Seeking Advice Re: Stepdaughter Who Keeps Leaving Burning Candles Unattended

I am forgetful myself and love candles. What I do to protect myself, my family and my home is float candles in a large pretty bowl of water. I add a few flowers or pretty leaves around the candles to make the bowl look pretty. I think this is much safer. I have realized it’s impossible to fight with teenagers. It’s better to meet half way. I have teenager myself. Good luck!

You two need couples' counseling. Divorce and remarriage is tough. If you can't be a united front, then you both lose face: She can ignore you and push him around.

How about taking her on a shopping trip, just the two of you. Replace the candles with beautiful scents for her self, Body Shop or something alike.

Good luck,
H

Although I think you are in the right, what really matters is less about you being right and more about your objective -family safety, ideally without sacrificing harmony. To that end I suggest a few things (and this is coming from a former candle burning teenager that drove her parents NUTS!)
1: install a fire alarm in her bedroom and check the batteries regularly. My parents really did this. It was in a loving and playful way and although I thought they were silly at the time, it didn't bother me.
2: Look into safe places and ways that she can burn her candles. It probably fine that it is in the jar, but the windowsill is a bad plan. Is there another option? a special shelf that is mounted on the wall out of reach of the cats? A storm lantern mounted on the wall? I really don't know, but the fire dept probably has info on the safest options. Perhaps she could research these options herself and you can discuss them in a way that empowers her with making her own choices. If she you are both all willing to partner up on the solution you will get farther.
3: You will get no where without dad's buy in.
Good luck!

Hello A.,

I agree with you. I wouldn't allow candles in any of my children's room. But, I understand your husband wanting to allow it. Not because he isn't worried about causing a fire, but because it is something that makes his daughter happy.

My husband and I together have 6 children, he has 3 and I have 3. The most difficult time we had was with his oldest daughter and me. She refused to accept me as her Step-Mom. She always wanted her Mom and Dad to get back together - which I do not blame her one bit. Now that she is grown and has fallen in "love" (a couple of times) : ), she understands now and loves me very much.

My advice is to do what I did. It took a couple of years, but I was able to make good friends with her mother. She is one of my best friends now.

I bet you anything, if you call her mother and tell her what is going on, she will help you put a stop to it.

Also, since you already agreed to allowing the candles, I think replacing them with something she really likes - like designer jeans or something she "really" wants, will turn the tides in your favor.

Maybe "they" say that bribery isn't a good parenting tool, but I say, use your creativity, sense of humor and lots of love and you can't go wrong.

Best wishes!

K.

Your husband is very, VERY wrong! And not just because he doesn't see the danger in it-you know he has to- but because he won't put his foot down with his daughter. He doesn't want her to be mad at him-he wants her to be mad at you- so he's not the 'bad guy'. It's very unfair to you as well as your (in the long run) step-daughter. Plus, my oldest daughter is in college and they aren't even allowed to have candles in their rooms because of the fire hazard (it only takes once) and they can't have cats (to get on the window sill) either. Take the candles out while she's at school or somewhere else and when sh#* hits the fan when she realizes they're gone, offer to take her to Wal*Mart or Target to get the flameless candles or a candle warmer and new candle and do like the college kids have to do. If it were me, I wouldn't budge on the issue-when it comes to a safety issue like that, it simply isn't worth the risk! Ask your daughter to think about how that will look on the news. We've seen it before and we know what we think when we see it.

Hello A.,

I understand your situation that you are in. Your husband should be giving you respect and some credit for trying to keep your house a SAFE place to live in.

Your husband really needs to be taking sides with you and he should be talking to his daughter about the UNsafety situation that she is putting her family in.

It is irresponsible of anyone to be leaving a room with a lit candle unattended.

I feel the same as you A.. You are thinking about the safety of your house and the safety of your family.

The step daughter's rights need to be evoked regarding candles period. Your husband is way too lenient with his own daughters and he's really not a good example of showing any responsibility. You have every right to feel the way you do. Your the (step)mother of the house and it sounds like no one is respecting you at all. That's not good.

Boy! Do I ever feel your frustration!!! Like I said, all candles should not be allowed in her room at all, or in the house period. Give her a flash light. You are the parent, so let her know that you're the parent. She isn't paying your bills. She's not your boss either. Is she taking care of you? There it is! You are the parent in the house, not his daughter(s). His kids need to know that you do mean business. I'm not sure how it is between you and the girls, but they need to know who's boss in that house.

I've been there, where there has been disrespect and I do not like that at all.....especially when it comes from the dad and daughter(s). That's not right and it's not fair at all. You have to nip problems in the bud! Always take care of the problem / issue ASAP and don't hold back. Let them know you mean business. You are not a toy to be played with!

It also sounds like you've been fair to his girls and with him as well. He sure asks a lot of you AND he really takes you for granted. This is a blended family and I know it can be hard sometimes.


Take Care A.!!!

Hi A.,
I agree with you that she has had the warning, now she needs to lose the privileges - at least temporarily. As a parent, it is your responsibility to follow through, and your husband needs to back you up on this. He needs to be on the same page with you parenting his daughter, or else he will lose your support as his wife and stepmother to his daughter. Talk with your husband about this privately, no kids around.

I have gone thru the same thing as a stepmom, and I explained privately and sweetly to my husband that we needed to come up with solutions to situations - then enforce consequences together. I explained that this ensures a harmonious home and a happy wife. And we all know happy wife = happy life. He had to agree with me, and he has since made a good change for the better.

