Seeking Advice on Neighborhood "Friend" Being Mean to My Daughter

You need to talk to the parents about her actions. I can pretty much guarantee that they haven't been getting the full story from her based on the dad's reaction to just coming out on the porch and glaring...probably only the part about you sending her home for "no reason" or "I was just playing and she won't let me play with them anymore." She's not going to tell her dad what she did wrong because then she'll be in trouble. You need to walk her home and explain to her parents what happened.

I would forbid the BULLY from coming over. She is way way to old to be playing with small preschoolers anyhow. My daughter is almost 8 and would be bored out of her mind with a 3 or 4 year old.

Just forbid her from coming over, she's to big physically and mentally and just on a different page maturity wise. She needs her own friends her own age and someone bigger to pick on.

It just really shocks me that she's 11! When I was 11, I was babysitting not playing with small children and tormenting them. She is way to old to come over to play. It would be differnt if she was nice and sweet and helped. I use to ride my bike to my aunt's house at 11-12 years old and play with my little cousins but I was helping my aunt out, as in acting more like a babysitter or mother's helper than a friend.

I would tell the bully to keep out of your yard and stay away from you daughter. Why an 11 yr old is singling out a 3 yr old to be mean to is beyond me. This is troubling behavior and maybe worth a mention to the dad, although it may fall on deaf ears. Sorry you and your daughter are going through this. Good luck!

I went through something like this when my kids were small. We lived a summer in a campground while my husband was working in that town. The landlady's son was a stinker and always caused trouble, not only with my children but all the neighborhood children. When the kids were at my house I would let him be there until he would start acting up or tried to get one of the kids to cry, then I would send him on his way. Finally I got tired of it and told him he wasn't welcome at our house. It made my landlady mad but I told her that he causes trouble and if he can't control himself, I wasn't going to have the kids put up with it. Your situation is harder though. I personally would go talk with the parents and see if there is something they can do. Chances are they won't, but it would be the first step. Remember all they know right now is that their little girl is coming home saying you are mean and not letting her play with the other kids. If she comes to your home with only 3 treats and not one for your child, you can either take all three and say you will give them to her when she goes home or have some in your fridge for your daughter so if she pulls it then your daughter will have one also. I would be ornery enough to beat her to the punch and give them to the three and leave her out once just so she is on the recieving end. Talk with the next door neighbor and have her keep an eye on the situation also, so you aren't the only one who sees it. If this young girl respects the neighbors, see if they will talk with her and tell her how hurtful it is. Also remember that another year, this girl will be into a lot of different things and probably won't have time to play with little kids.

I would start by talking to the parents. It is possible the "glares" you are getting are because he only hears what his daughter wants to tell him. You know, something like how you are mean and won't let her play at your house. If this doesn't resolve the issue, then, yes, it would be totally appropriate not to let her play at your house, but I would try the parents first.

Girls are mean, cruel, vicious animals aren't they? Unfortunately this type of behavior- although not acceptable, is fairly common. With the age difference as it is, I would think limiting the interaction would be ok. Your daughter is 4, she will be ok, and there are ways you can word things that will not make her realize you are not allowing her to play with the other girl. I have to take my son out of the picture, even with my niece and nephew at grandmas house sometimes, because- he is an only child and they are twins- they know the "brother sister poke and play stuff" but my son does not, and it can come across as cruel. I just take my son outside and play something fun, in front of them telling them they cannot play with us since they weren't being fair/nice to their cousin.

This may seem way off-base, but my mother did this with some of the mean neighbor children in my own childhood (much to my mortification, of course): she would invite the offending child into our home for Koolaid and cookies and/or enlist them to help with some outdoor yard chore. Invariably, the children either A. became much nicer or B. left me alone after that. (even the ones who went to my same school or lived only a few houses away.) It was amazing. I'll never know how she came up with that idea, or quite why it works, but I rather suspect it has something to do with paying attention to the offending child, but not really negative attention. She never made the chores sound like a punishment or a threat; she would just say something like, "Hey Betty, I've seen how strong you are swinging some of the other kids around. My arms are getting tired and these last few weeds are really tough ones. Why don't you come give me a hand and then I'll bring out some cookies and lemonade when we're finished." LOL - My mother was either crazy or brilliant.

You are in a tough situation since this is a child from your neighborhood. I would talk to the parents and try to explain the girl's behavior to them. I would bet they have no idea what their daughter is doing. If you don't get a positive response then ban the girl from your home and yard. You need to be firm with this girl that you will not put up with any mis-treatment of your daughter. If she plays nice with the other kids then she has to play nice with your daughter. If she brings treats for one or two children then she must bring treats for all the children.
Who knows why this girl is being mean to your daughter. I would explain to you daughter that not all people are nice and we do not have to put up with people we don't like, or who treat us badly. And that her behavior has nothing to do with how nice a little girl your daughter is. Assure your daughter that she is loved and cherished.

D.,

I have had the nightmare neighbor kid and know how it is - coming into our house uninvited and eating out of the fridge, beating up our toddler, trying to sneak off with my daughter and the doctor kit, peeing in our yard in front of our children. I get how frustrating it is. But I took the situation as a character building opportunity for myself and my children.

Yeah, the neighbor girl isn't very nice, but everything you mentioned is rather petty. If it bothers you that much, talk to the parents about it and clear the air. Try to see if you can turn over a new leaf with the neighbor girl - demonizing her won't improve the situation. If things don't improve, you can explain to the neighbor girl that she needs to be nice to everyone in order to play at your home and be consistent in sending her home if she is hitting, kicking, name calling, etc.

