Separation Anxiety in 3 1/2 Year Old

Oh yes...my son has major separation anxiety and he is almost 4. (I am also a very anxious and sensitive person by nature). I was his only "playmate" for much of his young life and preschool was his first real intro to groups of children as well as lengthy periods of time away from me. I have had him in gymnastics, soccer, basketball, library classes, etc....but I have always been there watching or actually participating with him. I think the biggest shock for my son was the amount of time I was away from him. These are things that we are working on right now - hopefully some can work for you too? (1) Consistency - he will need the same facility, the same teachers, the same group of children for a good period of time to feel safe. (2) Duration -we initially did 1 Friday a week and I have been advised to bump it up to two or more times a week. I was told that they work through their anxiety faster this way, they get more familiar with the children and teachers more quickly and it is not so hard on them if they miss a day due to illness, etc. (3) Playdates with other children in the class. Playdates allow them to get to know others in the class more quickly and provides a greater level of comfort in the classroom. (4) Bringing comfort items from home for show and tell if it is offered in the classroom. It helps to have something familiar in the class if they need it. (5) Children turning 3 hit a developmental milestone where they become aware of death. They need a lot of reassurance that when you are gone, you are coming back. Make sure you never leave the room without telling your son. Make sure you are on time to pick him up (it sounds like you already have this down). (6) Eliminate any stress at home if there is any and don't let him watch scary movies (especially movies that involve death, such as Bambi, etc.) (7) Let your son "practice" separations in a less stressful environment. For example, we have never used a babysitter for our son. We are working on having a babysitter at our house while we are home for a bit, then transitioning to short periods of time away, then longer outings. Sometimes separation anxiety is a two way street, and I have come to realize that I need to let go in order for him to feel comfortable letting go as well. (8) There are some great articles out there to read. The one that helped me most was from Sesame Street but I can't find it any more. This one is pretty good though:

http://www.parenting-ed.org/handout3/Specific%20Concerns%...

Oh...and I learned this one the hard way. DON'T stay in the class with him! It is ok to check out the curriculum one day and sit with him...so you know how the schedule goes and you are aware of the temperaments of the different kids he plays with. The next time, you both will suffer and cry during the separation. After that it gets easier each time. By staying in the class the whole time I was essentially signaling to my son that I didn't think it was a safe place and that I should stay with him to protect him. Staying there with him does not allow him the opportunity to bond with the teacher and other students. The next time I cried in utter horror as I heard him banging on the door behind me as I left screaming "mommy...COME GET ME!!!" I stayed in the library down the hall from his classroom and listened to this go on for about 30 minutes. I felt physically ill and wanted to go grab him out of the room. The next time I explained that I would come get him after circle time (their last activity of the day, as he doesn't understand how to tell time yet). He cried for 5 minutes, and as I walked down the hall the crying stopped. I have found that he cries during the time I am in the classroom, and it stops when I am gone. You would think that children would be comforted to have you there with them, but it actually causes more anxiety. If you trust the caregivers and are comfortable with the other children there...then the best thing you can do for him is drop him off and go.

It will be hard, mama...but so worth it for your son in the long run.

Although anxiety can be genetically linked, it is not uncommon for kids to experience an increase in anxiety with changes in their life. Some ideas would be to limit the amount of reassurrance that you provide, this can sometimes backfire and increase someone's anxiety. Ever have someone try to convince you that things were alright over and over? It usually doesn't work so well...what does work is going through the experience. I would encourage you to help your son find ways that he can manage his worries while your gone, but to make him do it...the more that he does it, the better it will get. Some ideas to do this, would be to let him know that you are leaving to go ____ and ask him if he would like something special to hold onto until you return (a picture of the two of you, a shirt that smells like you, a favorite toy, etc..). I would let me know that you will return and encourage the sitter or whoever to distract, if possible with coloring-a great activity to help kids process their feelings in a positive way, or other feel good activity. You could start by setting up trials, but the key would be to not return until after the anxiety subsides. If you return or stop the exposure to the worry while he remains in this heightened stage, it will not only reinforce the behaivor, but it will increase his anxiety. It may escalate before it subsides, this is usually typical of kids who are working through behaviors. I would also suggest that when he faces a fear, like spearating from you, you praise his efforts and celebrate his accomplishments. Good luck to you.

