Sick of the Judgment and Insensitive Comments.

I think she has it wrong....I think the ADULTS at work are less well behaved these days! ;-). Seriously, there's always someone who doesn't have the sense to keep their mouth shut!

So... the daycare workers think that the mothers ought to stay home??? Do they realize that will put them out of a job?

Once, a wonderful lady I work with listened quietly as several coworkers were making a series of verbal digs at some other people at work. After awhile she said, "Wouldn't it be great if everyone else was just as perfect as we are?" That shut everyone up. I love that classy broad!

Only people who don't have to worry about family finances think/say such things. They are closed-minded people who do not have enough life experience to know any better!

I think moms on both sides of the issue feel judged and insulted.

Well, you certainly could have said something to the woman at work like, "you know damn good and well that I have children and am working. Why would you even make a statement like that?" And then stare her in the eyes and wait for an answer. She probably would be VERY uncomfortable.
With the girls at the daycare you could have said, "You know....it's a good thing I work and bring my kids here so that YOU can get a paycheck." Then stare them down too.
I am a SAHM and can not tell you how often women's eyes glaze over when I tell them that I don't have a "real" job. I get pissed off too. I think that either way someone is going to judge you. "F" em all and do what's right for your family.
L.

Well, I give you credit. Clearly you are doing what's best for your family.
Ignore the clueless dolts in the world.
Perhaps you could fashion a little "Bestest Mom" award for her and give it to her in a small private ceremony tomorrow? LOL

I'm just throwing this out there for a different perspective: In my neighborhood, all the ladies that don't SAH with kids my age live in houses 3x the size of mine, drive cars valued at least 20k more than mine, and have gorgeous clothes. I'm sure they are the pedicure type, as most women (excluding me) are in my area. My only complaint against these ladies is that they are at work all the time so my kids never get the chance to hang out with their kids.

I mention this because from the perspective of the day care worker, the ladies they are working for are wealthy, making big enough incomes to afford daycare. Daycare is expensive, after all, as are pedicures. Many working women cannot afford pedicures and other such "luxuries".

There are lots of different ideas as to what contributing to financial stability means. For some it means making $8 an hour to buy milk and bread, for others it means making 100k a year to fund vacations, college funds, etc. It's all a difference of perspective and life style choice.

As a SAHM, I myself am sick of insensitive comments by working women. A few weeks ago on this site a woman commented that SAHM are boring and have nothing to talk about, as if a paid job gives one intelligence and conversation worthy knowledge.

It goes both ways, and instead of getting mad at it, it might be helpful to just remember that it is all a matter of perspective. The other lady you work with is from a different generation: women stayed home. The day care workers are struggling to just get by financially, so seeing women with enough disposable income to afford their daycare probably is upsetting to them on many levels.

We are all doing the best we can. I find that instead of getting angry at comments that directly question my life choices, I just reaffirm my choice.

Just ignore her.
How?
Well.... realize that she is pathetic. Then, as she is talking, just know... that she is pathetic. Then, picture her standing there yammering away on her soap-box... with a wart on her nose and looking like a sore thumb.
Because, that is... what she is portraying herself as.
Don't stoop down to her level... meaning: don't let her, let you, feel that way.
:)

Then, you give yourself a high-five.
Because, you know, you always try your best and that is what a Mom is.
Working or not.

Darned if you work (how dare you leave your kid in someone else's care), darned if you don't (you're lazy and taking handouts)! It's a no win situation for working moms. Whatever you do some people will always assume the worst.

Ignore it and write her off.

Are the daycare employees moms as well? The grass is always greener. I have felt separated from several friends...I work out of the house - they work in the house (because I know all moms work full time!! In or out of the house!). I was told- just stop working. OK - soooo - I'm sure we could struggle and make it on one income. BUT - I love working My last manicure.....can't remember. Pedicures....6 months ago? Seriously. We work to maintain a household. Not to eat bon bons.
Speak up if your coworker starts up. Make HER feel uncomfortable.

A B:

Why are you listening and allowing someone who has no clue what so ever what goes on in your home to make you feel bad?

Some people can afford to be SAHMs -- other's cannot.

