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Maybe someone reading this can offer some legal insight or knows of legal services in this area M. can go to.

M.,
One of the most important things I will tell you is to NEVER, NEVER say anything bad about his mother; no matter how angry you may be, in front of him or to him. If she does things you don't like or agree with, just keep it in your mind that everybody has different ways of doing things. It may be wrong in your book, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.
My sister was and is an angry person. She constantly argued with her ex in front of the kids and constantly talked out of anger about him in front of the kids. (He's nothing but a lazy ....) You get the picture. By talking this way and showing her anger constantly my niece was always on pins and needles around each of them for fear that she would get in trouble for the other parent giving her something or just plain having a great time with them. My sister is still this was and still calls her ex a lazy Schlep. He is quite a kind person and is re-married to a wonderful person. The children are taken well care of and because of this, my sister is very jealous.
I would hate your child to feel caught in the middle of a battle of parents not getting along.
If you know where he is, send a card. Perhaps she will keep it and show it to him someday. That way he will always remember that you thought of him.

Be well.

i agree with julie. i think its a great thing when a man wants to be with his kids and i feel your pain. my best suggestion would be to set up a legal parenting plan through the courts. that could allow the two of you to spend time with your son seperatly so he wouldn't be subject to the tension or possible arguements. contact your local courthouse and see what your options are for getting a parenting plan or split custody. i think its very wrong for her to keep him from you and obviously you will have to be the one to take the first step (which you've already done by coming here). good luck.

As a step-parent, I had many heart to heart talks with two boys who had a mother and father who hated each other. This effected their entire lives. The main things they wished for were:

Parents who didn't fight

Parents who could both attend their school functions

Parents who didn't talk bad about each other

Parents who loved them (they reflected the negative feeling expressed toward the other parent onto themselves)

If you and your ex can become friends or at least be civil to one another and set your differences aside for the sake of your child, that is the best thing you can do.

Good luck!

I can't imagine keeping our children away from my husband - even if we weren't getting along. The only way I would even consider it would be if I thought my husband was a danger to them. But as it is, I know that he is a wonderful father and is a very important person in their lives.

Do you know why she is keeping your son from you? How is she keeping him from you? (Did she move out of state? Did she get a restraining order? Did she relocate and not tell you where she was going? Does she refuse to open the front door when you try to visit your son? Etc.)

Has she filed for child support or are you otherwise paying child support? Are there any other court orders in place? Have you talked to an attorney about filing a request for visitation?

Hi M.,
I can't imagine not seeing my kids for that long. Is there any possibility of the two of them meeting you somewhere public like a park or something that is positive for the little guy yet gives you two a chance to talk? I have pre-schoolers and their grandma doesn't spend time with them but sends them gifts instead and I can tell you that time is the most important gift. Try to get some time together no matter what. Even if you can call and talk to him. In the end, you will always be a daddy and he needs to know you are there for him. If things work out with his mom, that'd be even better but he has to know you are there for him forever. As for her, she might be having a little depression and not necessarily avoiding you but struggling with the change children bring to your lives. Reach out and be patient. Keep us all updated - you have found a great group of listeners here.

Hi M.,
I offer you my support. I really feel for you. I cannot imagine how it would feel if I hadn't seen my little ones for 3 months. I think you will get alot of responses cos it is rare to hear from a papa and you really laid your heart out. I commend you for this. Your request showed alot of insight, compassion, and understanding for your little one who is caught inbetween your struggles and your separation.
Forgive me for asking this if I am mislead, but you said you were a "drunken monkey", "stumbling through her unfathomeableness" which I can't spell either. Are you an alcoholic? Your bio was quite cryptic which leaves it open to interpretation. And this is what I interpreted. Please correct me if I am wrong. If I am right, you probably can't hope to reunite with your son and his mom, if she is keeping themselves away because of this. Alcohol and drugs create a divide between you and us. I cannot join you unless I choose to escape with you, unless I take the same stuff you do. Are they blocking you out, or are you denying them you, and leaving them with little choice?
This is a controversial response and I really apologise if I have offended but I had to respond to what I felt when I read all that you wrote. I felt your request came from your heart, but your little piece after that left me feeling that there is more to it. Maybe its just some pot. Maybe its more. You know what it is. And if so, you know what you have to do. For your sons sake. Get some help and kick it. Its the only way out and up.
Much respect to you for you for asking, even if I didn't answer right
HC
PS I just re-read your post and would delete what I wrote if I could but too late. It was a reaction from past expereince. Can I take it back? Maybe I am the drunken monkey! stumbling through....

