Seeking Advice...

I would get a babysitter and set a date and time to speak to my husband and calmly tell him how you really feel in the most civil way possible and you may want to ask him if he's cheating on you.

Dear S.
Sorry about your problem. All I can tell you is that, this is his problem and not yours. If he has insecurity issues there is not really anything extra you can do to prove to him you are not doing anything behind his back.
The only other thing I can tell you although I may be wrong because I do not know your relationship is that perhaps he is the one doing the cheating and to not be detected he is blaming you of being distant or perhaps that you have changed. As far as your son goes, as long as you give him love and attention then I would not worry about it. I am a single mother of twin girls who are four; I never married their father because he started liking other womens attention to much and he wanted someone to support him. and although my daughters see him every once in a while they prefer to be with me at the end of the day because they have seen what life would be like around him.
Well I hope that this helps you and that I am wrong about the cheating

It sounds like he is a very unsecure man. Usually its the one who is accusing that is guilty. But there could be a number of reasons why your husband is acting in that manner. Marriage counciling.

I would suggest marrital counceling. Obviously he is very insecure and that is steming from a past issue OR from a fear of what he has seen happen to couples he knew.

I would tell your son and reassure him everyday tha tyou love him and his father. Also.....if i can suggest. buy the book the five love languages and learn your husbands love language. If his language is gifts hten everyonce in a while give him a gift..or if it is quality time suprise him with a nice picnic in the park or something....
I am not bashing you but perhaps his emotional or physical needs are not being completely met and this is how he displays it. I would not jump to conclusions that he is cheating without reason...i wish you the best.

I want to encourage you to continue to do all you can to help him feel secure and get over this issue because Divorce should never be an option when family is SO worth fighting for.

I would sit your son down and tell him that you do love his father and you have never done anything that he is accusing you of. I would then talk to your husband and see what the deal is. He must feel guilty of something if he is accusing of cheating so he won't feel so bad for what he has done or thought about doing. If ya'll don't get this worked out then most likely ya'lls marriage will not last. A marriage is based on trust and if he doesn't trust you then he needs help to get past it. Try to find a counselor to talk to.

S., all I say is if a person acuses the other partner of cheating most likely they are the one thats doing the cheating..I know, I have been married over 20 yrs. been there done that, Seek some help and sit down and talk to your son, let him know that you still his daddy.

V.

Best case is that your husband probably feels a little left out and or neglected. Worst case is that there is a deeper issue that he is trying to hide that you might want to sit down and have a serious talk about. But I would highly suggest not pushing the issue. I would first ask him if he wants to spend a little alone time away from the kids and everyone else. It should give him time to relax and speak his mind but remember not to push the issue he will speak his mind just let him talk and enjoy time with you.

p.s. the best thing that a man can receive from a woman is her support.

First of all, this is just my experience... I have no clue about your husband..that said:

I had a boyfriend long ago that did the very same thing (we didn't have any kids, however) Come to find out... HE was the one cheating. He would even try to convince me that someone else put the "love bites" on me, that HE left!

For some cheaters, it makes them feel better to believe the other person is cheating to alleviate their guilt.

As far as your child goes, I would be livid and leave,but that is irrational..but probably what I would do. I think at 8, he is old enough for you guys to have a 'date' and talk about it. Explain that you don't understand why daddy is saying those things. Tell him how much you love him and love daddy (if you do- I am guessing you must if you are still there).

I would probably get a sitter and let hubby know he and I need to hash this out. Counseling would be a good thing. If hubby doesn't want to go, you and your son can. This may help your son see who is willing to work things out and who isn't. At least your son can have a 3rd party to talk to and not be in the middle of all that...

Good luck to you ...

I seen someone else recommended the book the Five Love Langauges. This book is really a life saver. My husband and I were going through some issues and it was recommended to us from someone at church. This book really helped us understand each other and to this day still sits as a reminder on our bed side table. You can by this book at any christian book store and I think it is around ten dollars. Get it and both of you read it not just you.

I have not been in your situation.

But I have watched my neighbors go through similar things. All I can say is what I know from them and my own common sense.

If he is accusing that much, I would suspect ....

1. He is cheating

2. He is a control freak (I have had ex with those and they often go hand in hand with #3)

3. He is a manipulator--I have vast experience with those and I always try to run away if I can. But when I was backed to a wall, I let them know I would not be manipulated. I just refused to enter a debate, fight, or respond to their actions and words. Sometimes that meant me not seeing them for a few days or not letting them be involved in my activities.

The child is where he is obviously welding this tool. I would try to remove the child from the situation if possible because this can really mess the kids up.

