Hi! My husband's cousin just had a baby, and a baby shower is planned. My son was born seven months ago. Originally, family members were talking about having a shower a month or two before the birth, but I turned it down because my mother was dying of cancer. She died a month and a half before my little guy was born.
In any case, my husband's cousin, (who will be having a shower to which everyone will be invited) though she was pregnant at the time of my son's birth, didn't bother to buy a gift for our little one or even send a card. (Money wouldn't be an issue). My husband's aunt and uncle (her parents) brought a $3.99 bouquet of carnations to the hospital, but that was the extent of it. A few of my husband's extended relatives did give small gifts.
It's not that we NEED gifts for our little one -- we're fortunate enough to be able to buy everything he needs. It just annoys me that I will be expected to buy a nice gift, and that people will talk about me if I don't, when the same people didn't seem to care about our son's arrival. If the births had been further apart, I'd probably forgive it and go. But they weren't. Normally, I LOVE buying gifts, but buying a gift for this one would hold little pleasure for me. The same cousin was married last year, and I helped out a great deal with her shower, in addition to purchasing a nice gift.
Truthfully, I think the cousin is just clueless, and accustomed to her parents covering her gift-giving obligations for her. The thing is, she's about 30.
My husband and I are thinking of just sending a nice card to congratulate them.
What do you think?
Thanks for you advice, everyone! I really appreciate it. Still not sure what to do though -- probably will "make nice" as usual and just do it.
I think many of you are right -- the whole issue has brought up a lot of emotional stuff for me. I've been teary five times in the past two days. I never was able to grieve properly -- I ended up at the hospital two days after my mother died with signs that I was going into premature labour. I had to take a week off of work and stay calm. Thankfully, my son was born safely a month and a half later.
As for the shower, it was my husband's stepmother and SIL who were talking about having it. Not only would the actual event have been around the time of my mother's death, but my father in law was telling my husband that they were going to be contacting my mother so she would know what to bring to the shower in terms of food. At that point, my mother was confined to her bed. Hearing about their plans, I asked my husband to tell them to cancel it.
My little guy is all the more special to me because we had to wait such a long time to have him. I had a partial molar pregnancy that forced us to wait a year before trying again, so my little one was 2 1/2 years in the making. Unfortunately, my mother never got to see him.
I guess it was hard to hear my husband's cousing blithely talking about the shower she was going to have (a mere three months into her pregnancy, and shortly after my little guy was born).
And yes, she is clueless rather than intentionally rude. I went with her to some yard sales a few years ago, and she completely embarrassed me by talking loudly about the "junk" that people were selling (with them standing there!) Sometimes I wonder, though, if she needs to be "clued in".
As for people not knowing to do around grief, well, it seems like the world falls apart when anyone passes away on my husband's side of the family. I've attended prayer services for my husband's aunts' family members, even when I don't know them. Part of my husband's family was upset when one of our wedding-related events five years ago (scheduled long in advance, and the venue booked and paid for) fell on the 40th day after his uncle's death.
Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter. I'm always into giving gifts (and so often when they're not expected), that I guess I'm being mean-spirited by thinking I shouldn't buy something for this cousin and her baby. While I love the idea about a charitable contribution, I would take far too much evil delight in making that contribution. Maybe I'll just take a bunch of food over in the next few days and just skip the shower. In the first few weeks, food was what I really wanted anyway. Teddy bears and onesies just didn't delight me much in my sleep-deprived state.
Thanks, everyone, for the advice.
You could make a contribution to a charity for kids in her child's name. Then you're really doing something for someone else and there's no way she can complain about it. good luck
Ahh in-laws. Go to big lots, buy a cute and cheap toy and be the bigger person. This could all go away for about 15 bucks, luv big lots.
Hope this helped, my in-laws do mindless stuff all the time.
As long as you do the right thing that's all that matters. Even though you didn't receive a gift from these people, You be the bigger person and give a good gift. What goes around comes around.
Hmmm ... I think a family outing was already planned for that date and time and you are sorry but you will be unable to attend the shower!.. at least that is what i would do. A card would be a nice gesture.
