Seeking Comforting Words for Son Who Misses His Daddy

I divorced when my DS was 4 and would def. recommend counseling at this time. My DS had/has a lot of issuses that counseling has helped even though I didn't get him into it untill he was having problems in school. I wish I had started it a lot sooner. I have a friend who divorced when their kids were 16 & 9 and they stayed here with their dad and he won't get either of them into counseling (this happened 2 yrs ago) and they both still have problems.I know how hard it is and I'm glad his dad is visiting him that will help. Hugs to you both.

Would your husband consider getting webcams? I saw this with a family who had a dad that traveled constantly. Each night he would "check in" from his computers' webcam and the kids could see him, he could see them, it worked beautifully. I think it might work in your case. This way you can put a more postive spin on things. Possibly , Dad could "check in" right after school AND before bed. Worth a try!

That is such a hard thing to go through. I went through this and my daughter is going through it now. I went to counceling when I was younger and I have taken my daughter before, it seemed to help because she and I were able to discuss our feelings without having to worry about hurting anyones feelings.

I also remember my Mom getting me my own phone line just for Dad. Dad got the number and no one else so I could talk to him whenever I wanted to and Dad could call me whenever he wanted to as well. I would do this for my daughter but she is 6 and I think that is still a bit too young, but 8 is a great age!

Maybe you should both consider joint custody. It sounds like your son could really use that type of living arrangements. I love the idea of having him call his dad everytime he gets the chance. Also have your ex send him letters/cards in the mail. Make sure he calls his son every night before bedtime and in the morning before school/daycare. Maybe you will see a change in your son if you ex makes more attempts to contact him.

I would encourage him to call his dad whenever he needs to talk to him. Let him know that he can always seek him out even if it's not his dad's weekend for visitation. I think that is very important. I am a step mom to 3 kids and one thing we did was make sure they knew that they could come here or call whenever they needed to no questions asked. We have let them know that our home is open to them always!! There is a great book called "Moms House Dad's House" and it has wonderful ideas on how to share custody that's really best for the kids. If you're both on board with it, it can work and I think your son would do better. As far as counseling, absolutely!! 8 is not to young and there are counselors that specialize in children whose parents are going through divorce. It might help him to be able to express his feelings to someone other than mom or dad. Good luck!

This might hurt. but in the next 5 years you will have to let you son go and live with his father. He will need him more. right now it is you that he needs.

It is so important for your son to be reassured that the divorce is not his fault. All kids think that when going through a divorce.

Also, his daddy should make an "appointment" to call your son every night at the same time just to say:"Hi, how was your day? Did you get your homework done, etc..." They need to stay connected on a daily basis. This is what your son is missing. (It would be the same as if your husband was out of town on business; he needs to stay close at least in the emotional way.)

Unfortunately, many men won't do this; my brother did not and now his son is 25 and wants nothing to do with my brother. They are both the loosers.

Another option that might help is to have your son involved in a boy's activity at a local church: Royal Rangers are great organizations that have men leading boys to instill values of honesty, hard work, etc. while going camping and doing activities together. I have seens lots of boys go through that program and really blossom while going through a divorce.

Hope this helps.

Not to scare you but- You may want to try counseling, etc. At 12 years old, legally your son can decide to go live with his dad.

I am so sorry for what you are going through and I'm sure it's hard to see your little boy sad and missing his daddy. That is normal and I know that does not make it any better or the situation any lighter to deal with, this is not an easy thing to deal with, on your side or your little boy. What ever you do, please dont be burdened with guilt. You and your husband did not work out for reasons that you only know. Now, you have to move on. So, don't allow the guilt take over your emotions and your idenity. It really sounds like you have experienced some hard times and I think your little boy is just having a hard time understanding what has happend and why. He might even be blaming himself, which is normal. You may want to get him in counseling, it can only be positive. Learning to deal with what life throws at us is hard and challenging for everyone. You love your little one and it sounds like he just needs some help to deal with his feelings of loss and the change that he has had to go through.

I would seek professional help and again, I am sorry, it's just not easy, please take care.

Love N.

Definitely receive counseling because so many times the children think that it is their fault. Also going thru divorce myself with my two sons, it seems the more that you and your ex can be on a friendly basis, the healthier the children are after divorce.

