Should I Refuse My Son's Birthday Present?

Hi S.,
I know its uncomfortable but I think you should really have a talk with the grandparents. 1st off it looks like Chelseas birthday comes 1st then Christophers so I would tell them if they do not come to Chelseas party or send a card or a gift Then dont bother doing it for Christopher. Its a hard situation b.c its not Christophers fault at all but yet its not Chelseas fault either that she dont get acknoledged.
I feel for you having 2 birthday parties in one month anyway. wow!

S.:

I agree that you, or your husband, should talk to the grandparents. And then, since the kids' birthdays are only three weeks apart, why not throw a joint birthday party. If they show up with only a gift for your son, you can politely turn them away at the door by informing them that it is a party for BOTH kids and showing up with only presents for one is incredibly rude.

Good luck!

is it possible they just forgot? being great-grandparents sometimes means being more forgetful than in younger years...
but honestly, if forgetfulness wasnt the case, you have every right to be livid and to bring this to light in any way possible. they are blatantly disrespecting you and your daughter in such a way that it seems they WANT you to notice and to get upset. if they are being that obvious you should try being that obvious too. or, maybe ask your own parents why their parents are acting this way. they may have the inside scoop.

added later....
i totally agree with the more recent answer somebody gave about having a joint party and turning them away if they only bring presents for your son. i mean, for goodness sake...people give presents to people they barely know just to be kind. to deny their own grandchild is insane.

Hi S.,
I know there are a lot of posts regarding your situation, and I really dont have anything different to say to you than most of the others have. I am in the same exact situation you are. I have a son 5, and 2 daughters 3 and 5 months. My husbands mother wants nothing to do with my girls. She will outright tell my son and anyone in the room who will listen, that she favors him over the girls. She simply feels like he is her "prince, and first born grandson". She invites him over all the time, brings over gifts for him and not the girls. She also will tell my 3 year old daughter that the reason she cant come and spend the night with her is because she is to difficult to put to bed, where as my son is a perfect angel.
My husband and I finaly sat down and decided we had had enough. We told her that the favortism is going to hurt our two daughters as they grow older and it wasnt fair to them for us to allow it to continue to happen. We put the ball in her court. We told her that even if she was fonder of our son, she was no longer allowed to voice that or show any favortism towards him over the girls. THat meant with her words, or gifts, or invitaions (or lack there of). whatever the case was, she was either to treat them as equals or she could no longer spend time with them because it was to damaging. Needless to say, we spend hardly any time with her. We do not allow our son to spend the night over there any more. We told her she didnt have to take them together if it was to much, but if she takes my son one night, then the next time she wants to have one over it has to be my daughter. THat way they feel like they both get time. She didnt want that, so the rule is nobody goes. She has made her choice. It takes that guilt off of you if you put the decision in their court I guess is what Im trying to say. Set your limits and stick to them.
It will be worth it for your childrens balanced and healthy emotional state as they grow older.

I haven't had this problem, but something similar happened to me personally growing up. Based on your previous post, I think that should this happen again this year, I think you should intercept the gifts and tell them (without your children around of course) that the obvious favoritism has to stop and if they cannot keep it to themselves, then the relationship will stop. I know that you do not want to hurt their feelings, or put a rift in the family, but you have to think of your childrens' feelings first. Trust me, your daughter will remember this for the rest of her life and lets face it, girls are so much more sensitive than boys! I wish you good luck! Dealing with family issues is never easy.

I'm not sure what to tell you there. I am in a similar situation where my oldest son doesn't get cards, presents, or even a mention but my other three boys do. I have decided that my son doesn't deserve that and the communications between my parent's and I have slowed to a minimum. I guess it hurts me more than anyone being stuck in the middle. Their house was robbed a few years ago and my oldest has always been blamed though he passed a polygraph. Anyway, if you figure out a good way to handle it, I'd sure love to hear from you. Not my place to judge them but I don't need the added stress and neither does my son

