Should I Be Concerned About My Middle Schooler's Lack of Friendships?

My 7th grade boy is exactly the same. Very introverted/few friends. The few friends he has are very nice (yay for picking nice friends!). He likes being home and playing with his little brothers. He does do a few activities outside of school. I'm not worried. He has my husband's personality! My husband would love to come home from work on Friday afternoon and not leave the house until Monday morning. He has many social interactions at work, but likes to be home on the weekends. I'm the one always planning weekend get-a-ways and bbqs. My husband is happy to participate, but would not plan anything on his own.

You can't control his friendships and it is fine to like being at home. BUT, there are two things that I think you can (and should) control:

1) Etiquette: It is important to start learning now, for the business world if not for friendships. Eye contact, saying hello, a firm handshake, etc. Unless a person has a good reason to consciously avoid interacting with someone, not replying to a greeting (not saying hi back) is rude.

2) Activities: He should do at least one extracurricular activity. Even just to broaden himself for college applications in a few years. Volunteer group, Church group, theater club, gaming club, sports...you can tell him that he must choose one (at least one). If he can't decide, I think volunteering is a good "default" option - everyone can learn to help others!!

One of mine is exactly like this so I can relate. He's an introvert. When pushed to have buds over he says he is totally drained from school. I get that. His dad is one too. I am to a certain extent, plus I am shy - as is my son.

We saw a therapist a few times - and she assured me he was fine and this is his personality. I will tell you the few times I intervened - did not go over well. He wasn't into it - and it was awkward. He is now a few years older than your son and has a little group. This happened naturally. So it will happen. My brother was the exact same. By high school my very awkward and fairly friendless brother had a group. They are friends to this day (50's).

My son does a sport. He enjoys being part of a group. One on one stresses him out. So he's part of a team - and likes the team spirit and we travel a bit with it, with hotels etc. He enjoys the camaraderie. That might help your son. My son is not a natural athlete really - he is good (good at anything he puts his mind to) so he's come a long way. It's good for them to set goals and reach them - builds confidence.

Two of my kids are a tad socially awkward. Both are somewhat shy. We just said it gives others the illusion you don't like them if you're not kind (i.e. at least say hi or smile). So mine have gotten better. They do get better as they mature. But the walking past a kid who says "hi" to them - been there.

I stressed my kid out BIG time when I was concerned he wasn't socially ok. He was much more bothered by me, than his social situation. He was ok with it - I was not. It has to happen naturally - and you're right - calling up friends or forcing him to have some over, very hard at this age and not good to do. I would back off (stop bringing it up) and just let him have fun at home, with sister (my kids say this is their fun/happy place too) and it will come. I promise you - it will. Introverts can get really drained by people and if he chooses to be with his 'safe' people (sister and parents) then that's totally ok. Just show gentle encouragement as he tries new things and meets new kids. I just find when you back off, they don't feel that pressure and things happen.

Middle school is rough on EVERYONE - no exceptions.
Even the kids who look like they have it all together - they've got their stresses just like everyone else.
And - middle school age kids really start managing their own friendships.
What maybe happening is - if your son is getting a feeling that you want to be too involved for his comfort level - he's pulling away from you by NOT TELLING you about his social life.

Not everybody has 'best buddies for life'.
In fact - a vast majority of people don't - I don't know where people pick up that myth.
There is not one single person from middle school or high school or even college (well except for my husband) that I keep in contact with.
More important than just socializing with school kids is being able to socialize with groups outside of school - Boy Scouts, taekwondo, archery, any sport or extra curricular activity - get him involved in one or two things he cares about and meeting others that care about those same things will be great for him.
It's a school thing but band (and band people) is/are great - maybe learning to play an instrument would be a good thing.

You should model how to get involved - volunteer and make some friends of your own - and show your son how it's done.

I understand your concern. One of my sons was like this in junior high. He stayed to himself a lot. Things started to change in ;9th grade. Not sure why, he just started wanting to be involved and chose to take bass lessons so he could play in our church youth band. That turned the tide. Keep your radar up for like-minded kids that may cross his path where you could potentially nurture that relationship. Also pay attention for small things he says that may give you a clue as to something he might like to pursue. That is a tough age group. They are trying to find where they fit in. His younger sister might be the gateway. Being close to her, she might encourage him in ways you can't.

I wouldn't worry too much, he does sound like an introvert. That's not a negative at all, and he sounds content with himself, so that's really good. I would not push for specific friend get-togethers, because I think it's really important for him to do that himself on his own terms, when he's ready. Plus he can pick up on your anxiety if he sees you making a big deal of his social interactions or lack thereof. Being around his peers all day again at school should help. Summer can be isolating, especially for introverts. And those back to school mixers can be so stressful for a lot of kids with even mild social anxiety. You may want to consider requiring him to join one school activity or club. Maybe there is a film club, or gaming group, or volunteer service club. And maybe require him to join one group or pursue one activity outside of his school community, such as volunteering at an animal shelter, youth group, bicycling club, part time job, or something else that will get him spending time with people outside of school too. If he's happy spending time with family, that's great too. You can plan things to do as a family outside the house that may broaden his interests in new activities, that also sneak in some physical activity and time away from screen entertainment, and opportunities to connect with the larger community

My kids had to do after school activities. I didn't care what they did but they couldn't come home and do nothing.