Hi N.. I have been divorced 13years and I can promise you it will be no easy ride for your child. If I can ask - no beg for one thing - get marriage counseling first then retry marriage. It will make all the difference in your child's life.
I pray that things have not progressed so far that they cannot be mended. If you have married late and so has he, your divorce percentages are extremely high compared to a twenty yr old but to your benefit, you are more mature and smarter. Talk with your soon to be ex and discuss the possibilities of repairing your marriage for the sake of the child or even working on an "open" visitation schedule if repair is not possible.
Most kids don't even see much of their father's during the week anyway-so weekends are very important and need to be as amicable as possible. My heart aches for my child all the time. My Ex and I are both remarried and I promise - no one loves your child like you both do.
Please think about things.
Your child is at the age where they start worrying about their parents safety and their own security and he is losing that security. His fears are not just the loss of his father but the loss of the life he knew and loved.
I pray for you all and even if your ex does not cooperate for counseling - please go yourself so you can stay healthy for your son. He will need you more now then ever.
Love and hugs to you and your family. C.

Your son is experiencing separation anxiety and I would recommend a good counselor. I am a family spiritual counselor but can recommend someone if you want,

B.

Dear N.,

First of all I am so sorry to hear about your divorce. Divorce is always hard on everyone involved, especially the children.

My parents divorced when I was young & I got a divorce when my son was young also. As a child of divorce, I can tell you that it is perfectly normal for your son to be missing his dad. I will give you advise that I feel would have helped me if my dad would have done it differently & what I feel would have helped my son if I would have been able to convince my ex-husband to cooperate.

As far as your soon-to-be-ex goes- I believe it would be helpful to your son if his dad would call him every evening or every day at some point to ask him about his day & just to let your son know that his dad is thinking of him & loves him even though they are now living apart! (plus it will give your son something to look forward to daily) Also, it is very, very, very important that his dad DOES NOT skip visit's unless there is a TRUE emergency!!! Skipped visits because of this reason or that just makes the child feel like they are "less important" and that is a horrible feeling for a child. Encourage your ex to be involved in as many activities involving your son as possible (sports, school functions, ect.) If your son knows that he can still depend on his dad to be a part of his life on a regular basis it will help get him through this very hard ajustment period.

As far as you go- It really sounds like you are doing everything you can! THERE ARE NO OTHER WORDS OTHER THAN "I LOVE YOU & YOUR DADDY LOVES YOU VERY MUCH" THAT WILL COMFORT HIM ANY BETTER! It is really all you can do. I know it literally feels like your heart is breaking while your watching your son hurt. I have been in your shoes as well & my heart really goes out to you!

As far as counceling goes- I wouldn't say DON'T take him, but I am not really sure that you would get the results that you would be hoping for. There is no "magic wand" that will make it all better! It really depends on your son's personality. Your son would have to be receptive to the idea of recieving the counceling which would involve participation on his part. Boys are less likely to open up & talk to outsiders, as I found out. I took my son to counceling numerous times between the ages of 5 to 12 & never could get him to cooperate. That is a decision you would have to make based on your son's personality. Overall if you & his dad are there for him every step of the way through this difficult time (& it will be a very difficult time, there is nothing that will change that fact), that will do more good for your son than any councelor!!

PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! God is there for you & for your son! Teach your son to rely on God for assurance & understanding. One of my favorite sayings that I'll share with you (you may have heard it before) is:

"If He leads us to it; He will lead us through it!"

You will be in my thoughts & prayers.

Hi N.....
I think counseling is not a bad idea, but it is so normal for him to miss his daddy.
I am a child of divorced parents, and I am also a foster mom, so I deal with kids missing their parents all the time. We do have them in counseling, but it is because of all the other issues.
The reason counseling might be a good idea, is that it gives him an outsider to confide in and then he doesn't have the pressure of worrying that he might be making you sad too! (Kids worry about this stuff!)
I think for you and your husband to reassure your son that the divorce is not because of anything he did. (Kids OFTEN blame themselves for their parents problems.) A counselor can also help with this.
Be VERY picky about the counselor you choose. Make sure they are child psychologists, and if they have training and experience in play therapy that is really important.
If your child doesn't like the counselor, find a new one! (I have learned this through trial and error!)
I hope this all works out for you! You are an incredible woman!!!! Hang in there!
C., Mom to two of my own and 5 more that have been placed in my care.

