Seeking Advice - Levittown,PA

You should read the book The Trouble with Boys by Peg Tyre. It's basically about the unrealistic expectations of schools to have little boys sit for too long. It doesn't sound like he's being bad, just being a boy.

another thing to look into is boredom... My first grader who used to love school started coming home angry because he was bored and the teacher wasn't willing to give him challenging stuff until we really pushed her... have a conference with her and see how he is performing at school (although sometimes when kids are bored they do worse in school) and yes, talk to him and see if boredom could be a factor. it may not be, but it's certainly something to consider.

Hi Mom,

If your son has a problem listening, then he needs to be listened to.

Stop talking and listen to your son.

Ask him what he needs in kindergarten.
Ask him what is causing him to goof off with the other students.

Ask him what is causing him not to listen to the teacher.

Ask him how he feels about sitting outside of group by himself.

Get an appointment book from your local health and beauty aid place with two columns.

One for you and one for your son.

Give back his play time with his friends and outside play. The TV can be off limits because it is not helpful for children to watch whats on it.

Schedule time for your son to do things with you, like cooking cleaning and whatever you do.

Schedule time each day to listen to him and share your experiences.

Here is a format when he does good as well as inappropriate behaviors.

"When you do__________________(describe either good or inappropriate behaviors)

I feel______________(describe your feelings-happy, sad, disappointed, joyful- when the teacher tells me.........)

In the future_____________(tell him what you expect from him and what the consequence will be)

Ask him what would be an appropriate consequence for his behaviors. Ask him what he needs to do as an accountability if he does the behavior again.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

The first thing that came to mind when I read your post was, 'What happened in December to cause this behavior all of a sudden in january?" Other things to investigate:
Is he gifted and bored?
Are the friends around him not the ones who he can learn around?
Did something happen at school with his teacher?
Is he trying to get attention? Why?

I hope that this is helpful.
B. Davis
Child And Family Coaching
(p) ###-###-####
(f ) ###-###-####
www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com

Because nothing is more important than family

This is totally normal, and no matter what the reason is, boredom, the school style not being a perfect custom fit for his individual personality, whatever, he needs to learn to behave in school-which you already know-good job! Lots of kids are like this. I know I was.

If he behaves at home, and he fully understands what you are saying, and you're enforcing the rules when he gets there, he's obviously discovered no one can stop him at school. The teacher has been honest in expressing what is happening and she doesn't like it, and her penalties so far haven't worked. Here's what I would do:
Boys will be boys, so step up his exercise and healthy diet needs, of course, nix the junk food and sugar. Let him blow off plenty of manly steam after school, running around, smashing stuff, etc...and make sure he gets all his sleep. That all goes without saying.

1) Meet with the teacher and let her know you want to work with her to make your son respect school. Give her the green light to continue the time outs, separate him from sitting by his friends, remove recess, whatever. She should use a respectful tone while explaining to him he is not respecting her or the class, and then enforcing a consequence. She should do it immediately and calmly every time. Also let him know that when you hear he has not behaved in school, he will receive a consequence at home, and follow through.

But never take away time playing outside or being physical! School hours are too long. Make sure he blows off lots of steam, even if he doesn't get to see friends. In winter, he may need some mandatory stair climbing or bed jumping...Find a different simple consequence he really hates and make sure it always happens when he doesn't behave in school. Keep the begging to a minimum-just implement his consequence consistently. He simply hasn't learned yet that you and the teacher are serious. He will.

My parents and teachers had to crack down on me for a few grades, and then I finally learned to pull shenanigans outside of class time. I was sick of losing privileges and being in trouble when I got home. Staying home from the zoo was the last straw.

Never make false threats!

2) While his discipline is being increased, also increase his praise for all the times he's good. Keep him active and feeling like a big boy you're proud of. Find ways to praise him and reward him with fun when it's NOT RELATED to the discipline times. No matter what kind of week he had, do something fun on the weekend just because he's so great. But don't remove the negative consequences right after school, keep your cool, and keep it short so it doesn't take all night.

And DON'T bribe him to be good with rewards directly regarding behavior at school. This teaches him you have to give him something if you want him to follow basic rules. Just praise him other times for being him, and praise him whenever he is good at school.

