Should I Let My 12 Yr. Old Express Her Style on Easter?

She needs to be allowed to wear what she likes but it is OK to set a few expectations for the occasion. I say you and her go shopping. Let her find pieces that are festive for the occasion but are still things she likes. She may not like light spring florals but she may find a darker floral she likes for instance. One of my favorite tops I wore for Easter a couple year back was dark pink, black and white big huge rose florals with black outline skulls mixed in. My family didn't even notice the skulls until I pointed it out. It became a hit in the end! Instead of black nails, maybe let her get some of those wraps in a darker floral pattern or even simple roses which is very goth while lightening things up. A pair of brighter or patterned leggings to go with a shirt or dress.
I've done the full goth thing, I still like goth stylings. There are ways to dress it up and lighten it up for special occasions and not freak out the normals.

I would have her adhere to your normal holiday dress standards. One of my kids wears shorts year-round. Literally - even in winter, even when it's 8 degrees. But for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and any other family gatherings? He puts on pants, because it's appropriate. My SD doesn't wear pants or shorts unless they are so tight that they adhere to every inch of skin, or skirts unless they are mid-thigh or higher. Holidays? A pair of straight-leg dress pants or a knee-length skirt with tights or leggings.

It's not really about your family judging her, it's about learning to be flexible and understanding that "expressing oneself" doesn't excuse not dressing appropriately for a given occasion. We don't wear swimwear to church, we don't dress to go skiing when we're on a beach vacation, we don't go Goth on Easter. She doesn't have to wear a frilly pink dress, but should wear something fairly neutral (a grey or white top with a black skirt or pants is fine), tasteful, neutral makeup, normally styled hair, and something other than black on her nails. A family Easter gathering isn't the time to be "all about me" and draw attention to her appearance.

FWIW my sisters and I all did the Goth thing in high school. We all cleaned it up for family gatherings.

Oh, the fun of struggling with a tween/teen who wants individuality! You have to find a balance between getting her to consider others' feelings and what her style may imply as disrespect (whether she intends it that way or not), and what squashing her personal style says about others being unnecessarily judgmental. You say she doesn't care what others think - but I think most kids really DO care and they're trying to find their own way.

I think it's helpful to try to put others' judgment of YOU aside if you can (I know that's hard especially with in-laws). Not sure why they would judge you more harshly than your husband - it's part of the old attitude of making the mother in charge of all things fashionable.

I'm not sure where you draw the line most of the time - you say her Goth look is okay if she does what you and her dad say in daily life. Does this mean that she obeys other rules and does chores, or do you regulate her "look" in her daily life as well? Sometimes making too big a deal out of a phase like hair and make-up makes a kid rebel even more, and trying to ignore it is a better tack.

Can you compromise? If she's already rebelling against frilly stuff, does she have to wear "spring colors" to the grandparents' house? Can she do something more toned down? Can you allow things like coloring the ends of the hair blue and some make-up, in exchange for not doing something more extreme? If her clothing is appropriately dressy for the occasion (no rips, no tears, no denim, whatever the rules are), maybe it does't need to be pastel or floral? Can she find a nice dark red or maroon instead of funereal black for the nails? What about the neutrals suggested below, maybe a skirt with leggings?

Then practice some responses if you do get criticism, like "She's exploring her style" or "The surest way to get a young teen to dig in her heels is to critique her publicly." Or "She spent a lot of time trying to look special - let's tell her we appreciate that she tried." Then change the subject. If Grandma wants to ruin the day and make your daughter hate coming over there by telling her that she looks like a tart or like death warmed over, she'll have to recognize that she's making the child miserable through criticism, at least as miserable as the child will be if she's wearing pastels. It's a trade off.

Mine also likes the "goth" look, but we have boundaries. Most especially the black eyeliner. I don't allow it - she's too young. (Just turned 14 last week.) I do allow the black nail polish and the dark clothing. She hasn't tried to do anything with her hair yet.

