Sign Language. - Canon City,CO

**Adding This: Okay... you said in your edit, that there was a Man that did "things" to her????????? It was her Mom's boyfriend... and the Mom let it happen.
Okay...if your StepDaughter was molested or sexually in any way... THIS IS THE ROOT of a lot of her problems. Bottom line. IS THIS issue, of that Man "doing things to her"... being addressed????? Because it has to be addressed.
Basically, it sounds like this 5 year old child... your StepDaughter, was routinely abused in many types of ways.... WHY is the Therapist not addressing that? She is not a 'normal' 5 year old... she, since she was born probably, was mistreated and 'abused' by her Mom and whatever Boyfriend(s) she has around too. AND the poor girl was made to lie about it 'for' her Mom, even if the Man 'did things to her' etc.
Your StepDaughter... is going to need a LOT LOT of patience.... and I really hope, you all are not just scolding/punishing her for things she simply cannot control. Stop "expecting" her to be perfect or to be 'normal.' She is not... she had been damaged by her Mom... it will take a LOT of time, for her to heal.... so you NEED to help her in that. She is an abused... child. Don't make it worse.
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Maybe counseling might help her 'transition' to all the TONS of changes in her life.
A young child like this, does not have the emotional ability to "cope" with stress and/or emotional turmoil. She is only 5 years old.
She needs.... to feel safe, stable, included... at this age, they don't know what to make of situations... and she may still be reeling from her bad relationship with her Bio Mom and whatever Bio Mom did to her.... that is a LOT for a mere 5 year old to handle....

I think, she needs help... and understanding... and a Therapist might be the key to this.

She may not feel a 'part' of your family either and may feel that nothing is stable... BECAUSE, at any moment, in a little 5 year old mind... she COULD be returned to her bio Mom.
And that in itself, is a REAL emotional thing... to have to handle.... and just the thought of it all....
That is a BIG 'burden' for a mere 5 year old, to carry on their tiny shoulders.

Even if she does not want Bio Mom... that is still her "Mom".... so that is a LOT of conflicting feelings... for a little 5 year old to have to handle by herself. She probably feels that no one, understands her and that she has no one.

all the best,
Susan

Susan said it all!! A 5 year old does not understand everyhthing that is happening. Her way of letting you know she is stressed/sad/un-happy...is to act out. It is also a way of getting attention, negative attention is still attetntion! If she is in pre-school or Kdg it is important to let the school staff know. If she attends a public pre-school or Elementary school, there are school counselors that can help. SHe wants to be accepted...the step-mom thingis hard on everyone involved. She is just a little girl...love her and hold her and kiss her, make time for just her. You are the only chance she has of having a positive female role model and mom relationship. PUT YOUR SELF IN HER SHOES..and then re-evaluate your stresses!! Play therapy is an amazing thing...as hard as it may be to get her on the right track, it will all be owrth it one day. SHe will realize the role you played in her life...make it a good one! Best wishes and good luck
C.

Instead of having your daughter see a therapist, all of you should be in FAMILY counseling. You need to try to figure out how to make the best of a bad situation - divorce, remarriage, new kids is way too much for a small child to deal with. She didn't have a say in any of this, so she doesn't know how to cope, and you and your husband don't know how to make it better for her. Find a good family counselor, and hopefully you and her bio parents will be willing to accept some of the responsibility for making your stepdaughter's life difficult by all the adults' choices.

I also have to ask if she started K this year? If so, Sept/Oct tends to be rather nightmareish in regards to behavior in K and 1st. Even for kids who were in preschool. And ESP for kids in all day K. It's like they use up every single inch of self control while in school, and come home and fly all to pieces. I don't know a single set of parents who don't have snarky tantrum throwing kids the first couple months of school for the first year or two.

I agree with the other posters: this child has had some tough challenges, and does not yet have the understanding or coping skills to make sense of them.

I'm a little confused about who's who in your request, but if you or her dad are the ones who are spanking her butt when she acts out of her confusion and unhappiness, you could be hardening her heart against a whole world that (from her point of view) doesn't understand or sympathize with the emotional pain she's experienced. Thus she becomes more defiant. Spanking is really not necessary to get a child's attention or cooperation, IF you know what the alternatives are.

I hope you'll read the wonderful little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It's a whole parenting workshop between covers, and allows you to start applying peaceful principles right away. I have seen some remarkable turnarounds with "problem" children in several families to whom I've recommended this book.

The techniques teach her how to respect you, as you learn ways to listen to her and help her find her way through many of her own emotional dilemmas. All of this shows respect for her in ways that she's probably never experienced in her young life. That's a powerful process; you really have to see the results to believe how effective it can be. And then the whole family is less stressed.

I totally agree with what Susan said. In addition, bear in mind that she may finally be feeling empowered and stable enough to start asserting herself. She's testing her boundaries (a healthy sign) and this is when you setting firm boundaries is most important. Good luck!

I also agree with Susan and the posts about starting kindergarten. However, she is also displaying some big signals about how she regards her mother. I don't care how bad a mother might be, all children love their moms and look for the best in them. The fact that she is throwing away all the things that came from her mom might mean she thinks the relationship needs to be severed. I don't know all of the custodial issues, but she needs help in understanding the new roles and living arrangements. She needs to know what the expectations are, what the boundries are, and what the consequences will be if she crosses them. In her understanding and knowing, she will be more secure to make better decisions. Good luck with all of this. It won't change over night, but life will change.:)