4. He is suffering from fears from a bad experience

5. He wants out but rather than tell you, he is just slowly pushing you away- he may not even realize what he is doing or how bad he sounds

6. He needs counseling because he deeply loves you but is immature emotionally and really has no clue how to relate to people in a healthy way -also exhibited in the manipulation.

7. If 5 or 6 or true, he may have been lied to and manipulated in the past and learned how to play that game very well. Now he is trying to play it with you. For him it is a game and the way relationships are handled because he knows no other way.

If the last few are true, I would get into family counseling pronto or just leave. I know you are in the business with him, you love him, etc. But you can't risk your child's life being totally messed up by this guy if he does have these issues. Your child was there before he was and therefore your first committment. You did say the child was 8 but you have only been married 5 years?

fwiw My people that are control freaks/manipulators - I cannot walk away from totally because I am their caregiver at times. So I know how that goes too. But I do let them know I can do my business and then walk out. I don't need to stand around and be insulted or manipulated into saying or doing things. Nor do I expose my children to it. When they have to be around it, I let them know that it is not a healthy relationship tool being used.

Good luck,

I had the same problem with my ex-fiancee. He was a pilot, I was a flight attendant. He had been married for 23 years, and had cheated on his wife for about 21 of those years. We were together for 5 years, and he was very jeaulous. Remind your husband that the one who doesn't trust, is usually the one who does the cheating. I never cheated on my fiancee, although in the end I told him I sometimes wished I had, since I was being accused of it anyway. Let him know that by accusing you, he is actually pushing you away. If you do any kind of flirting of course, than stop it, you have no business doing that when you are married, especcially to a jeaulous man like your husband.
Lastly, people should NEVER involve their children in picking sides, it will end up hurting the child, for he will feel he has to pick a side, and usually in the end the child will either pick the side against the one starting it (your husband) or he will distance himself from both parents. This is an adult issue, and a child has no business in even knowing something like this is going on. He should be alowed to be an 8 year old boy without adult issues on his mind.
Hope this helps.
Good luck, and don't flirt :>):>)

Hi S.,
Your only soulution is to go to counseling. There are many churches that offer free counseling. In tyler there is a group called Grace Works. It only cost $25 dollars. There are so many different possabilities as to why he is creating this story and falsly accusing you. No matter what advice you get, the only way to permently resolve this is to get proffessional help from a counselor. I hope you can find some help. Keep your chin up. I pray that God would heal your hurting heart and your marriage. May His loving arms wrap around your son and protect him from the deceit and the lies that surround him.

Well S. O,
Been there done that. I feel for you. Its one or two things. He is cheating so he's being manipulator or he is just a very insecure with deep hurts from his past especially since he's so selfish he has to bring his child into it. My ex who always accused me had both he was cheating and also a very insecure person, most cheaters are they are so shallow thats how they measure if they still got it or not and many other reasons. Anyway if he wont go to counceling and get help for this issue your having. Its time to move on. God doesnt want you to be a door mat, he wants you to be happy and spread his love and you cant do that in those situations. Most important your son needs you to be in an enviroment that enables you to be there for him. You can't raise a secure son in that kind of hostility. Trust me I wish I would have left alot longer ago then I did. I was always trying to fix me. All I needed was a new scenery.

Insecurities that type can be very damaging and destructive, and now it is starting to hurt your child, something that will mark him and will lead him in the same way in the future.

You, all the three of you need help from professionals to help each one understand their role in the situation, if you don't look for real professional help you will create a disfunctional family with emotional wounds and lets hope that it stays at that, not also physical wounds. But emotional wounds are already extremely important and for your child what he is living with you is his base for his future life and his relationships in all senses.

Your husband is the insecure in here, but you have been living with him and allowing him to treat you like that for several years and now both of you are transfering a legacy of lack of trust, summission, guilt and I do not know what else to your son, and that last part is the less fair of all.

Hope you get the help you really need.

In my life I learned that this is because he himself is doing it...and hates the fact that you might be doing it to, because he is very sneeky and you must be very sneeky too...I too felt that he didn't trust me, what was I doing wrong, but its his self-conscience that won't let him be...Or it could be that he just doesn't know how to trust, period. Sometimes men have those issues...Good Luck...oh and he shouldn't be getting your 8 year old involved, he is too young to understand that mom and dad don't love eachother anymore...

hope this helps
M.

Your husband's fears are either insecurities or a guilty conscience. Either way one of the best things to do is to find little things to surprise him that show him that you really love him. If he is insecure, finding ways to let him know that you love him will build his security in your relationship. Also, if you have lived in Houston or Cypress for a long time then his insecurities may not be that you are sleeping with someone else now, maybe just that you had at some point before he came along. It may not be a trust issue, just a jealousy issue (nobody wants to be confronted with their spouses exes, believe me been there), your husband may not want to see you with someone that he thinks may have been your "partner" at one time. If it is a guilty conscience then pampering him with all of your love may corner him and force him to admit to what he may have done wrong. In my opinion your first step should be sitting down with your husband and talking to him straight out. Confront the issue, because you don't want to hear about it anymore. Ask him what would make him feel more secure and trusting.

