Seeking Mom's Advice 4 Teenagers

Everyone person is different. Sounds like your younger son is more of a nurturer and your 15 year old, is a typical 15 year old. My son will be 15 in July and it is a trying time for all of us.

I wouldn't be too concerned.

I think your being too hard on him.

I have never known many 15 yr old boys that show empathy like younger kids do. And he probibly really didn't know what to do. Not all people are the "first responder" types. Yes, If he had seen you were having continued difficulty he probibly would have called for help... Why? He didn't know what to do.

Living in a family that has people with asthma in it I can tell you that there is really little that OTHERS can do other than get meds and monitor the situation.

You know what he would have done if that was his girlfriend? He would have yelled "MOM! HELP"...
Making him feel belittled about not jumping in and being "the hero" (words like "I see how you really feel about me")is setting you up for more confrontations. He walked away from that exchange thinking Moms a B*t*h... She doesn't understand me... I can't wait till i'm 18 and can get away from her. (tell me i'm wrong)

To gain his respect you have to GIVE him respect. He is turning into a man... I would sit him down and THANK him for standing in the hall and making sure that you were ok. Not just turning around. I would actually use the words I AM SORRY for what i said to you. It was not called for. Perhaps see if he would go to a first aid class with you so he will be better prepared in an emergency.

Do not dwell on the negative. THANK him for the positive.Do not try to guilt him into feeling sorry. Try to build his knowledge base so he doesn't feel like a helpless boy when his body is saying its a man.

The only way to truly know what your son thinks about you is to open the lines of communication and KEEP THEM OPEN from a young age...

I know that people would usually not apply it to a child... But I saw benefits with mine because of it. Read "Love and Respect" and "5 languages of love" . They will help explain your kids and the way they think and "feel" and show love.

Good luck and I hope you don't think this letter is out of line.

K.,

I mean absolutely NO offense by any comments I make here. My advice comes from a very compassionate and loving place. :)

It sounds like you are maybe in need of some counseling or some long discussions with a good friend or mentor. I think doing so would really help get you on the right track with your own life and with the kids too. And really lead to happier times for all.

I say this because several comments raised red flags for me in your post. First of all the tone throughout and several comments specifically suggest that you are overly involved (emotionally) with the kids. Of course we are all very invested in our children and love to love them (and a return of affection is always nice!) but it sounds like you are relying on them to emotionally support you. It happens sometimes that women who have been through trauma or have been solo parenting for some time somewhere along the line fall into this trap (though it happens in other households as well). I'm telling you from experience that the surest way to 'really' 'lose' them is to continue to do this. Kids look to their parents to be "the strong one", the "composed" one. They need the help of an adult to learn how to properly navigate the world. And you need the aid and support of an adult as well. You can't expect a kid to do a grownups job, and to ask them to do so is unfair to both of you. They will respect you for being strong and confident in yourself, but if you keep turning to them for emotional support, they will resent you and you will drive them away. My husband and his brother both spent years not talking to their mom, and telling everyone she was dead - she was alive, she was just constantly guilt tripping them with her emotional burdens, telling them what to do (though she was always so busy talking about her own problems she could never really listen properly to them and consequently had no idea what was going on with them, or who they were growing up to be), and using them as her counseling service. The boys talk to their mom now, but not very much, and they still constantly talk about how inappropriate her behavior was and how much they still hold deep resentment over it. I don't know the full situation with you obviously, I just know how much we as moms love our kids, and I don't want you to unwittingly make the same mistake my MIL and several other people I know have made. I want you guys to all have a great relationship for years to come!

As far as your son goes, If all he's done is test his boundaries by cussing you out real good once, count yourself lucky :) many kids his age test boundaries much more often. And, if you want the kids to be able to respond to you if you are in medical need. Sit down and have a calm, upbeat talk with them about what they should do if they see you (or anyone) having an asthma attack - whether this means bringing you your inhaler, calling 911 or offering the attackee some Coca Cola or Coffee so the caffeine can open up their airways. If you have uncontrolled asthma, this is a very important discussion to have with them. I wouldn't be too upset with your oldest for not helping out previously. Not wanting to get in the way of someone who is trying to help when you don't have any idea what to do is a pretty natural response. I don't think it has any reflection on his love for you.