The kids today aren't less behaved because parents don't stay home. They are less behaved because MANY parents DO NOT RAISE their children. They expect the school to do it - the sense of entitlement has been growing for years. Do for me. Keeping up with the Jones' etc...bigger houses...bigger cars...bigger vacations....putting on the "right" picture.

So if this "friend" says to you again this comment - tell her - I'm NOT keeping up with the Jones'. I'm providing for my family. Not everyone does it like you do.

Then turn around and walk away. Don't let the small people bother you. She's one of the small people.

They come from both sides of the fence. There is nothing wrong with either.

And I'll just say, since I've done both, that the grass is always greener.

Do what works for you and tell everyone else to kindly screw the heck off :).

Sometimes people have opinions and they are just that. Opinions. Let it go. If you believe you are doing the very best for you and your family then you shouldn't be bothered by their opinions.

I hate the term great recession but it is my issues ya know?

We all justify our decisions. She said what she said because she wants to feel there is a palpable goodness from her sacrifice. You are upset because you want to believe there is no sacrifice to the well being of your children made by working. You are both fine.

What is messing up kids these days is working and nonworking parents who believe that nothing their kids do is wrong. :(

I have several friends who are daycare providers. They say most mothers at their centers who HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO work are the ones who recieve vauchers because they can not afford the cost of the daycare. If they don't work their kids will not eat. The ones who can afford to pay choose to work and they say so themselves. They like to have $$$ for extra activities for kids, for nice clothes, for traveling, big homes. Some just can't stand their kids for that long. AND IT'S OK. Different people have different priorities.IT'S OK.
MY parents worked from the time I could remember. My sister and i spent most of our days at the daycare or at our grandparents. One time I was actually forgotten at a daycare....(mom thought my grands had me and grands thought my mom had me....yep scarred me for life.... just kidding:)) But we turned out ok,were very well behaved as kids and very close with my mom.
My husband never went to a daycare(mom and dad worked different shifts ) and he was HORRIBLE as a child.( even tried to set a church on fire at the age of 7)
BTW i get judged all the time(even by my family) for homeschooling so I guess it goes both ways. I do not let it get to me, I know where my heart is with this......i am sure you do too:)

It goes both ways and I am sick of it!
We ALL rock.
Because we work hard at providing the absolute best quality of life for our children, and ourselves and our spouses.
Whether on the job 8 hours (or more) a day, or home 24/7.
Because we are on a site like this: caring, helping, guiding and yes, sometimes giving someone a little kick in the pants.
Ignore the haters, they have NO idea what your personal life is like or what your choices mean.
I have been a SAHM for 18 years and yes, I sometimes feel EXACTLY the same way you do: judged, condemned, looked down upon.
Peace to you "sister" :)

Don't grit your teeth anymore. Have some little kind, quick quips to say when this happens. You will see a lot of backpedaling when you actually step up and show the ladies your finger nails and say, "Not me..look at my poor cuticles. My paycheck is going towards putting food in my kids' mouth." You can say it nicely and still get the point across.

Daycare providers just see first hand the messy part of parents working. Parents picking up late, parents running stir crazy in the morning and forgetting to pack items, kids crying and reaching for mommy or daddy as they whisk away cuz their late for work. Then they see nice cars, manicures, designer clothes, jewelry and lavish vacations. Soooo, with those extreme scenarios they make simple minded judgments...and gossip. It happens..they weren't talking about YOU.

The older water cooler woman is still your friend but she has a strong opinion. I do have to agree with her to a point. But it doesn't mean that she means YOU or your other friend. She means that many parents...mothers and fathers have abdicated responsibility for teaching basics skills to their children onto teachers and daycare providers. I was a teacher...I saw this often. I volunteer at school and hear other teachers discuss this...and they too are working moms. It is not just because moms are working...it is a social problem.

I am not employed..a full time SAHM...there are a lot of judgements and stereotypes about us too. The thing is I don't care. I don't do what I do for others..I worry about myself,my husband and my kids.

Good luck and best wishes...and you do deserve a manicure every now and then whether you work or not...without guilt!!!

You know what, people like that don't even deserve your stress over their disgusting opinions.