so sorry to hear that your family is going through a divorce. I don't think there is any one thing that you could say to make your son feel better. Its going to take time. I think counseling is a great idea. I'm not sure where you live but I attend Watermark Community Church in north Dallas and they have a great program for kids and for adults called Divorce Care to help individuals work through the pain and loss of a divorce. It might help your son to hear from other kids who are going through the same thing. There is something very healing about a group setting that you don't seem to get from one on one counseling. Check out www.watermark.org if you are close by and interested. This is definately not the kind of place where you would get shunned on the contrary its a place where you and you son can be accepted and loved. Sorry again that you and your family are going through this!

definately consider counseling. Also, if the two of you can afford a cell phone for him, it sometimes helps for the child to have his own phone that has dad's number programmed in so that he can call him at any time. If you think he is responsible enough to handle it I would look into it.
Make sure his father knows how he feels and work together to make the transistions easier on him. If you know their plans for the weekend then you can give him a rundown before he leaves and end with then then you get to come home and be with me. Also, make sunday nights special. Do something with just the two of you on sunday nights so that he has something to look forward to. Maybe you make and eat dessert together or play a board game, etc.
I've been dealing with this almost my son's entire life. It will get better and the most important thing you can do is hold him when he cries and be a strong role model. He'll get through this and so will you.

Hi N.,

So sorry to hear that you and your son are going through such a rough time. I will keep you in my prayers.

I have a 6 year old daughter who currently not able to see her Dad due to our separating and he moving to his Dad's in Conn. I have had lots of problems with her. I currently have her in play therapy with a christian counsellor in Arlington. The counsellor is Marjorie Noble with the Center for Cunselling and Enrichment. The are part of First Baptist Church of Arlington. It seems to be helping her and me to deal with the issues.

I also see lots of this kind of thing. I am a divorce attorney as well. There are different programs that are very good out there if you wanted to try one of those. Our courts refer families to them when needed but you don't have to have a referral to go into the programs. There is a really good program called Children In The Middle. I would suggest that both you and your husband take the course. If he will not go voluntarily, then ask your attorney to have it ordered by the court. I would be glad to give you some other information I have if you want it or please talk to your attorney about these programs.

Like you, I married at 42 and had my one and only daughter at 43. We are not considering divorce at this time and hope that we will not have to go down that road.

I will pray for you and your son. I wish you much luck. Please contact me if you wish.

J.

Yes, go to counseling. You may be saying the right words, but he needs someone to help him understand. The best both you and his father can do is to continue to show him as much love as possible.
Good Luck and know that you will be in my prayers.
J.

Hi N., First, I am so sorry this is happening. Second, keep doing everything you are doing. Children can't hear enough how much they are loved by their parents, especially. An idea is that his Dad can call him every day/night (or every other) at about the same time so that they can "catch up". It can be just another call, not dramatic, and then he has had his Daddy fix! Hopefully, Dad can talk about "2 days until I see you" and then your son is not lost in the world of when will I see him again. Something else that I have learned, is to simply acknowledge when your child says something like "I miss Daddy". Stop - sit - listen - then move on. Don't drag it out or try to assume or place ideas or emotions on it that is not there. They simply need to know that someone gets them and understands. Hope this helps.

T.

N., I have never been through this but can only imagine the difficulties. However, I do know that DivorceCare is a WONDERFUL resource! There is something called DivorceCare for kids. So while you attend a session, he is also. I don't konw the details of it all but I know the of the authors and the quality they produce. I was skimming through the other responses and DivorceCare and counseling seem to be the best advice. I know those 2 things don't fix your problem tomorrow but it will help guide you and him through this time and hopefully, help him grow stronger through this. If you need to find a place where they offer it you can go to divorcecare.com. Godspeed!

When my husband and I separated, we did something different than most separated couples. It is a co-parenting technique called NESTING.