Also a few other thoughts on teens which may (or may not :) ) help. Expect them to "hate" you now and then. If you were the perfect parent, they would "hate" you for being perfect, etc. Kids at that age need to find a reason to rebel and start reaching for their independence. Don't take it personally. It's just something they need to do for their own growth. (2) Their girlfriend isn't a replacement for you and she won't steal your son's love for you (just as having more than one child doesn't keep us from loving the first any less) but she represents the kind of emotionally supportive relationship with a peer that he is beginning to need and you (by virtue of being an adult not a peer going through the same growing phases at the same time in history, etc) will never be able to duplicate anyway. So be glad that your son is blessed with someone his own age who (at least for now) will be there for him to help him weather those teenage storms. Don't try to make him feel like he loves her *more*...he doesn't. He just loves her differently - as it should be.

You sound like a really great person who really adores her children, and I really hope that this all works out well for you. If at any point in the interm you need to talk (or rant or vent) :) feel free to private message me any time. (My son and sister are also severe asthmatics so if you need to chat about that as well..)

May your day be filled with Light, Love, and Certainty,

Mercale

(sorry about the "book"!)

It's not that your eldest didn't care - he just didn't know what to do. My almost 15 year old is also hopeless in medical situations but my 11 and a half year old is great. If there was a problem I would call on him, not his big brother, because he's not scared of blood or anything medical. In fact he's very interested in medicine and thinks he might like to be a doctor! I really think that is the reason - your 15-year-old is just young, scared and doesn't have the instinct to deal with illness. Hopefully he'll get better as he gets older - but I have to say that my husband is equally hopeless and never helps me if I'm sick, while if anyone in my household is sick they have a really great nurse - me! take care - Alison

Dear K.,

My name is J.. I can't say for sure, but 2 things come to mind. One is we're talking about a boy here & the other is he's at the most awkward time in his life. He is really just struggling between being a boy & being a man. They just really don't know how to respond to their emotions. Please continue to give him your time, prayer & emotional support & he will come around to the person you know you are raising him to be!

~ J.

K.-
I understand what you are saying, but I must put my input in here. I am only 24 and remember like it was yesterday my teenage years. I think you are being too harsh on your son, and agree with the previous poster who said your son probably walked away thinking you didn't understand him. You really need to sit down and have some one on one with your son. Tell him you are sorry for the way you acted that you were just worried. Your son came out of his room and stood in the hallway. That's better than nothing. He was probably scared, and didn't know what to do. I know that when one of my kids gets hurt, I panic and scream for my husband. I just can't handle someone I love getting hurt, and that may also be the way your son feels. As far as him cussing you out, unfortunatly that is a way a lot of teenagers lash out. most lack the skills they need to properly handle their anger. If this is all that has happened, and it has only happened once, count your blessings. I know a lot of people that have teenagers that do it every day. It could be a lot worse for you. I think maybe you should try and get some sort of counseling. That might help everybody. Hope everything works out for you, and keep us posted!!

Hello K., Please try to be more understanding of your 15 yr old son. At this age boys do pull away from their mothers. They are becoming sexually mature, which makes them feel very uncomfortable around their mothers, exspecially in moms bedroom!! Cursing is something I think ALL teenagers go through. If teens didn't become rebelious and distant, they would never end up leaving mom and dads. Do you see that this is NOT about you. Talking to him about being kind, thoughtful, caring, and helpful are important, but he still is trying to think with that 15 year old brain of his. I hope this helps you understand the shift in your relationship with him, and that you can continue to improve the bond between you. Good luck, 4 teens is a hugh challange. P.S. I also have asthma, so I can understand where you were that night. God bless.

