Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Girl, I think you need a serious break. I work with kids with Autism. Call me if you need a break. I may be able to help you. I think you need a break. ____@____.com and I'll give you my number.

Hi K.,
My first piece of advise would be to start looking up! I don't know what your beliefs are, but when my marriage feel apart and my life had hit rock bottom, that's where I found help and relief. God is there to help us... yes, he knows what we are going thru already, but he wants us to ask. He is an almighty, all meciful, all forgiving God that wants to love us, help us and provide our every need. All he wants from us is to love him and praise him in return. He is always there no matter what time of day or night. I hope that you and your husband can work things out. Find you a good church, look up and HE will reach down if you let HIM. May God Bless you and your family, you will be in my prayers. Feel free to contact me.
G.

K.,

First of all, I am really sorry you are going through such a difficult time in your life. It never ceases to amaze me that when it rains on us, it POURS. My goodness, you are in a marriage that the candle has burned out? I always put a question mark, as sometimes it is life pressures that cause us to fall in and out of love with our mates (going on 20 year relationship). Then, you have job pressures and sounds like bills constantly banging at your doorstep. And on top of all that, two children who require an enormous amount of tip toeing care.

It is very difficult to give you sound advice without knowing more about your situation. How long have you been married? Are you certain that you do not love him anymore? Have you ever sat down for an hour with him to discuss the relationship? Maybe just to hear his side of the story. There is a great program out there that is located at this website.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

My husband and I have weathered too many storms together. Sometimes I feel like the Gods are against us. Now, he is one of the individuals that was laid off work. I am a SAHM, so we are really thinking about our options over the next 6 months. Three years ago the two of us absolutely hated one another. Just disrespect all over the place. Anyway, what I am trying to say, is storms come and go in relationships. The persons that come out of the storms together are completely different people. If I had lost my life partner in several of the storms we have faced together, I do not think the paths taken in life would have been as rich and purposeful. Some days I want to rip his head off his shoulders and other days I can not hold him long enough. That is marriage...This is a choice that you and your husband need to make together. It will be much easier than making this decision on your own. Plus, you never know, you might grow to love him again.

You have too many pressures weighing heavy on your shoulders right now. Please focus on one at a time. Start with the marriage, you need to sit down as soon as possible with your husband and talk about divorce or making a list of what needs to change in order to remain married. Once that is worked out, the two of you need to discuss the children.

Listen, there is so much to say, but I do not know your situation. If you need or want more of my advice, please feel free to write.

I don't have advice for you about your marriage, job or children. I think that you are the only one that can decide for sure what you should do. Know that I was touched when I read your post and wanted you to know that whatever you decide, it will be the right decision. Just like with raising kids, you have to go with your gut. You have to listen to that still voice inside of you that is telling you what the right thing to do is. Just be still and listen... I will say a prayer that God's will be done in your life and that everything works out for you the way it should. God bless you.

K.,
I do not know your religious background, but I can only tell you that when my marriage was falling apart going to God was the only thing that saved us. We had begun to talk about getting a divorce after 14 years of marriage. We couldn't even stand to be in the same room together. If you go to church most pastors offer free counceling. If you don't attend church and are looking for one ours is the Sanctuary of Faith of Jacksonville, NC. We are at 123 Henerson Dr next to Mia Tai(for now, our new building should be done in 1-2 weeks). After that we'll be on Piney Green Road.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

K.

God blessed you with special needs children because he knew you could handle it. It is never easy under any circumstance, life is full of challenges. Open doors, check with legal aid for options on seperation, or legal help with your children. If you and your husband are beyond help, and he doesnt realize what precious gifts he will be losing, you should go. You deserve to be appreciated, and helped thru life's journey. Your children need extra care, calm and peace to operate. My great nephews are autistic and feel blessed to have healthy children and look at as life. No problem, a little extra struggle, but when they grin at them, or hug them, everything is worth it. You are the only one that can change things in your life to make it better. Will it be better there, will it be better away from your husband, will you be happy?? Happiness comes from within. Are you involved in a church. You can find your answer to why God put you here if you are in His house asking Him. Best to you K. and God Bless you.

