Seeking Help with Getting Kids to Do Household Chores

Oh my gosh- I am so there with my 7, 5 and 3 year olds. Just thought I'd let you know you are not alone and that I hope the responses help both of us. Thanks for asking this question.

At my house there is a list of chores that I won't do. That list is to be done by them. They are upset the first few times when they don't bring their laundry...and it doesnt get done! Even more upset that they didnt fold that clean laundry and have to dig for a matching pair of socks when late for school! Step back and stop doing everything for them!
After we got everyone on track and helping with their own needs we started paying them. But there are rules to it. They each have an invoice book. They do chores, fill out invoice, have me check the chore and I pay once a week. I also do not pay if there are spelling or math errors. So it has many lessons, kind of like a business of their own. Also, quit giving allowance and paying for extras that they don't "need". Make them work for it! Your 11 and 7 year old could really do this. My boys that do it are 7 and 9. Their 16 year old brother loves it. He negotiates prices now and looks for chores to do. He will even steal chores out from under his little brothers! I now have more help than I know what to do with!

I would have suggested what you did. Sounds like it didn't work. The next thing I would try is the opposite.

the majority tend to respond to what they stand to lose than what they stand to gain. and the other thing I know for sure is that Money is NOT a motivator.

The hardest part is that you need to be the police.
My daughter learned a very hard lesson. She received 7A's a B+ and 2 B's. The B plus was because she forgot her homework one day and she lost 10 points because it was late
her response was: I won't do that again.

So here is a suggestion. Put $5 in everyone's chart. Now what happens is if they don't remove the dishes, they lose 25 cents... whatever. Make the chores fun as well.
We rotate chairs each night. Each chair has a job.
Set the table, clean the dishes off the table, put dishes in dish washer, and empty dishwasher. We rotate clockwise each night. They know what the position is. It is really sort of fun.

The hardest part of any thing you do is the discipline it requires on your part. Good luck.

I have the same problem so I don't have any magic bullet but I have observed THE POWER OF THE LIST! I think what you need to do is have a list of things that must be done BEFORE they get something they want...like to walk out the door to play with friends. Pick a day or days on which the list be must checked off (pick whatever day they will must likely want to do something with their friends). If the chores are undone you just say "gee sorry I'd like to help but you haven't finished your list."
In our house money is not much of a motivator b/c we are comfortably situated and most of their needs are met and then some. But if I really want something done I just make it a precondition of letting them out the door or driving them somewhere.
For your younger kids withdrawal of TV privileges might work. GOod luck!

You may need to go on a vigilent rampage for a few weeks. Every time you ask them to do something make them one make eye contact with you. Walk over to them if you have to and calmly tell them to do said task. Then watch until they do what you said. If they don't do what you said right then and there, then explain that you are the parent, they live in your house and they need to do their fair share so they will do what is asked of them, when you ask it.

Then walk right beside them as they do what you asked.

If they don't do it or they start to give you a hard time, then explain very calmly that there is no room for discussion. You are the parent and they will listen and treat you with respect or they will spend their lives in their rooms with

no phone
no tv
no games
no books
no entertainment whatsoever

If you have to have a town hall. Sit them all at the table. Explain that the house is too much for you to do by yourself. They live there and they must contribute to keeping it up. From now on they will do what they are asked to do, when you ask it or you will hold their hand while they do it. If they give you a hard time or refuse then they will go to their room......

Make the chart again as you did before so everyone knows what they are to do each day.

You might not get anything done but hold their hands for a few weeks, but they will start to do it on their own if you expect it and immediately excute consequences when they don't.

I started when mine could walk. I would ask them to pick up a toy and put it away. One toy at a time because little people can't see that far ahead to know to pick this one up first and then the next. They get too overwhelmed. So I would say, "Avianna pick up the doggie and put it in the box." If she didn't do it, then I would calmly go to her pick her up, walk her to the doggie, make her pick it up, and take it to the box. If she gave me a hard time, I put her in her crib and told her that she could come back out when she was ready to do what mommy said.

Start young and they learn you are the boss. Like I said it may take awhile. But they will realize you mean business. Don't yell, don't humiliate them or make rude comments. Just tell them what you want and then make them do it and then execute consequencs immediately when they don't listen.

They are still young enough that you can train them. If they were much older I would tell you it is too late. Do it now though.

I instilled doing chores at a very young age. I grew up doing chores-way too many really-so it seems natural to me. I don't expect too much, the way my Mom did, but chores are a normal part of life. You aren't rewarded for them except for a big hug and thank you and you are a great kid for helping out. But not money or whatever. It is good to have a routine and assign chores for age appropriate reasons etc. But also let kids have input. It can also be bonding time. My 14 year old son still helps me with dinner every night and sets the table. I think he kinda enjoys it, we talk etc. Now that he's older he takes out the garbage. He knows it is expected of him. Does he moan when I say -did you take out the garbage? Pretty much every time. So what? Let them protest, but they have to do it anyway! This is one of the ways they learn about life. He also has to clean his room and help with laundry and grocieries. We are flexible however, if he has alot of school work etc. that comes first. Teenage years are harder though so get ready.