Be aware that you provided her with an alternative, and she has turned that down. This is more about a power play on her part, to get her way...than about being safe. She is wrongly thinking like a child that "it just won't happen to our house". Well, fires can and do happen...to all of us. I have lived through two in my life, one a flu fire and the other started by a small spark from a cigarette of my parents' tenant (we lived in a duplex with them on one side). The tenant died from smoke inhalation.

Stick to your guns. Have her watch this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPyrJbKJpIY) to explain why, then let her know she can still have reed diffuser (or possibly plug-ins of those are safe...I saw some plug-in scent things that looked pretty chic at Target today).

Best of luck to you!

A.,
Please share this with your wonderful husband and your lovely, equally wonderful daughters. I was the Emergency Services Director for the Red Cross in our area of the Midwest. We had a five county region that we serviced. As Emergency Services Director it was my job to respond to any and all disasters in or region. The most common disaster to befall families in the U.S. is house fire. I've watched families grieve lost pets and mothers count their children obsessively as homes burn to the foundation because of unattended candles.
It isn't the physical things the fire destroys that are the hardest to deal with. Having a fire in your home takes away that sense of security our homes provide for us.
So while candles are wonderful and relaxing, they are also a responsibility. If you, as a family, decide to keep candles in your daughter's possession, make her room as candle friendly as possible. A large decorative tile underneath a candle can serve as a trivet, remove all flammable material around the candle. Wide-based, glass jarred candles are better than free standing pillars or tapers. Get her a pretty candle snuffer so it's as fun to put them out as light them.
Then dog her heals like the loving mommy you are until she can't leave her room without hearing your voice asking if all candles are out!!! If all else fails, remove them and allow them back one at a time.
You're not being too hard or unreasonable when you love someone enough to keep them safe. Good luck to you.
M.

She seems spoiled (not trying to be mean) and he seems overindulgent. How can they NOT realize the danger she is posing to the family by leaving those candles unattended?
When I was in the Navy, the girl in the dorm room next to me caught the drapes on fire when she left a dang candle unattended while she went to take a shower. Everyone in that building lost everything.
And, it's really just not about the candles. There is clearly a respect issue going on here and your husband shold be backing your play NOT undermining your authority in YOUR house.
His reasoning is childish. That's like saying have all the unprotected sex you want - you'll never catch anything. Seriously. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. But - does he really want to wait and see if you maybe won't???
You've made a rule - they both need to adhere to it. If he doesn't trust your judgement why did he marry you?

First, you should have a real heart to heart w/your husband in private. Seeing that you two are united and loving toward one another will teach your step-daughter about healthy loving relationships not just about fire safety.

I think the real issue isn't the candles but it's all about your relationship with your step-daughter. That is something that your husband can get behind because I'm sure that he wants you two to have a good relationship. Remind him that this is actually an opportunity for the three you to grow in respect for each other and therefore deepen your relationship.

Now about the candles. Perhaps a compromise agreed upon w/ you and your husband? Why not take away the candles for a set amount of time? Say a day at first - then she gets them back. The next offense, it's a few days then a week and so on. Here you are giving her more chances - which seems to be your husband's desire - but you're also making it safer for your family and standing by your word of taking them away. It's not just an empty threat. Ideally the two of you would go to her with this set of consequences.

Good Luck!

A.~~Some may think I am "brutal" with my response---but after raising my own two daughters, two step daughters and two step sons, I HAD to have priorities. "STEP" daughter or NOT, YOU are the adult (and your husband is supposed to be too) and this is YOUR house. You cannot allow guilt into the equation--and apparently, your husband is allowing guilt (from divorce-or whatever...) to guide his ambivalence to this (or other??) situation(s).
She has had her chance. You have explained FAR too many times about how you feel about unattended candles. DO NOT exchange flameless candles, reed diffusers etc. or anything else, for that matter. By doing this, you are giving in to a "hostage" situation (thats what I always called it when any of mine pulled any "stunts") She can either live with attending to her candles or NOT. It is HER choice. If she does NOT, they DISAPPEAR. It is that easy. Black & white in this situation. Just take away the candles if you find them lit without her. If she starts complaining--be CALM, and tell her, "You already know the rules of candles in this house. It may be different in other houses, but not here. You have been given fair notice, and I will continue to be fair if you do." The end.
I had similar situations with the "crew" all wanting different food for meals---and FINALLY, I told them, "I am not a short order cook. It is YOUR CHOICE to eat what I serve or NOT." Same deal with candles, property or anything else that goes on in YOUR and your husband's house. When she pays the rent/mortgage, she can do what she wants :)
I hope this limited experience of mine helps. I am just glad to be a 45 year old grandma, and can sit back and smile at all of the wonderful things that life has to offer~especially grandchildren doing what their parents did....

Hello
I have no experience with stepdaughters/stepmoms, teenagers or working with that dynamic, but I have LOTS of experience with candles.
I once left a jar candle burning in my apartment while I studied. I put it on my bathroom countertop and I was in the opposite side of the house while it burned. (I had candles lit all over the house at that moment, because I love the way they smell). Anyway, I heard a loud pop and was scared someone was in the apartment. I almost left. Not 20 seconds later my smoke alarm was going off - but I couldn't see any smoke. I walked into the hallway which was engulfed in smoke. I ran back to the bathroom toward the smoke and found that my "safe" jar candle had burnt to the bottom (faster than I expected it to) and heated the glass so hot that it broke (the pop I heard). And now the small flame was burning my countertop.
Luckily, because I was there to catch it, I was able to get it out without calling anyone by putting wet washcloths on it and getting the remains of the broken glass jar into the sink to cool off.
So, jar candles aren't any safer than any other candle.