As far as your daughter goes, this is an excellent opportunity to talk about how everyone makes choices and we don't know why some people make lots of bad choices. It's a great opportunity to talk about forgiveness, setting a good example, and how other people's poor behavior has nothing to do with our self worth. You can only protect her from "bullies" to a certain degree - and should if they are getting physically violent or cruel. But your daughter won't be four forever. She will endure the nightmare of middle school and high school. She will meet mean people in the workforce, as roommates, and possibly as dates. You can't be there to shelter her from every look, every word, every passive aggressive gesture. All you can do is arm her to deal with it, which is a much greater and long lasting gift.

Good luck,
S.

I would tell the neighbor girl that she's not allowed to come over to your house if she can't play nice. I would also have a talk with her parents. Tell them what she's been doing.

Hello, D.! These are always ticklish situations because of the attitudes of the other parents. In the first place, I think the 11-year-old is playing with kids too young for her. In the second place, it seems she is doing the "you can't play with them because I'm playing with them" game which is pretty common with little girls. Is she an only child? Maybe she feels threatened by your little girl coming over to play. Eleven-year-old girls are typically very immature at this age, so maybe she doesn't understand the depth of the problem. I suggest you take your little girl to a nearby playground or find some playdates with other friends who have children closer to your daughter's age. From the way the neighbor girl's father is reacting, I don't think you're going to get much feedback or help with this problem. It might be a good idea to keep an eye on the neighbor's kids, also, to make sure she doesn't start bullying them. She is way too old to really strike up true friendships with these little ones. Good luck, and I truly hope you get your problem resolved.

I think that you need to go talk to the parents before you completely ban her from your yard. If you haven't sat down with them, and you just keep sending the girl home, you have no idea what her parents think is going on. They could think that you are the bully and just don't like their daughter. In addition, if everybody is playing at your neighbor's house (one down), then you have no control over whether or not "Betty" is there. It might start to cause more conflict if you have to start policing who is at other parent's homes. If you sit down with "Betty's" parents and they aren't being reasonable, or the problem still continues, then by all means, you will just have to separate your child from her. But I believe the parents are the first step. You can also try talking to your daughter about how this girl is mean, but you aren't sure why. You can just tell your daughter to pretty much ignore her if "Betty" comes around. This might help stop the behavior as well, if the girl isn't getting any attention from her actions.

I would speak with the parents when you need to send her home. I would walk down with her and try to discuss the situation. I am a little concerned that and 11 y.o is playing with 6,4,2 y.o.s. She is too old and if she is displaying this mean behavior she needs to stop. Have you talked with your neighbor with the 2& 6 y.o.? She needs to be aware of this issue. 11 y.o don't have much if any in common with 6,4,& 2 y.o. Her parents need to open their eyes because this is not normal behavior.

I had a similiary situation with my son and a neighborhood bully. I simply told the child and the childs parents that the child is no longer welcome to your home and the reasons why. Simply explain to the parents what is going on and then tell your child that it isn't her fault that she has a bully as a neighbor. And I would also stress that behavior is not tolerated. I know it is difficult but since there is such an age gap, your child won't miss the interaction so long as she is still able to have friends that are closer to her own age.

D.,
You need to talk to her parents. When her dad comes out on the porch, it's the perfect opportunity to walk over there and tell him what just happened. Of course, you need to be nice about this, but you can't leave it up to the little girl to be telling her parents the truth about her behavior. For all they know, you're the one being mean to her, because you can be certain that's what she's telling them. Don't be scared to tell the parents, even if they react negatively, at least they will have to consider the fact that their daughter is at fault.
Best of luck,
Amy K

I have a few kids like that around here. After my last straw (I saw here riding her bicycle over my sons fingers... watching to make sure she got both wheels on them, He was 4 then and she was in 5th grade. I ran outside and told her she is not allowed to play with my kids anymore, and that I better not see her again.
My kids are a bit older now, 10 and almost8. There are a few boys that my kids have told not to come here anymore because of meanness and swearing. My kids did this on their own, and the boys have not come back.

If you can't talk to her parents, I would just try telling her that untill she can be nice to everyone, she is not allowed in your yard. Then try to keep your kids away when she is out their. After a few times of the neighbors playing at your house and her not being allowed, she might figure it out.

You need to talk to the parents and tell them what is going on. They are only hearing her side of the story, so aren't able to address the issue on their end if they don't know what is really happening. If they refuse to do anything, then you can refuse to let Betty interact with your daughter. You should also explain to the neighbors parents (of the two younger kids) what is going on, so they don't wonder why your daughter no longer comes over.

You are in a tough situation. I think I would handle this one of two ways.

1. Require the girls parents to come with her when she comes to play so they can "witness" her antics.

2. When she mis-bahaves walk her home and have her explain to her parents why she has been asked to leave with you by her side.

You are correct in stating this is unacceptable behavior (she's 11 and should know better). The other choice is to make her sit in time out at your house. An 11 year old would be quite embarassed to do that in front of younger children. Since her parents are not there and it is your yard, I think it would be appropriate. I would not allow her to play again with the kids until she apologized either.

Good luck with your situation.

G. (Mom to 4 - 14, 12, 6 & 3)