Seeking Advise for Wives with Husbands Away a Lot

I can appreciate where you are coming from. My husband works in the film industry and is gone for 2-6 months at a time. Being on your own with kids 24/7 can be challenging, frustrating, tiring, the list goes on.

First, when you talk to your husband about wanting some me time why do you bring up his job at all? Why can't you just say, "Hey, Thursday night I'm going out to dinner with my friends?"

Secondly, why don't you hire a babysitter for one night when your husband is away or even for a Saturday afternoon so that you can have some alone time or time with friends while your husband is working?

My husband was never away until recently. He always seemed aware of my need to get OUT once in a while. I think it was because of the times I would go for a couple hours and leave him with the children. When we had three little ones, I went out for a meeting one night & he was responsible for dinner and putting them to bed. When I came home, I was surprised to see the house cleaned up too, and his first words were "I don't know how you manage to do this all day, every day."

He's been away for work (military) for 2 months now. I know his work is hard; I know he's busy when he's not at work, but he and I both know I have the harder job right now caring for the children and the house,... alone. I'm so busy with life that when he calls or we chat online, I'm distracted a lot of the time.

I agree with Kimberly. Let him know what's in your post. Let him know how nice it will be for the family (especially him) when you've had a chance to rejuvenate your spirit and body.

--R. J.

I just saw the movie "FireProof" Have you seen it? Your husband being a firefighter, that movie came to mind right away. From the movie is a book called the "Love Dare" and you can get all kinds of good information from their website www.fireproofyourmarriage.com. The movie and the book and additional resourses are just excellent. I feel that I have a great marriage and communication is a pretty good quality that we have. I did like what some of the other ladies said about Men just needing the facts. As my mom said "Men think in Pockets" I am blessed that my husband is one whom I can talk to about feelings and emotions and thank goodness or I would go crazy:) any how all marriages, I believe can become stale and get to a point where we just take for granted and live the day to day etc. getting by... The "FireProof" movie really brings you back to the reason you first got married and why it is worth protecting, improving and preserving. It would be awesome for you to both watch and I would think he would find it interesting as it revolves around a Fire Captain and his crew etc. I am going to incorperate my own version of the 40 day love dare challange into my marriage - because I feel "Hey what can it hurt?"

S.,
Your husband might understand your needs better if he were to spend one whole day alone running the house and caring for the boys. Communication is the key to good relationships. Maybe it would be easier to put your thoughts in a letter. You have more time to get it all out without being interrupted or more time to think of how you want to say something. Start by telling him how much you appreciate him and the work he does. It is important for your sanity to get a little "me" time. Let your husband know you just need to recharge your batteries in order to be a better mom and wife. My husband is a pilot and has been since I've known him. He's not gone as often as your husband and I only have one child, but I know the importance of "me" time. Keep trying to communicate that to your spouse. Good luck.

K.

Yes, my first husband was in the Coast Guard therefore constantly patrolled and was away for long periods of time. My current husband travels quite a lot for business.
It seems to me the more I talk to other moms, the more I find this situation common.
For me, I make sure that I have a reliable babysitter at hand. I believe that I parent much better when I take care of myself.
Look into your life and figure out some things that you like to do. Is it hiking, taking an exercise/yoga class or is it going out to eat, watching movies, meeting friends? I would suggest to schedule (just like you would a dentist appointment) (so you stick to it) on your weekly calendar time that the kids are with a babysitter and you can do whatever you'd like to. This will replenish your energy, which will make you feel good, which will reflect in your relationships with your husband and kids.
From first hand experience, it really makes a difference.
Enjoy life!

I read all of these responses with interest b/c my husband is gone a lot too. I was starting to feel sorry for myself the other day about it. It's nice to know others feel the same. I just hired a high school girl to babysit every week and it helps ALOT!

And then my close girlfriend is desperatly trying to conceive w/o luck and I feel like I can't discuss this with her b/c she idealizes having kids and I start to feel like I'm complaining.

Hi S., boy do I hear you loud and clear. My husband is a pilot and we have been married for almost 17 years. I have a 6 and a 4 year old. I will tell you he is a wonderful man and just like your husband being a pilot is who he is. It has been his dream since he was old enough to walk to an airplane. So like you I would never ask him to change (although in moments of weakness I have). Last year this just got to be too much and I almost was ready to leave. We did seek counseling and was the best thing we ever did. I found out that my not taking time for myself was making things worse. I found out that I just need to present things like it is fact ie "I am going on a girls weekend x weekend. I need a break" We also found out that I needed to be hiring a babysitter at least once a week. This was not cost effective for us, but have made it happen. Sometimes I actually go to Starbucks to sit and read a book the entire time. I don't drink coffee either. It has made a difference in my mental health and I am only jealous very few times when he leaves. I also know that is my cue that I have not been taking care of myself very well. Good luck and remember men always take care of themselves no matter what it is ok if we do as well. We are better wives, mothers, lovers and all around better people when we do. Good luck I hope this helps.

