"Sharing Kid's Successes"

Validation! My sister has found herself a SAHM recently and does this, she even compares my 3 y/o with her 6 y/o but I listen, tell her how pround she must be then move the conversation elsewhere.

There may be nothing going on in her life, so all she has to share is the details of her kids' lives. It's sad, really, but many women focus so greatly on their children that they have nothing else interesting to say.

Or maybe she's been really worried about her son and is so excited that he's doing well that she couldn't help gushing.

Maybe she was excited about this stuff? Maybe she was surprised with how well her son was doing because she had some worries about it?

I don't know that I would write off a friend over this, personally. We had work done on our house recently. I would never consider it to be rude or competitive to discuss it with a friend--it wasn't a big brag. Maybe it was her tone? That said, I have had these sorts of conversations with my friends where we are just sharing about our lives and kids because we are genuinely interested in each others lives. No self-esteem issues or competitiveness, just commiseration and sharing. Neither party is offended. Maybe I'm missing something?....

(And if you stopped calling her last spring, maybe it isn't about the conversation, per se, but who you are having the conversation with? Maybe you just didn't want to talk to her, period., and that having to talk to her was annoying for you. Whereas, that conversation with someone you enjoy might not have irked you so much? Could be wrong.. I don't know. :) )

Hi Julia, note what you wrote that it's you who can't but feel a weird competitive thing when people go off.. I think that is something worth looking at.

I think in many cases, it's not about being competitive but rather a person's kid is probably one of the biggest loves of their life (I know my son is) and when it comes to him, I could gush all day.. no, nothing to do with me wanting to compare him to others, it's just that WOW !!! I love him so much.. he amazes me in such a way that so inspires me to want to be the best parent I can be..

There aren't many people in my life who have touched my heart in the way that my son has and when someone who comes along and does... I feel so blessed... and yes, I do want to let others know..

Maybe if you could view a parent's bragging about their kids as a testimony for the love of their child, it might not annoy you so much. Also, note, does this person do this with everyone and not just you? in which case, it's not personal, which means she isn't competing with you..

In the world of parents and kids.. this kind of stuff is going to happen all the time, try and not let it bug you too much... The other thing, why not, when she begins to share, you speak up and talk about your child.. maybe that is just the thing to turn this around.. who knows, she might be open ears.... it's worth a try.. if not, then I would just let it roll off your back..

good luck

Not all of my life is my kid, but a lot of it is. Heck, we're all posting on MAMApedia, right? And if my child is zooming through an above grade level workbook, I tend to mention it if appropriate because it's something neat in my life.

If you feel like she has self-esteem issues or whatever, then that's a different bird wrapped up in kid feathers. If it truly irks you, then don't talk to her, but if she has other redeeming qualities (we all have our faults) then talk about kids for a while and then talk about something else.

Or is it a matter of what Hazel said that you don't really want to be her friend anymore, regardless, and it didn't matter what she talked about?

I guess it depends who you are talking to. If I am talking to someone who I am linked to through my child, such as a school mom or play group mom, then yes, our children are the main topic of conversation, but it goes both ways. If I am talking to an old friend from high school, or someone from work or church, then we may talk about kids for a few moments and then move on to other conversation. As a mom it is nice to have another mom to talk to to share your childs accomplishments and failures. I do have a friend who has a child who has autism, adhd and a speech impedement. I do try to limit how much I talk about my kids successes to her, and instead I hear all about her sons difficulties.

Would you be nearly so bothered if she talked a lot about her job? Remember, if she is a SAHM, this IS her job.

Also, no one wants to hear the bad stuff. She is sharing light details - successes - with you, because as someone she hasn't spoken with in a while, you are not close enough to her to hear what she is aggravated with in her life. I will never share with so-so "friends" the stuff that aggravates me - you haven't earned that place in her life. If it HAD gone that way, you would be grousing about how nothing in her life sounds good. She was sparing you that. I suppose if I was going to talk to someone who was going to turn around and complain about it, I would rather they were talking about how lucky I seem to be, than how miserable I seem.

I find that people overshare EVERYTHING nowadays... exhibit A: Facebook.

But on the otherhand: Isn't she supposed to be your friend? Wouldn't you share the details of your life with your friend? Maybe you have outgrown her, but it sounds like she was just sharing her "news." I'm assuming you said something like "What's new with you?" Ideally, of course, she would be able to read your cues and realize you didn't want that much information, but I think its a big leap to say she has self-esteem issues. She might - I don't know her - but I think you are also being a little tough on her.

If it was all bragging, then incredibly annoying. If it was just conversation about what her kids are up to, probably didn't know what else to talk about. Sounds like it was mostly bragging and I too can't stand it. I always come back to money. Why is ok to brag about kids but not how much money you make? What's the difference? I doubt I'd want to be friends with her anymore either and I don't think you need to look in the mirror. I think people who reply that it's fine to brag about your kids or maybe they think it's not bragging - but it is - are the ones who need to take a closer look. There was a big article in a major paper recently - I think the New York Times - titled something like "let's end the brag fest". So we're not the only ones bothered by it. I'd like everyone to think about how much they like to talk to someone who is constantly sharing their job successes and big bonus numbers. It's the same thing to do this with your kids successes. In this case, the homework assignments just sounds boring. The knowing numbers is bragging... In both cases, she sounds like a bore!