Take away the things they like to do until they can see the basket when walking by it or pick up after themselves. No TV, no going out to play, no games, no phone, etc...They are much to old, especially the boy, to be playing these games. The girl, you may be able to nip it fast. Our kids have been making their beds since age 4. My son dusts, vacuums can do laundry if needed. We are not chaining our kids to housework, this is being responsible for their own rooms once a week. And my 14 year old alwasys asks if I need anything done before he has free time. We started young with them. I will have no doubt in my mind that when they go off on their own, they will be able to handle themselves and their homes.

C. T.

I am a single mom with a 13 year old. I was having trouble also but a child therapist told me to do reverse psychology and reward when they do things rather than taking away when they do not. Now if my son wants to go to a friends house, play electronics, watch tv, anything, he has to "earn it." It has been a long battle but he is still coming around and now he comes to me and says, mom, if I fold laundry or take out the garbage, can I go to a friends house. He is definately learning the idea of work first, then rewards. Good luck. I am sure you are doing a great job.

What worked in my family was that we had a deadline to get our chores done, otherwise we would lose privileges: grounded (works when they're older and more social), no TV, no video games, etc. if we didn't finish our chores by the deadline. I'm starting to use this with my own children, and it seems to work reasonably well. My kids are 9, 5, and 1 (boy-girl-boy, too!) I do have to set the timer for them when they're unloading the dishwasher, and picking up their toys, or putting their laundry in their drawers, which sometimes works to encourage them to keep moving, but sometimes needs to be reset. I try and give them incentive to finish their chores before the timer beeps- usually dessert, or we play a game together. Something easy.
Good luck!

You said you have a wonderful husband who is always encouraging so it sounds like he would have no problem helping you guys out in this area. Call a family meeting with your kids and husband. Before that though, talk to your hubby and go in as a team together and TELL your kids what IS expected of them. We parents tend to feel like we're being dictators when we MAKE our kids do something. Truth is,it's our job to teach them at a young age that in life, we can't always get our way. So, you're making steps towards teaching them that, plus getting some well needed help around the house which you deserve.
You said yourself that your kids walk right over you. So, if I may say this, that's the problem here. Not that they aren't consistent, they seem to be allowed to be inconsistent. It's true, we can't physically make kids do chores. And why would we want to? That's triple the work. So since we can't physically make them do something we have to be firm in what happens if they don't. Maybe you can tell your kids that enough is enough!! No chores-No fun. Tell them that Saturdays will be spent in their rooms with nothing-no games, tv, books, phones, computers-whatever. And mean it! If they have a problem taking laundry downstairs then guess what? You're not going to do their laundry when the basket is full. When they come to you and say they don't have any clean clothes remind them of the rule....you didn't bring your laundry down like i asked you to so, find something. That's usually when they will have to get out that pair of pants that they hate or that ugly shirt they never wear and go to school looking weird. I'm sure they'll be quick to take the laundry down next time. I know this can seem drastic, but kids NEED to know that they have consequences and that M. means what she says. It's so hard to be firm sometimes as a M., I know, but you and I both know, it will pay off in the end. Also, you said that after the first week it all fell apart so how long have you been doing this? It may take a month or so of true consistency to get a pattern down and make your rules/consequences/rewards clear. It's just as much of a transition for them as it is for you so I would say to give them more time (but don't give in of course). I'm sure it will come together.
I had a problem with my 4 year old not eating and being picky. I would never make a different dish for her but would alter it. If we would have roast with potatoes,etc. She would get chicken nuggets with potatoes because she liked them. Well, I got tired of that. But more importantly, she was getting used to getting exactly what she wanted. So one day we told her from now on, she'll eat what's there and if she doesn't then she can go to bed hungry. That broke my heart and I couldn't imagine doing that to my child. And there were times where she only nibbled on the food and went to bed later without any snacks, etc. But, as hard as it was, it was worth it because she is totally trying new things and liking them. So, stay strong and know that you are the boss. They're probably not going to like you right now. But, they do love you and that's what counts! Good luck!!
NJ

hi L.,

I know what you are going through.

Check out this site

http://www.housefairy.org/kids.php

I found it on flylady.net

My five-yr-old likes it, and maybe your two youngest might as well - but it might be kind of silly for your 11 yr old, see what you think.... if nothing else it can give you some good ideas (especially since Christmas is just 'round the corner)! :-)

Hang in there and I agree with reinforcing good behavior and I also believe that children should be taught that they EARN allowances (or rewards) by doing chores, that work = money.

My older two always had to be reminded to do chores, and I know sometimes it just seems easier to do it yourself - don't give in !

best of luck to you!

W

handipoints.com is a clever fun web site.

Get a backbone and stick with it! Be the leader; you are in charge. Make a chart, check it off, give consequences - positive and negative - and mean business! It won't take long for your kids to fall into line if you stay persistent and consistent with them. They need boundaries to feel secure and loved. Remember, "A positive response is (typically) negative; a negative response is (typically) positive." Meaning that if a child complains to a request, etc., we're probably doing the "right" thing for them!, and vise versa. Just DO it!! Ask for help from hubby in backing you up with the children. Be plentiful w/ the positive consequences...teach how the world works NOW!

