Should I Be Worried About My Son?

I don't have a child this age, but I was a really shy kid. So shy the teacher's were concerned and had parent/teacher meetings about it. My mom put me in a few things but I just didn't like them. After the sporty stuff, and I automatically said no to dance, my mom put my in girl scouts. I loved it. You have to learn teamwork, and it really helped me make friends. There were a lot of times I went over to my new friends house to work on getting badges and stuff. I just wanted to throw that thought out there...obviously not girl scouts but boy scouts?

my son is the same way, he just turned 11, he likes his video games , to read, skateboard, etc, he is a hermit crab, but i love him and it makes me sad to see him not have many friends, i too have tried to get him involved, but it never has worked yet. there is nothing wrong with the way he is and i guess in due time it will work out, besides some of the kids out there now, im glad my son doesnt hang with them..lol

The birthday party - make sure you have activities planned that involve everyone - relay races, sack races, limbo, whatever...

My son is a great kid, but he doesn't like to have a lot of people over to hang out. He can be social, but it takes a lot of energy for him and when he's home, he likes to do things alone.

Try Boy Scouts, get him involved in band whenever your school system does it. Do NOT let him tell you that he doesn't want to do it - it's the most underrated activity ever - the kids bond and become really close. They hang out together at school and during the summers and such. You'll be amazed!! They are a group of kids who - in high school - range in age from 9th to 12th grade and they all look out for each other. It's a really really cool thing. As my daughter says, the band kids rule the school, the jocks just don't know it...

You might try karate - my son enjoyed that immensely.

YMMV
LBC

WOW I could have written your letter myself! Here we are half way through summer and my 9 year old son hasn't gotten one phone call from a friend. I told him he could call and invite one of his pals over to come swimming but he says he doesn't know their phone numbers. I told him we could look in the phone book but he just grumbles and walks away. He is not interested in sports either, spends most of his time on the computer, but does play with his 2 little brothers. I'm mostly concerned about his upcoming birthday in August. Usually we have a big cookout/party but this year we can't really afford it and it was always just my friends & their kids who are much younger than he is. I feel really bad for him & trying to keep him busy taking him to the movies, amusement park, mall, etc but I can tell he longs for the company of someone his own age. Sorry I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know he's not the only kid out there like this!

Sorry this is so long but your post obviously resonated with me. Your son sounds like ours when he was that age. I used to worry about the same things. Was he going to be a lonely person in his life?

Our son used to have a really small group of friends, with one or two he would call his best friends. I signed him up for sports (soccer, baseball, swimming) but none of them were really his thing. We also tried a children's chorus and piano lessons, but those weren't his thing either. He loved a children's theater, which was two weeks each summer, but he has aged out of that at this point.

Our son has always been on the older side of classmates, having missed the cut off for the next higher grade by just ten days. Even so, he tended to be on the less mature side and was often sensitive to social slights or a little clueless socially. He usually just had 1-2 main friends he spent time with.

I often was the instigator of play dates. I also worked hard to encourage our son to make the calls himself to get him comfortable doing that. But it often felt like we were the inviters...rarely the invitees.

Fast forward to today...our son will be 14 in October. He is often the friend organizing get-togethers. (He had a fun sleepover, inviting six friends, on the last day of school which he had planned for months.) He's got a core group of 4-6 friends that he spends time with, ranging from 1 to 4 at a time, and they reciprocate with calls as well.

It was time well spent to teach him to initiate those calls. He is now pretty comfortable doing that. He still is apprehensive, at times, if he thinks the friend will not be available. But in general, he has blossomed in the friends department.

The important thing to remember is not the quantity of friends but the quality of them. But it's also important to realize that one friend can rarely meet all one's needs. It took our son time to realize the latter lesson. He tended to wear his friends out. As we taught him that one friend can feed one part of him while another can feed another side of him, he learned to broaden his circle of friends. It has taken time and some parental coaching on occasion, but it has been wonderful to see his circle widen through the years. It was too hard on him and his friends when he expected one child to meet ALL his needs.

As for birthdays, after the age of ten, we began having birthday parties that were very small. We encouraged him to invite 1-2 friends and we went somewhere special--rollerskating, the Boston Museum of Science, etc. Doing this allowed the day to be a fun trip somewhere, along with some good one-on-one time for him and his friend(s).

