My daughter who is in 1st grade is an EXTREMELY shy little girl! She has always taken a long time to warm up to others and barely even talks at school. I just had a conference with her teacher today and she said she is doing wonderful academically, but that she was a little concerned about her socially because she is still playing at recess all by herself. The teacher now has started telling other kids to go play with her so she is basically trying to intervene a bit in helping her socialize with others.
So I talked with her at home about this and she immediately started crying. She said that she does not have any friends at all and that she is too scared to talk to them. Also, she told me a story how one time she did talk to a girl and the girls response was "Wow, you talk!" and then she just kept staring at her until she talked again. Now of course, this more than likely completely shut her down and made her even more introverted than she already is. And she actually told me that this is why she does not like to talk to kids now. So I am wondering if I should just leave things alone and see how it goes in a couple of months once she gets more comfortable with the kids or should I actually do something?
So far, I have tried roleplaying with her at home some social scenarios, but it's not that she doesn't know how to go up to another kid and ask them to play, it's that she truly feels anxious about having to do this. She told me she gets very nervous when she has to talk to other kids. I could try playdates as well with some of the kids in her class. But the problem with that is that I do not live in the same area as the other kids. She just attends there because I happen to work at the school.
Does anyone have any other suggestions?
Play dates on the weekends would be a must. She needs one-on-one time with another little girl. Perhaps her teacher could suggest one that she thinks will be easy going and sweet. She's just overwhelmed.
I'd ask the teacher to select your daughter for something that the other kids find interesting. I wouldn't have the teacher announce anything or call your daughter up in front of the class, but when I was teaching I found it very effective to take a child like your daughter and get started on a project, then notice who was looking on, and invite that child into the project. Then I'd let the 2 kids work together, excuse myself and tell them to keep working and I'd be back shortly. If there was a problem getting this off the ground, I came back, but otherwise I'd just come near, say, "Looks like you two are doing great work" and move on. If I needed to get an aide, a student teacher, or the principal involved to help run the other half of the class while I worked in the corner, I did so.
I think that makes more sense than having the teacher ask kids at recess to play with your daughter. That will happen naturally after your daughter gets a chance to work in her area of confidence/ability, which is the classroom academic programs.
I'd lay off the roleplaying for now - it's probably putting too much pressure on her. If the situation at school doesn't follow the "script" you tried at home, your daughter may feel more at a loss of how to proceed.
I think a large class can be overwhelming for some kids so if the teacher has it set up in stations for small group work, that would be ideal. If it makes sense for other reasons to move some seats around just to mix up the social groups and pairings, the teacher could do that as well. But it absolutely should not be just moving your daughter! And I agree she should avoid the "Wow, you talk" kid. There's always a smart mouth in the class and it's best to let your daughter work up to that kid.
And yes, you would benefit from setting up play dates no matter what's involved. Meet another parent and child at the park or someplace neutral rather than the home if that's easier.
My girls were shy too. Since I was shy as a kid and hated that about myself I was determined they would not be shy. Today at 11 and 16 both my girls are outgoing. My 16 yo was nominated Miss Congeniality last year and my 11 yo was Annie in the production of Annie. She also sang in a talent show in front of over 1,000 people this summer.
How I did it... I never spoke for them. At a restaurant they had to order their own food. (Once my daughter wanted dessert but she was so soft spoken the server didn't hear her. I told her to speak up. She didn't. Although I felt rotten not helping her it taught her a very valuable lesson and she always spoke up from that day forward.). When we go to the doctor or dentist, they had to tell the receptionist who they were. When we went to a craft or toy store I always had them ask a clerk what isle XYZ was in. The thing that brought them out of their shell more than anything however was enrolling them in drama class. We have a program near us called Drama Kids that was outstanding but any kind of drama class will help. Also, keep role playing with her and get her involved in activities near your house so she can develop local friendships.
My older sister was like that. Very very quiet and extremely painfully shy. To say she was a wallflower was putting it mildly. My mom did what you want to do - step in and help out. But I don't feel like that was the best for my sister. Mom would push my sister into playdates and birthday parties and my sister would be MISERABLE. Noone would make fun of her but they would avoid her because she was so quiet.
Ever since I can remember my sister never felt the need for constant chatter. She was always ok with never talking or minimal talking. She would rather listen and observe.Granted, her feelings got hurt sometimes because she was often left out of things, but tbh she always got over it. For instance, if some of her friends went to the mall without inviting her she would say "it would have been nice to be invited but honestly, I would have told them no anyway".
I remember her following me around and just sit in the background if my friends came over, listening and laughing along sometimes. Even if me and my friends ignored her, she would still sit there until she got bored and left the room.
