Seeking Advice Regarding 2 1/2 Yr Old Son

We have a book that may help you quite a bit, we give them away, it is a paperback called "What I wish I knew when my kids were little". A. ###-###-####.

Hi. We have a similar problem, though not all the time. I notice it more when Dad has been working a lot. We usually try to make a daddy and son date so they can spend time together without me. On the weekend they will go to the park together or something like that so I am not around as an option for helping. It works for us most of the time and gives them a great chance to reconnect after daddy has been working all week. Good luck

Hi H.,
No, you're not the only one! My oldest went through this for a while. But you can't let a 2 year old dictate what the adults in your house will and won't do. When my daughter would tell my husband that Mommy was the ONLY person who could help her (do whatever), my husband (who is a big, strong manly-man kind of guy) would start acting "girly" and would tell her in a high-pitched voice, "What are you talking about? I AM mommy, and I'm here to help you brush your hair!" It never failed to make our daughter laugh.

If humor doesn't bring your son around, then you need to give your son the choice of having daddy help him, or the task simply not getting done (and maybe sending him to time out for good measure if the behavior persists). Yes, it's a phase kids go though and that's fine if he prefers you to your husband right now. But you don't want the little guy turning into a dictator on you, so you definitely do need to nip this in the bud in my opinion. Good luck!

Hi H.~ Both of my girls (now 7 and 3) went through this stage, and from time to time they still do. We just never made it an option about whom was helping whom. If it was Daddy's turn to read a book before bed and they wanted Mommy, the choice was Daddy or no book...for a different situation, it was Daddy or do it yourself. A lot of the begging and pleading for me had to do with them being used to the way I did things. So it seems like I'm always reminding them that Daddy does things differently sometimes (ie, he brushes teeth after bath instead of before, or puts fruit in a separate bowl instead of on their plate, etc) and even though he does them differently he does them well and it's okay. I would especially have that conversation if I had plans to be away from the house..."Now remember, Daddy does things differently."

It's a phase - you're not the only one. They will mostly grow out of it, just don't give in to the tantrums.

Good luck!

We go through the opposite thing at our house. When daddy is around, my 2 1/2 year old son old wants daddy. Everything is "I want daddy to..." The car seat one was probably the easiest one for me to handle. I went to get him out one time and he yelled at me "I want daddy to get me out." I calmly said, "Either mommy is going to get you out or you can stay in the car." He chose to stay in the car (we had just gotten home and we were in the garage so it was safe). I told him that was fine and I shut the door and walked in the house. I waited about 30 seconds and walked back out. He quickly wanted mommy to get him out. We haven't had that problem again. We do similar things with a lot of situations. He just has the option of mommy doing it or not at all. He is quickly learning that if he doesn't allow mommy to do it, daddy doesn't "rescue" him anymore. Good luck.

I think you and your husband need to remember you are the ones in charge, not your son. When you give in to his demands that "mommy does everything" it only teaches him that he can control both you and your husband and it also really disrespects your husband which is something you should not tolerate. I think both of you need to tell your son, in a short, clear conversation, that dad will be helping him do more and that fits will not be acceptable. At four years old he can do more for himself, like putting on his shoes and have someone tie them, taking off his own shoes and putting them away, or brushing his own teeth while someone supervises and helps after he has finished. Four year olds actually like a little responsibility and are proud of their accomplishments. And, like it or not, when help is needed dad IS helping out. If he has a fit then whatever he has asked for (like turning the TV on) just won't happen until the fit is over and he has apologized to dad and then dad turns it on. You will be thankful for a much needed break, your son will learn to be more respectful and indepedent and your husband will not feel slighted.

My immediate thought is that you need to take some time for yourself and get out of the house. Your husband will stay home with your son and then Mommy won't be there to step in. Once your son gets used to Daddy doing things for him, hopefully he'll be able to have both of you help him.

Good luck!

I don't have any great advice, but just wanted to let you know that my 3 1/2 year old son has had a case of the "mommy do it" for quite some time now. If I recall correctly my daughter who is now nearly 8 did this as well. I am not trying to correct it (although it is really frustrating when all you want to do is have your husband get him out of the car and he protests for only mommmy, I do agree!). I am thinking that "this too shall pass". He already is demanding that he do certain things himself and does not want any help at all (as in dressing himself).