Is there any court orders that she is abusing? If not, you need to get one so your rights are taken care of. What is the reason for her not letting you see him? Is it justifiable or is she just punishing you. She is also punishing the child. You need to get past the point of the anger between you two and settle on a truce so that your son can grow up with a father. Don't stop fighting this, but in an amicable way. How old is your son?

Hi M.
I have read your post and prayed about it in order to respond in as positive way as I can.
That said, there are a lot of questions that need to be answered in order to give you sound advise. In the lack of the information I will tell you this. In the indian way Women work with Women and Men work with Men, it has worked for thousands of years. This web site is set up for MOM's. If you have not noticed Women talk and think Different than Men. The Women on this site share personal things that pertain to how to deal with and rase the children that have come into there lives. In a lot of cases the Dad's have walked out or are a non partisapunt in this proses. What was not said was why your wife left. Could it be the Drunken Monkey or other behavyours that have caused her to want to protect the children by leaving. Have you taken a good look at YOU and your part? It feels like you are attempting to communicate sideways with your wife threw this board. If your wife was really using this board for help and you were "passivly watching" that is an intrusion into her privacy. In your post there are a lot of red flags and it makes me wonder what your real agenda is. Why have you not seen your son in 3 months? If it were me I would have done everything under the sun to see my child. Including getting a court involved. In the indian way there are more than one side to every STORIE and until the other sides have been herd from, it is just one storie .
As for what to do about moms and pops not getting along, Both have to get real and posably get prfecional help. Take the emoshan out of it and see what is truly going on. keep the children out of the fight and do not try to use them as pawns or wepons to get at the other parent. Weather parents are together or not the child still need's both if the parents are healthy in dealing with each other. The child did not ask for the parent's to have personal problems so keep them out of it BUT be truthful with out being vindictive or mean, and keep it to age approprate for the child. Get help from Mens support gropes and do the work to fix you and if your wife sees that you are working on you and not blaming her than just possably she will work on her and things will work out for the best for the children. A child is not a pet, but our future generation and in that it is the parents obligation to get out of the way and teach the children what is needed for the best child posable. Parents need to deal with adult stuff in an adult manner.
There are a lot of posts that know of some one that things have happened to and you have recieved the sympathy you were seeking so now go work on you as a MAN and things will work out as they should and depending on how much work is done by both parents will depend on the true outcome.

Call your boy every night and ask him how his day has been. Text a goodnight message or read a story over the phone. If you are consistant about it, even with the time, I think it gives a great message. Her hurt heart wants you off the planet and you need to make efforts to prove that you are there for your boy (and her). Never, never, never talk bad about your boy's Mom in front of him. She is half of him and when you say bad things about her you are saying bad things about him.

You have plenty advise concerning court action, so I don't need to tread there. Find and follow the parenting plan.

If something I learned from being a single mother who is on the other end of the spectrum, is to not take my personal feelings and throw them into the mixture. It's about the child. I basically laid down how it's "business" and that if there is any discussion to be made about what is best for the child, that both parents still need to take part in the raising of the child...even if both parents aren't always together. I love my son very much and the hardest thing for me, was that his father wasn't there up until this last year. My son is now 5. It was so very hard to handle this because I was used to having our son to myself. I had to let go of my personal angst and think about our son. Even if sometimes I think something might be better to do, I have to bring it up with his father to make sure he knows as well. I always try to fill him in on the info, even though he never inquires about anything. Something you could try is, even if you can't spend the quality time you would like with your child, whether it's because you both haven't had the time to talk about setting up parenting time or she chose to be selfish...you can write letters. Don't forget to date them. Keep them for when your child gets older, they'll see from your point of view that you are trying. Also, there are ways to get help in order to be able to have time to spend with your child. You have rights too.

You love your son and his mom greatly. Without much information to go on I ask you this: have you tried EVERYTHING to keep your family together? Have you loved them unconditionally and sacrificially? Is allowing them to disappear from your life for three months your choice or theirs? Are you prepared to do the work to become a strong male role model and leader of your family no matter what that looks like in the future?

I suggest that you find a mentor that will hold you accountable and advise you on how to be the best father, husband and head of your family. If you need a resource, feel free to contact me.

We all need people around us to learn how to better love our family and raise our kids. Men are so busy with work that they tend to do the best they can with what they have left over. But it doesn't have to be that way. I admire your courage to speak out on a woman's forum seeking advice and community; however, what you need is some strong male role models who can encourage and support you and not distract you from your family.