I had the same problem when my husband was a doctor and on call every other night and every other weekend. Leaving him with 3 kids under the age of 4 (one disabled) was not an option as he was quite able to fall asleep anytime anywhere. Looking back I see we survived without any family nearby. I joined a co-operative babysitting group which operated during the day and we women traded hours. At night we occasionally hired a baby sitter which was not always a safe proposition. Now that I'm a grandmother I wonder how I did it and my kids with their own children often say "Mom , how did you do that?" You will look back on those days with love and wish your kids were young again. Try to get some daily help or trade with friends. Let your husband do his thing. My husband is now the greatest grandfather a kid could have, because he realizes he lost out on some great years in his own kids' lives. But they still love him very much.
D.

Hi S.,
I too am a married "single" Mom. My husband works for an airline and is gone at least 5 days a week, sometimes up to two weeks at a time. It is certainly not easy being the parent responsible for everything and then adding a job on top of that. I found that my husband had a tendency to be so removed that he would come home and not even know which clothes fit which child...meaning that when he came home I had to guide him through simple tasks. But the worst part was that anytime I wanted to take an hour or two to go shopping or see a friend (without kids), he whined about it. It took a little while for me to understand it, but I realized that he honestly didn't know what to do with the kids while I was gone...and he felt threatened by the idea. To me, this was simply unacceptable and unfair, so I slowly started taking time for myself away from the kids and him - this was just an hour or two here and there. He soon learned the ropes with the kids again and now does not complain if I say, "Honey, I need to go do this, I'll be gone for a few hours, do you mind?" I even got to go on a 4 day vacation with a friend to Cancun! He did complain about that, but it was jealousy more than anything else.

It is not easy - I know - but he has to understand that when he is away making good money (he is also doing something he loves, has time to work-out, gets his mind clear before coming home) you are home doing the same thing, but with 3 kids in tow...and have absolutely no time for yourself to take care of your needs - working out, friends, and just a little low time.

You can also try looking for a local Mom's co-op which may offer childcare, fitness, and babysitting.

Best of luck!

S.,
I could have written that myself! I am a sahm of two kids 2 1/2 and 1 and my husband is also a firefighter. In addition to his regular shift hours he also has about four or five other things he does for the fire dept (in charge of dept fitness, promotional testing, etc). He also does personal training which he has done out of our home gym for the past year. This business has now outgrown our home gym and he is moving it to a new facility, which means he'll be home even less. I rarely get time out with no kids, except maybe to get groceries. When I do leave he is calling asking when I will be home so he can get some stuff done. I realize he has stuff to do as well but it seems to me that he thinks his things are more important than mine. Since I do not work outside the home I almost never get adult interaction without children. I LOVE being a mom and am very grateful that I am able to stay home with my kids. I was a teacher before I had kids but have always wanted to start a business of my own or go back to school. Now it seems I will never have the time for these things. I understand all these things require his time in order for them to be successful but I guess I get jealous. I get jealous that when he is on shift he is away from home and working with guys that are his friends and he has a great time with. He loves his job and his second passion is fitness so he spends all his time doing things that are enjoyable to him. Lately, this has really been bothering me and when I tell him he says I am just feeling sorry for myself and should not complain so much. I guess I don't really have any advice for you but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. If you ever need to chat, please feel free to let me know! I know what you're going through!

It doesn't need to be about his job. Just tell him, you want this weekend away. Everyone needs a break from life. If he is a great husband and you aren't making him feel bad about his job while asking, then he will surely encourage your trip. If it doesn't work that way, then if I were you, I would say, this is when I am leaving, this is when I will be home and this is what needs to happen while I'm away. I go away overnight with the girls once or twice a year and my husband totally gets it, he does the same.

Hi S.,

I know exactly where you are coming from. My husband is out of town 3 weeks a month. In fact he just left today.

I have two little girls, 3 and 1. I am a SAHM so I spend all my time with my girls.

I know it can become overwhelming and you can grow a little jelous of the hubby. I surround myself with lots of friends who are willing to take my kids for the day once in a while. We also do lots of activities like gymnastics, play days, moms groups...

Most importantly I wanted to say to try to keep it in perspective. I know it seems like he gets to get away (work or not) but he is working (his butt off) to support his kiddos just like you. It is not fun for them to be out of town. As much as you want to get away, he wants to get back. Put yourself in his shoes. He doesn't get to see the kids every morning, or eat with them, or tuck them in bed. He is sleeping in some hotel without his wife next to him. There's no homecooked meals or babies climbing in his lap. I know it's hard, I'm with you. But would you want to be in his shoes missing your spouse and babies everyday.