Get this...now we've decided that he can invite a bigger group at home again, if he wants to, because "he doesn't want to leave anyone out". So, next year, I think we'll be back to having his birthday parties at our house with multiple friends. Whodathunk?!

Our son is a complex child. I usually describe him as a delight and a challenge. He is an only child. He is bright but doesn't always use it in school. He tends toward the low end of ADD which gets in the way at school or with friends on occasion. He's got a delightful insight into the world, a dry wit, an incredibly logical mind, and a wonderful singing voice. He loves his stuffed animals, Legos, video games, Nerf dart paraphernalia, and spending time with friends. While most of his pals have moved beyond some of these things, like stuffed animals, he still maintains a close bond with them.

I have come to trust that he is developing at his own pace and that is a good thing. I still wonder what niche will be his thing, but he has gained some confidence throughout the years. One of his best friends just moved away so I find myself wondering how that will affect him. But he has a good group of friends who are still in the area and he said he actually wants to go out for the soccer team this coming year in 8th grade. Huh? Fine with me!

It's still a challenge sometimes to get our son to move beyond his comfort zone. But we try to be gentle in our nudging, trying to get him to do his own nudging as the years progress. Ironically, as opposed to the prior two summers, I actually insisted that he sign up for swimming again this summer (the only sport that can potentially save a person's life) and one additional activity.

Mainly, this insistence is to make sure he doesn't bury himself in a non-active summer of TV or videos. He is usually good about getting his friends to turn off the games and to go outside for some fun running around. But I want to make sure this trend continues. He and his friends are all changing at different paces, and I'm working a little more this summer, so I want to make sure there are a couple outlets in his days to help expand his horizons. Of course, I'm "ruining his summer" but he usually likes the activities once they begin.

So, have faith, and trust your intuition. When you think you need to coach your son in one skill or another, go ahead and forge forth. But also trust that time and life will teach him important lessons as he moves along in life.

Good luck and enjoy!

Why do we as moms feel that we need to be cruise directors on our children's voyage through life? I'm saying this because I'm guilty of the same thing. With our first child we filled every day with activities and it is still hard for me not to fall into this. It's great to let kids pursue interests, but doing lots of activities, doesn't guarantee life long friendships. Friendships ultimately have to be forged by your son and people who care enough to want to be friends too. Having kids spend time together outside of preplanned activities helps them get to know each other...going swimming in the neighborhood pool or having popsicles in the backyard after throwing around a baseball. Help your son be comfortable inviting..."Hey ya want to come over? Let's check with my mom..."

But lets think about what really creates loneliness. Is it possible to be alone and not lonely? How can we help our children learn how to go through life with skills that will give them peace and joy on their journeys? We want them to have relationships, but so much of this depends on chance...or so it seems...is it really chance? "If you want a friend, be a friend." comes to mind, and my personal philosophy is that God sends people into my life who fill this need, or who need my friendship. Relationship with God helps keep me from loneliness.

I think some of the best help we can give our children is to have them see what being a friend is to other people...especially if dad is around, he needs to see how men interact with their friends (saw Boy Scouts suggestion...that can be a good idea), find families that have children in them, and that you enjoy being around, and spend time (invite them for dinner) doing things with them; talk about what you enjoy in these situations. Model good relationships, starting with your "friendship" with your son (and I assume...husband...haven't looked up your bio yet, sorry). It is real easy to wonder if we are doing enough by filling the schedule. Sometimes it takes times where there is nothing going on, so that we can spend time enjoying other people and forging relationships.

Really, your son sounds normal and well-adjusted from what you shared, and I'm sure he'll continue growing in maturity, with your guidance. 10 seemed to be a sorting out time for my oldest boy, this past year in this area...just learning how to act with other boys his age...how silly is too silly etc. And I worried about his confidence...but I trust that this is just part of growing up, and wonder what this year will bring.

It sounds like your son is better right now with the one-on-one or the small group. As far as the birthday party goes, there is no way kids will go off on their own at your house if you control it! Have activities planned - a variety to appeal to different interests - and insist that they are all old enough to interact with decent manners. Sports are not the only thing - a non-competitive or non-athletic kid will not do well there, but it doesn't mean they aren't "cool". It's important not to reinforce that stereotype.