Maybe you could compromise. Set aside an hour or two a day that you know you all will be at home that she can burn her candles and enjoy them. But make a rule that she must stay in her room with them. It can be time she cleans, listens to music, sorts laundry, does homework or just relaxes in her room. That way, you're not the mean one - and things can remain safe.
And, you could suggest she have a small fire extinguisher in her room, in the event of a fire. Make it a learning experience. Teach her how to use one and it's one more exposure to fire safety and what she should do in a fire.
She probably wont understand the danger, until something happens like what happened to me. (I say this because I didn't either). But that incident was enough to take the "fun" out of burning candles for me. But I was lucky. I caught it before it got out of hand and my house, luckily, didn't burn down.

Hope this helps and Good Luck!
M.

A.,
Honestly, it seems as though you are right on with the natural consequences of her actions-losing the candle privileges. However, it seems like the real problem you are facing is between you and your husband. You two are a team, and being a stepmom is hard, and it's his job to try and create unity between you and his daughter. Or at least be a united front with you. Take some time and talk with each other about things, expectations, limits etc... I think in a step family to avoid this power struggle you have to let her dad do the discipline of her. Wow! This is so hard. Good luck

I have 3 children (16, 14 & 9). My 16YO daughter loves to have candles in her room and has often left them unattended for hours at a time. I think you need to stand your ground. I will say that I don't so much mind her leaving candles burning while she's elsewhere in the house, but definitely draw the line at letting them burn while we're out or while we're sleeping. I only had to take them away from her once, but I didn't actually forbid her from using them. I gathered up all of her candles and put them in a box. For two weeks she had to come ask me for a candle to burn and then return it to me if we left the house or at bedtime. If I didn't have to remind her to snuff the candle and return it to me within those two weeks, I return the candles to her now responsible hands. She's not left a candle burning unattended since. I also have 3 step children (18, 15 & 13) and I can totally understand what you are going through on that front. Talk to your husband (privately of course) and explain how strongly you feel about it. Right, wrong or indifferent...when my husband and I found ourselves unable to agree on something, if I felt strongly enough about my stand on the issue, I told hubby that I would not condone the behavior and when his children came over for visits, I would take my kids and leave for the weekend. I never had to do that. I think my husband figured if I were willing to leave to avoid dealing with the unwanted behavior, it must really be important and he usually came around to my way of thinking. It's very hard being in the middle like we stepmoms often are! One other thought to my already lengthy ranting...maybe your local fire dept. would be willing to loan out some videos of fires started by the "innocent jar candle"...that might open some eyes to the real and serious danger.

Keep trying to get your point across on the safety issues concerning burning candles especially in bedrooms. Gather more information on statistics of home fires being started by the negligence of leaving a candle burning unattended. Talk to your local fire department or your Insurance Company they will be able to get you the information needed on home fires and how many are started by candles. Replace the candles with the flameless candles out on the market which give off a scent-Airwick or Renusit. Good Luck getting your family to listen to the facts that candles start home fires while being left unattended or even attended. L

I completely support your concerns. A friend of mine's sister's house burned to the ground because her teenage daughter left an unattended candle burning. The daughter felt absolutely horrible, and I'm sure that's not a regret your step-daughter would want to carry with her forever. Apart from that, it sounds like a power struggle between your step-daughter and you, and your husband is not helping. Does she know what his opinion is? I assume so, and that's not good. He needs to be the one who is primary disciplinarian for his daughter. If you set consequences that aren't followed through on, what's to make her follow your rules in the future? Perhaps you can approach your husband from that angle. Good luck!

The issue is with you and your husband. He needs to respect you and your opinions. The next time she leaves the candle unattended I would go in the room and remove the candle. I would do this until they are all gone and I would not buy any more. Lets just hope your hubby goes along with it. Good Luck

My husband used to work heavy equipment and the 3 houses that he had to demo all were candle fires. He nags me when I have candles burning in the middle of the room on a marble table with nothing on it. I understand his concern, so I do it rarely now. But when I do he makes sure that every thing is out before we go out or to bed.
You might find out why she likes to have them burning- ambiance? smell? warmth? and then see if there is an alternate way to create the same effect without the fire hazard, ie. Christmas Lights, room sprays, new paint or decor (which you already did). If the candles are still a battle, then maybe take the family to the firestation for fire hazards safety training or something like that. I agree with you that the "candles need to go on time out if they can't follow they rules" and maybe word it that way so she/he feels less like you are picking on her. Good luck!

Hi A.,

I also have a daughter who loves her candles but is absent minded. Last year around Christmas I found the greatest thing! Candles that use batteries, they flicker and look very real. You can also be creative in how you display them because they don't have an actual flame. I bought a crystal bowl and filled it with those glass marbles and buried the flamless candle inside. My daughter loves it. For the smell of a candle (if that is something she likes) Let her pick out whatever smell she wants in plug in type of scent. I think they even sell the flameless tealight candles at the dollar store. You could have a girls day and let her choose how she wants to display her candles.

Hope this helps.
J.

Hi A.,

To say she is rebelling is obvious but I have the same problem of forgetting about candles but do love them. My daughter found the perfect solution of flameless candles. Some are scented and I have them all over the house. It is a saftey issue and you are being challenged. If she refuses the flamless candles then it is more than the candles that is the problem. They look real and I have even had friends whom started to go to blow them out. She sounds like she is challenging the new woman in her Dads life and it may be him who will need to reassure her or spend quality time with her.

I honestly think that some of it is age and the other could be jealousy. She decided to spend only part time there but part of her feels like an outsider when she does.

Good Luck

A.,

My heart goes out to you. I do not have hard core advice, except that it sounds like you and your husband need to sit down privately and together and calmly to get on the same page. The 15 year old will not listen to you or respect you if she feels the tension between you and Dad.