M.,
The only advice I can give you is, to talk to your wife, explain to her how much she and your little boy mean to you. Keep it civil, don't argue in front of him and let him know every day how much you love him and are their for him. My husband and I are going through kinda the same thing right now. The key is to get along so feelings don't get hurt.

Coming from a mom who was in an abusive relationship with my kids dad for 10 years the biggest piece of advice I can give you is to not argue in front of your son. Its normal for couples to have their disagreements but if you have to discuss it, do it when you son is not around. If it means you have to table your fight till he is sound asleep then so be it.

Don't give up on your kid! So many daddies throw in the towel when the relationship doesn't work. Ask his mama to get some counseling with you so that you can work out your problems. It may not get you back together but at least you will learn to communicate better.

M.-
I really know where you are coming from. My brother-in-law is going through the same thing right now. Him and his son's mother were never married, but they were together for the first 3 years of his life. My brother-in-law ended up getting into legal trouble and wasn't able to see his son for a year. But while he was "away" he wrote his son letters and sent him cards on special occasions. He then sent these items to his brother (my husband)to give to his son. This way he was able to ensure that his son actually recieved them and that his ex didn't just throw them away out of spite. I suggest that you use a median type person like my husband was. Sometimes, having a family member who is neutral helps alot. We helped him be able to see his son on a regular basis, without the bickering between his parents. Is there anyone you know who could possibly talk to your boy's mother to see if you can regularly see your son? Good luck in everything!
~A.

M.,
I appluad you for truly being concerned about your son. Being a single mom of 2 children whose fathers have not even tried to contact them I know the pain of what children go through when a parent is absent from their lives.
My advice to you keep loving your son, don't give up on seeing him in the future, and do your very, very best to send cards, gifts,and phone calls, because even if you are not able to see your son these efforts will make a difference to him.
Keep the faith and do not lose hope!
R.

I am the biggest supporter of 'faith', although I must say I didnt have much some years back when my now husband and I were not together and already had a child. My husband always used to say that old cliche "where there's a will there's a way" and he just always believed we would be together even though I thought I hated him(hate to say it. We just couldnt work things out at that time and he truly got on my nerves at one point and somehow we were able to overcome our issues -after 7 years-and I think with a little maturity we reconciled, got married and have a second child and we've been married now 6 years and counting. As for your son, the best advice I can give is to just do everything you can to see him whether or not things work out with his mother. I honestly believe kids need 2 active parents in their lives, especially boys when it comes to needing their fathers. Stay strong and keep hope alive! Thats what my husband would tell you. Good Luck M..

~T.

M.,

You don't say how old your little one is, but I'm guessing that he's still pretty little. First and foremost that comes to my mind is 1) Never ever fight in front of him. Kids have a wonderful ability to internalize **everything** and make problems their fault, i.e.: If I listened better and was good Mommy and Daddy wouldn't fight. 2) If you can't be nice, be neutral. You may not get along with your son's mother for whatever reason, but Never ever badmouth her in front of your son. It can cause feelings of resentment from him toward you, and will also make him feel like he has to defend her.

Without know more of the details of what's not going right between you and her I'd suggest going to court and getting either custody or visitations at the very least. Having not seen you son for three months may be a strike against you if you haven't made any effort to see him, but a strike against her if she's been keeping him from you.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Hi M.,

Not seeing your son for three months sounds like a very bad situation for both him and you. I think you need a legal mediator to set down the rules. I suggest James Shipman of Podrasky, Shipman & Shields (in Everett). You need a parenting plan and it should include making sure neither parent bashes the other but only says positive things when the other parent is brought up in conversation. But your son needs you, and you need him, and if that is being withheld from you, then you need a legal mediator to set that right. Set healthy boundaries for all involved. A son needs his father, believe me. I have four children, two boys and two girls and was widowed. Believe me when I tell you, your child needs you.

Good Luck & God Bless,

D. P.

I am so sorry for you and your family. If you haven't, you might read The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, or the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. If there's still a flicker of hope, those books would be enlightening - well even if there isn't a flicker of hope they would probably give lots of explanations. I cannot imagine taking my boys away from their Daddy. They love him to pieces, and live to jump in his arms when he returns for the day. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands taught me about men - specifically my husband, and his needs, and how meeting those simple needs brought us both infinite joy and fulfillment in our marriage. We rarely bicker or quarrel now, and it's been four years since reading it. The first four years were rocky. Best wishes to you.

just make sure when you do have contact with the child and mom that you DO NOT argue in front of them. If you have things to discuss make sure the child is not standing there listening to you and her. Send him off to play or something. A child always thinks it is there fault when the parents argue. good luck and hope your time with your child is great.

