Seeking Advice About Daytime "Accidents"

Something to consider here is how old was this boy when his parents seperated?? That will have a lot to do with not only his potty issues, but also what you describe as his ADHD symptoms!
If a child is about 18/24 months old or older a divorce/seperation of the parents WILL result in some delayed behaviors. Knowing how to act, what is expected of them, certain emotional issues, ect......

Just think about all of this when you THINK he should be doing something and he's not!

As a stepmother myself I know how it can be... I'm glad to see you're concerned enough to ask us all about it!

It sounds to me that he is doing this for attention either from his father or you. You stated he lives with you only during the summer. At 6 years old he may be uncomfortable with the new surrounding..all the sudden staying at Dad's for 3 months straight. I'm assuming his Dad still goes to work during the summer?? Which may make him feel alone. I noticed in your "about me" you state I have 3 "beautiful" daughters, I am married, and I have a step son who only lives with us for the summer. The statement comes off a little negative. You praise your girls, you say your married and then oh by the way I have a step son who doesnt really live with us. I have 2 step children myself and I know all about the struggles. It's difficult when another child comes into your space and doesnt act the way you want them to. You didnt state whether he has these accidents only at your house or if he does this at his Mothers as well. I think this is key to the problem. If he is only wetting himself during visits to your home that is where the problem lies. Is he made to feel welcome in your home? Does he have clothes and toys that stay there? Does he have his own bedroom? Based on what you said it just seems hes uncomfortable and scared being in the new surrounding.

Hi there, Where I do know how you feel.....
I have a son, he is eight now..up until about 6 months ago he was having accidents, I too took him to the doctors since it was at night as well, they wanted to try pills because I thought it was such a big deal...It really was his bladder was mature enough yet to an extent, The other part was he got so involved with what he was doing that he didnt realize. Ususally when he was watching tv....It was like he was in a zone. My son did grow out of this, and it wasnt something he was doing on purpose. I know it is hard for you, and being the step parent can be hard at times, but you cant let this affect your marriage. Just give the boy some time...I guess what had me concerned the most with my son was that until the day my father died he had bladder problems, esp at night....Ya know also I am not sure if there is any link or not but my son has ADHD and very hyper....not sure how your step son is...maybe try to every so often ask him to go, or at least try for you. I know the other thing for my son was to not make a big deal out of it, he was terrified of the other kids finding out...it seemed once I did stop making such a fuss over it, it went away just about 100 percent..once in a blue moon he has a accident but I just tell him I love him and they happen...Good Luck to you.....

well u may now want to hear this but your husband and his ex are right there is nothing wrong with ur 6 yr old that wont go away on its own. Some times kids grow faster that there bladder does causeing wetting to occur. Many children have this same problem it will go away on its own in its own time and some times it goes on until they are 12 or 13 . Argueing with ur husband isn't gonna help the problem. There is no magic wand to make it go away it just takes time and understanding .

S.,

I read before that bed wetting can be because of emotional problems, I don't know if it is the same for wetting your pants. He may be dealing with problems from the divorce or something else and this is his way of dealing with it. If he has symptoms of ADHD as well, I would have him evaluated by a counselor/psychologist this may all be related. This boy sounds like he needs someone's help and you are great to step up to the plate. It's ashame his father and mother can see this as a sign of a greater problem.

Sorry I took so long to respond. You need to have your step-son evaluated by a urologist. If you live in the Philadelphia/ New Jersey area, he can be evaluated at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia Urology clinic.This is where I work. He will be evaluated and possibly referred to our D.O.V.E. clinic where they can help you with his wetting issues. We have offices in Philly, King of Prussia, Exton, Princeton, Voorhees, and Mays Landing. The number to call for an appointment is ###-###-####. You can also check us out on the web:http://www.chop.edu
Good luck!
A. Z.

Hi S.
I alos have step children, and find it difficult to agree on things with my husband, my children are older and raising them is new to him. But I have been thru the sames ages and sexes as his children are now. He also cannot see anything wrong when they don't behave as they should for their age. I do believe a lot of this is due to compensating for not being as involved their lives as he would like to be. Because they are with for short periods of time he doesn't want to have to correct them for things they do wrong. Don't get me wrong they are good kids as I am sure your step son is.
What I found to make it easier for me to work with them on things that "aren't a problem" for others was to build an alliance with them and a friendship / trust. This has made it a lot easier dealing with my step daughter attitude (been there done that) and my step sons wanting to be just plain lazy about doing things for himself. His major issue is eating with his hands, he is 5 1/2 and can use utensils. This frustrates me (and his father) but because no one else sees it as a problem he will not continue to eat right. His mother doesn't care so it makes it that much harder to teach him right from wrong. I also did the bulk of the potty training, bottle breaking and learning to talk with him. It was just easier for his mother to ignore it and give him what he wanted than to deal with the issue.
So I guess my biggest advice is to build a strong trust alliance with him and make him understand that children his age do not do this and that his schoolmates and other children will make fun of him if he continues. I always try to reason and give examples of how it looks to others. Because I have found that punishing and taking things away does not work it just makes it harder to deal with. Maybe offer him a treat for a dry day and a day out, to an arcade or movie for a dry week.
Does he attend school? Does he stay dry in school?
I will be thinking of you as summer approaches...