Woman at work _ eye roll at her and walk away.
Girls at daycare - Eye roll while shaking your head and walk off.

Or

Woman at work - Your response - Well back in the OLD days (emphasis on old), one income would be enough, sadly it's not that way anymore.

Girls at daycare - Your response - Who's watching your kids while you are at work?
or
Girls at daycare - Your response - Oh sweetie, you remember that when you have kids and both you and your husband are working to keep a roof over your head.

Depends on how catty you are feeling that day. :)

First, I am mystified, did this actually happen at a water cooler? ;)

And also, I'm so sorry. People have no idea do they? Not everyone feels this way, and the hard part is not saying something snide or looking down at people on the other side of the fence. If I could earn a large enough salary to pay for daycare, I would be working too. In the meantime, I work on the side and do all I can to also support my family. I take it some of those daycare workers likely have kids who are also in the daycare they are at? Not everyone is able to do that. I think working moms and stay at home moms both feel judged and come across these kinds of situations.

D'jever notice how no one ever says anything about working Dads? So child rearing as only done by Moms??

I have worked and I have been home and they are both hard and I have been insulted by people in both situations....

I wish all of us Mamas could be more supportive of each other. Its not usually not Dads saying the mean things....

You aren't the only one.

I've heard derisive comments from about both working and stay at home mothers. I have a family member who won't let it go-- every. single. time we get together, I have to hear comments like that. I don't even argue any more. They need to cling to the belief they're right-- I just save my breath.

I agree with you, but I don't understand why you had to stand there and grit your teeth is she your boss? Even then I think I wouldn't be able to stay quiet. Next time you should say something or this woman will probably continue to open her mouth without thinking first.

Yeah, I hear you. I'm not a working mom but I can certainly understand how those comments are hurtful. I think when it comes to kids people are just incredibly out of touch and judgemental. We all think what we're doing is best for our child and some of us out there just don't understand that if we're doing the best, so is someone else, even if it's different than what they do! ;) It reminds me of some breastfeeding moms who make similar comments to us moms who chose bottle feeding...like I said, it's a vicious cycle! Hang in there...and keep up those darn manicures, girl...everyone needs a treat! ;)

you are not alone- my mother in law was a stay at home mom for the first few years I never heard the end of how I should stay home and take care of him- now all I hear about is how well behaved and smart my kids are because they were lucky enough to have a grandma that stayed at home with them. Some days it is like I had nothing to do with the raising of my own children.

I do think you need to ignore peoples comments for the most part. We just can't change other people. BUT, as a daycare provider, I find it very insulting they would say or think those things. My father had a saying. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you".

I'm wondering why you couldn't speak up, or didn't walk away from the conversation. I'd have a hard time not saying something sarcastic, or just walking away in the middle of her smoke blowing session. I am just at *that* point in my life right now, of getting sick of people like that & am tired of being nice & quiet.

I know what you mean, you're not the only one. The SAHM vs. WOHM argument is so old & played out. No one "wins". I think we all just do what we need to do & why, as women & mothers, we can't be supportive instead of snotty about it, is beyond me. JUST staying home with your kid doesn't automatically make you great mom, nor does working. It's the quality of mother that you are, that matters.

I think those types of comments are especially inconsiderate during this down economy. People have to work out of necessity now, more than ever. And, if someone works too have a certain lifestyle, that is no one's business but theirs.

My late aunt used to say : "If someone doesn't like you - it is their problem!" I live by that motto. I am very thick skinned.
I guess the daycare workers' salary IS just about covering their manicures - so this is their perception. I would've turned around and said to them "How great that YOU TWO can afford your manicures, right, and you are SOOO lucky to be around all the precious babies all day long. How wonderful for you."
I was a working mom, I am a stay at home mom now, in the future I am planning to work again full time - so I do what I need to do to make MY life work. I do not own anyone any explanation. That's my take on it.

I think the best way to handle it is to get beyond anger and feel how hurtful this is and then in a quiet way just say that next time this happens. "It is hurtful to me to hear you talk this way when I try very hard to be a good conscientious mother and provide for my family. There are messed up children from people who stay home and from people who work. What the world needs is less judgement." I think this would get through more effectively then letting them have it in anger. True expressions of feelings are very effective.

