Seeking Advice on......bullying

it might be mom she is doing this because then you have to pay attention to her, volenteering for a great cause helps builds compassion for others, have her donate something special to the homeless shelter, take her to the animal control buy some treats for the dogs, she needs to learn compassion. Talk to the school a few times sitting on the re line at lunch helps, if she is older then detention after school does help. If she can't be nice then she sits in the office for her play time. Its pretty embarrashing after a few times.

Good Luck

Have you tried going to the school and ask if they have anything there! Most schools in this day and age, with the terrible bully's in schools now, are very aware of how bullying affects kids! And should be well equipped in dealing with these situations. Good luck! you also might search the web for support groups also!

how old is your daughter? how often is she at school? (days & hours)
what is her teacher's response? all helpful information to assist with responses.

First your children need to understand that taking care of your mother is part of Lifes circle. She took care of you as a baby and raised you and now, you have to help her reach her next phase of life or death. It how we show are love. They can also help you with the task. Maybe not phyically but just be there.
Your daughter is displaying classic behavior for a 3rd child. She has to fight for attention and "pecking order". You don't need a class to teach her, she just needs to understand the ground rules of life and you have to teach her.Aggresive behavior is a great quality if tempered. This will insure her to be successful in the cruel world, and to be a leader verses a follower.
I don't just how bad she is. But you know proper behavior in a classroon verses the playground. In a reastaurant verses home.In a shopping mall or Grocery store. If she is behaved in the right places, she might just be a dominating individual. As long as she is not hurting , I mean hitting or biting. She is just claiming her ground. Please remember life has a way of putting people in their place one way or another. Once she enter a social environment , the other kids will put her in to toe. She will either be the modt popular or the outcast. This lesson she has to learn on her own.
Your JOb is to love her and if you see her display poor behavior then nip it in the bud Mom. Pinch her under the arm. The soft skin under the top of her arm. It gets the message across. Speak firmly and hold your ground as a teacher and Parent.
Its hard to be a parent, but you sound like you have your hands full.
Hang in there, This too shall pass.
N.

http://kidsareworthit.com/
Barbara Coloroso has written a book called: THE BULLY, THE BULLIED and THE BYSTANDER. I heard her speak in my community on that topic and it was a great talk. I own the book, but only skimmed it. That book may have answers for you. You can also e-mail her and see if she writes you back with answers. There may be resources in the back of the book.

If you go to Amazon and look it up, you will find similar books that you may want to check out from your local library.

Personally, taking Parenting Classes (on Positive Discipline) at my local Adult School (they have a preschool, parent co-op that I belong too and parent education of child development is a big component of the program) and reading some great books on Positive Discipline has helped me with this issue.

Some say (and I agree with this) that "all misbehavior is due to unmet needs." Is she raging about something? Something going on in her life where she feels unheard and powerless and then chooses to act out (lash out) at school?
http://www.awareparenting.com/misbehav.htm

I did a google search (bullying and positive discipline) and found this:
http://www.positivediscipline.com/questions_teacher/quest...

Your daughter may be missing you a lot of course. So also focus on giving her some positive attention and feedback. Can you spend some alone time with each child? That also helps a lot.

First off, may I say.....hats off to you for acknowledging and working on this problem! So many parents are in total denial and bullies can cause so much heartache for so many kids through the years. Today's bullying can be cleverly disguised and parents and teachers don't notice. Try this website....PARENTCOACHCARDS.COM. He actually addresses both sides of the bully issue, along with many other parenting issues. God luck and God bless!

It would help to have more information on your daughter...age, who she is picking on etc.

Bullies typically have a really low self esteem and boost it by knocking down other "easy targets" with already lower self esteems. I work with kids with autism and those with Asperger Syndrome always seem to get bullied and it's devastating to their ego and their progress. Believe it or not, some commit suicide b/c the schools do not or are unable to effectively address this...so it can be a very toxic activity.

I praise you for taking the time to educate your daughter and steer her away. I think a video of some sort showing how it feels to be on the other end might make her more empathetic.

Dear P.,

I wish I knew the age of your child and where you live.
Anyways I will share the resources I have found helpful dealing with my own daughter. She is 12 and we live in Camarillo. There is a center called New Beginnings, it is a group of 4 or 5 wonderful Pshychologists, they also have group sessions for girls to help them deal with relationships, self image etc....Call Sarah Nicholson if this info is appropriate for your location and age, her number is ###-###-####.
Good Luck

Hard to give specific advice without age, examples etc. But I will say, your "about me" says it all... that taking care of your ailing mom is having a huge effect on the kids. When children feel out of control in their life (any changes in what they are used to- less time with a parent, someone gets sick, relocation, new sibling, the list goes on) they will seek to get control over their world in any way possible. Sometimes this means controlling (bullying or manipulating) other kids. I agree with the gal who said you should enlist the help of your daughter's school counselor (you didn't mention age, but if she's Kinder or above there should be one at her school). Their job is to handle problems like that- I know because I am one! With experience in both elem and middle school. If the counselor doesn't have a group for peer relations, she/he could at least work with your kid individually. Sounds like, aside from the bullying problem, your daughter could probably really benefit from someone to talk to about school stuff/family stuff.
Good luck P., You'll get through it for sure because the most important thing is that you care enough to address the problem. Hugs, S.