I remember being 15 - and I don't remember candles in my room. But, I was responsible enough to have them. I think your compromise for the burners was good. You are showing that you care about her feelings, but not the candles at this point. 3 hours of burning unattended - and your husband does not see how that is unsafe?

There has to be a common ground for you and your husband. And then you should present it to your teenager - and follow through. Perhaps there could be alloted burning times...in her bed reading before bed and then lights and candles out? Or none in the room, but she can have a couple in the family room that she picks out. OR just none. She is young and overall it sounds like she wants to control her own space. She should be thankful that you are cool enough to help her redo her bedroom. Maybe some shopping or movie time for the two of you where you could (possibly) talk to her more like a friend than her stopmom? Maybe you could think of way to make her feel like she has some control WITHOUT candles?

Good luck to you!
S.

They have those new "candles" I think from Glade that smells good but has some kind of light inside of a tealight jar so it looks like you are burning a candle and it smells good but it's really a light. Might be worth a try to just replace them one day and explain why afterwards. I understand the "teen years" but the bottom line is you are still the parent ~ and step parents count too. It's hard if your husband is backing your stepdaughter instead of you but you have a concern and are willing to make compromises w/ the oil diffuser and no one is listening. You are trying to look out for all of you so do what you feel is the best for the family ~ that's what mom's do, even if it's not the most popular.

You are being reasonable, your dh and stepdaughter are being unrealistic. You have offered a compromise with the diffuser oils. At some point it becomes unproductive to reason with them anymore as it is getting you nowhere.

Since the candle dangers are real, you have to figure out the best way to keep the house from burning down. One strategy is to have regular "candle checks" when your stepdaughter is staying with you. This is inconvenient for all of you, but perhaps your sd will get in the habit of checking herself, or get tired of your checking and choose to use a diffuser. Get a fire extinguisher and keep it near her bedroom just in case.

Another option is to let dh and sd know that you agree to disagree about the potential fire hazard of the candles. However, for the sake of your mental health, they are going to have to humor you and get rid of the open flames in the house. This is your home, too, and you cannot function as a wife and mother if you are constantly worried and distracted about the candles burning.

It is not easy being the mom, or stepmom of a teenager. I tell mine that it is my job to worry so they have to indulge me, knowing I do it because I love them so much...(big hug and kiss, aw mom...)

To me this is something that your husband needs to take care of. I would go out for a drive or dinner some place that is quite and wait for the timing, don't bring it up when your have emotions going. I would express the fact that you understand that your husband doesn't think that the candles are a problem like you do. He can hold his own opinion and doesn't need to change it, you can differ on that. But you feel unsafe and unprotected. You are hoping that because this issue is so important you that based off alone, how important it is you, that he support you on the candle issue. That it would make you very happy if he would do that. Don't argue over who is right or wrong. You will both feel right. The point is not to agree and see everything the same. You need to work together and his daughter doesn't sound like she will respond to you. Together make a plan maybe your step daughter can help come up with the fair consequence if she leaves the candles burning. Just a though hope this might help.

your issue is not only about the daughter leaving candles burning but the bigger issue here is that your husband, whether he thinks you are being unreasonable or not, is not standing by you. He is treating you like a guest in his and his daughters home and it should not be that way. This is your home and you have the right to make rules, set order and he should be standing in agreement with you.
If it is not about the candles it will be about something else. You two need to sit and talk about this and he needs to acknowledge your concerns about the issue. He also needs to send the message to his daughter that this is YOUR house and she needs to respect that and respect your wishes and authority in the home. You gave her a warning aboutthe candles and that should have been heeded- now he needs to stand behind you regarding the consequences.

As far as the candles go, I completely agree with you. I sell candles and I have two teenagers. I do nto allow them to have candles in their bedroom, (they cannot seem to 'remember' to feed the dog and pick up their clothing) Candles are a huge responsibility and the danger of setting a hom on fire because of leaving candles unattended and inappropriate places is VERY real. Look online and find articles and instances of house fires caused by burning candles and present it to them.
In the meantime, march into that bedroom, remove those candles and sit down and have a heart to heart with hubby- not just about the candles but about your place, role and authority in the home.
Then later, hopefully, you and hubby as a united front, can sit down with his teenage daughter and explain to her what a responsibility the privelege of having candles are and how she has not shown responsibility as far as that is concerned.
Let her know that the consequences you laid out are going to be upheld because it is your home and oyu have the right and responsibility to make decisions to protect the home and the people in it.
If your husband insists on inviting strife and division by putting his daughters whims above his wife's authority in the home, I highly suggest seeking counseling.

I agree with everyone who said ban candles from your house. Don't even make a big deal of it -- she and your husband have received plenty of warnings. Just get rid of the candles and maybe in a year bring back a candle or two and don't make a big deal of it then, either.

Life without candles is not a hardship.

Well, as a comprimise, you could get her those flameless candles... they even have scented ones. That way, when she leaves them burning, it's not a fire hazard. You can also explain to her that when she learns to put them out before leaving the room or falling asleep you MIGHT let her go back to regular candles... but ONLY after a set amount of time of her showing self awareness and responsibility. That should please everyone because she will still have candles, you won't have to worry about her safety and the safety of your home and family, and you won't have to argue w/ your husband about arguing w/ his daughter (who is also your daughter now and I feel you have every right, while she is still a minor, to give input to her rearing... no matter how old she is).

Good luck. I'll be praying for you.

Hi A.,

I agree with what others have said...

1. Unattended candles are dangerous and should NOT be allowed in children's rooms. Even if it takes a fireman coming to the house to make them understand.
2. This sounds like a control issue with your step-daughter and your husband is taking her side instead of backing you. He is undermining your authority and showing the step-daughter that she doesn't have to listen to you.