Good luck!

sounds like my son. His teacher has been great about dropping us a daily email to tell us if he stayed in his seat and raised his had to talk. If we get a good report, he can watch TV, play on the computer, etc. If we get a bad report, he loses it all until we get a good one. I will tell you he's still not always good, but I'm seeing improvement. It's very frustrating. Keep the rewards/punishments based on behavior that day, if possible. My son will say he really wants a reward based on good behavior for a week/month/grading period, but in reality, he forgets about the long term reward/punishment until the day we tell him he didn't get it. Good luck!

You got some excellent advice from the other moms...just want to add a possible reason for the goofing off. If he is in a half day program chances are that it is a strictly "academic" program. My older son hated Kindergarten last year. I think they only went out on the playground maybe twice the whole year. Time was spent learning mostly how to read and write. There was no chance for any play or socialization at all-the kids came out barely knowing eachother! I really believe that this age group needs a chance to play a little and blow off some steam...even if the program is only 2 1/2 hours. My son now loves first grade. There is so much more going on and a whole hour for lunch and recess. The teachers are mor relaxed also-they have a whole day to teach what they need to.

Some wonderful advice here!
How about this: go on Amazon.com and buy two books by Adele Faber: "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and "How to Talk So Kids Can Learn-At Home and in School" these are FANTASTIC books. Anyone who has read them n my recommendation has written me to tell me how they've changed their life!!
I suggest giving the book to the teacher and say something like," I just one of the author's books and it was terrific and they make one for teachers so I picked you up a copy"...she won't be offended..she will be grateful, I'm sure..
oh,you could also do www.paperbackswap.com and get the books for free!
:)

p.s the author's website:
http://www.fabermazlish.com/

Would it be possible for you to come in and observe his behavior in the classroom a time to two? Maybe work out with the teacher/principal to "drop in" at un-announced (to your son) times to see what is going on? It frankly sounds like typical 5 yo boy behavior to me, but I don't want to sound like one of those parents who doesn't believe teachers when they say there are problems.

Not sure how that works with your schedule, but if the teacher or principal is resistant to you coming into the school or class room, that would concern me greatly.

I agree with Tara H. I am a high school teacher with a 5 year old and to me this seems like a teacher control issue.

If your son is a good listener at home he should be a good listener at school. If your son has issues with listening at home that's where you come in and teach him how to respect and listen to all adults in authority. Share the techniques you use at home to get him settled down with his teacher so he can have consistency.

Your punishments and threats seem a little harsh for a 5 year old and if you can't follow through (like not promote him to first grade) his is eventually going to learn that you don't mean what you say. Time outs still work for my 5 year old and that way I can correct him right away and he knows what he's done wrong.

Teachers appreciate when parents approach them in a spirit of cooperation. If you can say that you would like to work together with the teacher to fix the issue maybe both of your heads can come up with something.

Good luck!

Have you looked into different learning styles? The one he's in now may not be his style. How does he do with hands-on activity?

Secondly, he may have ADD or ADHD, there's a difference. It may be hard to detect at such an early age, but the symptoms sound alike. If you are open to it you may look into medications for him for ADD, etc.(we reluctantly did, and it helped our son focus, but it took trying out several different kinds and doses.) You'd probably have to look a little harder to find a psychiatrist or nurse practitioner who deals with kids though. Until you get to decide about meds. etc. try the different learning styles. Have his teacher work with you about that.

OR, maybe as a last resort, it may be a food/chemical allergy, but maybe not.

I would look into learning styles first and with a child psychiatrist for meds.

BOTTOM LINE HERE: YOU MIGHT READ UP ON ADHD, ETC. THERE ARE BOOKS OUT THERE THAT WILL EXPLAIN A LOT AND HELP TOO.

BUT DO SOME INVESTIGATING, AND DON'T DO ANYTHNG HASTY.

hello...it sounds like you are doing as much as you can to reinforce the situation at home. Maybe his teacher needs to come up with a more specific behavior plan for him at school, some specific plan with rewards and consequences, since that is where the problem is happening. Its awesome to reinforce at home, but since the problem is happening at school, I think the teacher needs to be doing something differently with him.

Good Luck!