NESTING means that the KIDS GET ONE HOUSE and the parents come and go according to a schedule that works best for them. For us, the schedule was something like this: I'd pick up the kids from school, cook dinner, start homework, and when hubby got home from work, usually between 7 and 8 PM, I would leave and go to my place. Sometimes, hubby would stop and pick up dinner somewhere and bring it home. Sometimes, I would stay and eat with them, then leave. Our conversation in front of the kids was carefully limited to what was going on in their lives, i.e. "There's a cross-country meet on Sat. in Denton. Do you have the map?" or "We've got snacks this Sat. for his soccer game. Do you have time to get the snacks? Or should I?" After I'd leave, he'd spend the evening with our children, wash any dishes, pack school lunches for the next day, fold any laundry that I may have left on the couch for him to fold with the kids' help, read bed-time stories, and tuck them in. I enjoyed peaceful evenings at my place. I'd watch TV without interuption or read or put on a facial mask and sit in the tub. The next morning, I'd come back as hubby left for the gym around 5:30 AM. I'd shower, and at 6:30 AM, wake the kids, and get them ready for school, then we'd leave for school and work. In our case, on the days, that hubby had to travel out of town, which was every other week, I'd stay overnight at the kids' house.

Some people wouldn't understand why I would put myself through the inconvenience of showering and getting ready for work at a house that I didn't sleep at - - but the kids saw both parents almost every day and I thought that was MOST important. And 5 years later, our kids have transitioned smoothly into a 2-home situation & they are doing well in school and in life. We had no problems with crying, blaming, acting out at school, etc. ((Knock wood.)) If I was choosing my path in life, divorce would NOT be it, but I am glad I did choose NESTING.

We also used COLLABORATIVE LAW for our divorce. No court dates, no judge deciding how to split up our property or deciding the kids' visitation schedule for us. We sat around a table with our 2 collaborative-lawyers and hammered out the details for ourselves. For example, in a regular divorce, sometimes the judge decides that one parent would get the kids Christmas Eve, then hand them over to the other parent on Christmas Day. Well, that would eliminate any out-of-town trips to visit relatives during Christmas Break. So, we decided to give one parent first-dibs on the kids in even-numbered years and the other parent would get first-dibs to take them on a trip in odd-numbered years.

Not trying to preach - but is reconciling a possiblility. I know sometimes that is not the answer - but I do hate to see kids go through divorce when we as adults could work a little harder or make some adjustments that could change our lives for the better.

some comforting words...to take care of widows and orphans this is "pure" religion. God promises to be a husband to the widow and a father to the orphan. We will be praying for you.

My heart breaks for all of you. I think counseling is a must! No matter what you say to your son to comfort him, I'm sure he also knows this isn't an easy time for you either. He needs someone he can unload on that he feels safe with and feels he's not betraying either parent with anything he says. Someone that will help him gain the tools to communicate his thoughts and feelings, with an understanding that he has a right to all of those feelings. No guilt involved. A professional can not only help your son, but give you strategies to help him. Personally, I believe it should be required in every divorce involving children. Best of luck...keep the communication and love flowing!

I wish you the best. You are the only one who knows what is best for you and your son. Trust yourself. Don't be afraid of counseling. What do have to lose from trying it? You don't have to continue if it ends up being a waste of time, which I doubt.
J.

I was his age when my parents divorced. Its a very confusing time for him right now. I don't think counseling could hurt. It seems to me that you are doing things the right way. Just be patient with him and show him that unconditional love that you have for him.

Here's a computer hug coming your way! Would it be possible for your son to call Dad when he is missing him? Perhaps if he has a sort of instant access, he'll feel less cut off. And counseling might do both of you some good. It's obvious you have your own loneliness and pain issues with which to deal. I was left alone after 20 years of marriage with my 13 year old son (who is now 34) and the best thing I did for myself was see a therapist. Just remember today isn't forever. It's only today. There is every chance tomorrow will be better. Take care of yourself.
B

I am having a similar experience. I am 41 and my divorce was final in March after 1 year. In the begining my son was missing his dad very bad. We talked after each visit and I asked everything that went on and then we talked about his next visit and what he was looking forward to. After those conversations we would talk about our next couple of weeks. It helped him to transition back to mommy time and the tears stoped very quickly after we began that ritual. My son is 7. Good luck.

Hi N.:

I feel so for your son. My eight year old son goes through the same thing so I know what you are going through (although we moved to Texas from Michigan 2 1/2 years ago - so he misses his dad long-distance. Every time there is a good-bye at the airport, it's heartbreaking).

It is so difficult on our boys. The only thing that helps mine is that he can call his dad any time of the day and night. He knows his dad's cell phone and work numbers. They talk almost every single day, sometimes twice a day, because his daddy misses him just as much.