I am a step-mom to an 11 year old boy. My husband and I went through nine months of premarital counseling to work out the issues that arise from divorce and having a blended family. It sounds like you and your husband could use some professional help. I'm sure he feels guilty for being divorced and uprooting his daughter and now he is trying to make up for it. Judgment is easily clouded by all of these issues. I strongly recommend counseling so that you can all get on the same page. Good luck!

Check with your local fire department about a fire danger class for her age. Explain the problem and they should be able to direct you. This is serious and she is putting not only herself, but the whole family in danger!

I haven't read the other responses, but here is an idea. First you and your Husband have to come to some sort of agreement. Then HE has to be the one to lay down the law.
You may have to do some research to make a presentation to your husband about the dangers of candles that are left unatended. Check with your local fire department to see if they have any videos of how fast a fire can start from a candle. Then maybe you can come up with a contract your Step daughter has to sign with her FATHER, that if she leaves her room with her candle going even once, she looses the candles.
Make her responsible for coming up with a fire safety plan for your family and scheduling family "fire drills". And what would the plan be if your house did burn down, where would you live how do you replace your things. If she is going to have the privilege of candles, she needs to know the reality of her carelessness.
Post the contract on her door with a reminder "HAVE YOU BLOWN OUT YOUR CANDLES". It's best that you stay out of a war with her and try in PRIVATE to have an adult conversation with her father, so that the two of you agrea. Here is a website I found with Candle saftey info http://www.candles.org/safety_candles.html
http://www.nfpa.org/categoryList.asp?categoryID=638&U...

I would simply ask her (clear with husband so that you are unified in your request!) to put the candles on a desk or bed table where there isn't cloth near the candle itself. If the candle falls on the floor, it should extinguish on its way down. Just help her be smart about where the candles go. Go at it not from a confrontational standpoint, but from an educational standpoint. Any firefighters in your friends/family circle? Would they be willing to enlighten your daughter? These suggestions come from someone who does NOT have a teenager yet. :)

Hi A.,

I feel for you in this situation. It's hard to understand why your husband does not see the danger when the girl has already proved herself unresponsible about the candles. Does your husband give in to his daughters on other things too? Often a divorced Dad will feel guilt about his divorce and not living with his kids, and feels he has to give them whatever they want to make up for it.

It would no doubt be a good thing for you and your husband to get some counselling to help work through any guilt and understand how that impacts his present dealings with his daughters, and also with you. You two need to come to a better way of making wise decisions together and in working out what your role is with his daughters. You need to present a united front or it is going to eventually hurt your marriage as well as allowing the girls to be able to manipulate you both, which is not good for them.

As to the candles, I would not allow them, but I realize you have to work this out with your husband. Tell him you don't feel safe with this being allowed and hope that he is wonderful enough to take this seriously and do his job of protecting his family from a real danger.

I wish you the best!

L.

for conformation, you are absolutly right on for removing the candles, you gave her a consequence and the results of removal were removal of just the candles, but you and your husband must ALWAYS be on the same page, I have three step kids, one of my own and one child with him, now thats a task. one thing we saw and I see with this situation is her ability to divide and conquer, kids will always look for a way to put a wedge inbetween your marriage, accept it and agree to be aware and not allow that. your husband regardless if he agrees should support you in what you originally warned her on, if you want to make a point give her one more chance, state it loud and clear that you will not tolorate them being left unattended to her and your husband, make them both agree and when it happens again they will be added to the trash never to be brought back and THAT IS NATURAL CONSEQUENCE! agreed by all.
T.
Good luck!

Hi A.,

Well I wouldn't let my teen have candles either. I do think it's a good argument considering my roommate did start her room on fire and she's lucky it didn't get too out of control, and she was 20 something at the time. She lit her pillow and bed on fire and she even burned some of her hair off. I think they have candle warmers where you put a candle on this warmer and it heats up but it plugs into the wall and there is no flame. I have seen them around and have considered it myself. still smells good with out the flame. It's sticky situation if your husband doesn't back you on it. I don't think you are being too harsh considering you did warn her and she didn't change her habits. Maybe approach her one more time and sit her down and say ok I am willing to try one more time but if I find you aren't being careful and leaving them lit, we will have to find a different way to make your room smell good. Talk to your husband and try to get him to back you or atleast listen to your reasoning again. Good luck!

A.,

I would present a compromise to keep everyone happy: you get to feel safe and your step-daughter gets to still have pretties.

There are candle looking lights. The flicker of a candle with none of the risk...GLADE makes them, I think.

This way, she can have the atmosphere she enjoys and your feelings are accepted without you having to be the "mean" one.

I understand the concern. My niece also likes candles, and we had to take away the privilige after her not listening. She threw a fit, and eventually snuck items into her room. I wish I had the option of these items when we were dealing with that issue...

Good luck.

T.

Hi A.,

I have no experience w/step-children either(except I *was* one once upon a time), but I've been married long enough to sense that you have a huge relationship issue(with your husband and the daughter), along with the very real danger of the neglect of the candles here. I agree with the other posters that said shame on your husband for not supporting you in this very valid concern, and also for not being concerned about her neglect right along with you. Does he want to lose yet another house in a tragedy where you, she and/or he might die or be burned horribly?!?

The fact is that he *should* be very, VERY concerned about the danger her neglect causes, and that should be first and foremost in his mind, and he is unreasonable to not see it.

I think you all need some family conseling specifically for blended families so that you can build a working relationship with each other of trust and respect.