Many [[[hugs]]] to you. I understand how painful losing your mother is. That your family didn't support you more after she passed and surrounding your child's birth is sad. Because a shower wasn't appropriate, during that hard time in your life, doesn't mean that your precious baby's birth should have been ignored. I am so sorry that this happened to you.
If your cousin's actions make you feel this slighted, please don't go to the shower. Showers are optional. Visit her at the hospital when her baby is born and bring a small gift to your new 2nd cousin.
Hope you feel happier soon.
It's the weirdest thing, what a clear mental tally I have of those who sent presents to honor and welcome my child, and those who did not. It has changed the way I feel about all of the people in my life. Having a baby is such a big deal -- but I don't think I knew that before I had a child? How many did I neglect to honor myself before I became aware??
Definitely do right by this cousin. Since her baby is so new, she is probably still in the weepy phase and receiving a gift in the mail will cheer her up.
Hopefully, she will honor your child at his/her first birthday, and make it up to you.
We all need extra love and support as we raise our children. There may be times up ahead, where you or your baby need family. Do your best to keep family close.
Bless you.
I think you should still give a gift. Honestly it seems a little high school - ish to not give someone a gift ONLY because they didn't give you one. Be the better person and give a gift (remember the gift is not for her, it's for the baby) and go to the shower and enjoy yourself.
You are probably at a very emotional time in your life, with a new baby and the recent passing of your mother. Thats a lot of life changes at once and some heavy heavy feelings to go along with. I think this is coloring your decision making at this point.
Just let it go. Had you gone ahead with having a shower, I am sure you would have gotten a ton of gifts and felt fine about this. Remember that was your choice (and a truly understandable one at the time) to not have a shower. Sometimes it is hard for people to generate excitement and presents without a formal occasion to do so. I know that's how it is in my family- we are not present-giving people, or spontaneoius with the thoughtful gifts. But if there is an actual event, people pull out all the stops.
Just do as you would normally do and get the gift. Don't be vengeful or spiteful. If you really aren't feeling the love, just pick something simple and useful for the baby's needs and don't break the bank on it.
And you're right, sounds like the cousin is just clueless. Keep in mind, people may be keeping you at arms length right now because they are unsure of how to handle the grief aspect of it. perhaps they are toning down the excitement because they don't want to be disrespectful to the sorrow of your mother's passing. People are funny you know, they don't know how to act around people who are grieving.
Love love LOVE that little baby of yours, let all the rest of this stuff just roll on by.
Hi I think you should do whatever you will be comfortable with ! I think a card is a nice idea ! I wouldn't buy some elaborate gift with the thought it will keep them from talking about you . . I have 4 grown children and 3 grand children and I'm sure I got talked about pleanty in my life from all sides . . . . And I didn't care ! Remember go with your heart Good Luck and Be Safe !! :) And I'm so sorry about your mom ! :(
Remember that this is about the BABY, not its parents or grandparents. And you're right, some people are just clueless, and there's nothing you can do about it.
There's nothing wrong with an inexpensive or practical gift - diapers & wipes, or a basket of baby bath, shampoo and powder, or a photo frame, or a personalized family tree printed out of your computer (on nice paper) or something similar. Of course, there's also nothing wrong with a card.
Just make sure whatever you do is done in the spirit of being the better person. Holding grudges will make you miserable but not touch anyone else. You will always be connected to these people in some way. And it's never wise to turn gift giving into a contest.
Be the bigger person and get her a gift. It's hard not to analyze it the way that you are (the average person would!) but don't let yourself drop to that level. You mention you can afford it so just do it. You are being petty getting them a card. Maybe she's planning on getting a really good 1st b-day gift. Who knows? But again...giving is not about what you've received. Think of it as it's for the child. My advice is to be the bigger person.
The gift is for the baby not the mother. Its not the baby's fault that people cover up for her gift giving.
So I would get the baby a gift and a card and if you don't want to be there for the shower,ship it, then you know in your hearts that you did something nice for the baby, and if you get a thank you then that's a plus, if you don't that's ok also we all teach our children it is better to give than recieve, it sounds like we as adults need a reminder of that from time to time. To tell you the truth I would loved the flowers more than anything else cause it shows she took the time to pick them out. To me homemade and God grown is the best it shows that the person took the time to make it or or pick them out (the flowers I mean).