I don't know if this was a new idea to you or not, just wanted to let you know that there is someone else out there feeling you and your sons pain...

Does your son have lots of friends with dad's who might include him in activities and treat him like a son. The more family or friends with men the better (as long as they are good to your son). Also, there are lots of dads out there that travel and are away from their sons so they don't have that much quality time with their dad anyway. So your son may be getting more quality time with both parents than he realizes. He misses the marriage. I'm so sorry marriages don't perservere any longer. I've been married 46 years and it hasn't been easy, but it was the right thing to stay together - - lots of compromises have gone on in this marriage. I think that is the secret to long marriages. Good Luck! I wish I had better advice. Big Brothers is another source you could use for your son as well.

Sandy

My son's father and I divorced when he was 7...it was really tough. I did eventually take him to some counseling because it was effecting his behavior at school. If it's the right counselor, it can't hurt, but sometimes if you just have a male family member spend time with him, it can help too. A grandfather, uncle or even someone at church? That helped my son a little. The sad part is there is NO easy way for your son to adjust, it will just take time. Sounds like you are doing everything, I know it breaks your heart to see him hurting.

My heart goes out to you. I know a wonderful therapist in the Euless Hurst area. Her name is Dr. Susan Gifford. Go to her website for more info. I've used her with both of my sons, ages 5 and 7.

Hey N.,

My husband and I just separated last week. I immediately got online and ordered some books online to find out how to help my daughters with the transistion (they are 5 & 6). I ordered "how to deal with divorce the sandcastle way" and have just started it. It is so good! I cannot offer you any tried and true advice right now as I am just starting the process myself, but I can be here for support when you want to vent - because I am going through the same thing. My oldest was very teary when her daddy and I told her he was leaving. We had her pack a box of her special things to take with her when he moved and she went with him that night to spend the night and set up her "space" there at his new house. That helped tremendously.

Keep in touch and let me know what's happening. I'll keep reading and let you know what advice I get from that book.

Take care and e-mail me if you want to talk. Divorce is hard, but a crappy marriage is even harder.

K.

N.-
I have been divorced 6+years(in 2001). I had 1 daughter, now almost 10.
I did remarry in 2006 and we had 1 son now 16 months old. Everyone gets along very well..my husband, daughter and new brother. I just spent some time with my daughter in her room and she confessed to me that she wished her father and I would be together. Her father just went through another divorce this past year and already has a new girlfriend. But..this is what all kids ever think about is the fantasy of their parents still together.
So YES consider counseling for both of you, do NOT say anything negative about the other parent(kids have bionic
ears). I wish you the best of luck!!Also speak with your guidance counselor at your sons school, they are a wealth of knowledge.

I experienced the same when my son was 6 and I understand your heartbreak -- I am so sorry. My son is now 9 1/2 and still cries at times. He, too, sees his dad on the schedule you're following.
Please consider contacting RAINBOWS, a peer program for children (and adults, although the program originated for the kids) of loss. They meet at West Plano Presbyterian Church on Custer in Plano. You can call the church and leave a message for the Rainbow coordinator: ###-###-####.
Rainbows will put your son in a group with children his age and they work through the program and learn coping skills. Please contact them for more information.
A note about "shared" custody -- initially the idea of splitting the child's life between the two households sounds good in that the children would get equal time. However, I've seen, too, that kids in a 50/50 split can sometimes feel as if they have no permanent place (home)...

Hello N. C -- a dear friend of mine read your story and forwarded it to me. She felt that we would easily talk as we have so much in common. We are about the same age, I'm a Realtor and I went through a divorce when my son was your son's age. Two years later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and am now cancer free.

Divorce is a tough road at times but some advice that people gave me that always helped me keep my focus was "if the mom is okay, the kid is okay." It's hard for us moms because we worry about everything. I think you are doing a great job keeping him involved in things and giving him your attention. He also needs to see that you are happy and secure (even if at times you are scared to death) and that's where "finding the right words" is only part of it. Remember, he is watching you, loving you and learning from you all the time. I found a wonderful counselor named Kathleen Lizama ###-###-#### or ###-###-#### who was instrumental in helping both my son and I. It's been 3 years since I've been divorced and I still take my son to see her a few times a year just to chat. I guess I want them to still have a relationship in case something does come up that bothers him. He knows she's around.