My mom watched my daughter for the first two years and then I realized that it was time to really start socialization. I found a great school (day-care with a curriculum) that at first was half days from 9:00-1:00 - we went through the exact same thing. But the teachers at the school were wonderful, when I left they nurtured my daughter and when I called to check on her she was always fine. The process lasted for about a month but it got better each and every time. Now she is 4 says by mom and she closes the classroom door on me when I drop her off. Be strong - it will take time and patience but the reward at the end is spectacular!

When I was teaching I had a mom who came in before class started one August and explained that her daughter was afraid to come to school. She was there with her. And I of course said hello. The mom explained the child was suffering from separation anxiety and so did the mom, as did the grandmother. The mom explained that the she cried most every day of first grade, and was miserable.

The child did cry the first three weeks of school. I let her cry and eventually she stopped. I accepted her as she was, not pushing her to be anything else. And about Christmas time she started to share in front of the class. She was a marvelous child.

The mom was totally blown away.

The point is what worked for you, and accept him as he is. If he needs to cry, let him. And don't take him out of a school just because you are uncomfortable with his crying. Let him work it out. Let him grow into who he is. Support him, talk to him about what worked for you, your feelings, your love for him, find a special stone, stuffed animal that will be a protection symbol for him.

Good luck. W.

Anxious responses can indeed run in the family.

If you are anxious about leaving the boy, he will pick it up. Most kids will sense your feelings that. Especially sensitive children.

But that doesn't make it impossible to deal with the situation.

If you are certain that the daycare is a safe and nurturing place for your son,then that is step number one.

I would practice leaving your son at home with someone else for a few minutes, and then come back. Extend the time gradually until he is assured that you will come back. Explaining that you need to go, because you are a grown up and that you will come back.

Once he is certain that you are confident leaving him with someone else and that you do come back, the period of time that he can be without you will increase.

He needs to feel reassured and safe. For some reason, he doesn't feel that way now. And yes, this is not unusual for children BUT you may indeed have a sensitive child.

Sensitive children often need just a little more attention to their emotional needs. They need more assurance. Do you?

If you are having guilt, fear, anxiety or any issues with this separation,you can bet your booties that your sensitive child picks that up.

There are books about sensitive children available. They can support and advise.

Chris

I have raised a sensitive child.

Yes anxiety can be passed and it makes some interesting times. I have 4 kids and all show differing degrees. You may want to check into your local schools for a developemental preschool program and see if he qualifies for behavioral. I suggest this because the teachers are trained and usually well practiced in helping kids adjust. Also try it with you outside the room so you arent right there for him to cling to. My sons have done the same thing since their dad hasnt been working as much even my 5yr old who had been in such a preschool program for the last 1 1/2 yrs went through that this year starting in kindergarten. We just talked to him and offered a prize or treat of his choice to make it through a week of school and then once he got the hang of going and realized that yes its fun he has been fine ever since. With my 3 1/2 yr old starting the preschool program he was at first hesitant to get on the bus but his bus driver offered a good idea... send a toy, blanket, etc that helps him feel safe and close to home. He now just needs it in his backpack and hes fine to go off to school. A lot of it is just acknowledging their concern without making it a big deal and working with them to understand that its ok to do things without mom or dad. Oh another idea have dad take your child to school without you...it seems easier (i think since dads go to work usually everyday and moms (well i am at least) weak to their cries and they know it.) to let go of dad over mom. When we told or 5yr old that dad would take him and he wouldn't see his friends on the bus, he got on without too much arguing. Good Luck, Roberta

the same thing happend with my boy at 3. we took him to pre school just two mornings and when I had to leave we were both crying (i didn't let himsee how hard it was for me though i would go cry in the car) I thought about pulling him out because he probably just wasn't ready. But through the encouragment of the loving teachers there I kept the routine. just like the last post the most important thing was to do what you said. "I'll pick you up at 12:00". I would always be the first parent there so he didn't have the axiety of watching other children go home with their momies first. I was standing right at the door when the school time was over. Then I would say "see it's 12:00" (becasue he had to idea what time is) I verbaly made sure he knew i kept my word. I took about 2 months of diferent degrees of this axiety but then is slakend off. And he loved school. In that time he did need more cuddaling snugaling and reasurance but thats not a hard thing to give.

as true as you are with the pick up you should be withthe drop off. I would go in with him early and sit with him for a while. Then say I am going to go in 2 minutes. this would sometimes cause tears but the warning was better than just leaving. but THen when it was time for him to go to class I would give hugs and kisses to a screaming child and bee line it to my car, this is what the teachers taught me. The more you try and make them alright they are finding stratagies to keep you there and they will use them fromthen on out. and things will get worse. For me it was very important that the people I was leaving him with were very loving, outwardly. His school has no ban on hugs and kisses so I think that helped. THat I wasnt leaving him in some cold impersonal place. The teachers really met his needs.

perhaps you have a friend or a relitive that you could start out slow with if Pre school is out of the question. And just regularly leave him for set amounts of time. consistancy( no mater your mood or his) and truthfulness were key.

my boy is now 4 and very well adjusted and LOVES going to school!

