Seeking Advice on How to Respond to Unkind Behavior Towards Autistic Son

Hi S.-

I have a 6 year old with mild autism and while I have not dealt with anyone close to me or my son being unkind I have received the looks in the stores and the restaurants when my son is doing something inappropriate. You know the look that says, "can't you just tell him to stop?". The one thing that I have learned is that unless it's someone who has a special needs child or works with them they cannot understand what it is like. While they probably do not intend to be mean, they probably or wondering something to the effect of "why don't they teach him proper manners and rules about handshaking?" They just don't understand how difficult social situations can be for individuals with autism or how important habits and routines are in the individual's life.

You know these people better than I do, so you can decide whether this is something that would work with them and your son for that matter. But why not make this into a learning opportunity for your son? Talk to the couple and explain the issues your son has with social situations. Tell them that you would like to start teaching him more about proper etiquette in this area and proper personal space. Make sure they understand how difficult this will be, but perhaps they are willing to be a participant on Sunday. This will allow you to educate them about autism and also show them that you are working with your son in these areas but that it takes time and effort.

Best of luck with everything,
K.

Try to remember that, while Christians should be loving and long-suffering, we are still just human. No one is perfect, and some people just don't know how to respond to others with differences and/or disabilities. They don't have that same selfless love that you do, which is why God would probably not bless them with an autistic child. He knew you had the stregth and undying love to be the mother that you are to a child who may struggle in some areas. He is your son. You can see all the good in him, and you understand that he needs more patience than someone else's son. But also remember that ALL kids are annoying to someone. I have three, and they're probably annoying to EVERYONE!! Hahaha. So just think of it as the same thing. Don't expect everyone to make special exceptions for your child, even if you feel like they should. Just pray about it. And knowing that these people aren't quite capable of loving your son in they way you would hope, just do your best to discourage his interest in them, without putting up a wall or causing a problem. Just keep your distance and maybe say something to the effect of..."I'm sorry if he gets bothersome. He loves you guys so much, and just doesn't understand how to express that appropriately. I appreciate how good you are to him." And that isn't necessarily true, but it kind of lays out your expectations in a positive way. Then leave it at that. Don't wait for them or expect them to respond. Just smile, nod & walk away. They may have no idea they've come across that way, and I doubt they mean to hurt you. Just remember that it works the other way around...you'll have to be loving & long-suffering as well. But it sounds like God equiped you with a double-helping that!!!

Blessings,
C.

I'd write a letter and personally deliver it to her (so that you KNOW it isn't lost in the mail) and explain what is going on and what the deal is! (I'd also mention in the letter that you'll try to keep him away from them so that they aren't "put out" by the way he tries to show the love he has for them, but that's me.) I'm sorry you've been hurt by those people and it is totally NORMAL for you to feel that way. I read the responses and was quite surprised that several people made remarks which didn't empathize with your situation at all--on the contrary, telling you that YOU needed to be accepting of this couple. I believe we're required to forgive everyone, but that doesn't mean we let people continue to bully others, for example. I just want to let you know that there are hypocrites everywhere, and maybe these people just need prodding to think about their behavior (irregardless of how old and crotchety they are and how much they should "know better"). That's why I think you should give them a letter. And I also think you need to not put yourself in an uncomfortable position of initiating a personal conversation about this with these people. And then say a prayer and help direct your son away from them as much as possible, and you've done what you can and "give the rest to God." The couple will have to come to terms with their own feelings (faith) and behavior (works) before God, so focus your prayers and energy on your son's perceptions and your own need to feel forgiveness toward them so that you'll be at peace in your heart. If nothing changes after a few months then I'd mention to your pastor how much it would mean to you to have a sermon on accepting people who are different because aren't we all children of God? or something to that effect. Best wishes. (And I know what it's like when someone is like this at church because I went through a similar experience five years ago.)