Think back at this time when you child brings you his hand print from school pressed in clay and you get you 1st mothers day card he made.
Its not the size of the gift or how much was spent it is the thought.
If you attend the shower, you should buy a gift. If you had been able to have a shower, she'd have brought a gift, right?.
If you don't go, but you visit the baby later, you could just bring food.
Otherwise a card is a nice gesture.
Don't stiff the baby because the cousin is clueless. Take the high road.
buy a nice gift, go to the shower, smile and "have a nice time" and be the bigger person. i think it'll make you feel better.
Something similar happened to me, except it was my sister inlaw! She had her baby 2 months before me. I got her a nice gift, but she didn't bother to give me one! Some people are just self-absorbed or really really stingy.
Anyway, I understand how you feel...they were extremely insensitive to your situation. Your mother died, and I am grieved for you. But like what the others are saying, be the bigger person and get your cousin a gift. Besides, it's really for the baby right? It doesn't have to be expensive (make it under $20 for sure).
Sending a card is fine and good enough, and since you AND Hubby agree on this, that is even better.
Granted, maybe "they" were not very thoughtful & "cheap" to you/your baby/Husband, but well they won't change.
Then, as far as you thinking that "you" will be expected to buy a nice gift for them... well it is not "you" giving the gift... MANY people on the gift tag will write "From: the John Smith Family" for example, since it is from the WHOLE family, to the receiver. Not just only from "you."
Just a card is enough.
My condolences to you on losing your Mom. You can still share all about her with your son as he gets older. That is what I do with my kids... since my Dad passed before my kids were born as well, and they "know" him and love him too.
All the best,
Susan
I echo the other comments. Just because the cousin is immature and doesn't behave the way that you think she should shouldn't affect your actions. Demonstate thoughtfulness and perhaps someday she will learn how to do the same (or not, but that doesn't matter). Don't worry about how much money you spend or what other people think or what you think is expected of you. Just do what you think would be special to celebrate the birth of a child, even if that is only a thoughtful card or a $3.99 bouquet of flowers. Life isn't about material stuff, it's about people and relationships.
My condolences on the loss of your mom. It just makes things like this even harder to deal with, not having her advice on what to do. I would send a nice card and letter to the baby that welcomes him/her into the world with maybe a small monetary gift, to be added to the baby's bank account. And I would definitely not attend the shower. Maybe hire a babysitter and go on a date with your husband that day. You probably could use alone time. People can be catty and you need to do what you can right now to avoid the drama. You are grieving your mom right now and being around all this drama is not good for you. You should just get their address and mail the gift to them.
Don't worry so much about what other people think or say about you. That is something you can't control. I think every family has one or two people like this. Their lives are kind of ordinary and they engage in gossip to spice things up. All it does is cause drama for other people. As a mom, you need to strive not to be around that kind of atmosphere and be a positive role model for your young son and his little cousin to emulate.
The very best to you.
We also have friends who have done the same thing for birthdays, showers, etc. But I try to let it go and just do what I would normally do (which is to buy them a present), regardless of if they reciprocate or not. You shouldn't be giving gifts if you expect something in return, you should do it because it makes you feel good to bestow that generosity on others.
Remember the Golden Rule: Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. If you feel that a gift was in order, then you should know that regardless of what they did (or did not) give you, you should still buy a gift. Set an example. Lead with love.
I am also very sorry about the loss of your mom. That must have been so hard before this wonderful moment in your life. God Bless. Have a great day.
Maybe you could think about getting a gift just for the baby. Like a teddy bear or something. I would send a gift just for him or her. You can have the store mail it to there home. That way you don't have to go to the shower and you gifted the baby. Only if your comfortable doing this. I am so sorry about your mom's passing.