I just read your update and I can't believe the doctors say that there is nothing wrong. It really sounds like Autism. I have worked with autistic children as aide in teh elementary schools and these seem like classic sytems. Autistic children seem to be in a world of their own and respond with off the wall answers when asked simple questions. Is this something the doctor has looked into? If not I would question why?
He definitely has some emotional issues, maybe from the move,
things like the incidents with the cat and dog are not something to overlook, he might attempt to hurt his siblings or parents in the future.
As far as you being in divorce court, I would continue to support your husband but also look at options and possibilities of treatment together.I think your husband staying in contact with the teacher is commendable and shows he cares. Also depending on how your summer goes, if Ryen improves in your care I would appeal his custody with proof.
Good Luck

You, your husband, and your soon to be stepson's Mom need to work as a team. Purchase at least one week's work of the least expensive underpants, shorts, and pants for your soon to be stepson. I will refer to him as "Peter" from now on. Do this experiment for one week. Pay absolutely no attention when Peter wets himself. However, if you are planning an outing, be steadfast and refuse to go until Peter changes his pants. Don't make a big deal of it, don't raise your voice, don't get upset. Be the parent. Be calm. Be steady. Put Peter's wet clothes into a plastic garbage bag. Put whatever clothes he wets during that week into that garbage bag. These clothes will probably be tossed because they will mildew but they are your "evidence". When Peter does use the bathroom correctly, then you reward him. You give him a hug, or you read him a book. Or, you get down on the floor with him and play. At the end of the week, when you have private time, talk to your husband and say if Peter was 3 years old, you would not be concerned but because he is six years old, you are concerned. Explain to your fiance that you want Peter evaluated by another pediatrician. Also, ask him to open the plastic garbage bag, put his nose above it, and take a whiff. Explain to your husband, that with school coming up in the Fall, it would be in Peter's interest to have dry pants all day! His social life would be expanded. If Peter's Mom lives near you, you could ask her to lift the bag of soiled clothes at the end of the week. Don't have her smell them. Explain about school coming up and hopefully she will want Peter to be accepted at school.
Also, you are talking about wet pants here. What happens when Peter is a teenager? If your fiance is not "listening" to you now, how will he be listening to you when Peter is driving a car and not coming home until 3 a.m.? Do you have rules for your 16 year old and does she resect them? I know that you are not Peter's mother but he will be a part of your lives for quite a while. I personally would not marry a man who does not listen to me. Good Luck!

It sounds like this little boy is dealing with alot on his sholders. Yeah he probably does have a problem that he can't help, but you nagging at him for it isn't going to fix it. Plus his mommy isn't around during the summer.. no offesne on your part but his dad and you are not his mommy. The poor kid is only 6 years old, He's probably more then embarassed when he realizes he's wet himself. I have a 6 y/o daughter also and i would never place her in a situation that was really uncomfortable for her. Try and understand your not his mother and there fore he may feel a little uneasy about what you try and help with.

I went through that with my daughter. People were really insensitive and she was diagnosed with having a bladder that grew more slowly than the rest of her body. I know how frustrating it can be, we worked through it though she's now 12 and pretty much has outgrown it like the doctors said she would. A little compassion and putting yourself in your stepson's shoes wouldn't hurt.

I had/have the same problem. I have a stepdaughter who is 8...the only difference is that she lives with us full-time and goes to her mom's house mostly on the weekends. She wet herself during the day and night up until about a year ago. She still wets herself at night.

First, I truely understand how frustrating it can be...the wet clothes/sheets, constantly doing laundry, the embarassment of an older child who wets herself in public. I have another daughter who is now 5 and she has not wet herself or the bed since she was 2 years old. My stepdaughter was finally checked out at about age 6 and there is nothing wrong with her. The doctors told us that she has no physical problems and she will grow out of it. Her mother goes to the bathroom frequently, including in the middle of the night. So she just takes her whenever she goes and it doesn't seem to frustrate her as much.

After having horrible arguments (between my husband and I), rewards and punishments, etc...I just came to the conclusion that this is just how she is going to be. It could be worse...she could have worse problems, medical issues, etc. Now she has gotten better during the day, but I still ask her to go to the bathroom often. We use Goodnights at night. I now have a newborn, so I will take my daughter to the bathroom when I am up at night with the baby. I have learned not to make a big deal about it and it seems to slowly be getting better.

Also, please realize that this is more common than you think. I didn't know either, since none of the children in my immediate family had this problem. I have talked to so many moms who have gone through the same thing. Even moms that I have known for years and never knew their child had a problem. It's just not something that everyone advertises about their child.

Hang in there. He'll outgrow it.