Parenting is often a huge guilt trip. We're afraid we're not doing enough, doing it right, failing our kids, or worthy of being good parents. It does make us feel insecure. So we look for validation. When parents share what's going on with their kids, what they're really looking for is validation that they're doing a good job.

Give it to her. Tell her that you think she's doing a great job as a mom. Validate her. It's easy to do and often we get some nice validation in return. Validation that we are a good friend.

When we feel validated, it makes us feel less insecure, and we stop chasing further validation. So, my point is, she'll talk less and less about her kids' successes and more about other things. She'll be more enjoyable to talk to.

Best,

♥
C. Lee

Seriously. I never want to be THAT mom. It is nothing but a brag fest! On the flip side, because of all of this, I always feel like I cannot share what my daughter or son is up to for fear of seeming like that. If someone asks how my son or daughter is doing in a particular area, I will share. Otherwise I keep my mouth shut :)

On one hand I totally and completely agree with you. I see it as a big deterrent to a deep and meaningful relationship.

However, I am from a large family with 2 narcissistic and abusive parents. So with those lovely attributes growing up, my entire family does this and I too for many years was similar, but only because it was familiar to me. I am only really close to my baby sister, who I raised. And when we speak, I must listen for about an hour of exactly what you describe. And then, and only then, does she relax enough to be an equal listener. I deeply care and love my sister, but she does have this one quirk. But I also know where it comes from.

My bet is that your ex-friend was raised this way. If she was, I'd give her some slack. If she's truly that shallow about what's important, then yes, dump her and move on.

I guess it could be some weird competitive thing, but since you haven't talked to her in so long, maybe she was just trying to catch you up?

I do know what you're saying though. There's a mom that I know that is always bragging about her kids. It isn't just talking about things they are doing it's a rub your nose in it bragging, which is different. She thinks her kids are extraordinary, but they're just normal kids. She also brags about herself, her parenting style (Tiger Mom!), her husband and just about everything they own. It isn't limited to the children. She truly has some psych problems that are most likely difficult to pronounce.

I avoid her if I can, but that's not always possible.

Hmm, I don't know, maybe she doesn't have anything else to talk about? I know as a SAHM it feels like that sometimes, especially when the kids are little, they feel like your "job" you know? So I can see feeling compelled to talk about "work" i.e. the growth and development of your children and other domestic accomplishments (like the house.)
Did you try to steer the conversation at all? I know when I'm becoming bored or annoyed with the current topic that's what I do. I talk to my women friends about all kinds of other things too, books, movies/TV, local events, new restaurants or projects we're thinking about, etc.

Without hearing the conversation it's hard to say what's going on. But the fact remains, it's a phone, hang up. Ring the doorbell and get off. Don't be passive aggressive and talk about her afterward.

I see this a bit differently than the others. You know, some folks when they have kids, get their lives completely intertwined with their child's and find it hard to discuss anything other than their kids because they have sacrificed all the things they loved/enjoyed.

I'd say that if a "friend" out of the blue called me who I hadn't spoken with in more than a year, I'd try to keep the conversation light and off of me. My kids would be an easy common ground. I may even prattle on about things just to fill the silence - LOL.

But, only she knows her true motivation and if it is "one upmans ship" well, so be it. If it is seeking reassurance that she is doing a good job from someone she adminres, or filling the void with easy conversation, only she knows her true motivation.
Good thing is you can continue to distance yourself from her.

I tend to walk away from these people... including my own sister who does this all the time. It's annoying and completely tied to self-esteem (at least in my sister's case). She needs to hear the "wow"... "oh, that's great"... "Really? Most kids don't do that so young" to be validated. Apparently my twin nieces were speaking in complete sentences at 18 months... in reality I had spoken to my sister around their 2nd birthday about their language development because they weren't speaking. I guess she forgot that conversation when she was relaying their development to my aunt at our house the other night.

They need to be perceived as "perfect" or "ahead" and your role in that conversation is to affirm it. I tend to ignore it or "reality check" it, but that's just me. I try really hard not to "one up", but there are times when I really really want to...

As my father would say... "K., in the end... all of the sh*t comes out in the wash..." meaning we all have to come clean at some point and it's not my job to agitate the situation.

Ignore it. It's a self-esteem issue that is clear to absolutely everyone except the talker.

Because some people are boring.

Wow, cuz we LOVE our kids and everything about them? Cuz we have to focus on the good so the bad doesnt drive us craz?. Cuz our closest friends want to know cuz they care about our kids?
I dont know if she does this in a really annoying way, or if you just dont want to hear it, or what.
I guess I do most of my bragging with the Grandmas who are just thrilled to hear about each new tooth etc etc. I'm sad that for women who don't have that person in their lives who cares and listens. Our children are so important to us. If you dont want to hear it, yeah, find a new friend.

I feel your friend sees you as someone she can confide into or she can be bragging if you are a non -hands on parent. Parenting is a lot work as you may know . Children's accomplishments are something that every parent should brag about because they didn't reach that success by themselves so why not tell the World & share the Success. This world today needs positive attributes so be a good friend & listen graciously.