K., my heart really goes out to you. My son is on the spectrum as well, pdd-nos. So I know some of what you are dealing with but not to that extent. I am so sorry you don't have a good support system around you. You have to remember that as a mom, your first priority is to do what is best for your kids. If your husband is a toxic, unsupportive force in your life and the lives of your children, that's not good for any of you. If your family in NY would help support you in what you need to do for your kids, then maybe that is best. Life is hard enough dealing with two kids with special issues. You need to surround yourself with supportive people who will help you do everything you can to help get your kids better. We have our son on the biomedical treatment that Jenny McCarthy did with her son and it has made all the difference. The GFCF diet, the supplements. It has made him so that he is not sick as much, is easier to handle. His behavior improved so much. He finally started talking! It is not cheap. But he is getting better. Both of your kids could benefit from these treatments if you could get yourself to a place where you could afford to do it. But whatever you do, you need to get yourself to a place where you can be a better mom to your kids, where you can take care of yourself and not be so stressed so you can take care of them. The divorce rate for families with kids on the spectrum is about 80% because of the toll it takes on the family. If your hubby is not going to realize what he needs to do to support his family, both financially and emotionally, then surround yourself with people who will. Does your daughter get any special services at school? Our son was in early intervention before he turned 3. Then when he turned 3, the school took over his case. He is in a special preschool at the school and gets speech therapy there as well. You might qualify for special programs in your state for your daughter, either Medicaid or otherwise, that would help your take care of her. We are in MS, and my son is classified as disabled because of his ASD diagnosis. We don't qualify for Medicaid but we may qualify for a program called Disabled Child Living at Home which would give us extra money to help with his treatment. So you may look into something like this for your family. Best of luck to you.

K.,
I am personally going thru very much the same situation you are in. I have 3 boys who love and adore their father. Although our situation may vary, I agree that no one deserves to be treated this way. I have been in this relationship for nearly 15 years now. My decision involved what was best for the kids. In our case seperation was at least for now the best way to go. I am also a SAHM although I am disabled and have income in that capacity. I can't tell you what to do other than to realy think about things. Is there anything worth saving? Are both of you feeling the same? Have youy tried either counseling or perhaps help from a local church?
Above all this, know that you are not alone, and if you need someone to talk with, I am available online ____@____.com or you can get in touch thru my website.
I hope this helps.

S. J
________FIGHT LYME DISEASE
www.ShazzArtisticVisions.com

I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. I know that when things are bad, the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. The truth of the matter is that once you get there it usually is not any greener there, sometimes all that green is nothing but weeds. Is there any way that you could just take a weekend to yourself to go away. Maybe even just a local hotel. Grab some time for yourself. It sounds like you are just so stressed out with everything that is going on in your life. If you have a cell phone turn it off, and just spend a weekend doing just for you. Let a friend or neighbor know where you are going, write the info in a sealed envelope only to be opened in an emergency. As far as the school issues talk to the school district and see if your daughter can change to a different school. In MO the district that we lived in had a special ed program that as long as you lived in the district they would bus your child to whichever school was the best for them to strive in. My younger brother is MR/DD. The first school he went to he did really well until the teacher was ready to retire. She started telling my parents that they needed to apply for institutions for him to live in when he turned 18, he was about 7 at the time. She told my folks that he would never be able to hold a job or live by himself. That he would need to have someone take care of him for his adult life. My parents were so upset that they went to the Superintendents office. They transferred him to another school and he started doing better. He is now 32, still lives with my parents, He has held his job at a restaurant for 14 years, he helps my parents a lot, does the laundry, cooks and cleans, does all the yard work and works 4 days a week.

As far as your job goes, in this economy any job is better than no job but if your job is that miserable that it is making you sick maybe you need to search for a different job. As far as the husband,maybe if he keeps the kids while you are away for the weekend he will have a new appreciation for you. It sounds like you need counseling, someone that you can vent to that can possible help you find ways of dealing with your everyday stresses. You might look into your church or a local one you are close to for counseling. The churches sometimes have free or low cost counseling services. It sounds like you and your husband both need to go but you both must be willing to change and realize you cannot change the other person, only yourself. Good Luck and God Bless, I will keep you in my prayers.

Dear K.,

There are too many things going on in your life right now. Your daughter's autism may be a trigger. First, you need to embrace her for being there. We are all in this world for a reason. Find local autism groups. These are always helpful and it will educate both you and your husband to help your daughter.

If you must divovrce, ask your family to help you pay for your trip to NY. The divorce can come later. The most important thing right now is to put some distance between the two of you so that you can both think about what's going on.

It's a good think that you are taking the kids with you. You don't mention their ages, but no matter how small, kids can always tell when parents are not happy. Your daughter may be feeling this and could be affecting her making her always "sick".

Your husband will be okay without his children right now. He will come around. Either to rekindle or to be in the lives of his children.

I am praying for you and family.