Fine another activity unrelated to basketball, baseball, etc. Swimming lessons are important for safety and for fun, BUT it's not necessarily all that social. Find another area of interest. Music and scouts have been suggested. Could be band, could be chorus - he's a little young for an organized chorus unless you are in a church or synagogue that has a choir. But as a musician, I have to say that the emphasis is definitely on teamwork, and everyone has a role without particularly being a soloist or "star" - that would be great for your son. Sometimes an art program lets everyone explore their different abilities, but with group appreciation and maybe a group exhibit.

As he gets into middle school and beyond, think about something like track & field. In our town, it's a great program that is based on individual ability - your big competition is the clock or the measuring tape. Our coach works with each kid and we have really seen kids blossom - the first year is just about trying different events, rather than deciding up front what you think you want. One kid started as a hurdler but later found his strength was distance running. Slower kids with good balance and muscle tone wound up being great at shot put. It also was a program that never cut anyone - they have over 125 kids and the coach, with his assistants and great captains, manages well. The freshmen are nurtured by the upperclass kids and the captains. When tennis, baseball, lacrosse teams have their cuts, all the kids who don't make it come on over to the track team - it's awesome.

It's frustrating when kids don't call to arrange a date. But kids often don't know how to do that. Everyone texts these days - even parents. It's ridiculous! Anyway, if your local library has free or discount passes to area attractions (particularly museums), why not invite one child to go with you and your son? My library in a small town offers access to over 30 places. It might be too hard an invitation to resist, and there is an interesting activity (non-athletic) to unite them. The drive time in the car can be an opportunity for conversation and laughter. While at the museum, the activities & exhibits can take the pressure of your child if he's not a big conversationalist. On the ride home, talking about the things they saw and did gives your child a topic to pursue with greater social ease. During heat waves and on rainy days, this can be a great option. Maybe if you initiate this with a few other kids (not just the "best" friend), there will be some reciprocation. If not, it may mean that you just have more initiative and creative ideas. He's still young enough for you to start the ball rolling. If he has some success, maybe next time he can call the other kid.

If your child's school has any after-school clubs for interest areas, check into them. Some schools have rotating programs of roughly 10 weeks to expose kids to different interest areas. Your son will meet new kids with similar curiosity in a particular area, it's somewhat structured by the teacher, and it's over in several weeks if it turns out not to be a key area for him.

I wouldn't discourage the relationship with this girl - it's great that kids have opposite sex friends and I think it takes some of the pressure off when they start to be more aware of gender differences and feel awkward. More kids would do better if they were more at east with a greater number of kids.

Good luck!

My daughters are both very sensitive and have few "close" friends, but play with everyone at school. They are also both very able to entertain themselves. For birthdays we did a few parties where we invited ALL the girls in class (to "jump-on-in" or a gymnastics place or a ceramic painting place) but lately they prefer small parties with just 2-4 friends, mostly at home, exactly because at those big places best friends team up and leave the party girl almost alone. If his buddies play with each other and not him during parties, then perhaps invite just one or 2 friends, hard to be left out of such a small group. Either that or arrange specific games/crafts that they can do together (build one of those rockets and shoot it in the backyard, build a big lego plane together, do a scavenger hunt where you hide little toys throughout the house, build a "race" car from boxes and run them on a course you draw on the driveway with chalk, etc.). I agree with other poster that even as adults one can feel left-out. When my kids were babies I was always the one calling other moms to set up get-togethers, and wished someone would call me, but either some of my friends are less enterprising than I am, or they have more family close by to keep them busy, or they have lived in town all their lives and know tons of friends. Now that I have lived in the same place for 13+ years I can walk downtown and can chat or greet someone I know every time, so the need to "arrange" things is disappearing. I think you will find that your son will find his own way if you let him. If he feels left out, then arrange things, but if he is just fine, then don't let your worry get to him when he might have been perfectly happy except for seeing you upset. And by the way, playing with the opposite sex can continue for as long as they are both comfortable. My older daughter's best friend has been close friends with a neighbor boy all her life and they are both 13 now and still friends when they are at home.

