Shy Son

Hi J., I have an 8 year old son who is also shy. He does great in school with kids his own age. It seem to be more with adults exspecially at family functions. When my husbands family is around at Holiday get togethers he goes off and plays by himself and doesn't even want to come out and eat or visit. When he was younger he use to be more hyper and his aunts and uncle would make comments about him and to him that were hurtful and rude and now he would rather go off and be by himself. He is getting better with other adults like the clerks at the grocery store and receptionist at the doctors office and just people in stores. He is a cute kid with a beautiful shade of red hair that people comment on all the time and he has learned to be graceful and say thank you. I think a lot of times as parents when our kids are shy we want to appologize to people and say something like " I'm sorry he is shy". Which according to my doctor we should never do because it is labeling them and then they may think that is how they should act or who they should be. He suggested saying something like "I'm sorry he doesn't talk to strangers" or nothing at all. We send kids these mixed signals all the time, Don't talk to strangers and then all of a sudden it's okay to talk to them in certain settings. I think it becomes overwhelming and hard for them, who is a good stranger and who is a bad stranger. The older my son gets the more he is able to be social. I would just recommend making sure he has kids his age to play with other than siblings and the rest will fall into place. Adults can be scarey to little ones. I hope this helps. Best of luck.

S.

I would try and get him involved in group activities. I hear that karate is excellent for self confidence.

Maybe invite some kids over from school. They do get to interact at school, but there is so much to get done. It would be good for him to focus just on socializing in another setting.

My daughter is the same way. I talked to her pediatricain and finally she was diagnosed with social anxiety. Once she warms up to a situation you cannot tell there is anything wrong. I worried about her starting kindergarten and it worked out great. I let her school know she needed a teacher sensitive to her social situation. From watching her in playgroups, I learned that if an adult she doesn't know raises their voice at any child it initmidates her. She seems to do better with children her own age and has many friends at school now. She will not initiate a conversation with someone she doesn't know, but she will respond if she is asked a question.
My best suggestion is to talk with your son in as much detail as you can on what to expect at school. I asked for the daily schedule so she knew what was coming next and it helped her adjust to something different.

I wouldn't worry about it. Every child is different. My son the extreme the other way. He talks to anyone, he likes them to know about superman, spiderman, and batman. Maybe a mother's day out program would help him. I watch children very part time and I know it has helped them. One lttle boy was extremely shy and his mom was worried about how he would be over here. He has come to me for a couple months and he has adapted well. His mom says this has made a hugh difference for him. He loves to come.

J.,

You mentioned that your husband is in the military, have you moved much or been away from family since your son's birth? I'm asking because kids in military families have different coping mechanism's than most kids. They tend to watch and wait to see what the ground rules are in every situation. They listen to everything being said and then only start to interact when they feel comfortable.

I know, because I was exactly the same as a child. My father was in the Air Force and we moved every three years from the day I was born. My mother used to worry that I was to introverted and would not talk a lot in groups. When she went to the first meeting with my Kindergarden teacher she mentioned her concerns. My teacher, Mrs. Johnson, god bless her said that there was nothing wrong with me and that my mother should let me progress at my own pace. Yes, I was quiet, shy, and very careful about getting to know new children, but I saw and remembered EVERYTHING. Eventually, I came out of my shell and had a wonderful time in school. I even still remember the names of the girls I was friends with from Kindergarden to Second Grade.

As long as your son is paying attention to the other children and adults I think you are just fine. He is just figuring out where he fits into the picture. I would not be surprised if as your daughter gets older they form a very tight bond. Everytime we moved my little brother became my best friend and playmate. After a month or so on a new assignment we would start to develope friendships with other kids. The immediate family mother, father, brother and sister was everything to us. That is where we were safest and where we retreated when we felt unsure.

Good Luck from a much older Millitary Bratt!!

J.

My 4 year old is the same, has your son ever been to daycare? My son wasn't scared of his teachers at daycare. When we talk about school he is excited. I think when he is around me he is more scared, if i'm not around and other adults are he acts different. You might see if it's not to late to try preschool just to give him an idea of what school is like. I feel for you, it's nice to have them scared of strangers, but it sucks to have them so shy! Good luck L.!