You have to take a step back and deal with the easier things first. You can't handle it all at the same time. Start with your job and sit down and take some time to find out what you can do instead. Anyone you can talk to and network for another job. Anything that you would rather do. Even if you quit and work p/t somewhere else, even if you work full time at a coffee shop. Do something more relaxing and not so stressful. Then start to work on the kid's school. Figure out why you hate it and if anything can be done about it. Can you talk to the princ or the teacher? Can you apply for a zoning change so they can go to another school? Can you work at a school that you do like and then they can go there with you? Talk to the Director of city schools if the princ cannot help you. Maybe they can allow you a zoning change to make things better. You did not describe what the reason is that you hate it but it might be able to be helped by going higher up. Then you need to talk to your family in NY and find out how far they are willing to help you. Will they let you borrow the $2k and pay it back when you can? Will they let you and your children live with them? Have you considered how expensive it is to live up there? You MUST go through the entire scenario from living arrangements, to career, to care for your children while you work, etc Will your parents completely 100% support you? Will you get child support? Etc. You must really make SURE this is esactly what you want to do. Then, lastly, once you know what you are able to do as far as leaving, sit your husband down and have a serious talk about how he disrespects you and has no care for what his children are seeing. This is how these children are going to grow up. If you have a girl she will grow up insecure, thinking less of herself, and accepting that it is ok to be treated badly by a man. If you have a boy, he will grow up thinking it is ok to treat women badly. He really needs an attitude change and maybe you threatening to leave will do it. If not, maybe you need counseling to help with many, many stresses in your life. You have to calm down for your chilren. Things can always be worse. You have to look at the good things and try to take a deep breath and work on one thing at a time. Unless your well being is healthy, you cannot be healthy for your children. Always, always think of them and what your life and relationship with them is going to do to them in their future. You sound like a good mom caring so much about so many things. Time to step back and relax. Maybe you are stressing too much.

ps/ he HAS to help financially, when you go to court, make sure you get the child support taken out of his paycheck, don't wait for a check from him.

Hopefully you can work this out w/ out moving.

Good luck, W.

Dear K.:

It's a normal response for men to invert in to the TV to avoid stress. It's normal for a woman to need more attention and support during stress. We would be glad to meet and pray with you and your spouse before you make any decisions....we do not have a church. we travel and work in the business world.

I want to tell you that I fiilmed an interview with a mother last month in Easly, NC. Her son was normal until the MMR series at 22 mo's. He was then diagnosed as Aspergers Autism at four by a school teacher in her church. She directed her to take her son to an Upper Cervical doctor who corrected the atlas. The atlas bone surrounds the brain stem, which allows all communication between the brain and body. When trauma, whether at birth or the stress of vaccines or a fall or wreck dislocate the atlas, the nerve messages are skewed.

Short story, she told us on film how her son is now normal, at age 5. She's so grateful to have her little boy back! Anyway, there are Upper Cervical doctors you can take your son to. These DC's are not traditional chiropractors, but are specialists who ONLY analyze & correct the atlas. Unfortunately, by law they cannot call themselves specialists....but we, as patients and advocates can.

You can read other stories of autistism reversal and other problems on the Links page of www.UpperCervicalAdvocates.com Bless you. We'd love to pray with you! R. & James Tomasi ###-###-####

K.,
I'm so so sorry, and I know there is a reason you're going through all of this. Keep going, live day to day. Get counseling through a near by church. I know it will help. Please seek more help, I know you don't want to. Believe me I know that it seems nothing and no one can help, but you are wrong to believe that. I wish I was able to be there. Hang on to what you do have. Pack some snack foods for super and spend it at the park to think will the kids play. The answer will come to you.

First, I am so very sorry to hear that you feel your life is falling apart. You are under so much stress! I'm sure you feel like you never have a moment of peace.

I know you said you've already tried counseling but have you checked with counselors at any local churches? Many times they have someone either on staff or affiliated with the church who offers services on a sliding scale (meaning they will work something out to meet you where you are). Don't lose hope!

If you will message me, I would be happy to send you more detailed advice. I am a marriage coach but do not counsel. A counselor helps to heal what isn't working. I help people to strengthen their marriages.

I will be praying for you and your family!

Blessings,

Maybe your family would help you with your kids. If you had more family support then it might be easier in New York. It is very difficult living with a pain-in-the-butt husband. It always affects the kids. I know your pain. Hang in there. Focus on taking care of the kids. Maybe you could get government finanacial assistance until you get everything straightened out.

Oh K. it sounds like you are in such a dark place! I think the one you need to be talking to is your heavenly Father. I know once when my DH and I were really at each when we stopped and prayed to the Lord he healed our marriage! He can do that for you too!

If you are not in church, please find one and start going. What do you have to lose? Talk to a pastor or find a counseling service that does a sliding scale.

Have you tried looking for another job?

I am sorry but I don't think it is ok to leave your husband. Marriage is forever. These are vows you took in front of God, and you pledged for better or worse. Stay and try to make it better.

God Bless and best of luck. I will pray for you and your family.

If you have family that will really help you, go for it. I just think that life will be just as hard unless you can get a degree and a well paying job. You may be able to get a scholarship for a teaching degree, and could specialize. Your husband has to support you and the kids, so you have to get legal aid and find out what to do. I don't know where you live, but get in touch with a women's center, he is abusing you verbally, and find out the steps to take. Good luck. Be strong, I know you have it rough.

