to help him plan a party. Then, I would try one more time to convince him she wants the trip to NY. If he won't listen, tell your SIL so she can stop him from spending a fortune on something that will make her unhappy.

Hand him the NY info and tell him what his wife said she would want. Tell him that she expressly said she does not want a party, she wants a weekend away with him. Then walk away, you don't need to stick around to convince him, just tell him what his wife wants and let him make the decision.
Then if he comes to you later asking for help you can say, "Oh, I didn't think you'd do a party since she doesn't want one. What happened to the weekend in NY?"

Tell him you refuse to help plan something that your SIL will hate you for :)
He sounds kind of selfish to me. What was his response when you told him she said she really wants to go to New York for her birthday?
If he insists, make him do it on his own.

When expectations are so misaligned - just say you can't help.
Some couples therapy might be a good idea for them so at least they are on the same page for things like this.

She might actually enjoy it! BUT, her wishes should be respected and I'm betting this NY thing would make her the happiest woman and what man doesn't want a happy woman??? What's wrong with your brother? Maybe you could state it that way. ; ) Good luck.

Tell him the only surprise you will help him plan, is him taking her to NY. Tell him she DOES NOT want a party and out of respect for her, you won't help plan one. My husband is the same way, and I couldn't plan anything for him and it was a bummer, but I love him and part of love is being respectful, so I honored his wish.

Make sure he knows, if you haven't already, that what she SAID she would like is a weekend getaway.

That being said, turning 50 is a big event, and maybe he feels it deserves a party. It should not, however, break the bank. You could tell him you would be happy to help organise one at his house or a less expensive location. The party should not be a way for him to show off or feel like a hot shot, it should be about celebrating his wife's day.

If they do not have many opportunities to get out with a lot of their friends and family, I think the party is more important than the trip, her husband may need a little social interaction, even if she really doesn't. If they are social butterflies and this is just one more reason to party, I would push hard for the trip.

How about telling him what you told all of us?
And since you would have now told him she doesn't like surprises, you can tell him you respectfully decline.
Stick to your guns- how could you do that to your sister in law after she has told you she doesn't like that?
best, k

Why don't you suggest that they celebrate her 50th. with your Grandfather's 90th. That is what I would do. Then he can have the big party and she can have her NY get away. And yes, brothers can be very stubborn. I have seven of them so I know. The easiest way to get through to him is to tell him right out what your sister in law wants for her Birthday. Tell him it's her Birthday and not his and the idea is to make it a great memory for her. Just sit your brother down and talk to him. But make sure before you do you are 100% positive you are right about her not wanting a big party. My Dad said he didn't want a big party for his 80th. but I had one for him anyway. He loved it and was so happy that we had the party for him. Sometimes people will say they don't want a party just to keep others from having to go out of their way to make it happen. Tell your brother that you know he loves her and that you understand why he wants to have a big party for her but she has expressed her wishes to go to NY instead. Either way he is your brother and if it were my brother I would help him make plans either way. People that are saying don't help him either don't have brothers or don't care much about their brothers. Right or wrong I would help my brother just because I love my brothers.

I personally know a lady who said she didn't want a party but her family threw her one and she loved it.

Tell your brother that you would love to help him plan something for your SIL but you know she does not want a party. Tell him that what she really wants is the NY getaway and you would love to get that scheduled for them. If he is still insistant tell him that you will help him with the invitations but he must plan it since he knows what HE wants.

I like MW's answer - and a romantic spa weekend will get him a LOT more tracksion on a 50th than a surprise party - maybe that'll get him in the right direction ;)

Talk to him. Tell him about his wife's feelings and ask him to compromise. He could do both. Ask him if he would like to plan a small surprise party in your backyard and take his wife to NYC for her birthday. You could hire a caterer to prepare a meal and do the decorations. The cost of this should not be so much that he can't also take his wife to NYC for her birthday. They could leave from the party. If he is still adament about the big party I would see if you can talk to his Mom or her Mom. Maybe one of them can help him to see that while his plans are meant with the best of intentions it is not a good idea. If all else fails, tell her. She has to be able to look surprised on the big day but I know if someone planned a huge surprise party for me and I didn't want it I would have a difficult time being gracious. It would be better to tell her and let her have time to get used to the idea than to have her run out in tears and possibly go home, leaving you and her hubby to explain everything to the guests.
Does he often ignore her wants or needs to fill his? If so this is a symtom of a much bigger problem.