In the meantime, could you possibly compromise, just to show them both that you're not trying to be mean and unreasonable to her, and get her a couple candle warmer plates? They usually sell at Walmart(where I bought mine) for about $5, but I'm sure you can also get them at Target or Bed, Bath and Beyond. I'm sure you know what they are, but just in case, they're a small warming plate, just a bit bigger than the candle jar. You turn on the switch, and the plate heats the candle so that you get the smell from the candle, but not the flame.

OR, I really love Glad scented oil plug ins, and the Airwick ones also, or maybe the story scents thing. Lots of alternatives for smells that she can indulge in a variety of choice, but not impose danger on you, herself, or her father.

I'll be thinking of you and sending "safe" wishes for your family, and the hopes that you all can find a way to become a harmonious family.

K. W

You are right,, you need to tell her NO CANDLES! I know for a fact they take lives,,my little brother was one of those,19 years old,, dead of a candle in his windows sill,, so you show her this email,, I cry for him all the time,, his name was and is GUY!!!!! he left a new born daughter,, who knows her Daddy only by pictures,:((, it tears my heart out,, tell her NO CANDLES and if she still does,, burn her fingers with a match,, or take her to the mortuary,,,, they have people there they can show her,, how they died in a fire,, it is not pretty,,and she will not be PRETTY LAYING IN A CASKET ALL BURNED!!!!!!I know, I saw my BROTHER lying there ,, his body burned,, and the smell,, oh my GOD!!!!! this e-mail isn't suppose to be nice,, death is not nice,, it has no pretty face,, like your daughter,, it will take her,, and you,, your husband,, is a CANDLE worth all that??? Death will find you,, with your pretty candles,, D. P.S let her read this e-mail,, the truth some times does it all,,

A.:
I had the same problem, and my husband was NO HELP. Our daughter was "out of control", and I finally just took all her candles and locked them up.

From your description, I cannot tell if this is just one manifastation of a bigger attitude problem, and different approaches between your husband and yourself. Being a step parent is a very difficult tight rope walk!

I have been a member of a parent support group for many years, now, and it has helped me and my husband be a "team". Before- we were pulling in opposite directions, and our family practically "came apart"...It was not a pretty sight!

The parent group is here in Redmond, as well as other locations. It is free, and meets every week. Another thing that they do is offer seminars on different topics 8 times a year.
Guess what? the next seminar is THIS SAT. and the topic is "LIFE IN THE BLENDER" Step Parent and Blended Family Issues...

We will be having a panel of our parents who have dealt with SERIOUS step parent conflicts, and come out the other side...
I can't recomment it enough.

If you are interested in the details, it is from 10-noon this sat., and is being given in S. Everett this time, and just off the freeway at exit 86, I believe, the Broadway, Everett Mall exit, off I 5.

If you and your honey would like to come, give me a call.

V. Day Redmond "Changes Parent Support Network. www.cpsn.org my home phone is ###-###-####

PS You do not have to have "out of control" children to benefit from this seminar. The issues are universal, and even apply to "regular" married couples. (After all, we are all so different in our upbringings and approaches.) It sounds like your husband is the "marshmallow, and you are the sargent.)

I am a step mom, now a step grama... I understand what you are going thru. Good luck, will say a prayer for you and family.

You are right!!!!
As a child my best friend burned down her house TWICE leaving candles unattended (the whole house!).
I don't know how you can diplomatically do it with a teen but maybe loosing privileges for a week the first time.
I hope you win this one for all your safety.
R

Your husband needs to be on the same page with you. He is an adult and knows the dangers. There should be no problems. She has lost her privileges with candles. That's it. It says right on the candles, never leave unattended. It's better to have her mad at you than loose her life over a fire.

No, you're not unreasonable on this one.

Maybe offer to change your mind if your husband and daughter can find both an insurance adjuster and a fire investigator (from the fire department) who will talk to you and assure you that it's safe? But until they find those two people, no candles.

Seems to me that talking face-to-face with people who've had to deal with the aftermath of house fires might make more of an impression on both of them than the statistics. (Actually, seems to me that just contemplating how they would try to convince an expert to speak in favor of unattended candles might well make them see just how unreasonable their position is.)

Until then, good luck. I can just imagine the wailing and the tension.

We had a similar problem. But it was with my husband banning ME from burning candles cuz I would forget about them. It's not only dangerous but it can be very messy on carpets, etc.

Our solution...flameless candles. They have some really fabulous ones now. Even some that smell good. Just Google it!

Good luck! :-)

I also have a 16 year old daughter who loves candles. I have to have rules for her with her candles. It is for her safety and mine. (plus all the wonderful pets sharing the home) Dad does not get involved because he does not get the safety issue.

My daughter is allowed to light only 4 candles at a time. I have to give permission before hand and they can only burn for 1 hour. After that I have found I tend to forget that there are candles burning. They are all away from the walls and curtains and must be on a dish or candle plate.

The best idea I found was when I asked her to please just light them in the tub when she wants to relax. Turn off the light and just have a nice, quiet, relaxing bath time. Now she enjoys that more then in her bedroom. I feel that is is safer also as the candles are in the tub enclosure and are blown out before she gets out.

Good luck with the issue and with your daughter. I have had my face burnt off before so I know first hand how bad the pain is from fire.

This truly is a safety issue and you are right to be concerned. There are also those glade flameless candles. Maybe you should just buy her one you think she might like and give it to her as a little gift.

Let me start by saying, your concern is valid!!! One of my dearest friends had a house fire just the night before last that is keep her entire family homeless for months. You are wise to be cautious.

However, it sound to me like this is more of a step parent issue than anything else. I would just suggest that you do the most you can to stay calm so you don't get nailed as the crazy one.

Good luck, and I'll be praying for you!