Hi P.,

First - hats off to what you are handling with taking care of your Mom while she is ailing and still being focused on issues with your daughter.
I've been where you are at taking care of your own family while taking care of geriatric parents.

Not knowing the age of your daughter...but clearly she is in school so she is at least 5 and up? ...and without a lot of other information like how long has this been going on? was it always like this? etc etc....

...it's possible that she is reacting to a lack of time with you because you have so much on your plate. But we all have to handle what we are dealt so it is what it is. She, like everyone else in your family has to deal with the situation at hand. Because we all know ' this too shall pass...'...hopefully that's all it is - based on her age.

But something I've watched with kids - boys or girls - who handle their emotions through violence, bullying, tantrums, non constructive methods of any sort....is putting them in some form of martial arts. I've watched kids with some of the worst attitudes get 'focused' and learn how to deal with their emotions. Cuz after all - what EVER it is she is feeling or going through...it's the lack of being able to handle her emotions effectively. Whether we're talking about holding them in or whatever...that is the core.
She needs an outlet.

So unless you know of something else that has happened to her that could be affecting her psychologically....where she needs guidance that way....I'd say then a physical outlet and learning how to hone in those emotions and express them differently is the way to go.

Good Luck.

Not sure how old your daughter is, but you might remind her that bullying has a way of bouncing back on them when they least expect it. Sometimes it doesn't throw much fear into them because they know the parents won't do anything anyhow, so why not do it? Or they're doing it to get the attention of the parents since they don't get it otherwise.

My daughter was bullied by a girl, who we both ended up talking to the dean at her middle school about, and the dean said she had a long history and the parents and child have been counseled before. Since the parents didn't take an active role to do anything about it, the child continued to bully and steal from other kids as well as took my child's cell phone and resold it, before we could get it returned. So, the actions only get worse if you don't do something about it.
Turns out that when we didn't see her in high school, there were some rumors she left town since she had such a bad history all around our area. Another was that she probably got sent to a different high school where they send the troubled students. But we're happy she no longer is with the kids she formerly traumatized. whatever the end result was, it ended up taking a toll on her whole family, I'm sure. So, if you don't take care of it now, you'll only end up paying for it later - or she will.

Another child started bullying my daughter and I had enough of it, so I sent her to martial arts training in case it came to a real fight. I didn't want my daughter beat senseless. The self-confidence alone gave her the courage to deal with the kids inthe future. It helped us that we advised the school as well, and told them to organize classes so that they weren't together. That, and the police record on the kid that we turned in, was enough to warn the single mom that we meant business. The bullying stopped there.

So, actions taken by you now will help you to avoid unpleasantries with other kids' parents and a potential record (school or police) on your daughter. At some point, another patent will step in and do this if you don't take action - if they don't, kids will only take so much before they break, and do something drastic themselves to take care of the situation. I didn't want that to happen, so I stepped in myself to take care of it.

so, not sure if this really answers the question of how to handle it. But I can speak from the other side that you need to handle it - before someone gets seriously hurt.

This may be the obvious solution you've already tried, and it will only help certain kids, but why don't you take her with you to help take care of your mom. Maybe if she can see the work and frustrations and stress you're dealing with, she'll realize that the bullying is only creating more for you to handle. You may not want her to see that, but sometimes kids have a lot of insight on their own, and will adjust behaviors accordingly. If she's a little older, you might even ask her to help. Then, you can tell her the best way to help is to be good so you can deal with the other things with less stress.

Hi P.,

I'm pretty much in the same situation you are and understand what it's like to be timed pressed all the time. Believe me, it's not a good thing when you over hear your kids playing house and you hear them saying something and then attaching "Now!" at the end of it over and over again practically. I'm just joking . . . but not really.

Anyway, I have a 5-year old boy who is on the Autism Spectrum. He's high functioning and has a pretty good disposition most of them time but there times when he can go from calm to full blown boil within a matter of seconds. To help him regulate himself and learn some calming techniques, I've found a neighbor that is doing yoga with him for 30 minutes, one time per week. The yoga that he is doing with her is very playful and story based with a new (easy) yoga pose incorporated into the session. Since starting it, I've noticed a calmer, more positive child. BTW, some of the parks & rec departments offer mommy & me yoga classes. Maybe this is something that you and your girls can do together to eek out a little quality time together during the week.

