Seeking Advice on Not Telling the Truth

As far as I can see, there is no reason for them to know you signed a lease right now. When you are moving, you can tell them. After all, the house is being prepared to be sold, they have to know you have to move at some point & when that is impending, that is the time to tell them.

I understand the points made about maintaining trust. Trust requires that they know where you are & what is going on. Not your exact plans for the future. Right now, you are at the house & you are getting it ready for sale. They know that - trust is kept. When it is time to move, you tell them that.

At some point, your ex will have to know where you are so paperwork can be exchanged, etc. Doesn't mean he should be riding by.

I agree, don't borrow trouble right now if you don't need to. Wait until they have to know.

Hello K.. i feel in this situation, i feel 1. is really not any of your ex's business, 2. you are not moving and living there yet and 3. it is a need to know basis and he has no reason or need to know where you will be moving to until you are there. when you feel the time is right, then tell them. until then, mums the word if you prefer. you are not breaking any laws but rather respecting your own privacy. that is what i would do and i AM a christian.

K.,
I don't see anything wrong with waiting to tell your children where you are moving. I could see if they were young and moving with you and needed to be emotionally prepped for the move. In your case, your children are out on their own with their own lives. I would wait to tell them when you are ready to move. Why make your life with your husband miserable until then?

Honestly, this is coming from a mom who understands completely that we need things for ourselves to include time, space, and the ability to make choices that are in OUR best interest. If staying in that house is too much and you have apparently made the decision to begin again, than do it. You have the opportunity to embark on some new territory, to dig into some quality "Get to know K." time. So do it.

You know your kids. If they can't keep your confidence, than don't tell them until your ready. I have four sons of my own. If I ask them not to tell something, they don't. Bottom line.

It seems your kids have a problem with the separation. If they are grown, and on their own, then they will have to adjust. Just like you will. It's painful for everyone I'm sure. By all means "do you!" Congratulations on the opportunity to have some time to yourself and making a life changing decision to move on. I think it's great and you have my support.

Moving is one of the most stressful times in a persons life-not to mention separating. You aren't supporting your kids in your home, so you really need to do EXACTLY what you need to do for yourself to adjust to this new phase. you aren't being dishonest, you are simply delaying the information until you're ready. Take care of yourself, find peace in the present moment to get you to the best place in the future. You are right not to add any unnecessary stresses to the situation at this time. Best of luck! You will need to be very strong going forward on your own, and that includes keeping your boundaries-start now!!!

Hi K.,
I'm sorry for what you are going through. My mother is one who would not tell me of her "moves" in life until is already done. I'm on my own now with my own family, and although sometimes I can respect her decisions (thinking, she must have a good reason for keeping things from me), other times I recent her for it. Neverthelesss, it is your life, your decision and it doesn't depend on your kids, only on you.

I would think you have enough on your plate right now to have to "defend your actions" in a sort of way. And for what you say ("non-needed fights"), it sounds like they would not support your move. If that is really the case, I hope they do understand you, but I really don't think there is anything wrong with you trying to avoid any more conflict.

Having said that, it might just be your are not giving your grown kids enough credit? They might be all for it and even be willing to help you out on moving? But again, you know your reasons for not telling. Stick to them and don't regret it, once its done, its done. good luck.

You haven't moved yet, so what's to tell? However, once you have moved everything, I think you should tell your kids so that they won't worry about you. If you don't want them to tell your husband where you are moving, I would suggest you tell them that you are not ready for their Dad to have your new address. Tell them that they can tell him what area you have moved to but not to give him the address that you will do that when you are ready.

Make sure that your kids and husband do have a way to reach you in case of emergencies.

Good luck.

Hi K.,

Even with adult children who are out on their own, there is a level of trust that you must maintain if you want even a semi-harmonious family life. I understand that it's tough for you right now, but I also feel that your children deserve to know what's going on with you. My advice is to tell them the truth and to ask them to keep the information to themselves until you are ready to tell their father. As their mother, you certainly have the right to ask them to be discreet, and it is your call as to when to let their father know -- not theirs.

Telling the truth (even when it hurts) is the right thing to do with our children. I believe you know that or you wouldn't have asked this question. Let the kids know you are trusting them with this information. Explain your reasons for not wanting them to tell their father. If you use this approach, they will continue to trust you. If you don't, you could have a lot of hurt feelings and build a wall between you and your children that can have consequences far beyond and petty quarrels that may arise over where you are living.
I wish you all the best.

~P.

You have a right to your privacy. Your kids are adults and should know better than reporting things to each parent.

Dear K.,
The best advice my mom ever gave me was to try to put myself in my kids' place, and think from their perspective. Mine are still little, but your situation reminded me of the advice. Relationships are built on trust. Since your kids are grown, they should respect your wishes. Notice I said should not will. (You can't MAKE someone do the right thing.) That being said, if you were in their shoes, how would you feel? Try to take that into consideration, at least in part. Regardless of their age kids most want to see their parents in a relationship. You've said that you're separated, and they will understandably see this move as a step away from their father. While your life is just that, yours - you also should consider the fact that your life affects the lives of those around you. I suppose the bottom line is really right out of the New Testament - do unto others as you would have them do unto you. AND, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. In other words, Whenever Possible ~ we all know that it's NOT always possible. If keeping quiet for now will keep the peace, go for it. But if keeping quiet now will only make for a bigger problem when everyone learns that you've kept it from them, then don't. You'll have to figure your own personal balance on this one. I'll be praying for you. I'll also pray for your husband as your kids. Separation is difficult for EVERYONE involved!

They are grown and therefore don't need to know until your comfortable in telling them.

I hope that you have found support groups such as Divorce Care to help you through this time.

You need to have space and yes you are right in decision. It be way different it the kids younger.

Just wondering what the background is that you "don't want him to know just yet"? Are the adult children aware that the house is being prepared for sale? If so, it is obvious that you'd be looking for another residence.

Might it be that you are not ready to face the reality openly of moving out of your home and into a place of your own? Not acknowledging the reality of your situation typically does not support you making the best of the situation, which is I'm sure what your children would want for their Mom.

Best wishes!
G.

Since your kids are adults -- it really isn't going to affect them that much is it? Wouldn't they respect your wishes to NOT tell your former husband your plans? If not--why? If you think they will squeal-- I would tell them when you move. You can tell your ex then too. If they question you in the meantime, tell them you are focusing on getting the house done & sold & you will probably be moving to an apartment when it is sold.

Hi K.

While I don't have any experience with your particular situation, I thought I'd tell you this: It doesn't sound to me like you are lying, or not telling the truth. You are simply waiting until you are comfortable to tell your kids what you are doing. Don't beat yourself up.