Sue
I think a card is sufficient and if you want to be generous, send a small bouquet of flowers too. I completely understand where you are coming from. I lost my mom too (although it was long before I met my hubby) and what you need when you have a baby is love and support(because it is extra hard without your mom there). I can't imagine going through losing my mom while I was pregnant. That must have been extra painful and stressful. It is unfortunate that your husband's cousin/aunt/uncle couldn't be there for you. It doesn't cost much to make someone feel special. I think your hubby's family set the example for how it's done and you owe them nothing. Your finances shouldn't be judged, it is irrelevant how much money you have. By sending a card, you are already acknowledging your cousin-in-law more than she did you. You ARE being the bigger person.
Enjoy your little guy and cherish those around you that love and support you. I'm sorry you didn't get to experience the joys of a baby shower and had to experience the loss of your mother instead.
Hi. First, sorry about your mom. It must've been a very difficult time for you and your family. Now about this baby shower, it is about a baby who has noting to do with what went on. This present is for him, not for your cousin. You like to buy presents, have fun with this one too, buy a toy, and it doesn't have to be expensive. Luckily, you don't need anything for your little one. You can't do anything about the past, and much less can you change people. Let it go.
If you want to go to the shower bring a gift. A simple stuffed animal would do. You want to be a well mannered person for the sake of your child. Don't judge others.
If you don't like the new mother and don't want to go to the shower send a card.
You clearly don't want to be friends with this person, but if you do, you should be above other's problem.
B. v. O.
Thank you for sharing. Condolences on the passing of your mom. You should always do what is in your heart to do. Irrespective of what others think, say or do. You have a good heart don't lose that virtue -- It is PRICELESS!
First I noticed that the family offered to give you a baby shower but due to the sad circumstances of your mom's passing you declined -- sorry for your loss. One thing to remember is that they might have felt that you didn't want them to do anything for you. They also might have felt hurt that you didn't accept the baby shower which I guess they didn't understand how hard and sad that time was for you. I lost my mom 2 years ago and I can't imagine if I had been pregnant when it happened.
A very tough time and tough situation all the way around.
A few suggestions though:
1. Think about what your mom will advise you to do mom's advise is always good to go by.
2. If you are close to her then buy her child a nice gift and remind yourself that you are buying him/her something not the parent and then go to shower and have a great time.
3. If you aren't close then buy a nice card from yourself, your husband and son. If you don't feel that you can attend without being angry then it would be better to not attend.
Just remember that giving is better than receiving feel good that you can be the bigger person. But if you do give it doesn't have to be the biggest and best. Buy based on your heart give a gift that says love or don't give a gift at all. Because the act of giving is just that giving without expectations of receiving. So be an example for the little one no matter which way you go give freely and with much love and you will be greatly loved in returned in surprising ways.
Oh do I feel your pain on this! I think you have to take the high road, though I wouldn't go too high! Go, buy a decent gift that you have found useful as a new mom and feel free to sprinkle in once, "I know I would have found a gift like this really helpful when I had my son". Then drop it. Now I know it's a little passive/aggressive, but it would make me feel a little bit better. I never said I was perfect! :) Good luck!
Hi. I am so sorry about your mom passing. Seems like your husbands cousin is clueless. But to make it to the point, I think you should send a gift and send a nice card. That way you know in your heart that you are being the bigger person. Good luck with your own new child!!! -From one Mommy to Another!
I think you should just buy her a nice gift. Don't base what YOU do upon what someone else has done. With family, just do your best. Sometimes your kindness comes back to you, sometimes it does not. Try not to be tit-for-tat. For years my brother did not send acknowledgments of any occasion within the family. I sent gifts and cards and letters and emails. I kept in touch with his children and invited them to stay. I would take them to Disneyland, buy them things, do all sorts of things. Never did I hear a thank-you or any sort of acknowlegment from either he or his wife. One day, he said to me, you have always been so marvelous at staying in touch. I love how you keep the family together. You are so kind to my children. (I thought he hadn't noticed). Later that year, he surprised us by giving a thousand dollars to my daughter for her wedding. Just be kind, ignore bad behavior, be unfailingly polite, and be the kind of person people want to be around, come to and talk, and love each of your family for the individuals that they are. Hope this helps.
I think its always advisable to take the higher road. you will feel better about yourself if you get the gift in the long run. She does sound clueless and I think you are just hurting in general from the lack of attention you received by the unfortunate circumstances (which is understandable). Its okay to mourn that loss, but don't take it out on your family with passive aggressive behaviors. I think it would be more therapeutic for you to talk about your hurt feelings with a family member than to act out.