Their activities led to great friendships and was the reason they wanted to go to school everyday.

We also required our kids to participate in school activities. It is almost necessary for college applications these days, plus, my kids couldn't just come home and "chill" everyday after school for hours and hours. Idle hands and all that :) Our kids had to play an instrument and a sport each year through middle school and high school. Even my most introverted kids handled this just fine. Band doesn't necessarily require much "interaction" and for example cross-country is a sport that really is more about YOU than the team. My kids have made friends in band/sports/extra activities that they have kept into adulthood (some even drove to another state for my daughter's wedding even though she has been out of high school for several years!). Additionally, we did require the kids to volunteer in our community, they also participated in Boy Scouts, Karate, and other activities where you can be an introvert and it is just fine.

The bottom line is you are supposed to guide your kids to healthy choices - most kids, if left to their own devices, would eat junk food and sit home and play online games all day. As parents, we intervene on food choices, and activity choices, and where they go to school, and even what they wear (to some degree). Handing your son the reins and using the excuse that he is an introvert isn't really the answer, here.

Good luck!

Aw, he sounds so shy. I would tell him to invite over a friend now and then...say to him "Invite your friend so and so over this Friday after school". Or "Invite a friend to come with us to the waterpark next weekend" I would keep encouraging him to do this regularly. I would also befriend one or more of his friend's parents. I would have a few people over for dinner every now and then and I would invite them each time so he could spend time with the other kid. (One friend at a time) It will help him to become better friends with some other kids. I was pretty shy in middle school and didn't have very good friends then, but I kind of slowly outgrew it and by college I was pretty social. Is he in any activities? My son is a home body too, but I make him do one activity (age 13). Good luck.

I agree with you that arranging play dates in grade 7 isn't the way. Your son has to be responsible for his own relationships. He might need some help with awkwardness or social anxiety, and you might talk to your pediatrician about finding some professional resources. I agree with you that it's okay to be "who he is" but only if "who he is" is a complete and happy person. If your son is not functioning in required situations, that's a problem. What strategies should be employed, or even what "diagnosis" is at play here (if any), need evaluation.

In general, I think it's not acceptable for kids just to be content to be at home with computer games and only a younger sibling. Being a homebody is okay, within reason. But it's not enough. They have to learn to be a functioning member of society on some level. The best thing would be if your son were required to join some sort of after school activity where he would broaden his social skills with kids with similar interests, as well as begin to develop some interests outside of academics. The isolation of computer games cannot be his only activity. So I think it may be time to say that he's growing up and he has to push the envelope a bit, and move beyond his comfort zone. I'm not into over-scheduled kids at all, believe me - but they should have to do SOMETHING that interests them or at least which benefits others in some way (the school community, the town, a religious organization, something).

However, if you are unsure, I think you should contact a professional to find the best way to do this. Your son might benefit from joining a club. He doesn't have to play a sport or get "out there" on stage for the school musical, but being a part of the chess club or the social action committee or the stage crew for that musical might be better. But whether forcing him to do it and just continuing the mom-to-son talking (which doesn't seem to be working) should happen first, or the professional help should happen first, is a tough call and not one that those of us outside the situation are prepared to make. But I wouldn't let it just go on forever since you're quite clear that you can see it's not working. If he's "just an introvert" and will grow into a contented person in time, that's one thing. But if he's headed down a path of unhappy isolation and not being able to function in a college or a job, whatever he will do a age 18, that's not okay.

ETA: Just checked your prior posts - this is the same kid who had a tantrum over blood work, right? So there's something going on with him, I'd say, related to fears and anxiety.

I was confused reading this because it sounded like something I have been meaning to write but didn't. Your son sounds exactly like mine! 7th grade too! We also live outside the school district, so I totally get that! I don't know what to do, but just wanted to let you know that there are other kids out there with similar issues! Introverts Unite!

I am sorry I never responded to your fear of needle question on the same child. I have a son who is also 12 and going into 7th grade. He had a SEVERE needle phobia...it took two trips to a child psychologist to get him through his eleven year old vaccinations. (We now have a plan the he worked out to make getting shots or going for blood tests work out for my son to be able to handle it...he helped come up with the plan and then when it worked we went with it...took three separate trips, one for each shot but it was a true phobia)...He was not just throwing a tantrum or power trip but a deep seated fear of needles relating to a childhood incident.

About the social issues...mine is a social butterfly in the sense he loves being around people and wants to make friends but had issues reading social cues. Once again two trips to the same psychologist helped him learn typical social greetings...how to tell if someone just wasn't into you in being friends...and how to be a good friend.

He tried camp this summer for four days and hated it...didn't make any friends and I pulled him out. We then made weekly arrangements to meet a friend from school at a local swimming pool or arcade once or twice a week. It was a great success they spent time together outside of school and got my son off the computer/tablet/tv/game console all day everyday.

It can be tough having a child that doesn't fit in a typical mold. But finding out how to help him navigate the world is a challenge and very rewarding when you do have that breakthrough. Good luck and hang in there!!