I wish I had some great advice for you, but your house sounds just like mine-except I have four children who don't like chores! I read through all the advice that was given already and I think there are some really great ideas here. Please let me know if you find something that works well for your family.

T.

Check out the books, Love and Logic, Jim Fay. Problem solved.

We have house rules. They need to bring down their dirty laundry baskets. They have to clean their rooms on the weekend. If it is not done, they will have a time out. If they refuse after that they will lose privileges. I let my kids choose what they like to do for an allowance. My son, 6, likes to vacuum and my daughter, 8, likes to clean the windows, tables... My son is eager to earn some extra cash and I was surprised when he refused money from grandma because he didn't earn it.

Dear L.,
I was married for 20 years before divorcing. When I was divorced, my sons were 18 and 15, now 25 and 22. I worked full-time. One of the things that bothered me for years was the same thing-getting them to help around the house. So far as I was concerned, they saw their dad not helping so why should they? He never encouraged them to do things for me or initiated household chores on his own. I think if he took the initiative and got them to do things or all of them did, things could have been different. If you are always around, the kids hear you all the time. If their dad took charge of getting them to do things and worked along with them, perhaps that would help. My sons live with me now, and I haven't battled with them for years. If I need something done, I ask. We don't have that negative influence (or I don't) any more. Good luck. It's a huge problem.
S.

Hi, the key for me has been to start early rather than later. My three children are 8, 4 & 2. They all have chores that they are responsible for completing. I started simple "chores" once they could walk (i.e. picking up toys and putting books away).

1) BE CLEAN ABOUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS - Have a family meeting w/ your husband by your side and review with the children your expectations to help the household run.

2) INFORM THEM OF CONSEQUENCES (good/ bad, reward/ punishment)

* For instance: my son was supposed to put his clothes away after I folded them. He would instead walk past them or I'd find them on the floor unfolded and a mess. I got tired and decided that I was no longer going to fold his clothes. He begged for another chance but this had been going on for months. So I now leave his clean clothes in a clear bin in his room. He has until the end of the day to get them folded and put away. If that does not happen he knows there is another consequence for that decision.

* We have family pizza night. If everyone has done their part during the week (per the chart) we have pizza night. If it has been a week where they have struggled then we skip it, have a regular meal. This gives them motivation to try harder the next week. My children love pizza. This helps them see that it is a team effort and when everyone does or does not do their part then the whole team shares the consequence.

* They want friends over - If they have not made their beds, and tidied their rooms or picked up their personl items that may be in the family room the answer is "no". I also use this for going outside to play. Once it is completed then I change my answer. They will eventually get it done w/o a reminder.

3) BE FIRM AND CONSISTENT - Say what you mean and mean what you say. You are the parent. If they know you will buckle and let them do whatever then that is what they are going to do. If they know that you mean business and will follow through with a not so great consequence then they are more likely to jump on the bandwagon with you.

4) DON'T TOSS THE CHORE CHART - Use it to make them accountable for what they do or don't do. For the younger children there could be a reward for their hard work. Create a treasure chest that they can pick from if they have successfully completed their chores. All of mine love money so we give allowance twice a month. The little ones can get up to 50 cents per week and my oldest can get up to $1 per week. They save this money for things they want to buy. It is hard to save if you're not receiving your allowance.

5) Be patient - This is not going to turn around overnight. Stick to your guns and you will see a difference.

I can go on and on about what works for me, but I won't. I hope this helps!

Hi, L. I am a little bit late responding but I hope it will help. I have an 11 year old too. This is what we did. First, we tought him to do the chores right. Supervised him every time he washed dishes (made coments how to do it right, made him redo dishes he didn't washed right, etc.) That took abot 10 times in all to be confident that he is capable to do it right. Now we just ask him to do dishes and check. I do not use dishwashing mashine just so he can do the chores. No rewards, except: "Great job, everything is squiky clean!" or "You really helped me today!" We all live together and help is expected.
Second, I sent him with the housekeeper to learn how to clean the bathrooms "professionaly" and dust and wash floors. He did it with her couple of times and now he is a pro. I no longer need a housekeeper, we designate a day and clean together. He does some parts and I do some. Sometimes it takes more than a day, sometimes we do upstairs one day and then other day downstairs.Depends on what needs cleaning.
Do things as a family, kids love "together time" and have great results to show for. I never clean when I am alone, always when everyone home so everyone does their part.
Lundry chores for 11 year old: He puts dirty clothes in the hamper, I wash them, he takes them out, hangs and folds, I do ironing as needed. I have to remind, but it is O.K., most of the time he gets it right. I also give a lot of praise. I do not pay, bribe or use any kind of rewards system I make it my EXPECTATION that he participates in running household. I am nobody's maid! I am a mother.
Room must be clean, and kept clean at all times. I do not allow him to mess it up. Every day before he goes to bed everything must be put where it belongs. Besides, after he cleans he is much less likely to mess things up and supervises his little brother very close.
Good luck, your children are good age to start to learn the chores. The tougher you will be now the easier it will be for you later.