I have a hard time myself remembering to blow out the candles before i leave, so i bought the candle burners. You can leave them on all the time and your candle will last forever. You can buy them at michaels-the craft store, and at walmart.

IMO your concern is valid. You're caring for your family and it's a shame if they don't realize it. Rather than real candles, it might be a decent compromise to have the alternative fake candles that flicker like real ones. If you put them in a frosted holder, it will look totally real. (I'm using them for my wedding since real candles are prohibited.) Its a great, safe alternative without looking cheap.

Mt 17 yo loves candles, so I bought her the "flameless" candles. They are electric, but come in pretty frosted jars and multiple sizes and they are battery operated. They even make scented ones. Give it a try - your concerns are very valid!

I love candles but with a 2 year old who thinks every candle is for singing Happy Birthday and blowing it out, I can't keep them lit. I bought the candle warmers that they sell at Micheals, Walmart etc. They look like a little hot pad that plugs in and the candle just sits on it. It gets warm enough to melt the wax but not to start a fire. Your stepdaughter would be able to get the smell from her candles and not really have to worry about attending to the open flame. (Just a little warning though, do not pull the wick out once the candle is liquified, it leads to bubbling of the candle.)

screw them - you are in the right - TOTALLY!

They probably won't see it your way till something bad happens. My dh best friend caught his house on fire with 1 candle. Why does her Dad even give her rules about the candle if he isn't going to make her follow them. Unfortunately in the real world (3 years for her) she won't get chances like that.

I would take them. And if they buy more take them too! You are protecting yourself not just them.

I don't know if it will help, but when I was 15 I set the sofa in my room on fire with an unattended candle. Nothing much was burned except the couch, but there was extensive smoke damage and I was in serious trouble as well as feeling awful about ruining my things. Maybe just hearing a story that did turn out as you are fearing will help your husband and stepdaughter see your point of view.

Ask dad what is reasonable? Get more into it with him and let him know you will hold him resposable if the house catches fire. You can get a water & fire proof safe and put your belongings in it and your refridgerator works a a gteat fire safe too. I would sell the candle stuff on craigslist,org or e-bay and just get rid of it, if they are too stupid to realize the risks.

I will be honest here and say that we are a very forgetful family. We have often left candles burning, and we know we do, so heres some precations: Wall sconces keep candles out of reach of children (or cats) and tealights or votives in holders keep the candle contained and burn for shorter periods of time. There is virtually no risk that way, especially if she is just wandering the house. Since you know she is forgetful, just take a detour through her room on your way out the door, or remind her to. This way, every one is happy. Good Luck, Jen

I wonder if the type of candles my MIL got my SIL and I for Christmas a few years ago would be a good compromise(sp.). They look and smell like real vanilla candles because they are made of wax and even have a real looking wick but they are battery operated. They even glow like a real candle. We were given them because we have toddlers. The only other thing I think of is to have a fire personnel talk to them and maybe set a certain place and time she can burn them.

Dear A.~
I did read the many, many responses that you got here so I am sure that I am just repeating what everyone else is saying but maybe the more voices singing the chorus the louder the message will be and maybe your husband will listen.

Any type of unattended flame, regardless of what type of container it is in, is a hazard!! It is extremely dangerous to leave candles unattended. Especially when out of the home. And OH MY GOODNESS, with cats in the home. I can't believe that your husband is being so casual about the risks. I would have taken the candles away the first time it happend - no second chances! If I can suggest a comprimise - Glade flameless candles. They are scented and put off a lovely glow. No flame, no rish, no biggie if they are left unattended. If necessary, march hubby and daughter to your local fire station and have the firefighters there tell them a story or two about the fires, damage and lives lost due to a single candle. Best wishes - we are all rooting for you!!

I think it is within your perfect right to take away the candles. She is living in your house by your rules. I can tell you it only takes seconds to burn a home to the ground, not to mention the danger of human and animal life. And then the guilt the child has, takes years to clean up. Follow your instinct. We lost a home by fire. Horrible experience. We also have a child who was severly burned at 11 years old. All of this after I would take my chidren to the local fire dept to talk with the fire fighter about the dangers. Put your foot down. When she gets her own place she can have a different set of rules, but for now, you are protecting her.

Uh, it sounds like you already know what to do... Take the candles away, they are obviously a fire hazard, tell her it's because of your home insurance.
Buy her the fake tealites that use batteries to simulate real candles, I have them because I have small children in the house. I also have the globe fake candle too that emits a fragrance. let her pick out the fragrance. It is your house, you have to pay the bills. Worst case, buy her something else as a compromise, like that sweater or poster she has had her eye on?

I'm sorry to say it but this may not be a fight you can win, especially if your hubby isn't behind you on this. Some good ideas would be to talk to her about how much this concerns you. Let her know that if you see her out of her room for more than say 15-20 mins. you will be going in to check on and blow out any burning candles. Simply explain that maybe you're a little paranoid (I don't think you are but it would make you out a little less the bad guy if you gave a bit of ground) but that you can't control how nervous it makes you. Be sure to tell her that she is free to re-light them when she goes back in there.

Another one would be to gently ask if she's left any candles burning when you've noticed that she's been out of her room for a while. (You said she is easily distracted, perhaps she's forgetting). If she says yes this would be a good time to bring up the "I'm-paranoid-but-can't-help-it" short version talk.

Besides that you may just have to let it go and invest in REALLY good smoke detectors and insurance. Being a step parent is sticky I know i wouldn't want to do it. Good luck!

I have a 5 yr. I use Fameless they work just a good and safer....Good luck

Here is a suggestion:

Glad you are concerned for your step daughter. I hope you can support her as these are the most important years of her life before she becomes an adult (less than 2 years away) and your husband may not see her much if she moves out or then gets a job and is off with her adult friends. But you know what she means to him I am sure that is why you are so concerned about her and are trying to help her make good choices.