I have a situation that is a bit more complicated but has the same results.We ar a blended family My husband 3, my 3 and one daughter together. We've been together for 12 yrs (since the kids were all VERY young) . We've always had full custody of all and little to no interaction with the kids bio parents.
Now...MY parents accepted my bonus children as thier own from day one!They are MY kids and they are my parents grandkids...PERIOD no exceptions!They are all treated 100% equally.
My husbands parents have a totally different view! They used to treat "thier" grandchildren one way and my children another.
We fought and fought over over this and finally just let it be ,,UNTIL we had a daughter together who was STILL treated as though she was a second class citizen!
A great example is this: Christmas for his 3 boys means 100$ each plus presents, for my kids (including OUR daughter) an outfit for each child...period.
We told them years ago that if gifts were not equal they would be returned.........THAT didn't work! They began giving the exact same gifts to all 7 and then SNEAKING money and gifts to the "thier" boys!
My daughter who is now 10 has never spent the night with them,gone on a day trip or done ANYTHING with them,neither have any of "my" other kids but she IS thier blood so there is no EXCUSE!!!
I wish to god I'd have stopped this when the kids were little! My husband USED to be so close to his family...they don't speak anymore over this rift!
My advice (finally) BE STRONG!! You OWE it to your daughter, no matter what you or your husband have to deal with,to STOP THIS NOW!!!!!!!!!! Set your rules,STAND BY THEM!BOTH of your kids will suffer eventually if you don't END IT NOW!
GOOOOOD LUCK!

I'm probably not the most subtle person but I would tell them straight out that what they did was absolutely unacceptable, and I will not have my children hurt by their inconsiderate behavior. Either they get a gift for both children on their birthdays or neither. Tell them beforehand that you will not accept any gifts for your son if they have a problem with it.

S.,

What is the reason they give for doing this?

Take half of your son's presents and give them to your daughter. (Well, exchange them and tell your parents you are exchanging half of them for presents for your daughter since you don't want her to feel bad that they forgot her birthday....again. Don't do this in front of the kids.)

I see that your kids' birthdays are close together, and that you're anticipating that it might happen again. Just politely ask them, so that you can be prepared and go buy presents for your daughter and say they're from them so she doesn't get her feelings hurt....or yours. Really, though, ask her why as nicely as you can without causing a rif in the family.

I think if they do not acknowledge your daughter's birthday this year, then you need to run interference if they bring your son gifts. Stop them before he even sees them - making him give gifts back will just upset and confuse him. Explain that since they didn't get your daughter anything, you won't allow her to feel second-class. It can be done nicely...if they genuinely "forgot", they always have the option to get her gifts then come over on their own time with all of the "late" presents for both children...we all know kids don't care whether they're on time, as long as they're gifts, LOL. And if they're trying to play favorites...well, that's a whole different posting.

I think that I responded to another request that you put out about your grandparents favoring your son over your daughter and not wanting to take her over night, right??

I don't want to offend you, but these people are getting on my nerves FOR YOU!! I would sit down with your husband and decide what type of boundaries you want to set. I think that things like this can be so hurtful to children and it's not something that's fully realized until they get older. Your son will probably feel guilt as he begins to realize the favoritism. Do they give reasons for their behavior??

I think that you have every right to demand fair treatment. I wouldn't make your son give any gifts back, but I would demand that your grandparents not even think of giving him anything else...and if they can't be a part of your daughter's festivities next year, let them know they don't need to be a part of your son's.

Try and help them realize how much they are hurting all of you.

Demand away, they should know how you feel. I did someting similar and Because my father in law was completely ingoring my chilren in favor of his new girlfriend. I told him exactly how I felt and he just started doing things right. He hasn't explained yet but he sure went all out for Christmas. (Its not that I wanted extravagance, I just hate favoritism.)

I just had this happen over Christmas. I have 2 girls from a previous marriage, and my husband and I have a girl together. On Christmas Day, my middle girl was with her dad, my oldest went with her boyfriend, and the youngest and my husband went to his parents. I was unable to go because I had to work. When my husband came home that evening, he had his arms full of presents for the youngest. I asked what the other 2 girls got, and he said nothing. Not a card, or anything. I told him it would have been quite embarassing if we had all been able to go. He never said one word to his parents about this!
I have had a stepmother since I was 3 and her family treated me the same as all the other grandkids. So, I feel your frustation!
I would say, call or email and ask if it was an oversight on their part,(which it sounds like it wasn't) and you are quite offended that they do this. I would tell them that if they can't attend parties in your daughters honor, then they needn't attend any parties. It might sound harsh, but maybe it might give them the hint that your children all equal in your house.