She has a few BFFs who are sweet and good and kind. She is happily married to the funniest guy and has amazing children who are NOT shy nor quiet (I should know, I have babysat for them often).
I really admire her. She is one of my heroes. She is honest. She isn't shallow and silly. She is strong, funny and super intelligent. And she is gorgeous, not that that has anything to do with anything, but I believe with all my heart her beauty is from within. I'm so proud of her. And she is one of the most trustworthy and loyal person I can ever have in my life. I can't say the same for most of my chatterbox and socially popular friends in my life. I love being with her because we can sit for hours together and not speak and I still know how much she loves me and accepts me.
And she never tried to beat me up or scare me or tease me unconditionally like my other older siblings did. And for that she is the best sister in the world!
So there is hope for your daughter. Some kids don't need a lot of friends. Some kids don't even need to talk. She WILL connect with the human race in her own time, and in her own comfort zone. just keep cultivating a good heart in her and one day she will be someone's BFF and someone will be hers.
hth
Surely there's a girl in her class that the teacher can (with parental approval) buddy up with your girl.
In 1st grade, the teacher enlisted my son ( after calling me & getting the green light) to draw our another little boy.
I ( along with the teacher) just explained this boys shyness, sense if isolation to my son and he was game.
My son would often pick him for a partner & ask him to sit near him at lunch, etc.
Worked like a charm!
But the teacher needs to pick the right girl--NOT the "Wow--you talk!" type.
Please heed the posts suggesting that you ask the teacher to find a friendly but low-key girl to buddy up with your daughter. When my daughter was in pre-K, the teacher asked her to help a shy new girl get used to things in their class. This worked out so well for them both. It does need to be a girl who will not announce, "The teacher told me to be friends with you" etc., so your daughter doesn't feel like she's someone's chore.
Does your daughter do better with adults than with new kids? Is she tending to cling to the teacher somewhat, or at least to stick near her? The teacher could give her some small responsibility to be all hers for a time -- many teachers have specific classroom chores assigned by the day or week, and maybe if your child's turn hasn't come yet, the teacher could bump her up the roster so she has a classroom responsibility sooner. Handing out papers to the other kids, or other chores that would have her face to face with classmates for a few moments, could help.
I also second the idea of play dates -- strongly. You will have to make an effort to do this, but it's important. She may flourish one on one with other kids -- some people just do better one on one than in a group setting.
Does she talk at ALL about any other kids in her class? Any positive reports from her at all about anyone who seems nice? You need to draw her out about that and then ask her if she'd like to see Sally all by herself. One good way to start is to arrange with a parent of one child for you, the parent and both girls to all go out for ice cream directly after school one day, just a short outing. Going out for a short time, with an activity to focus on, gets the girls together outside school time yet does not come with any expectations that they must play together; being told "You have to play now" can pressure some kids too much. Then move on, maybe the next week, to a play date where you meet in a park, then move up after that to one at home. (Is your child going to be uncomfortable or anxious in someone else's home? If so, start at your own house, then maybe the next play date is at the friend's house--with you staying through the first visit.)
It does not matter that she does not live near the other kids. As she gets older that would not matter anyway. You will have to make an effort to get to know her classmates' parents.
Also, if she is truly anxious, please be certain to talk to the school counselor in detail. Go now, don't wait. The counselor should have a lot of ideas for you on how to help her and when to hold back and let her find her own way. See the counselor alone, just you (and dad if possible), at first. The counselor might want to see your daughter a few times. Some counselors do weekly lunches where they invite small groups of kids to have lunch in their offices; many kids see it as a treat and a privilege, and it gives the counselor a chance to facilitate some interaction among the kids. Suggest that, if your daughter would find it beneficial.
you need to put forth the effort to arrange play dates with her classmates, even though it means driving a ways. Been there, done that. It's important.
My daughter was very shy. When we moved it got really bad. We worked with a therapist to help with her anxiety. We told her to pick one girl that seemed nice and compliment her on something. If she was receptive then ask her to be friends. For lunch we told her to find a girl a head of time and ask if she could eat with her. If the girl says no then move to the next one. Same with recess. It took a while but she finally got the hang of it.
Aw poor thing! On the one hand, of course it's fine to be an introvert, or shy, but on the other hand it sounds like she would like to connect more with other kids and needs some guidance.
Since play dates are hard, just take her to the park, the pool, etc, anyplace where she can mix and mingle with other kids.
How about signing her up for something like a kids art or cooking class, music, gymnastics/dance, Girl Scouts, team sports like soccer or maybe even an individual sport like tennis? Just expose her to others who share her interests, and try to have kids over as often as it works out. Sometimes it just takes experience and practice to fine tune those social skills!