Oh honey...I feel for you. Let me say please don't do anything without thinking it through. Your husband is wrong for what he is doing...it sounds like the both of you are sooo stressed. I do know this...God put you here for a great purpose. I know that from the bottom of my heart. Your children are very special. There is counseling out there that is either free or cheap through church. Please feel free to call me to talk - ###-###-####. I have had some similar issues. God bless you!!

Move home with your family for the summer. Get a break from it all and maybe a new perspective. Tell your husband it is a trial separation. Then just see what happens. You will know by the end of the summer.

K.,

I would never tell you to leave your children's father nor would I encourage you to stay in an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship of any kind. What I will do is the same thing that someone did for me when I found myself caught between a rock and a hard place. I will introduce to you an option. It sounds like you need something that will allow you to be self sufficient and free up your time to devote to your children. Please consider doind what I did. I became an Arbonne Consultant after my Regional Vice President introduced me to this gift. It has allowed me to earn an incredible income and free my time. You need time back. Arbonne can help.

Please visit my website at www.abriggs.myarbonne.com or give me a call
Angela Briggs
###-###-####

Things will work out for you.

i don't know where you live but i am in sumner county. in hedersonville the is a place called the babb center that could see you for little of nothing just to talk, R.

PLEASE........DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT THE KIDS!!!!!!
I think it is in your children's best interest to leave and go to NY with family. Do WHATEVER it takes however to take the kids. You simply CANNOT leave them with him. It will get very ugly when you want them back. The kids will always feel like it was abandonment. Even when they grow up they will remember that you left them. It doesn't matter that it was with dad. Get out and take the kids. Somehow it will work out and you will be able to get to your family WITH your kids. You will know that you are doing the right thing. Sell everything you have if you have to, but you simply CANNOT leave without the kids. Trust me.

I don't know all the details of your marriage's breakdown, of course, but if what you say is true, then your husband could be a very self-centered person. When you were married, you both took a vow before God to be faithful to each other "for richer or poorer, in plenty and in want" (or words to that effect). The most important thing I can say to you, however, is that God loves you, and He knows what has happened to you. Ask Him to help you begin to see yourself through His eyes. You are so valuable to Him that He sent His Son into the world to die for you. If we know Christ, the Bible says, we are "God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved" (Colossians 3:12).

Yes, you are going through a hard time right now—but God wants you to go through it with Him by your side. By faith ask Christ to come into your life. He will give you hope to get through what you are going through. Ask him for guidance in the decisions you are facing.

Yes, you should take the kids to an emergency family shelter as soon as your husband is away from home. Pack some clothes and some comforts but leave everything else behind. You can get it back later once you have a place to take it to. The shelter will keep you safe from your husband and provide meals, clothes, and a place to sleep. They may also give legal advice and help you arrange to travel home to NY.

Start over and follow your heart this time.

K.,
Hi, Usually I read the requests and then delete
but I can't delete your request... I don't know
what to say except that I care about you and your
situation. I hope things are looking better for
you and your family. Always remember God has a
purpose for your life. Sometimes it is easier to
see the "difficulties instead of the blessings" so
look from your heart whenever possible and see all
the blessings in your life. God loves you.

We know how you 'feel', but we obviously don't know your husband. It takes 2 to make or break a marriage. Do your family members think he's a 'good man', or did they tell you from the beginning that you shouldn't marry him? That's always a big consideration.

Make a 2-column list of his 'good points' and 'bad points'. Big things like 'honest/dishonest, works hard/doesn't work, faithful/unfaithful to me, respects/beats me, etc' get 5 points. Little 'nit-picky' things like 'does/doesn't listen [most women think their men 'don't listen when men just have a different way of communicating'], is thoughtful/thoughtless, picks up after himself/leaves clothes laying around, etc. are worth 1 point because there'll probably be a lot of those. Make your list over a period of a week or so (keep it nearby so you can add things as your husband does ANOTHER 'nasty' or you remember something wonderful that made you 'fall' for him, you talk to friends, you compare him to other husbands, etc) then tally up the 'score'. If the 'high-pointers' end up on the negative side, that's when you're in trouble.

It may not be as bad as it 'feel's, and if he's a good man, you'd better keep him!

K.,
YOu have so much to be stressed out about! Your husband sounds stressed out, too - is cursing you how he handles his stress? Do you have any family or friends in the area who you can turn to? If possible, try working on one problem at a time like find a new job, then see about switching your kids to another school, etc. Have you tried marriage counseling? You mentioned you lost your health ins - does your husband's job provide any? One strong option for help is finding a church counselor. Many churches provide free counseling. Only you and your husband can decide if you want to work on the marriage, if there's anything left to save.