I am amazed (and not in a good way) that your parents would ignore one of your children and shower the other with gifts. Is this culturally based? Or just quirks unique to your parents? If this was just unique to your parents (not some huge cultural conditioning), if I were in your shoes I would probably say something like, "It is important that our children be treated with equal respect and kindness, especially by family! That you choose to ignore our daughter and favor our son is disturbing."

I'm not sure how I would go about it from there... I'd definitely discuss it with my husband, but we'd probably be throwing around ideas like:

* really limiting the time the children are around them (like to a very, very small amount and not on birthdays)

* requiring that any gifts for your children be given to you first before being distributed, and make it clear that equal recognition is required - so, no gifts for daughter from them? well, no gifts for son from them, either (and that's not meant in a petulant way, but personally, I wouldn't *want* any gifts like that in my home - they're icky when given under such circumstances of blatant favoritism)

* any monetary gifts from them, simply split in 1/2 and give equally to each child (your parents might not do that, but you certainly can)

I don't know... it just seems so... incredibly unusual and unkind to play favorites between grandchildren. And *NOT* a behavior I'd want modeled for my children. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you are able to come to a point where this is no longer an issue.

I'm a little shocked that they would so blatenly choose between your children If it were me i'd tell the that if they can show the same affection to both children then you would prefer they not show any. And as far as refusing your sons presents I say if they again get your daughter nothing then send them back and say "thanks but no thanks" thats not so much hurting your son (whom I'm sure gets plenty of gifts if he's like my kids) but more so in the next couple of years as your daughter grows and senses a difference her feelings will come more into play. Maybe you also need to sit down and figure out why they "dont" like your daughter. Seems there's something deeper going on.

Hope this helps!
C.

I have to agree with almost everyone woman's response on this page! You need to set some boundaries! My daughter is the first born grandchild in my husband-to-be's family. And to add to it, she is born of my future-mother-in-law's favorite son...her first born! So my daughter gets a little too much attention and a little too many gifts in my opinion.
However, your parents have taken it to the extreme! Be sure to make it plain and clear- Presents must be bought for BOTH children, or your son will NOT recieve them. Chelsea will begin to pick up on this. Shes going on 3 and children are VERY receptive to the things around them. Make it known S., that this is not acceptable! That is your perogative and responsibility as a mother! Good Luck Sweetie!! And I hope it all works out for you!

I would say something to the effect of "We would love it if you could come to BOTH birthday parties this year and I am sure BOTH children would appreciate it. Don't feel you need to get them gifts, your presence is gift enough." I believe that would get the point across. Good Luck

I was treated the same way growing up by my grandparents and honestly you never forget something like that. They favored my cousin who is 8 years older than I am and I can remember as far back to about 4. This may actually seem a little immature, but I come from a pretty immature family who doesn't respond to what "normal" people respond to. I would actually buy your daughter an extra gift and wrap it up and make it from them. Only give it to her if they don't bring a gift and when she opens it make it a point for your daughter to thank them for the lovely gift. Maybe they will get the hint. If not then have a talk with them.

Hello S.. Wow, how strange. I can't understand why they are playing favorites. I don't think you should give back the gifts, your son won't understand. I think you and your husband should have a gentle and nice talk with them. What ever you say make sure it's not in an attacking way, they won't take it the way you want them to. They need to respect each child as an individual and you and your spouse as their parents. It's really sad that they have forgotten that each child needs to feel loved. As far as gifts, you might just request if asked, one gift for the whole family such as zoo passes, aquarium passes, or something else of that sort. I am sorry you are going through this. I went through this as the child that was forgotten about, it did hurt my feelings as a child when I was old enough to be aware of it. Of course you get over it, but it does leave an impression in your life. I hope this might be of some help to you. Good luck!! Happy New Year!

S.,

Send them an invitation to your daughter's party. Remember that love is not about getting gifts. Do not demand that anyone get gifts for either of your children. Have a nice party for your little girl, give her the gifts you want, and stop making a big deal out of the favoritism or she will start absorbing your attitude. Do NOT make your son give gifts back, just to punish him because he is the favorite. It's not his fault. Realize that people throughout life will treat your children differently, but you need to try for balance. Just make each birthday special in its own way, and love your kids. Don't bother trying to control other people's behavior.

K.