My son is also 2 1/2 and is going through the "mommy phase." I am the only one who can help him or do anything the right way. I also just had a baby, she is 3 weeks old so I can relate to your situation. Your son knows something is up, whether or not he has acknowledged your growing belly. Children are very preceptive and he knows something is going to change or is different. This is such a phase that he will outgrow. Most children in there 2's do this from what I have heard. Enjoy it now (I know sounds crazy) because soon he will only want daddy. When you have your new baby, he will act out a little or possibly become more clingy and can also regress a little in wanting to be changed like the baby, wanting a bottle or to be cuddled constantly. All normal. Also instead of just you doing it, why don't you try you and your husband both helping him with his shoes, or to turn on tv. Include your husband so it is just not you and your son will accept his daddy's help easier. When daddy is not around all day he is acustomed to you taking care of his needs. Everything will work out and the phase will be over soon. Good luck and take care.

We've had this problem in our home. It's been attempted more than once by each child, and it is short lived because my husband and I will not tolerate it. Our children are nearly 5 and 2 1/2 years old.

Refusing help from a parent or even a grandparent when you need help as a child is unacceptable. It's also rude, almost regardless of how they refuse the help. What happened to gratitude for someone coming along to help when you need help?

When I notice that my children are again testing their ability to refuse help from anyone other than who they want help from, I remind them that the adult loves them and is offering help because they love them and that my child needs to say thank you for the help (say thank you with both their words and their attitude and behavior). That is, they can't say thank you with their words and then be a pill. Child needs a heart of gratitude/thankfulness.

Otherwise consequences and discipline, with the purpose of breaking the child's WILL. At the end of the conversation and any discipline, if done properly, child would have a heart of gratitude towards the loving person that offered the help, and child will likely love the disciplinarian more...a softened heart and a more loving heart towards you.

So, I hope you find the way to stop your son's refusal of help from daddy.

And if tantrums are part of his coping, I hope you find the way to stop even the first signs of tantrums. We need to teach our children self-control.

I hope the best for you and your family. Good luck!

My sons (who are just over 3 and 6) both did this. What we did that worked wonders is that one night a week, I go out after dinner. Daddy does bath and bed. It was hard at first, but it has gotten better. Now, there are even "no, only daddy do it" times.

I have 2 boys, 3.5 and 2 years. My Husband stays home with them and the roles are a bit reversed. THe older boy went through a phase where he only wanted Daddy to read him a story at night. It worked well for us, because the younger one only wanted Mommy. Now it is six months later and they have switched: 3year old wants me and the younger one wants Daddy. It is a phase(sounds like a long one) and pretty soon your son will want to be "just like Daddy." He will want to pretend shave, mow the lawn, sit at the computer, do all the Daddy things. It is amazing to watch them become Little Men.

I think the key to your problem is that "you don't always give in" meaning most of the time you do. This may sound harsh but you are just going to have to be firm and let him through his tantrum. Explain to him that Daddy can do it just as well as Mommy and Daddy wants to help too. After a few tantrums and you not giving in he'll start letting Dad do somethings for him.

How does you son deal when you are NOT there? I would start having daddy and son time and you leave the house or room.

I know at times my son gets in this mode and we tell him no. If he cries for mommy we say, "Mommy is right here but Daddy has you. You are fine." We also give him permission to throw a fit. "You don't like it? That is ok. You can throw a fit (and make it a good one), but mommy is not going to do it."

Especially with #2 on the way you can't do everything (I have a 2 year son too and just had baby #2 in Feb.) If mommy has to turn on the TV--don't do it. Mommy has to get me out of the car seat. . .walk away and leave daddy there to do it. I know it is hard and often frustrating and embarassing and easier just to do it--but don't give in most times.

Your son is 2 and acting 2. He's normal!

Good luck.

Since when do children get to make demands on their parents and write the rules? You know what is right to do and be consistent. Mommy does certain things and Daddy does certain things and that is that. If he can't abide, he doesn't get to be a part of it - whatever it is or he has to do it alone.

Let him sit in the car alone screaming(where you can keep an eye on him of course) because he won't let Daddy get him out of his car seat and I guarantee that he will get over it.

With another one on the way, you need to deal with this straight-forward and now. You can do it because I can tell you already know what is the right thing to do.

Good Luck and God Bless -

H.
The only way to change this is not to allow your child to tell you who is going to help him. If your husband is there and can help then your husband does it. End of story. By allowing your child to tell you who helps he thinks he can all the time. I am sure that after a few days of you and your husband deciding who helps not your child he will realize he is not the decision maker.

I know at the end of the day you do not have time or energy for a melt down and that is why you have allowed your child to continue this behavior. I did it too. Just stick with it for a short time and the tables will turn.

JM

My 2 1/2 year old daughter went through a phase like that but is slowly recovering. Her's might of been related to having a baby brother. I have learned to talk her around it. If she needs help getting into the swing and I am holding my 10 month old then I just say "Brandi (good friend) can help you in the swing, mommys holding Donovan" and she is getting better about it. She does the same thing with in and out of the car seat with Daddy. Sometimes we just let her have a fit about it and she gets over it. Or talk her around it. i think he will grow out of it eventually. Good luck.