Dear EB:
First of all, for your own sake and that of your child, you must forgive this thoughtless cousin of yours. Then, go on.
Bring a card to your cousin's PARENTS (the flower people) congratulating them on the birth of their grandchild. They have exhibited a desire to celebrate the birth of children and deserve this special attention.
A shower gift is essentially a gift to the parents so I'd probably take nothing (since she seems to have severed the relationship). At the shower, if anyone is tacky enough to ask what you brought for the child, just say, "Oh, she and I gave each other the very same thing for our babies. She knows what I brought." Then, just give her a gentle smile so she knows you're not angry and you're not going to embarass her.
If she questions you later in private, just tell her CALMLY (your goal is to restore the relationship, not to torture her), "You picked a very difficult time to forget about me and my child. I wanted to celebrate with you and you chose not to. If it's your desire to have a close relationship with me, you need to communicate that better, both with your words and your actions." Hopefully, she'll respond at that point. You can agree to begin again.
If she doesn't respond or even notice anything, you still have an opportunity to express your love for her child directly to the child as he or she grows. As your cousin observes this, she may realize that she's fallen short in her role as an auntie to your child. You'll have given her an opportunity to grow as a person. If she ever asks forgiveness, accept it. But, don't expect her to change. Just love her as much as she's willing to accept being loved.
Best wishes,
M.
PS: I'm assuming you're going to the shower. If you aren't going, be sure to still send the card to her parents.
PPS: I really like Elizabeth's advice. EXCELLENT!
Do whatever makes you the happiest. If you and your husband have agreed on a card then send one. Gift giving should be a pleasurable event not one that will leave you feeling resentful.
We totally understand your feelings and you are allowed your frustration and annoyance. We recommend that you that the high road on this one. If you want to send or bring something useful please visit our website and look at our 1/2 hour lactation consultation. Hopefully she will get the message that Breast Fed Babies are Best Bed Babies and you will be the bearer of the best and most talked about gift there!
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Stop being silly-if money is not an issue than buy a gift. If she is clueless, then accept it-obviously your not-so stop being offended forgive and let go. Its not about "who buys presents"--if anyone is "talking" it seems to be you! Have a good time-life it too short to be resentful. Smile!!
First, my prayers to your family.
Second, do what is in your heart, not your head. Your heart will never steer you wrong. Listen to your heart. Your head tries to "keep you safe", your heart keeps you "alive".
B.
Family Success Coach
Take the high road. Be the better person. Buy a gift and make it a nice one. The gift is for the baby NOT the cousin and a sweet newborn child did not ask to be put in the middle of such a ridiculous fued. Don't take your anger out on the baby. Make it a nice gift, one you know the baby will enjoy for a long time to come.
As my mom used to always say, "We don't keep score in this family." The new little one is going to be a member of your family and essentially the gift is a token for the baby, not for the parents or for the rest of the family. Do what you feel considering the baby itself, not in regard to past history with the parents. It is quite possible that family members felt awkward giving you gifts at a time that you were also grieving and also because you declined a baby shower.
Unfortunately, I could (and have and will) go both ways on this.
On the one hand...yes, that person is clueless...however, you are not her parents...it won't do any good...you will be the one "looking bad"...you bundle of joy could feel the repercussions in the future...do you want to take that chance?
There are people in the world who don't do the "right" thing....and probably never will...no matter how many "lessons" they are taught.
On the other hand (and frankly more importantly to me)...what will you feel about yourself? How would YOU want to be treated? Do you live by "The Golden Rule"?
There seems to be support for your husbands families actions/short commings...what could will it do? Will it REALLY do "good".
Perhaps a gift that makes you happy is the way to go?
Perhaps your having recently had a child of your own and all the hormones and all the "protective mommy" feelings are coloring how you feel RIGHT NOW!
I don't have the answer for you...but, i know that i like to do what i feel i SHOULD do...more often than not...when i do the "wrong" thing...i feel bad about it or second guess it or even (perish the thought) regret it later on.
