My daughter is 10, and she is too embarrassed to call the 10 year old girl who lives a couple of blocks away. She doesn't know this girl very well, but they always enjoy playing together when they see each other at neighborhood events. They have also played together at birthday parties and playdates at the houses of other children. Should I call the parents to try to set up playdates...or should I encourage my daughter to make the phone calls herself? These are not the formal "playdates" where parents attend. We're talking more about two neighborhood friends playing in the backyard.
Thanks for all the advice! Nice perspectives. I ended up making the phone call to the parents, but the girl wasn't available. When she called my daughter back later, my daughter handled the call just fine. I think it was the idea of talking to the parents that intimidated her.
Oh, and I should have let folks know that we do know the parents. We have hung out with them at neighborhood bonfires and dinner parties, and the kids have trick-or-treated together. Still, I guess it's scary to talk to grown-ups sometimes. :)
Call the mom and ask for Susie to come over. My daugher is also very shy and needs a little help. Once she gets comfortable with Susie's home it will be easier for her to take the initiative.
At 10 I think it is fine for you to initially call the other parent as a "get-to-know-you" call and then to have your daughter get on the phone with the other girl and chat for awhile and see if they can set up a time to get together. I was extremely shy about talking on the phone all through my childhood and teen years. But my mom found little situations where I could practice getting used to it. The act of dialing and being unsure of who would actually be at the other end of the line when there was an answered terrified me. So by starting out with you dialing and "setting up" for the 2 girls to talk on the phone is a reasonable way to start. Then have situations where your daughter can call family members herself and get used to the way to start a conversation with whomever answers.
Milasmama,
I think you should call and see if she can come over. Your daughter is only 10 and does not know the other girl very well....plus it would be nice to meet and talk to the other mom. I always liked to meet the other mom. After you meet a few time then I would encourage you daughter to call herself.
D.
I'd give her a script:
"Hi, this is so-n-so, I was hoping Suzy could come play, is she there?
"Hi Suzy, this is so-n-so, I have some fun things over here, can you come play, right now, few, hours, tomorrow?"
NO -OK, is there a time that works for you?
Yes, great! Can't wait to see you.
You can practice with her too, have her call your mobile number. It's never too early to start practicing social skills.
The first few times I would call and talk to the parent to set it up. It will make your dd feel more comfortable, plus it will give you a chance to talk to the parents and get to know them better - plus you can say something like "send your dd over any time to play with mine" or something like that.
S.
I think that while you should talk with the parents in order to get to know them (my parents knew all the parents of all of my friends when I lived at home) your daughter should be the one to invite the girl over to play. I'm going to use a scenario from a movie: Titanic (the 1997 version w/ Leonardo DiCaprio):
Kate Winslet's character's fiancee orders her dinner for her (lamb) then asks her if she likes lamb; the woman playing Molly Brown (Kathy Bates) asks him if he's going to cut her meat for her too.
If we do everything for our children once they are old enough to do it themselves, then they'll never learn how to do it on their own; if the girl says that she doesn't want to play, the rejection will be hard, but it is unfortunately a part of life. I understand all about being shy; I'm shy too and I'm 27; it takes me a while to get comfortable enough around most people to look them in the eye. Good luck!
Hi!
I don't think you making the first contact is such a bad idea. Hopefully you will meet the girl's mom/dad and get a feel for them--meaning, making sure your daughter is safe at their home if she were to go over there. But, after this, I would say your daughter is on her own. Kids are so afraid of rejection. I wish her and you good luck.
B.
i dont see anything wrong with making the calls for her, especially the first few times. :) she might be more comfortable with it after a couple times.
When I was a kid - I wasn't shy, but I had a true phoebe of initiating phone calls - especially if I didn't know the other person answering. (receptionist at Dr.'s office, employee answering a pizza places phone...)
It's funny, b/c noone would ever imagine this was EVER a challenge for me, but from preteen through my teenage years (and sometimes even now!) it was a real challenge. I'm outgoing, talkative, and one of those "leaders", yet this was an issue. Maybe it was self esteem issues, maybe it was just the fear of being embarrassed or something, but my point - is that I felt seriously traumatized, b/c my parents would set me up and force me to make these calls. They thought it was ridiculous and that it didn't fit my personality and they refused to "enable" this fear.
SO, i'm routing for your daughter. DO her a favor and help her out. Remove the threat of social awkwardness and arrange some play dates. HOpefully they will become better friends and she will desire and find joy from using the phone on her own at a later time.
My oldest son who is 7 gets embarrassed about stuff like that, but I really feel it's an important part of preparing for successsful adulthood. I usually try to meet him half way. Example: He wanted a refill in his cup when we ate out the other night and he wanted me to ask the waitress because he was too embarressed. I told him I would get the waitress's attention for him, but if he wanted more to drink he needed to do the asking. It helped him to stretch outside his comfort zone, but it wasn't asking too much of him.
My 8 year old daughter sometimes gets nervous about asking new friends from school over, so we roleplay the scenario first. I pretend to be her friend's mom and her friend and she practices calling and inviting until she feels comfortable doing it for real.
I believe that expecting children to be independent in these kinds of ways helps them see that we have faith in their abilities. If we do things for them all the time, I believe it undermines their confidence. But just telling them to do something without giving them the tools to be successful doesn't work either. It's important to come up with a plan with appropriate words and phrases, practice roleplaying scenarios (If someone else answers the phone, you say this. If your friend says this, you say that.) Even if they totally trip over the conversation - and my children have - they learn that the world doesn't come to an end, they learned something from the experience, and they will do that much better the next time.
Good luck,
S.
I think the first contact should be done by you. I do not think as a mom I would allow my child to go to someone's house without meeting, or speaking to a parent. I understand you wanting your daughter to be assertive, however I am sure once you break the ice for her she will be more comfortable to arrange future visits on her own.
Let her know that it's OK to be embarrassed. Lots of people feel embarrassed when they try something new. You could ask her what she thinks will happen if she makes the call, and help her to look at the various possible outcomes and get comfortable with them. This is a time to do what they say in the parenting course at the Option Institute: "Love, guide, and let go." Don't make the call for her, and don't push her to do it. She'll do it when she wants it enough. This is developing a way to deal with many, many situations that will be coming up in the next few years. If she knows she has your love and support, AND she knows you won't do it for her, she'll grow up strong and self-confident. It might take her longer than you want, but in the long run she'll be healthier if she does it in her own time.
First contact is not bad for you to do... that way both parents feel comfertable letting the girls play together. You never know you might be helping her to find her life long best friend... personaly I would make the first call & let things go from there. They maybe both scard to call & both sets of parents unsure how to handle the situation.
I think it's a toss up; on the one hand, I think it's important that the moms know each other--or at least trust each other enough to have kids playing at each other's house. Perhaps you initiating the contact isn't bad, but I also believe that kids should learn to speak up for themselves. I have sometimes offered to take my 5 yo son with me to talk to a child he's too shy to speak to; once I spit out the first few words, he's so excited he takes over. He's learning. :) I don't think it's "babying" her too much if you initiate, as long as you also are teaching her phone skills and the social skills necessary to make friends on her own as well. (ie, Don't hover with the girl comes over; your daughter will probably handle that on her own. )