You're not the only one. Yes it's a phase. Just let him have his tantrums when daddy does it, and have daddy do it anyway. Hopefully daddy won't take it personally.

Hi H.
try this you go out for the full day 9am till 9pm and go papmper your self hang out with friends but leave your husband and son at home they need to bond more
all my kids did that but not to that extreme
or if you don't want to go out for the day
have your husband and son go out for the day to the park to the zoo to where they have to eat together get out of the car together and do that once a week like maybe a saturday and plus you'll get a break good luck and congrats on your other baby
Danielle mother of 4

My son went through the same thing at 15 months, and again, at about 2.5 when I was pregnant also. It is normal for kids to go through periods of favortism, much to my husband's disappointment. He couldn't help feeling left out etc. It is a stage and shall pass. It can be exhausting, but I just tried to humor him as much as possible. Daddy tagged along on everything, bath, storytime, etc, always playing and interacting with him to encourage daddy time. The second time it happened, I know he sensed that things were about to change significantly for him. It was really intense and difficult for several months. Daddy continued to help out as much as allowed, but my son was a real stickler about mommy do it for pretty much everything. After the birth of my daughter, my son had no choice but to let daddy take over some tasks, since I was nursing and couldn't pass that on to anyone else, daddy had to start being the one to help with things, and since he was 2 and didn't want to wait, he allowed daddy to do most tasks. If I was available, he still wanted me, but if I was busy, he would settle for daddy. After about a month after his sister was born he started letting daddy take care of things, even when I was available, and now at 4 has become such a daddy's boy. My suggestion for you right now is to give him as much of your undivided attention as possible, since soon his life is going to change drastically. Kids are very intuitive, and he probably doesn't have the language to tell you that he is feeling insecure about the pending changes. If you give him extra hugs and cuddles and lots of one on one, he should soon feel better about the impending changes, and hopefully much less clingy to you. My friend's daughter did the same thing before the birth of their second child, extra mommy clingy, but she also was fine after the baby came along (after a brief transition period). Anyways, have daddy tag along on the stuff you want him to take over, make it extra fun when he does help out, and soon, you son will be begging for daddy to do it instead of you. Good luck.

I was so happy to read your post. My son is the same age and doing the same thing! I am a teacher at a local preschool and my son is in my class. I kept thinking maybe it was a bad idea to have my son in my class because now he is totally mommy-dependant. I think my husband gets his feelings hurt by it too! I just try and reassure him it is only a phase. It is hard to be 100% on call. I want a break sometimes too!

Hi H.,

What you're experiencing is normal. In time, they adjust to letting others help them. My eight year old still wants "mom to do it" even though I'm in another room and her dad and two older brothers are in the same room as she is. When she realizes that I'm just not available at the moment, she gladly lets the others help her. I think it's a natural instinct for kids to want their moms. Give him time, he'll eventually accept help from others.

I'm a dad and, yes, our son does this to us. For some kids, giving them a choice can make them feel powerful rather than helpless and without influence: "Do you want Daddy to put on your shoes so you can play outside or do you want to stay inside?" That way, he can either get what he really wants or insist on and have to wait for mommy. Another option is to have him spend several hours alone with daddy at home. If mommy isn't there, some kids will relent pretty quickly, figuring that if the expert (mommy) isn't around than they'll have to settle the amateur (daddy). Kids can often feel quite powerful when this happens, too, since they can instruct daddy as to the correct way to change a diaper or give a bath. No doubt they will be upset when mommy leaves but most kids get distracted pretty easily and if daddy takes them on a walking trip to 7-11 or a local restaurant, most kids will remember it later and insist on doing it again with daddy only. From what I've heard, it is natural that kids play favorites but, if you show him the benefits of switching his favorites around, he might go for it.

I had this experience in the past with my now 3 1/2 year old son. Same scenario, Daddy gone all day, I was a SAHM. What we did to remedy this was two things, one not give into his tantrums. If he wanted something done and Daddy was around to try to help he had to let Daddy help or not get what he wanted. But what I found to be the most important aspect of the change was for my husband and my son to spend special and quality time together. I see kids not wanting help from Daddy as a sign that there is not enough of a relationship present. They don't not trust him, don't not look to him, feel only Mommy could do it right. So having quality one one one time with each other at the park, at home while Mommy runs errands, Chuck E. Cheese, running around doing errands with Daddy. These activities with strengthen their relationship, bond, and trust and your son with start to look to Daddy for more and more things. It won't be immediate, but with consistency, it worked for us. Good Luck!