If it were me, I would let her wear what she wants, including her black nail polish, but the make-up would be way toned down and perhaps the hair as well. To me, it's a matter of respect for her grandparents.

My 2nd daughter was goth and really I didn't care about it. Her style, her hair, her make up, her jewelry weren't my style but she was a kid trying to figure out who she was and I was ok with it. She was a good person with a unique style and it was a phase.

Let her be who she is and if anyone in the family make comments about it let them know that she's figuring things out and what's presented on the outside doesn't change the person she is inside.

Her clothes, her choice.
And I'm a tatted, pierced grandmother with electric blue hair.

My mom used to let us pick a few options and she'd decide which of those would work best as she put it.

I was a little out there, and she allowed me to express my style, within moderation. There's a picture of our family in our hallway at home - everyone in puffed sleeves and pastels, and me looking completely androgynous. But I still fit in ok.

My friends with kids with low cut tops and pants that show everything do this with theirs. Seems to go over ok. They just pick the least likely to shock the grandparents. It's a compromise.

I wouldn't worry about being judged. They will no matter what if they are the type to. Your daughter is same person no matter what the hair and makeup. Their loss if they can't see that.

I would let her have her 'style' with the modifications you are comfortable with. I would also let the grandparents know her new style. Ask them not to respond in a negative way, funny maybe but not negative. 'Wow you like Morticia Addams .. etc.
If she gets too much criticism she will feel the need to defend her 'look' and may continue longer than she intended.
I feel this too is a phase. Tweens are discovering who they are and how they relate in this world. Give her a safe place to explore herself. Hopefully by the time she is 18 she will know who she is and what she really wants in life.

Dark clothes ok but normal hair, nails and no make up. Don't want to stress out the older generation for no reason. lol JMO Good luck

I would let her wear what she wants, as long as her body is covered appropriately (no crop tops or off the shoulder, etc). Since it's just going to be at someone's house, you don't need to worry about her clothing being appropriate for the location (i.e. church or a nice restaurant). I'm sure people in the family will question/judge, but don't let that bother you. This is probably a phase she will grow out of and it's best to let her do so at her own pace.

If the blue hair is not allowed at school, you can veto that. Otherwise, I'd just let her go for it.

It's Easter - not Halloween.
We dress for the occasion.
For school, we dress for school.
For work, we dress for work.
For weddings and funerals and family gatherings - we dress nicely and don't wear costumes.
I'd tell her to save her style for another time.

What's your husband's opinion? Sounds like you are going to a get together with his family. My two cents: I would let your daughter own her style.

Think of the fun photos for future generations to look at. Is that GRANDMA IN BLACK??? WITH ALL THAT MAKEUP!!! And she won't let me wear lip gloss when I'm at her house???

I think she's a young woman. Just because she wants to wear darker colors and do interesting things to her hair isn't a reason to force her to wear something plain to this event. BUT if you feel strongly you could ask her and see if she would be willing to wear regular clothes and give her a reward for complying, such as that black lipstick she's been saving for or the hair tip color she really wants. Make it about having fun and not about "you're so different that you need to conform". Just fun to dress up and earn a treat she really wants.

This is probably the LAST year you'll be able to pull that off.

I think it is important for kids to develop their own style. But I also think it is important for kids to learn how to dress appropriately for the situation. Our society holds people to certain standards in certain situations (job interviews, funerals, church, weddings). I see nothing wrong with blue ends on her hair or dark makeup. But I would talk with her about the difference between "daytime" makeup/hair and "evening" makeup/hair. There is a big difference between daytime wear and evening wear, but sometimes you can make the switch by just switching up accessories or taking off a cardigan.

Does she need to dress in pastels and wear an Easter bonnet? Definitely not. Is all black appropriate? Maybe not. But maybe a bright scarf with a black dressy dress is ok. Or a muted color with her "goth" jewelry. Maybe you can take her shopping (even to a consignment shop) and help her pick out something that is her style, but would still meet the standards her grandparents might have.