Hi there,

Your story sounds just like mine. My son was just the same way. I entertained all sorts of diagnoses from ADHD to Asperger's. Then I found out most boys are the same way. Remember, in January they're indoors all the time and having to sit still for hours listening and working. It's dark and dreary, and they don't get much fresh air or nature.

I would suggest give him MORE outside time, and more time with friends. Reassure him that he's a good kid. (I always emphasize that my son is a good kid, it is his behavior I want to change, not him; he just needs to make better choices) I worked out a reward system with my son that each day he had good behavior he gets a reward like a tv show or 10 minutes of my undivided attention doing whatever he wants. If you find the right reward it's like a game to them.

good luck!

I know that my normally very well boy at school starts getting in more trouble after the 1st of the year too. He is bored. He is getting restless and tired of school. He got in quite a bit of trouble last year and it starting again this year. Spring is coming, they know the kids better, the routine is getting monotonous. I don't know if that is the problem with your child, but I just thought I would share what happens with mine.

Your son sounds a little like mine. He is not a 'bad' kid, he is just very active and likes to be silly. Sometimes in Kindergarten, this comes out as talking at inappropriate times or making funny noises. Sometimes, his attention wanders and he doesn't listen to what the teacher is teaching. His teacher and I have worked together to implement a positive reward system. He sets a 'reward' for the week of a play date or trip to McDonald's or something like that. Every day he doesn't get a time-out at school he gets 2 points. If he gets all his points for the week, he gets his reward. Since January when we started this, he has only gotten 2 time-outs. Have you talked to your son's teacher? Maybe you could suggest something like this? It needs to be a team effort between you and the school. Best of luck!

I am the mother of 3 and a former teacher (am still involved in education). My oldest son also is in Kindergarten this year, and I talk the his friends' parents often. Your son sounds VERY normal for a 5 or 6 year old boy. It is so difficult for kids, especially boys to sit still and listen all the time. This is the time of year, too, that they are comfortable in the classroom, with their teacher, and with their peers, which makes it easier to goof around. I would suggest maybe some positive reenforcement--rather than taking him out of the group rewarding for even the brief moments he is listening. He sounds like someone who would thrive will some "jobs" too. It will make him feel successful. School jobs or chores at this age can make them feel important. Hope this helps at all. Most of all remember, he sounds like a very typical kindergarten boy!!

I agree with the other post, he is bored. When they are smart and not stimulated enough, they naturally goof off. I have noticed this with my kids. The schools are not good with finding things for them to do...i think they better handle "average" kids.

I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm totally not saying your child has ADHD, but this is my experience. Maybe it might help you down the road. When my 12 year old was in preschool thru 2nd grade, the reports I got from school made me feel like a terrible mom. They would tell me he was imature, lack of disipline at home and I felt like he was the biggest pain in the butt at school. At home he was always a very busy little guy. He was never bad, just way too busy, like he couldn't help himself. He never stayed focused on anything for long, he kept moving from one thing to the next. I kept asking if anyone thought he could have ADHD. They would all say no. It wasn't until the middle 2nd grade that his teacher finally said she thought it was possible. So after Dr visits and an evaluation from a neurologist they diagnosed him with ADAD. It was the hardest decision of my life to put him on meds, but he is in 6th grade now (at a different school) and gets raving behavioral reviews and really good grades. He is a wonderful loving commpassionate child who now can complete his work and is NEVER a discipline problem in school or at home. He has a wonderful personality that everyone loves. As difficult as it was to finally try meds, I can't deny that it made a world of difference for us. We do try every year to take him off of it during the school year just to see if he needs it still and so far he does. We don't give it to him on the weekends or during the summer because he doesn't need to focus on school work then. This works out great for us. Good Luck!! Also there is a bookcalled The Strong Willed Child, by Dr James Dobson that is wonderful.

I'm sorry, I know this is difficult since you can't sit with him in his classroom and redirect his behavior. Honestly, the teacher and her assistants should be the ones responsible for his behavior in the classroom. You are doing all you can at home to talk to him and tell him what behaviors are appropriate and which are not. Now that he is in school though, they should be handling his behavior there. That is our responsiblities as teachers (I am one myself - this age group as well, however spec. ed.). I honestly don't agree with him being taken away from the group and set out in another place where he is not participating at all. I think if he is having difficulty they may need to have him sitting right next to teacher and gradually be able to move his way back to sitting next to his friends.