Good luck.

I don't have advice on bullying but I live in San Diego and take care of a person in Claremont, ( 1 1/2 hours north of me) and have hired a company called AccentCare at $15.00 an hour and have wonderful people taking care of her when I am not there. They are nationwide but their local San Diego number is ###-###-####. This might give you a breather.

I have had kids on both ends of the spectrum; a bully and a potential bullier. I can tell you from experience (and a ton of parenting classes, therapy sessions etc.)that you must deal with this RIGHT NOW. I know you're in mega overload mode, but please take the time. This one is on us. There is no group or class that is going to replace her parents (both) letting her know how sad, angry, disgusted, etc you feel about her behavior. That she is welcome to have angry feelings and dislike someone, but that people, animals etc. are not her vehicle to act those out. To start, she must write an apology note to the other child, and if she is too young to write than she can draw her a picture, take her some cookies etc. She also needs to write an apology note(drawing etc) to her teacher for being unkind in school. She must be made aware that her behavior must change now, and if it does not there will be the most severe consequences. All of this must be done without anger on your part. Hopefully, she's still young, that is when you have the best chance of nipping it. When this started with my son I sat him down, and told him that I was completely ashamed of him, that he his behavior was that of a weak persons, that strong people never behave like this, and that I expected better of him. Since he was young (5) he actually cared about what I had to say. He went on to tell me what had started it, that the other kids were teasing him because he could not read yet, and since he was faster and stronger this was how he was "getting even". We talked about better strategies to deal with being angry and hurt, and how to enact them. Not only did his bullying stop, he sort of became the protector of the kids being bullied. Also, at every chance we must appoach other people with emapthy. For ex. when you see a fat person, it's not "Oh how gross", it's "that poor guy, his parents must never have taught him proper eating habits." Unfortunatly we do not live in a kind empathetic world. If we want our kids to be so then we must act. Finally, please get some therapy and parenting help. BTW, both you and your husband need to be there during every talk etc. It's worth every moment. Good luck.

I would seek guidance from her school counselors. You did not mention how old she is, but my daughters public elementary school has a great team of counselors that deal with all types of grief, instability and pressure in youngsters. Your child is feeling your stress, and the counselors can probably help her directly and point you in a direction to get some assistance yourself. There may even be some public assistance programs available to you for helping with your mom. Your daughter is making this "cry for help" and you need to answer the call.

Karate is a wonderful sport that lets kids get exercise, teaches them self defense, and shows them how to work as a team but it also allows them to get some aggression out in a positive way. I have three kids, 6, 8, & 9 and they all love it!

You didn't say how old your little girl is but local preschool teachers and elementary school teachers generally have some tips re bullying behavior. Some of the elementary schools have behavior coaches available. Can you take her with you to help take care of your mom - give her some little tasks or responsibilities while you're there? It could be she would appreciate this service to your mom as a mother/daughter service. Good luck.

Get her into karate. It shows kids positive ways to control themselves and focuses on dispiline and that fighting is only for defense. It will also build up her peer relationships as they focus on a goal together (obataining the belts). My friend started her kids in Karate and she said the difference was apparant after a couple of weeks. My son will be starting next month.

Also, do what you can to be with her more. If, possible, cut down your work hours and that will help everyone. Kids get stressed too and feed off of others stress.

I found that bullying is usually a direct result of something lacking in the bully's life - something they wish they had, the used to have and miss, etc...Usually attention is a number one. Maybe include your daughter in taking care of your mom - or do something one on one with her once a week or when you are there at home, make a directed decision to pay her more attention. That would work better than her going to a group to deal with what she doesn't understand is wrong in the first place. It is more of a psychological issue, but easily fixed with extra love. God Bless & Good luck!

Check out this group: www.cnvep.org
Center for Non-Violent Parenting (Raising Children Who Care). You can get some great tips for helping kids talk and relate to others in a peaceful, constructive way.

Get help taking care of your mom so you can spend more time with your daughter. Your kids come first. You said it yourself that your time away from your kids is having a huge effect on them. It doesn't mean you love your mom any less.

Karate is supposed to be really good in helping children to have focus and respect for others. But, more importantly, perhaps the comotion of having you gone so long is not helping. I can speak from experience, as my father recently passed away 2 months after diagnosis. My husband and I cut out a lot of expenses, even moved to a cheaper place, and I can tell you that it made me so greatful to see my Dad almost every day, and still have time to be the children, and comfort them in them losing their only Grandpa. I know it's hard, but it's not impossible. Think about the temporary time, and the long term memories and pride you will have when you look back and see that you got to experience taking care of your mother without the expense of your children, and especially your husband. I'll be in prayer for your mom's health, and for peace in your home. God bless.