You really need to say something to the Day Care director - that was totally uncalled for and just plain stupid... I mean HELLO... it's b/c you work THEY have a job!!! DAAAHHHH

I would not say anything to your co-worker... unless it comes up again. Now you know how she feels, you know that it hurts your feelings and now, while you are calm and non-emotional about it, you can plan your response. Just know what you are goign to say if she brings it up again and say it.

I hear many people complaining about this here on Mamapedia but luckily for me I have only run across stay at home moms AND working moms who see the other side and think both ways are good - whatever works for your family. If I ran across that scenario I would definitely say something to that person- I would say it gently and kindly but I would still put them in their place. Very immature of them!!!

Wow!! If you were a SAHM, you'd have a whole other group of people judging you and making insensitive comments. You can't win. You're a great mom doing a great job. It seems like people who don't have kids or have older kids forget what it's like to raise a family. I hope I never forget! Hang in there!

Wow. I've never had something said like to that me or near me. Next time I was going to daycare, I'd walk by these workers and like you're taking to yourself, looking at your nails say "boy do I need a manicure! I sure wish I had the time and money but no way. Hi!!" And give them a big smile. And neither you or your coworker said anything to this woman at work? You need to speak up for yourself next time. And I'd give her the cold shoulder for now on. Why bother with her? That's no friend.

I think you're too nice, not saying anything back to them. I don't have a poker face, and they would have known how upset I was to listen to that.

Don't take anymore of this from that coworker, honey. Next time, let her have it! And if I were you, I'd tell your daycare director what the teachers said.

So sorry!
Dawn

Working mom's actually are away from their children more like 10 hours per day. They have to take the kids on the way to work, so at least 1/2 hour before they are there, then they get a lunch hour, then back to work and then it's a half hour before they get to the child care place to pick up kiddo's. So it's almost 10 hours per day they are away.

I actually was a much better mom when I worked full time. I had to cook dinner when I got home, fill the dishwasher, then it was relaxation and homework time. It was much more focused on the evening time and I really enjoyed it much more.

Hugs, A.B. I am so sorry that you are on the receiving end of these comments. I think it's happened to many of us. It seems that while the majority of moms in the U.S. DO work, there is still the idea out there that moms belong at home, and that married moms automatically have the option not to work. People do not seem to understand that we are often financial partners in our marriages, and that our salaries do not pay for luxuries. I didn't receive salon treatments or go on vacations or go out to restaurants other than for our anniversary or Valentines day. When my kids were babies/little, my salary paid for our groceries, our insurance, our medical expenses, our clothing (and I don't mean designer stuff). Not all couples are made up of a highly paid man and a poorly paid woman. I guess that women who are not in the role of being a significant financial contributor do not understand. Many moms also don't understand those of us who prefer to work and enjoy having a role in the workplace, a career and the achievements that come with it. Being a wife and mother does not mean that you only serve those roles, just like being a husband/father doesn't mean you only do that. We are still wives and mothers while we doing paid jobs, and I never felt that my kids missed out on something beneficial.

In all honesty (and please do not flame me) the two different generations are
so completely different. When I was raising my children, my husband and I
decided that I would stay home. That is what I wanted to do. He was a NYC Police Officer (not very well paid). We were very lucky in that we both
saved and could buy a house prior to our wedding. Now back in 1975 no
one did that. We really just sparsely furnished the rooms we needed. My
daughter was born 11 months after our wedding (planned). We then had
three more babies (one a year) again planned that way. Back then we all
(friends) learned how to strech our food budget. It was amazing what we
could do!!!! I think today (and I am not saying it is wrong, just different) we
live in a "gotta have it now" world. Houses are fully furnished immediately.
Now I know that is not true for everyone. Just saying two different worlds.
I did work part time for several years in the evening when my husband was
home or if he wasn't had a great sitter. It worked well. When the kids all
got older, I was back home full time again. IMO is you want to work and need to work, it is better when they are young. When they get older they
really need supervision at home. So if your co worker says anything again,
just smile. Not worth getting into a discussion. My DIL works full time and I
give everyone who does this credit. I say whatever works for you you do.
Also you do what you need to do in todays world. So kudos to you for working and raising a family. Have a great weekend.