It doesn't come naturally for teenagers to care about anyone but themselves most of the time. They are in a phase that is hard to handle, but will pass. Encourage him and teach him how to respond to stuff. He can't think beyond his hormones right now. I'm pretty sure it's not about you!

Feel better and count your blessings that you had the other child to help. :)

S.

Hi K.,

I'm sorry you went through that.It must have been really scary. When a frightening situation happens people can go one of several ways. One person takes action, even if it's the wrong action to take. Another person stands by and wrings their hands with worry. They're sending up prayers, but not a whole bunch of physical assistance. I'm betting your older son was just frozen with fear. It is no reflection on how he feels about you. Remember, he's only 15 yrs old. That's pretty darn young. He's not a man by any means. He's a boy. At 15 it's all about 'me'. They see everything from their own perspective. Which is how they're suppose to be. He feared for you, but he was so scared too. He was frozen. He wasn't trying to ignore you. He was hoping it would clear up on its own, because he didn't know what to do.
Maybe it would help to go over what to do if it happens again. That way the family would be better prepared next time. Your youngest one can help attend to you. (Especially helpful if you explain what would really help), and maybe your oldest could call 911.
As for him swearing last year. Not that I'm okay with it, but it happens somttmes with growing boys (I have 3 adult sons). That was last year. Let's clean the slate and start over. I hope you're feeling better now. Do you have asthma meds that are working for you?

Men always react differently than women do - especially when they are teenagers still trying to figure out the world. I think it is important you understand that they don't express thier emotions and feelings the way some people do. Just becasue he doesn't openly show his love - doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I think the bigger issue is if he truly does not know how to respond in an emergency situation - whether it be you or his girlfriend or anyone else - than he needs to be educated on that. Sometimes it is the basic common sense stuff that they need help with - even at that age. I have a 17 year old son and I often wonder how I am going to send him off to college where he will be on his own when daily I have to help him find his keys, shoes, etc.. just to get him out the door in the morning. My son sometimes says things that are hurtful to me. My daughter tells me all the time how much she loves me - I never hear it from my son. But I know in my heart that he truly loves me - he is just not sure how to show it. There is a lot of pressure from the video games, movies, friends - that have men being more gruff than compasionate. I think that confuses them. Talk to your son - calmly and open minded - don't expect him to be the same - tell him that it concerned you that he didn't come in to see if you were ok. It sounds like if it were just the two of you in the house he might have - but since his brother steppped in he felt it was OK to stay put and out of the way. Make sure he understands if he ever see's or hears anyone in a medical situation that he respond - ask him if he would like to take a red cross class - I know the high schools teach CPR but usually not until the senior year. Let him know that you need to know that you can count on him to step up to the plate and be a man and take control of the situation. If you were to have to go in the hospital due to asthma you need to know you can count on him to help with the family while you are gone. Tell him that you love him and that it would really mean a lot to you if he told you that he loved you every once in a while. With teenagers - alot of this will pass - but it takes patience and time which is sometimes hard to give. Just reassure him that you are there for him - over time he will start to show the feelings in return. Pressuring teenagers usually back fires so just be patient.

I suppose I wouldn't put too much stock in the situation, first of all, most teenagers only use their brain cells for thinking about girls and sports...LOL So on that note, it may be that with his personality, he felt very uncomfortable showing emotion toward you. It could be he REALLY gets worried about you , but feels silly admitting it ( that could also explain why he acted so angry during your asthma attack). I suppose it doesn't help your feelings much. I think I would wait until I felt better and then privately, gently, ask him how it makes him feel when you are sick. Maybe you will be suprised at the emotion that comes out, ( or maybe not). but either way, once you are away from the situation, it is the most non-threatening way to find the answer.

I had a talk with my 11 year old about 2 weeks ago regarding the arguing that had been going on lately between us. It is a power struggle and in the end I will win (because I am the parent ), but I assured him that at the end of each day, I would still love him NO MATTER WHAT! In this day and age there alot of things on the minds of our teens and I think it is good to let him know how you feel, but don't lay on the guilt too heavy. Good luck. A.