I would find a way to see my son as soon as possible, if I were you.

I feel for you, and hope that you find a way to fix this problem and to be with your son (and possibly his mom). How great it is to hear that you care so much about your son and his mom - that is wonderful! I admire how much you love and care for your son.

My advice: DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO HAVE A (good) RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SON.

I don't know your whole situation, so that could be anything:
Counselling
Legal council
Private investigation
Detox

Whatever you need to do, just do it - your son needs you.

I wish you and your son all the luck in the world.

My husband and I are currently dissolving our marriage, but we will be co-parents for life. All though we can not be married, we are determined to stay friends for the kids. My husband is military and so he will go most of each year not seeing his boys. One thing we have decided is that we got an phone plan with unlimited calls between the boys and their father, so he can talk to them every night when they go to bed. We got duplicate books and her reads over the phone while they look at the pictures from home.

The best thing to do for your kids is find a way to be friends with your ex.

Listen deeply and answer her with I feel________ when you _____and I prefer ________. Women need to be understood and men appreciated. Even if you don't agree with how she feels say I can understand how you could feel that way. Women have to protect their whole child's future both emotionally and physically. Creating a safe place to talk, play and live is important. Sometimes just saying I'm sorry we're fighting or mis communicating helps. Sometimes my husband and I are trying to get on the same page but we're just explaining it different so listen between the lines. She may want stability and safety. My husband and I have had to give up the "drunken monkey stumbling life" and move on to stable consistency and a routine to keep up the demands of our wonderful and challenging son. I can't do it all and even though my husband works full time and we're building a cabin for a rec business on weekends to avoid daycare he still helps. He's the dad and he's not agreeing to babysit but it's his job to bathe, change, brush teeth, feed, wash bottles, etc. Good luck and remember new things feel uncomfortable at first but then you appreciate and enjoy it later. Hang in there. We've been together 14 years and married 11 and we still have plenty of disagreements. Problem solving and trying with patience is the key. Just come to her from a caring and empathetic place.

I really have no advice to offer, but wanted to congratulate you on caring enough to ask. Alot of parents just try to feel their way thru these diffcult situations. Kudos to you M.!

Let your ex know how important it is for you to be involved with your child's life. That it is important to make it about your child and not about your and her problems. Let your son live his life as a child. Don't say bad things about eachother in front of your son. Also, I don't know the cause of your split, but there is pain involved and a recovery time is necessary. Most importantly, make it clear to your child that this is not about him and how much you both love him very much.

M.,

I would have to agree with many of the below suggestions. Having been through a divorce myself, I do have another one other suggestion to make: find a great person to give you some guidance. I'm sure you are grieving a huge loss in your life, and a non-invested third party may be just the ear you need to listen. This person may be a counselor, a person in your community of faith, or just someone that is wise and thoughtful in their actions and words.

Friends are great to talk with, however, sometimes they aren't as honest as they need to be in the interest of not hurting our feelings, and sometimes friendships fall apart after split-ups, due to who was friends with whom before the relationship, or how others interpret the split. I've also had the experience of being "talked out" by more than one friend who only wanted to discuss their relationship troubles. This is also another reason I mention seeking outside help.

Talking to an objective (and uninvolved) third party isn't about "there's something wrong with me" but more about "I want to be happier, gain some guidance as to how to continue, step by step, and to come to terms with whatever I need to accept". This isn't always easy, but in what you have written, it's obvious that you care very much for your ex. While you can't control her actions, you don't shouldn't be limited by them, either. It's important to find a healthy path to continue on so that you can move forward as a person. Progressing positively in your relationships with both she and your son is important, no matter what form those relationships finally end up taking.

One final note: you will always be your son's father. This is a tough place to be in right now, but you will have opportunities to continue to father your son. Phone calls, letters, notes and just keeping in touch will keep you in his mind and heart. Don't drop the ball, even if she does.

My best to you.

my parents were married 4 times each. main thing that i would say is DO NOT BAD MOUTH EACH OTHER AT ALL!!! i always felt the pressure of chosing sides which is incredibly hurtful and wrong. if you want to try to work things out i would suggest the book The Five Languages by Gary Chapman, it really helped us and i find myself thinking about it when i am really upset with my hubby. -hope it works out.