I also put on the calander "daddy coming home" and we just work toward that day everyday daddy is gone. Once he gets home we celebrate, cake and all.

Good luck and I hope you find a way to cope with this awful "schedule". Oh, and go on that trip!!!

My husband was in sales and out of town for about 15 years of our marriage and I had six kids, so I understand. It sounds like you need to tell him a couple of things - one, you don't want to complain about his long time apart from the family and will try to be better about it in the future. Two - you seriously need some "alone" time or at least some vacation time with him alone (I recommend this one, as well, to strengthen your marriage). This is a preventive measure for avoiding depression - tell him that. Because, if you don't, you may become depressed - I did. After that happened and I got over it, then he was generous with helping me find ways to have "alone" time and vacation time with just him. And it would have been better not to have gotten depressed.

Hi S.,
I have definitely been there. My husband was a Police Officer for 32 years and he worked homicide the last 7! Always gone? Yes! The way you cope changes with the ages of your children. It gets easier as they get older. But, the most important thing is to realize (it's hard at times) that he is not getting time alone when he is gone. If it's firefighting he's emtionally and physically exhausted during that time away. If it's a class, yes, he is away from the day to day routine and does get quality sleep, etc. but he is still "on the clock". I found myself really trying to remember this when I was at my wits end with his absence.
My husband was wonderful when I would say, "I need my alone time account" refilled. He's give me the time I needed to recharge. Making a few hours available for yourself EVERY week is necessary. Hire a sitter, swap out time with a fellow firefighter's wife or friend in the same situation. Have a group of 2-3 friends come over for chit chat. I found my biggest problem came when I didn't make time for me. It didn't have to be huge amounts of time, just time to do something just for me. A pedicure with a good book in hand, a movie, a walk, or just coffee at Starbucks. I became the most envious of his "time away" when I neglected my own "alone time" needs. Don't feel guilty. But, remember he probably could use some "alone time" too without work or class. Talk about it factually, not emotionally with him. He sounds like a great guy but men need "just the facts" straight forward without the drama.
Go on that weekend away. Enjoy it and feel no guilt. You'll come back refreshed and feeling great. But, do everything you can to make the weekend run smoothly for him if it's the first time doing this for 24+ hours. I think so many couples run into trouble when they try to "make it even" all the time. My husband and I made it for 32 years through schedule changes, shift work, and hundreds of hours of overtime away from home. You sound like you're solidly MARRIED, love one another, and have great kids. You'll make it. It is normal to feel this way. Make "alone time" available for both of you. Couple time is important, too. Good luck and keep us posted on what you decide. It was great that you posted and asked for support. We are here for you! Have a great day!

Hi S.,
My hubby travels a good deal with his job and I have a similar situation: 8 yr. old girl and 4.5 year-old b/g twins. I think you need to explain to him that your objection is not with his duration away, but you need to create some balance in your own life which you'll get with some time to yourself. I try to get some time in after he comes home, and after he has "recovered" from his trip (when he's away he's got long-hour days). If I were to approach him right when he got home it would be a battle. So I give him a day or 2 to recover and then say, "I need this" whether it be a night out with the girls or a mindless window-shopping day or a pedicure, and he allows me that time. We're all better wives & mommies if can get some sort of balance -- too much of any one thing is not good. This is all easier said than done, as I'm always looking for that balance, but it does get better (especially as my twins have gotten older). So my advice, wait until he's been home for a day or so (recovery time) and do your thing. It's also good, in the balance of things, for him to spend time alone with his kids, and you can use that as a motivator as well. Good luck!

I vote that you let him read your question for advice.
I mean... you said it perfectly. There was absolutely nothing in your question that made me see anything other than the fact that you need to also feel like an individual.
You stated that you love your life and that you wouldn't change it for anything, that he's a great husband and father and that you're well aware of his dream as a fire fighter, and therefore you'd never question that.

Guys aren't like us, in the way that they need to be emotionally caressed while we're trying to say something... they just need it said outright.

Your post is perfect for this.

He's a lucky man and you're a lucky woman!

Good luck to your little family.

You have some great responses. I would add that you tell your man how proud you are of him. Don't compare your jobs. That will only sound like you are diminishing his. Instead tell him that you are glad he is a warrior-type and that he must enjoy helping people in their worst nightmare. Be sure to tell him how much you love your job too. Being a mom is the best thing in the world.

Just point out that you've thought of some ways that you can get a break. You have thought of hiring a sitter from time to time so you can go work out or go to a park to read or whatever you would like to do. And see what he says. Ask him if there is anything you can line up for him so he can get a break when he gets home from those long days away. That way he will see that you don't think he is having a retreat with his buddies.

Then plan some alone time for the two of you. Ask if he'd rather go to a movie or out to eat, etc. That you will plan something fun when he returns just the two of you. Then he will know how much you look forward to him coming home not as a dad but as your husband.