Good luck.
I completely understand where you are coming from and how that must have made you feel. That being said...you have the choice now to be the bigger person in this situation. Remember the old sayings...
"It is better to give than to receive" and "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
Just because she treated you that way doesn't mean you have to come down to her level and treat her the same way, especially since you said you usually love to do things like this. Do what you love to do...not for her sake, but for yours, because that is who you are :)
It doesn't have to be elaborate...it's the thought that counts! Good luck!
I would normally say be the bigger person in this situation and buy her a gift. But if I were you I would just send a card. Apparently for her to send a card to you was asking too much, so why should you go out of your way to buy her a nice gift when she didn't do the same for you?
I think gifts should be sent out of the kindness of your heart. Not tit for tat. If you feel they were being mean hearted by not sending one then go about your way. If you want to celebrate the arrival of their child, send a little something and know in your heart that you did the right thing. I don't know, but this sounds deeper than a gift issue, just my observation.
Here's my advice...get over yourself and buy the gift. Regardless of the reason, you turned down the shower. Yes, it would have been nice if they got you gifts, but that's not the point. You shouldn't give gifts in order to also receive them...the two acts are seperate. Celebrate the birth of this new baby your husband's cousin is having. This seems pretty simple to me.
-M
Hello,
I would have to say no, do not buy her anything and card would be just fine. Treat her with the same respect they give you. It's so unfortunate for the kids but it is just.
E.
I experienced a similar experience, only we waited, and then I lost my full term son. What I hear you saying, is that you'd rather not buy a gift, it would give you little pleasure. I suppose if you are willing to handle the aftermath than go with that.
In another direction you could buy just for the pleasure of a new life, who you will get to know and love we hope.
My best to you,
M. in San Diego
do what ever your comfortable with dont worry about what people will say when you see them be friendly andDONT WORRy A. no. hills
If you go to the shower, you have to bring a gift. If you choose not to go to the shower, it's up to you. Honestly, I would still recommend giving something. It's a minor expense (just buy a cute outfit at Carter's or something - even Ross sells really cute baby clothes) and it's worth saving the relationship for the sake of future family gatherings.
If you really don't want to put time or effort into it, I'm sure they would appreciate a gift card to BRU or Target.
If money is not an issue, take the high road and buy a gift.
You say that she was probably clueless and accustomed to her parents covering her gift-giving obligations. If that's the truth, she meant no harm to you by not sending a gift.
Obviously, it bothers you that you didn't get a gift. I would feel bad about that too. But don't let that be a reason to NOT give a gift.
Just remember...a gift is a gift.
"something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present."
Getting gifts in return really should be irrelevant to giving gifts.
Its always better to give than to recieve...I have 3 siblings who all have more than 1 child and every year for christmas no matter what I send those kids gifts. You would think that they would recipricate after 4 yrs of this. Not one of them has ever bought my 1 vhild anything for Christmas. But I will go on sending and feeling good about myself that I have done the right thing. The gitf is not for the parents it is for the child, don't punish the child because the parent is an ___ (isert whatever word you like :))
I understand how you feel. Please go ahead and buy the baby shower gift if you can. Stay blessed.
The way you see people is the way you treat them. How you treat them is what they will become. I think of this quote whenever I have trouble with my (sometimes difficult) in-laws and I find that if I apply this knowledge, it helps in a great way. Try to forgive and start anew. You'll feel better about it.
Yes just send a card and maybe a small something- i know we don't only give when we receive, but it is gauling when other people are not thoughtful but then expect you to be thoughtful. It might make her reflect upon her own lack of effort, when your baby was born at avery diffcult time. The baby is not going to know any different. I think the gift giving culture has gone mad- it should be about the thought not how much you shell out- let them talk if they are small minded enough to do thus. It was a communication to you- not bothering to even send a card so sometimes people do need to learn and giving similar treatment may just make her realise- i would send a really nice card but not bother going to the baby shower.
I am so sorry you lost your mum at the time you did- at least she will known that you were going to experience the joy of motherhood even though she did not get to meet junior.That must have been tough. You needed people being thoughtful then even more than any new mum would.