Hi Jennie,
Honestly, I think there is nothing wrong with your son. He sounds to me like a very normal boy. Nothing is wrong H.. My kids have been for long in several different activities, and still they don't have many friends to play with or share more time with.
My older one attended to school for 3 years (now he's homeschooled) however, even when he is very social and friendly, never had "pals" to play with; classmates shared and played with him during a 15-minute- recess and a little chat at the end of the day. That was it, may be he had friends over for his b-day party, but besides that nothing came from it, Now, he has a couple of wonderful friends, the sweetest little guys! and he just met them by playing outside. They get along very well, and have fun sleepovers My 10 year-old boy initiated this friendship when he just approached his neighbor and said: "hey, I live across the street, my name is....what;s yours?" and then they started to play every single day until now.
It is just a matter of circumstance, time or luck. Many kids do not approach others because they just don;t feel comfortable, because of safety issues,, etc.
I always wondered the same thing because as an adult it happened to me
as well. sometimes people is very nice, and then the next day is like : I don't remember you", and the next day, they are charming and the next week just no interest in talking....well, moms pass their way to their children.Believe me.
Don't suggest to your son that something is wrong with him, it is not. Just keep doing what you and he are doing, eventually he will have a friend to play with.
Also, it is important to know that children often don't know how to make friends. It sounds silly, but it is true. I try to help my kids to find friends and get to know them. People like to know you better before they feel comfortable with you or your children (as moms, as children, as classmates) in every country this process is different and so far I learned that in America this process take so much longer either because people don't have much time or they feel they don't need more friends, they're busy... etc...... Just a cultural thing!
Things I do to help my kid? When he tells me that he found a nice friend, I suggest him to invite this friend to have a popsicle, either in the front yard (because some kids would not enter a house where they don't know anybody there) or just walking while talking! I suggest my kid also to bring some packaged fruits or snacks and juice outside and share them with his neighbors in a hot day....after that I tell my kid to give them our phone numbers and names and ask for theirs back, then there is an approach..
I hope this helps Jennie. He will be OK, don't sweat on it and find things to do with your son and you will see that will help also to make friends out there.
Good luck!

Oh gosh! You sound EXACTLY like me. I too worry about the same things. My son is the same age and I worry constantly about things like this. He just had a birthday party and invited 15 boys from his class. 14 showed up for the campout. But, I worry about him at school especially. His best friend went to another school this year and I always worry about him being lonely. It truly breaks my heart. I honestly think I have more of a problem than he does. WORRY WART QUEEN !! He is a very sweet, kind, and gentle soul and loves to play with friends. He too is a little on the immature side ( I think thats my fault). I don't want him to get hurt and it breaks my heart to think about it. I wish he would have 1 little buddy that waited for him to play on the playground instead of him sometimes having to look for someone to play with. I pray that things work out for both of our very special little boys.

I can understand your concern. Since he is non-athletic, maybe you should try signing him up for other types of activities such as art, music, a lego club...etc. He might be better at something other than sports. Maybe this would increase his self esteem and he would make more friends that shared common interests. Just a thought. My sons are nowhere near this age, so I don't know what I'll do when the time comes. Good luck!

HI, my son is around the same age as yours, when he is in school he has a couple of friends he hangs out with, but those are only school friends, nowadays you make friends with their parents in order for the friendship to grow. He has only two of these, but a least I know they are real friendships, It does not have to do with being athletic or not just keep exploring and giving him options on activities not necessay involving sports try other areas and you might just click with another mom and friendship can start from there. Hope this helps

I was a loner too and had four friends from second grade through fourth grade then it dropped down to three from fourth grade till middle school, then I made a new friend in sixth grade, but I didn't really start making new friends until high school. Still, to this day (I'm almost 28), I have probably 10-12 people that I count as true friends, the rest are all acquaintances.

When I was 10, my parents invited my entire class room to my parties, or they would let me invite two or three to go to a movie. Good luck!

Hello Jennie-

I think it's good you're seeing his socialization limits now before he hits middle school & he cannot function.

If he is not great at sports like basketball, you may want to try something that is less team based, and more individual based, like marital arts. It may help him build his confidence and balance for sports in the future.

As for his friends, and leaving him out, that is a worry, but to work around that, I'd have the party, but have games that require all to be involved, and things that your son is good at. Maybe a 3 legged race in the yard or mini golf as a group.

Right now, I think your son just needs to find something he is good at, and invite others along. This will help him feel good, and help him socialize. Small groups are best, with kids who won't tease.

I hope this helps.

R. Magby