I don't think from what you say he's a bad boy or doesn't care about you. However, your reaction could push him away. He's still a child, but in a changing body and if he's similar to most 15 year olds, confused about who he is and his place in the world. A world, by the way that is not very optimistic. I don't think its wrong for you to tell him it makes you feel like he doesn't care. Add the "That makes me feel..." It isn't as judgmental (which causes most people to feel defensive) and if you are opening up about your feelings, he may, someday, share his. The fact that his door was open is a good sign for a 15 year old teen! It's important to not make it about you. Be the adult. Read some books about teens, talk to other parents, etc. for the support. If your kids are seriously worried for you, it causes them stress that isn't easy to handle at a young age. If you have a special need when you have an asthma attack and you know you'll need assistance, tell him ahead of time what to do when he hears you cough. He is male, so being intuitive may not come naturally! I hope you're feeling better.

You have a very serious talk with your 15 year old and his lack of respect for others, including you. If he has a cell phone, maybe he should be encouraged to use it to dial 911 if there's an emergency. Which there seemed to be. And if he's going to be so unbelievably insensitive and uncaring, maybe he doesn't actually need to have a cell phone if he can't learn life isn't just about him. I'd start finding out what type of people he's hanging out with that makes him so insensitive and thoughtless. It's a matter of caring that should make him want to help, not that little brother had things in order. Maybe sign him up for an emergency first aid class. Not only would it be of value at home, but it would be valuable later in getting ajob, like as an EMS person, or if he wants to be a lifeguard, or work in a hospital, be a doctor/nurse.

I would seriously re-assess if he seems to know about family values and caring. If he seems to be overly abusive verbally, it's time for serious changes. It sounds like he doesn't know the meaning of discipline or respect.

Not all children were born with the nurturing gene. Some kids seem to run to help others, and others run away becasue theydon't know what to do. He is stilla child, and needs to be told what to do in a situation as scary as an asthma attack. Tell him that when you are having trouble breathinglike that, please bring me my inhaler, sit me up, call my relative, etc. Since his brother knew how to nurture, he probably felt that it was enough.

You are unfortunately dealing with your typical teenager. It was probably scary enough to be dealing with your asthma attach and then to come to the harsh reality that you family member totally ignored the whole frightening event. I often question what are they thinking. Are they that uncaring? Apparently they forgot all you did for them when they were young... But have noticed something they also deal with having to ignore crazy things at school all day long. They learn to block things out. (my daughter has actually admitted she does this in our home) I don't think it was totally intentional but you may want to have a heart to heart and just remind him that his family is important and it would have been nice of him to give a helping hand during your event and that you needed him. I'm sure some kids may think that they will do more harm than good in such crisis situations too. Good luck with it. H. Mitchell

Some kids are just more compassionate than others to their parents. I'm the youngest of 3 kids and I can tell you that I do more for my elderly mom than the other 2 kids combined. Why? Well, I think it's because I'm more compassionate than the other two and my parents bonded with me differently than with the other two. I'm a firm believer in raising kids equally and not playing favorites, but sometimes you just never know how they will turn out. I myself have 2 kids with another on the way. My eldest is 14 and lives with her dad while my other one and the one on the way are with my current husband. I was a single mother when I raised my now 14 year old. I did everything I could possibly do to be a good parent: spent time with her, took her to church, loved her unconditionally, made sure she saw her dad weekly according to the court order, and everything else a good parent is suppose to do. Where does it stand now? I see her maybe once a month, rarely hear from her, when I call her she blows me off unless she wants something--that's when I get a call. Her dad makes no effort to intervene because his whole thing was he did not want to pay child support on her. I believe that you cannot always control how your kids turn out, just do your best and hopefully, he'll turn out to be a good son one day who cares enough to come around. Keep praying for him too.

Best wishes,

MC