I say actions speak louder than words. Kids hear what you say, but they closely watch what you do. Use every action to show your son that your love for your husband is strong and true. Every marriage has its weaknessess, but you need to tell your husband to quit looking for failure and start believing in the success. Some people would rather watch the storm clouds (and prepare for them like they are coming) then enjoy the sun that is surrounding them. I wish you the best, and want you to know that offering your husband understanding and assuring him your love is unconditional will be the most helpful thing at dissolving any "storm clouds" he "sees" in the distance...

I wish you both many more days of sunshine

~M.

I honestly feel for you because I have been in a very similar situation. My husband was always accusing me of cheating, would check the phone to see who I had been talking to, called me if I were even 2 minutes later getting home from work than what he thought I should be. I began to resent him for it and it caused quite a strain on our marriage. Luckily my daughter was too young to know what was going on at the time.

My husband was not cheating on me, nor was I cheating on him. And since I was not used to being kept under constant surveillance and having those kinds of accusations made, I would intentionally do things to "trip him up". I did end up getting to the point where all I could think of was leaving and went as far as to hire a divorce lawyer. We did end up going to counselling, and through that, I learned that he was very insecure over things that happened in his past. He was still not quite over the fact that his ex-fiance left him for an old boyfriend. And the fact that I left an abusive fiance (he assumed for him) didn't help ease his mind. He was kind of, in his own mind, expecting it to happen again. It was not an easy road, but it was one that has led us to a much happier and healthier relationship than we could have ever dreamed.

My two-cents is to tell you that first off, your son doesn't need to be drug into the middle of what is going on. He will be able to sense enough tension without actually hearing about it directly. You can continue to assure him that you still love your husband, but don't go into any more detail than that.

Second off, I would definitely find a babysitter for your son and confront your husband about the things he is saying to your son. That is just plain wrong! Perhaps suggest going to counselling. (Many insurances will pay for it too!) It is much easier to talk to each other when a professional is there keeping you civil and on topic. Our consellor had us read two books: His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley and Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. They really opened our eyes to the way we were treating each other and how to fix it. We were given assignments to help build our relationship. There were many tears involved and as I said before, it was a very long and difficult road. But it was worth it!

Big hugs to you and good luck!

Usually if you have not given him a reason to think that its because he is cheating and guilty. Its not health in my opinion for him to tell your son about things thats going on in your relationship. Sounds like he is cheating. So now that he has told your son that, you are going to have to sit and talk to your son and let him know that you love him and his father and even give him examples why so that he can have a visual of what you are tring to tell him.

My advice to you is, one, make sure you tell your son & husband that you love them very much EVERYDAY. Secondly, try talking to your husband, sincerely, and ask why he feels the way he do. If you can get to the root of the problem, then thats your starting point to fix it. You can try "spicing" things up a bit by doing something really sexy, or plainly out of the ordinary for him. If he is cheating (which he may NOT be) then you shouldn't have to compete with anyone for YOUR HUSBAND's attention or affection, BUT, there are women out there who only wants married men, so there's no strings attached. In saying that, its okay to be a "hot mama & wife" Its okay to act like "rabbits" every now and then. :) Couple of things to try:

Dinner & A movie, then sex
Erotic Massage, then sex
Both of you call in to work, have breakfast in bed (cook it naked), feed it to him, THEN MORE SEX! :)
Cuddle at home, watching a movie
Write him a sexy love letter telling him how much he means to you

Sometimes, when you have been with a person a while, you began to get comfortable, and forgat all the things you used to do to get them. Try not to do that. Remember that marriage is a life long journey together. Make sure you keep the trip exciting, and if all that doesn't work, then, try marriage counceling. But DO NOT GIVE UP. IT WILL WORK, k?

I would NOT allow him telling your son such things. He can be an insecure man all he wants, but you don't get your kids involved in adult issues. You need to handle that with your husband first and foremost. He is so insecure that he is trying to turn your son against you too. That is totally unacceptable.

I just don't understand this situation. If thinks you are cheating on him all the time, why is he with you? Who wants to be with someone they don't trust? Is he just trying to keep you at home? Could he be the one cheating and just turning it on you? If not, have you done *anything* to make him feel insecure or jealous? When you hang out with your high school friends, are their exboyfriends involved? Do you include him in these activities? All of these need to be addressed.

It sounds like y'all aren't able to handle this issue on your own. In fact, it's escalating b/c he's gotten your child involved. So, IMO, you definitely need to talk to a professional.