So about that candle situation. Did you know that you can measure how long each candle will burn with this cool tool from the webste: http://www.candletech.com/calculator/burntime.php

For candles that burn up to 40 hours there is a website that has emergency candles, candles that you can cook with and are waterproof, and candles that are for a lantern. I love lantern candles because I have a 2 year old and I hang them from the ceiling. It is also nice for a special night with hubby. http://www.campmor.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Category...

Have you seen the cool candle cover too? check this out: http://www.moreaupottery.com/mixofgrglvoc.html

You know I don't know if she likes the tea lite candles, but I love them because they will only burn for a few hours. Oh, yeah that would be good for your step daughter huh. I saw a bunch of cool ones on ebay, but really they are cheap anyone and you can get them anywhere. http://search.ebay.com/huge-candles_W0QQcrlpZ###-###-####...

You did say she likes her candles by the window though right? Well, I found one that mounts to the wall that is so nice. I know this is a bit of money, but it looks so nice I am going to search for a cheaper one for myself. Be sure to check all the room views because I just love it! http://www.crateandbarrel.com/family.aspx?c=1340&f=13290

Anyway, one last idea. How about getting her a large candle because they burn longer at a time and put it in a large vase (so large the cats can't knock it over of climb in it) and fill it with a gallon of water? Here is a larger candle made from the good stuff: http://www.dianeshoney.com/catalog/product_info.php/pName...

And that's it! Really, I wish you all the luck with your family. I believe you care about your daughter and you can understand her world and at the same time help her learn the importance of taking responsibility for herself. If she loves candles make sure that she has the proper coverings, holders, good candles that burn well etc. Tell her you want to spend the money on e the good stuff and not the crappy cheap candles and take her out for a girls day!

Happy days!
G.

First of all, shame on your husband for not supporting you. Who is the adult and who is the child? They are very dangerous and she should NOT have them in her room. However, I have recently found a great alternative to candles, that I think she would be open to trying. Go to www.scentsy.com. These are well designed warmers that you plug in. The 25 watt bulb melts the candle wax in the tray and also serves as a night light. You can leave them on 24/7, if you'd like. No flames, wicks, etc. Very safe. My 9 year old son loves to pick the scents to put in them. They have several great scents to choose from and to me, they are better than a candle. The warmer is the biggest expense initially ($25), after that, the Scentsy bars (candle wax) are $5 each. You could let her pick out her warmer and her scents. I really do think she would love the idea. I hope this helps you! The candles need to go!

You're not being unreasonable. Candles are lovely, but they come with responsibility. If she's burning tea lights for the mood and not the fragrance, may I suggest battery operated tea lights. They are about the same size as a tea light with a flame that lights up and flickers. They cost about $2.99 each and I've seen them at Walgreen's, Payless and Hallmark Stores for starters. I use them at Christmas time when I have votive candles all over the house to illuminate my various decorations. The reed diffusers or plug in fragrance appliances like those you can find at Bath and Body Works are popular with young women (and older). Take her shopping and let her pick out here own. You aren't being unreasonable about the traditional candles. You have to be safe, not sorry. Even adults forget, and it only takes a minute to change a home to a charred rubble.

The compromise I suggest: flameless candles.

Hi, I am S.. Mom to 5 and a Mia Bella Dirtrubitor. I no longer use candles that you have to light. We have a product called a Simmer Pot. it is electric and uses a 40 w bulb to melt the candle wax. I too had my teens lighting theirs and would constantly worry. After I started in candles and tried the Simmer pots, I do not worry. Yes, they still leave them on, but it is much easier for me to spot the light from them than it is to see a candle flame. You can see them at http://candlemajik.scent-team.com I can also mail you some scent samples.

A.,

I'm just now realizing how paranoid I made my dad when I would light taper candles all around my room, then fall asleep before putting them out. I even managed to set my hair on fire one day because I wasn't paying attention. I've had waist length hair most of my life, and I spun around in my room and flipped my hair right into a flame. Went up like a torch.

You have a very valid concern, and if it were me the candles would just start disappearing. When she leaves it lit and unattended I would go in, blow it out, then take it away and put it somewhere she can't find it. Unless and until she shows more responsibility with an open flame she should not be allowed to have any in her room.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I can understand why you may be upset but while reading what you had to say I feel like maybe you are obsessing over the candles in the room, for whatever reason. Shes 15 still so young ,if worried about the candles then maybe you could go into her room and check up on them every so often while letting her know how scared you are about the house burning down, have her keep the door shut so the cats don't get in and hope for the best! being a step mom may be hard but being any sort of mom is going to be a challenge she has so much going on in that 15 year old head of hers just try and get down to her level. Setting rules is important maybe NO candles in the home at all for a while. GOOD luck stay safe.

Wow! you have gotten alot of responses -but how about you get your local fire dept involved in this. Go there and tell them what you are dealing with and see if they can advise you. Maybe they can come and visit your home for a fire inspection and speak to your family then. OR maybe you can take your family there.....

This would drive me crazy too... good luck!

I would ban all candles and flames from the house until your stepdaughter AND husband and mature enough to realize the risk.

I'm sure your local fire department would be happy to provide information for your family on the risks of unattended candles.

As a 58 year old step-mother (I adore my step-daughter but didn't always!!!!) You are in the middle of a power struggle with your step-daughter. Why don't you just buy her a bunch of those little battery candles and don't go so crazy about all this, pick your battles, pick your battles stepmom!!!

By the way I have had my step-daughter for twenty-two years.