I agree. On both sides. You get the other side attacking moms who stay home cuz they're "lazy". I just wish all women would unite and support the individual needs of the mothers!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I'm so sorry you're being subjected to rudeness! Dealing with that is so exhausting. Hang in there.

I spend WAAAYYYY too much time thinking to myself, "What is wrong with people?" Nobody seems able to deal with anything even a tiny bit different than their own opinion or circumstances without becoming rude and offensive about it. GRRRRR! Lack of manners makes me very upset.

I've seen SAHMs get similarly rude comments from others, telling them that they're not pulling their financial weight, that they're not using their brains or educations, that they're wasting their time, that they're setting a bad example for their kids, that theyu're setting the women's movement back and setting their daughters up for failure (or mediocrity) and on and on. It's particularly fierce if the children are in public school - then the snarky comments start about watching soaps and eating sweets all day.

I agree with you, everyone should at least TRY to be polite. I'm rarely offended if someone says, "This is why I do it this way; it works for me and my family." I'm frequently offended when people say, "You need to do it the way I do it; otherwise, you're doing it all wrong and screwing up your kids."

Come on, folks. Let's play nice!!!

After all, we can't expect our kids to respect differences if we can't.

Well... she was certainly being opinionated and insensitive. She should have taken into consideration her audience when making those comments. That said, she's entitled to her opinion and expressing it and the fact that she made those comments doesn't mean she's not still your friend. It means she has foot-in-mouth syndrome.

If you really consider her a friend, then I would quietly take her aside and let her know that her comments stung because it felt as if she were taking jabs at you for being a working parent. I'm sure she didn't mean anything personal about such an insensitive mommier-than-thou expression of her opinions.

But you really do need to take a little bit of responsibility here. Did you tell her that her comments were coming off as judgmental at the time she made them? I get judgmental comments on the flip side as a SAHM. I've been known to say, "You know, Christine, I know I'm one of the only SAHMom's you know, but if you had said that to any other SAHM it could have been taken as being very hurtful. You're lucky that I know you didn't mean any harm by it Someone else might have called you out for being rude and judgmental."

You what...the next water cooler conversation needs to be!
Man being a working Mom is really hard to do...Thank God that I know what needs to be done for my family that NO ONE ELSES JUDGEMENT MATTERS!
You do not live your lives for others so why take what they say to heart. Remember they really do not know you unless they live with you and pay your bills.

The ladies at the daycare were just complaining about their "bosses" just like lots of employees do. The moms who drop their kids off are probably dressed nicely and have higher paying jobs, at least enough to justify daycare. I am a SAHM and am college educated. I don't mind if people ask me when I am planning to go back to work, it is a reasonable question. But I can tell if there is an ulterior motive...fortunately, there usually isn't. Being a SAHM can be hard. Sometimes, no matter how much you love your child, they are having a bad day and there is no where to leave them. I need to be creative, especially in the winter months to keep him busy because I can't play with my son all day and he certainly can't play by himself all day either. But it's also not easy to wake a kid up (sometimes before they are ready) and haul them off to daycare when I am sure some days they are crying and screaming thaty they just want to be with their moms. If the parents work somewhat different schedules, I think it's actually beneficial for a child to be in daycare for part of the day. I will be honest though, I am not a fan of a child being in daycare 10-12 hours a day. I don't think that is healthy.

I did not read all the responses, there are lot, its a hot topic becuase we are either SAHM or working mom. The only thing I dont get is when people complain they are so cash strapped and dotn have money for basic things, but they drive expensive cars and have manicures and pedicures left and right. If you can spoil yourself even once in a while... what is there to complain about? People cant save up money but eat out all the time. Think priorities....

Sorry you're dealing with this. I feel that way about the crappy comments about SAHMs and I've gotten comments from people about starting to work again. So I can see where you're coming from. I guess it was more idealistic back in the 50s and before when the majority had cookie cutter lifestyles.