Good luck. It is tough being a warrior wife, but you are being a great role model for your kids.

OMG... S. you & I have similar lives! My husband is a wildland firefighter too. I feel the same EXACT way as you! I have 2 boys ages 5 & 2. During the summer my step-daughter comes to live with us too. My nearest living relative is 2,500 miles away. I work fulltime. My outlet is the gym. I just recently joined the gym that has onsite childcare. When I get off work, I pick up the kids at daycare, get everyone fed and then off to the gym we go. It's me time. I get on the treadmill and just walk for 1 to 2 hours. It's what keeps me sane while my husband is away. Hope that helps. T.

Hello,
I know what you mean about "me time" and the lack of it. My husband is also a captain at rural metro fire dept. He picks up overtime as much as possible so sometimes he will be gone 3 days in a row come home for one and go again for 3 more. Then he also works for the family business. So SUnday is the only day off he has....unless it is a firefighter shift. Luckily I don't work except for the occasional freelance designing. He works very hard so I can stay at home with the girls. I do everything with my girls.......everything.....soemtimes we even bathe together in the big tub. One mistake I make is telling my husband that he at least gets to be with adults all day where as I have to be with little ones all day. That really makes him mad. We are both sacrificing. I feel bad that he does not get to take much part in our kids lives but I also feel bad for myself because I am sometimes stuck at home with kids. Maybe you could start with something small like a night out with girls instead of a whole weekend. My husband gladly watches the girls for little things like that. An entire weekend is a long time to be away from your kids and to leave them with him....especially since it sounds like you do most of the raising. I don't think it is right to ask for an overnighter without your husband. I am a little old fashioned.

What I did to make my husband realize that taking care of our baby is a lot of work, on one of his days off I made sure that I had over 4 hours of errands to run. After that he got the point. He gives me "me" time once every few months. Sometimes that is just sitting at Starbucks and reading for a few hours. He is manager at a grocery store so he puts in really long hours, and I am alone with the baby 12-14 hours a day.

ot seems as though you are jealous of his time alone. but you need to see it not as his time but as work. he is doing jsut as much or more than you are at home. im sure he doesnt like being away all the time. but jobs like that are hard on a marriage. my son is getting divorced because of a similar situation. he is a polic office and they change shifts evey couple of months. his wife also knew his schedule before they starteddating but she didnt seem tohandle it well and decided to look elsewhere for companionship. that is fine and dandy for her but the one that has suffered is their baby boy. he is having physical problems, vomitind diarrhea and weigh loss due to this. also behavioural problems. i dont get involved in that they need to do what they think they need to. first of all you need to do some adult things no matter what. is there anyone you canleave the kids with? hire a baby sitter. go to the gym, go for a walk etc. maybe you can plan somethign together once a month , date night. i have a group of friends and we have a coffee clatch. nothing fancy we get together on wednesday mornings and look ove the newspaper and clip cupons, gossip, the kids play we have coffee, share recipes and an aoccasional treat. we are only supposed to have it or an hour but sometimes it runs till noon or more. this allows us to have adult conversation. ( im not a new mommy but i do have custody of my 18 month old grandson). this is allnew to me because when my kdis ere young i didnt have time to feel neglected, i was too busy being a singlemom and going to school, working full time. now i find i need that companionship . my hubby and i go on date twice amonth we take turns planning them. sometimes its just out for a day trip, picnic etc. doesnt have to be expensive . but the most important thing is that you have to gorw as a person and be happy yourslef before you can make anyone else happy. i have a million firefighter friends and i know how hard it is on relationships. these guys are so much more dedicated to their jobs than anyone lese i know and it is because it is a very rewarding and enjoyable and exciting job. you need to count yoru blessings that he still has a job and that you have a home and your kids are healthy. lots of families dont have that.

My husband works and is gone a lot for work related activities, so I can sympathize. You definitely need some time to yourself. Not only is raising 3 boys exhausting, but you are working on top of that. Tell your husband that you need your time, and if he is not willing to watch the kids while you go away, then tell him that you are going to hire a sitter, or find a friend who can watch them. When my husband is gone overnight, or for several days, I try to plan a playdate or dinner with friends with kids who are in similar situations. It breaks up the time and it is usually fun for the kids and me! You are supportive of your husband's schedule-- he needs to be supportive of you!

Hi S., You say you want to make him realize that you are not complaining about his job, yet when you approached him about you taking a week for "me" time, you probably brought up the fact of how much time he's away from home. I would change your approach and say things like, I would like to take this trip for a break, I need some time for myself, I would like to do something for my peace of mind, etc. If you truly accept his job, you shouldn't have to factor that into your request for some time to yourself at all. That's just my 2 cents. I hope you find something that will work for both of you. All of us love our kids dearly, but we need some breathing space too! Good luck to you!!!!