In that you are at church trying to get closer to being like Jesus, I was going to try to tell you something to do and say in the lines of what Denise told you to do, so anything I say is just repeating what she suggested. If you decide to tell her how much you appreciate her letting your son shake hands with them, and how much that meant to you and your family, you may want to let her know that your feelings were hurt and you thought it was just a small service you were doing for the Lord by showing your son love and it would mean alot to him and to your family if you continued to do so.
Sorry its true though church people don't seem to realize how they are acting like a Pharisee at times. Oh and by all means pray about it. About going to the preacher I have saw where people to talk to the preacher about things as such and the preacher talk to the other party. Well sometimes it irons things out and sometimes you see people get affended and quit going it depends on the person if they are willing for corrective critisism or not. Pray Pray Pray. God will soften her heart then she will heed what needs to be related to her.

Hi S., I am a 33yr. old mom and my son is 16mo. My son is not special needs but I am a hairdresser and have several as customers. My mother is a special needs attendant on a school bus and she tells me daily how she loves "her kids." I think you should maybe confront them in a calm, not defensive, way. Maybe they do not understand your son and why he has this behavior. Explain to them that he loves to see them and just gets excited. You are right though, he truly is a blessing and usually the most loving children!! Of course praying to the Lord that people will have a little more patience and understanding might not hurt either. Well good luck and God Bless.

I don't even begin to know what kind of advice to give you. There is absolutely no reason you or your son should have to endure this ANYWHERE, much less at church. Part of me is ready to run down and get into a physical confrontation for you and then the Christian part of me knows better and thinks maybe you should sit down with the pastor and ask for some guidance. I think if it came down to it, I would pull one of them aside and tell them how much your son admires them and thinks that the feeling is mutual. I would tell them that because he is autistic, perhaps he seems the good in them that you clearly can't see by the expressions on their faces. Put the ball in their court, let them realize how non-christian they are behaving.

What's wrong with saying to her, "You know, he just loves to see you. And with his disability, he doesn't realize that so much hand shaking is annoying. In his mind, he simply knows that "wow, there they are and I want to say hello". I hope you'll be patient with him and know that he really loves you and your husband very much. And my husband and I really appreciate the kindness you always show to him. God has blessed him by placing special angels in his life, like you and your husband."

What a horrible situation... Have you tried talking to them about your son rather than confronting them? Pray about it and maybe seek some counseling at your church, but I think confronting these people would just cause further tension. I suppose it's possible that they just don't understand your son's disability. Ignorance often causes people to react in negative ways! If you pray about it and still feel that you need to confront them, do so kindly and without accusation. You will be in my prayers!! God bless.

Sorry that they were hurtful to you, people really don't think sometimes. Go and talk to them first. If they were to get offended or something then go to the pastor. But first go to them and let them know that it seems to you that they are bothered by your son's greetings and that it hurt your feelings as he is greeting them out of love and happiness to see them. Give them the chance to apologize. If they don't for some reason, which I highly doubt, then yeah I would talk to the pastor. I think they are probably unaware how insensitive they are being and it might surprise you when you talk to them to find they didn't mean it the way you took it. That has happened to me so many times, on both sides of the coin. But, Biblically speaking, go to them first. These are members of your church family and you can work it out with them. I know how hurtful little comments can be, I have an adult sister who is handicapped and people really don't think sometimes, I know first hand!! I just want to encourage you not to judge them either before you find out what is up, just because they are Christians doesn't mean they have all the kinks worked out of their life, I sure dont!! ;) Have a great day and keep up the great work of being an awesome mom to your son :)

Some people, no matter who they are, have a difficult time dealing with special needs children. If you have never just sat down with them and just shared the personality traits with them - perhaps you should. also let them know how much your son likes them.
I live in the Jersey Village area and have attended Foundry Methodist church for 26 yrs. The current pastor, who has been there for 24 yrs, has an autistic son, whom we all got the pleasure to observe grow up. The pastor and his wife were always very open and sharing about their sons abilities - and the entire congregation and neighborhood, even the kids, accepted him and "took him under their wing". As he grew older and wanted more freedoms, the parents I know were worried, but all the neighbors were used to seeing him around and thus always offered rides to their son or invited him to sit with them at the local high school pep rallies and football games - thus he was allowed to experience a few freedoms of a typical teenager while still being watched over.

I think it is more of a communication issue - so I suggest maybe inviting the couple over your house for lunch one day after church. shre with them your observations about their behavior and give them a chance to see how you interact with your son and also let them get to know him a little better.

good luck!

L.