I hope this helps
E.

You said you stayed at the preschool? He was more then likely crying to keep you from leaving, and it worked. More often then not they will cry until you are gone, and then adjust fine once you are out of the picture. He has to learn that you can leave, and that you will come back.

I'm beginning to have the same problem with my 2 yr old daughter.She's never had any issues with meeting new people, except the occasional man but suddenly she's having the same issues u describe your son having when I have to leave.

I only work part time (3 hrs a day) and she never been in daycare, always stayed with family but now is extremely attached to myself, my fiance, Granday (the worst) and even her biological even though he's rarely around. I understand being attached to her biological dad due to him never being around becuase she wants him to be....but as for the rest of us she's with us all pretty much 24 hrs a day seeing as we're currently staying with my mom.

I'm at a loss what to do as well.Ya just gotta love toddlers.

There is likely nothing wrong- this is VERY typical for a 3 year old- . As their minds grow and mature - they suddenly realize that when you leave - there is NOTHING the child can do to bring you back sooner - and the lack of control wierds them out. It is developmental. The little treasures are hard-wired this way. Solution? -- be '''stingy' about when you leave him- but try really hard to '''keep your word'' about whether you are leaving and when you are returning. So- he will feel more secure ( not thrilled- but secure) if--when you say--- I'm off to the store - see you- '''' this is school time- see you--- ''' you and Daddy are--''' whatever- that you do what you say. It's really important - and really tough-.

Blessings, M.-

J.

I agree with both mothers who wrote before. I've worked in childcare for a long time, both as a teacher at a site and as a private care provider. We love our children dearly, and once we decide that we are ready to have that break in the day for ourselves (to go back to work, educate ourselves or get housework done), we need to honor that. As much as I love my son and love being with kids, I need my breaks so I won't go nuts. So please, don't let anyone make you feel guilty or like a "bad" mom for finding care for yourself. It's obvious that you love your son very much.

I want to tell you that the first month to two months may be difficult during the drop-off/transition time. I found this to be pretty par for the course with new families that came into care as well as working in the home of a new client. The kids adore their parents and they don't really know who these new people are. When I worked on site at a care center, one of the things that really helped was to do a home visit before the child started school. This meant going to their house and visiting with the family for an 40-60 min., primarily spending time playing with the child that would be starting care. Getting to know them one-on-one. There's a sense of connection for the child that comes from feeling like I've stepped into their life at home. They show me their favorite toys, pets, their room, artwork that they are proud of... the experience is irreplacable for both of us.

In short, see if the child care providers you next look into would come do a home visit. In fact, I would explain the situation and request it. It may not be policy, but it really helps. I would also urge you to discuss your son's feelings with him, ask him questions, but not to discuss your son's feelings with other people in front of him. He will be better off not hearing that conversation. I prefer to have parents call me later on or send me an email. It's more respectful to the child, who is already feeling challenged.

Another thing you can do to reassure yourself is having a peek in at him, unobserved, before pickup time. Does the preschool or provider have a 2-way mirror or small window to peek in? Seeing your child settled and playing is so reassuring.

I also let parents know that I'm happy to give them a call if the child really seems like they do need to go home, and that they are welcome to call me to check in. The office staff was always very happy to run over to our room and check in to reassure a worried parent.

Saying goodbye and then leaving with a kissing hand is wonderful. If the child was crying, I liked when the parents would wait until I had a second and then physically hand their child over to me. I could hold the child and reassure him/her, and the child wasn't left standing alone, crying.

By the way, don't fear about passing on an anxiety disorder. Take that off your list of worries. Increased separation anxiety is pretty run-of-the-mill for this age, esp. with new situations. I didn't see it in your post, but has there been any other change? Did a beloved friend,pet, caregiver,or grandparent/relative move away or pass away? That may be another reason to fear that you are not coming back.

My best wishes to you.