Separation

H.~
A couple of key points to remember:
1. If he changes 'for you' it will be temporary. You can't change for somebody, and shouldn't.
2. You aren't giving up if you have decided to make your life about you...it's called clarity!
3. Enjoy the times your kids are with their father...make it a welcome break to pamper yourself and find what you like.
4. There are no rules to this, do what feels right but always look out for your kids and yourself.

Give yourself a break, this is tough and nobody has all the answers. You'll both figure it out in time. Stay respectful of each other and love your children more than you hate your ex!
~L.

H.,
I so know how u feel. My Ex and me were together for 6 years and one day he got up and left me and 2 small childern. He left me a big mess. At first i felt the same way u did. I need him he needs me cause i should do every thing he wants. I lost most of my friends in the 6 years. I felt i tottally left a separate life of my own for him. And every thing fell around him and his things. Even though i felt that way... i still couldn't see myself separated from him. Crazy i know...... I ended up taking him back but after i got my own brand new apartment, car, computer, etc... After 8 months I was back with him for a year. Thought i have to give it a chance because of the girls. They need both parents.(coming from a family of no divorce) Crazy feeling i had.... come to find out I wasn't into the relationship like i was the first time. I didn't want things to fall back like they were... where i was sitting home with the kids never being able to go out... I ended up pushing him away from me a second time and he up and left again... All in the end I shouldn't of did it the way i did but i am glad i did something cause it was what i needed. I couldn't stand seeing my life go back into those 6 years again. The fighting the sitting home cause he went out with his friends.... I had my own life and i loved it... and could handle it. My thought to u... You need to do whats best for you. Yeah u do have the kids to consider but if u an't happy they will never be happy. I can imagine my kids cryin when they heard us fighting. Or me being unhappy i found myself yelling at them more. Also i suggests if u do stay separated don't get into nothing serious. Keep friendship and find out what u really want in a relationship also what u can give in return. It takes 2 in a relationship... and its not all about one. My favorite quote is... when i look into your eyes its like falling in love all over again.... can u honestly say that to yourself. I don't mean care for him but love him.... I too care for my ex but i could never love him truely again.
Good luck and do what is best for you.

I would think that counseling is a great step by yourself to get things figured out for you in the first place. You have to be in a good state before you can even think of making a relationship work. It's important that you realize what you need and know how to get what you need from the other person. I would say after you figured out what you want and if you wish to make things work then you need to go in for couples counseling. Get into a forum where you two can talk openly with a mediator to help move things in the right direction. Many people have a hard time communicating with one another in a productive way.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you figure things out, I can only imagine what you are going through.

Having been married and divorced twice prior to my current marriage, I can only tell you that if you both are not happy together, then you should probably cut your losses and move on. There is no shame in getting a divorce, as the real shame comes from staying together for the kids. Your children can sense your unhappiness no matter how you may try to mask it, and what that teaches them is that they too should settle for less than what they want to get out of life as they get older. I left my husband when my daughter was 4, and it was the best thing for all of us - I continued to encourage her relationship with her father and when she was old enough, explained why we went our separate ways, and I feel this has shaped her into the independent minded college student she is today. It took me three times to get it right, but I finally realized that the man I needed and wanted to go through life with was in fact, my best friend whom I can talk about anything with, and work together with on life's challenges. I H. you will do the same so that you and your children can lead happy, healthy lives :-)

I really don't have any advice except for that you need to do things for yourself and if he isn't willing to do that for you, then he might not be the one. But I really just wanted to say good luck!

I would think that counseling for you alone and as a couple would be beneficial. Personally, I think that you should stay separated through this as to not give him any false hopes. But I think you would regret it later in life if you just threw the towel in...especially if he is willing to try. I wouldn't expect to completely change him though..it takes two to make it work, but you really have to find yourself and be happy in who you are. If through all of this you find that it just won't work for the two of you, at least you can walk away knowing you tried your best.

I am sorry you are going through all this. I think it is really common and sad that women tend to lose themselves in relationships too often. I too lost a lot of who I was in my relationship and it has been a long road back to finding me again. I agree with the counseling idea whole heartedly, therapy has been a heaven sent answer for me. I needed to regain my independence and my self esteem, and counslers can really help you gain perspective and healing.

Love is a funny thing, it changes over the years, I am in no way suggesting you go back and try again- that is all you... but make sure your perspective on what love is and how it feels is healthy. We may not have that exciting love that was there in the beginning of a relationship forever- we change, our relationship changes and our lives change so of course love is going to change... if you decide to give your relationship another try then both of you would have to commit to bringing love and intimacy back to the realtionship. (Intimacy not being sex necessarily but closeness and really getting to know each other.)

I hope you can find the answers and support you are looking for... I would whole heartedly suggest getting a therapist who can help you rediscover yourself and possibly your relationship. You deserve to be happy. Good luck
H. P

First of all I want to wish you the best of luck. I know this is difficult but you really need to take time to decide what will make you happy and then figure out if he is able to provide that. I think it is important that you are clear about your expectations right now. Maybe you should tell him that you need 3 (or more) months to be alone and figure things out. At the end of that time you can both talk about things and decide together if your relationship is worth working out. If he really loves you than he will respect your wishes and give you the space you need. You could also consider going for individual counseling for a few months and then working into joint counseling. If you are both committed to working it out then the counselor should help you with that. However, if you decide you'd rather go your seperate ways then the counselor will help you do so in a way that will be best for you children. Again, I wish you luck.

First of all, you need to find out what you want and need and if he can't provide those things for you, then it's best to move on, even if you have kids. It'll be better for your kids in the long run if you're happy - whether that be by yourself, with him, or with someone else.

But from what you said, it sounds to me like you've already made your choice.

Good luck! I know this is a very difficult time for you.