Another helpful thing to do is let his teachers know what your concerns are. They can be most helpful. One thing my son does is email his dad (it helps him practice typing and spelling, too!) and of course I let him call him whenever he wants. Hopefully your husband is sensitive to his son's thoughts. It may get better with time but it sounds like you are a wonderful, caring mom. He's lucky to have you.

You mentioned he cries after every visit -- I wonder if you can start a routine for when he returns home that may help him focus on something rather than hurting by saying goodbye. I don't know what it would be but the concept is, redirecting him into a positive activity or conversation that peaks his interest. I know my son and I enjoy board games and on Sunday nights we have movie night and he's in charge of microwaving the popcorn. He gets excited to see which movie I picked out for us to see together when his dad drops him off at 6pm. Just a thought.

I'll be thinking of you and praying the road gets a bit smoother for you!

L.

I recently acquired the book, The Boys' and Girls Book of Divorce. I am beginning to read it with my 10-year-old. Her dad and I divorced in 2006, but we're still dealing with his absence. You might try this book. Also, our church has a great course for single parents and their children. Try chekcing with your church.

L.

Hi, I saw your question and wanted to respond. I'm a counselor who specializes in working with children and adolescents. 8 is a great age for counseling so that might be an option that you start to look into. You may be already doing this but a transitional object that your son can take with him to visit dad may help comfort him. The manner in which the parents handle the divorce is the one of the biggest influences in how the children will respond so it's important that you and your husband aren't talking bad about each other or putting your son in the middle. I hope this was helpful. I could easily write an essay here but don't have enough space!

Hi N.. First of all, I'm so sorry you and your family are going thru this hard time. My heart just breaks for your son. I was the same age when my parents divorced so I have a different perspective on it. I've read that this age is the absolute worst time in a childs life to go thru this so as you know, its very delicate. Ya know, i just stopped crying about my parents divorce a couple years ago. At such a young age, i was extremely depressed and gained a bunch of weight. I moved to a new school, new house, and got a new step-family all within a year of the seperation. Not that you are, but please wait a considerable amount of time before re-entering the dating world. It will really affect your son. Anyways, my mom had me in counseling every week for the longest time and even though it didnt take the pain away, it helped alleviate it. I highly recommend it. Insurance pays for it so thats good. I truly wish you the best.

I would do something closer to 50/50. It's clear that your son really needs more daddy time and it sounds like you are open to doing what's best for him...

Other things include more phone time, buying a web cam, writing him emails, stuff like that...

Maybe there are books you can find online and tapes. yes,, i would say therapy for sure! the seminary has free counseling and there is a place called the warm place. in a small way, i can feel your hurt for him, bc my son's best friend ditched him b/c of the kid's mom. It hurts me that my child hurts. Try to say strong positive words that have a classic feel because this pain he has won't ever truly leave although the sharpness and sting will subside. The words u use now u will use again and can become a positive mantra to come back to for solace later.
A. God has a purpose and we don't know now what that is but we do know he will not waste a single hurt or tear and he uses these times to make us stronger.
B. Pray thru it. Together. I don't know why this is happening but I am sorry you are hurting. We can take our hurts to God and ask Him to heal us.
C. We can pray for your Dad's hurts and we can pray that GOd will open his eyes to be more understanding and nurturing of your hurts.

God bless y'all. You sound like a trooper!

Yes counseling. It will help both of you and reassure you that he will get through this. Is the father able to have other times during the "off" time? Even another dinner often helps. Let me know if you need referrals to good counselors - I am a collaborative divorce attorney and we are very encouraging of using mental health professionals to get the entire family through divorce. There are a lot of really great books out there as well. J. D.

I would definitely get him into counseling now. Divorce is difficult for everyone and I think it wonderful that you and your husband are handling it with grace. It is very difficult for boys to not see their daddy's. I know it is TOTALLY different, but my husband travels most weeks Monday through Friday and we have lots of tears, sadness and drama that seemed to start to increase after he turned 2. Boys miss that "Daddy time". He will be okay and so will you. It will work out, but get some counseling and let him express his feelings to a third party. I am SURE that he knows how much you both love him, but it is a grieving process for all involved. God bless you and your family!