Seeking Advice... - Callery,PA

Help your daughter find her own place. If you can afford to help her, put down the deposit and pay the 1st months rent or more, whatever you can afford. Tell her to get a roommate. Roommates are easy to find especially if she has several friends. don't worry about when the baby comes just yet, she needs a job for income AND for insurance. Get her on state insurance if she can get it just till the baby is born. once baby is born she can get child support to help her. Get her a cheap rental house or 1 bdrm studio if she does not think she can find a roommate. Studio apts and houses are usually cheaper than an apt complex. There are also apts that are based on income, just find a safe one. Do not move her in with you if you do not have space or think it might ruin your relationship. Of course, don't choose boyfriend over daughter, help your daughter to take care of herself. She got pregnant irresponsibly and she needs to now be responsible. don't let her get used to you helping her or saving her, it is time she takes care of herself AND this new baby. If you had this apt on your own, maybe now that you have help with the rent from your boyfriend, you can afford to help her out a bit to get her started on her own. That way she won't be scared either. don't just give her money every month, she will take advantage or get used to it. Tell her you will pay the 1st 1-3 months in advance and when that is up, that is it. She MUST find a job. Also, you have to know that most likely this boyfriend will come back and then either he lives off of her free rent or she leaves the apt to get back with him and your money is wasted.....

Think with your head, not your heart...

What has your daughters planned? Does she have an attorney so she can get child support?
What are all of her options?
Where is your daughter father? Could he also pitch in?

Really your daughter should be approaching you with HER own plan and asking IF you could assist her plan.

She needs to solve this problem so she can have ownership of it. If your daughter asks to live with you, then you and your boyfriend (if he is making payments towards your living situation) should decide what will work for both of you.

I am sending you strength and clarity.

First of all see if your daughter can be covered on WIC and/or Medical Assistance... That will help her A LOT. I would suggest finding a place that's big enough for the 3 of you (Soon to be 4 of you). If it does something to your relationship then that guy isn't meant for you anyway. Your sole mate will stick with you in the tough times. What about your daughter's father? Is his place big enough for her to go live with him? Is that even an option to think about?

I can not even begin to say that I understand your situation, so I am just speaking off the cuff here...

First of all, for your last statement about this "doing something" to your new relationship... your daughter is more important than any man, so that is the first thing to think of. Secondly, you didn't say how long ago this man has moved in with you. Where did he live before? Is there a chance he can move out for a while and get HIS own place? Also, reagrding what it might do to your relationship, a guy who has a problem with your love and nurturing of your children isn't worth being with.

Do you have another relative anywhere that your daughter can move in with?

Make sure you do everything in your power to get the father of the baby to pay child support

My daughter went through a separation when her 2nd child was 2 weeks old. Her first is 2. She moved in with us. It was quite an adjustment for us all. We still have young ones at home ourselves. She got on her feet and moved out. I lasted about 6 months. It was added stress but the added love surpassed it all. We are very close and I could never put one my children out. My children are my heart. If you are afraid of the difficulties it might bring ask yourself this question. Does anything worth having come easy? It is not going to be easy but you can make it rich. Just think when you are old she will take you in too. Love is much stronger than the doubts you have. The poor girl needs you more now than she ever will again. Hopefully your BF will respect you for being a loving mom. I hope this helps. Congrats on becoming a Grandmother.

Some YWCA programs and locations, have shelters for women. I don't know if they accept a child.

Here is a link:
http://www.ywca.org/site/pp.asp?c=djISI6PIKpG&b=297095

How old is your daughter????

You need to help her... does she work? Can she afford child care? Is she old enough to be responsible for a baby? AND prenatal care etc.? Is she just a kid herself?

Or yes, look for a place for all of you...
I personally, could not turn away my own daughter, if she was in the same situation as your daughter. I would put my daughter first... and if my "new" Boyfriend could not understand that or the priorities of a "parent"... then I would really really really..... re-evaluate the guy.

***ADDING THIS: I might also add that she needs to decide, that once the baby is born, IF she is going to give the baby her last name, or his. AND, if she declares a "Father" at the hospital birth cert. BECAUSE, this will impact... all future issues/problems/complications regarding child custody and support... and IF the "Dad" can take the child and/or demand rights to the child etc. At least this is from what I was told by a friend.... (who had kids and the guy left them),.

Your Daughter, has a LOT to figure out... and plan.... ahead of time. AND, if the "Dad" of the baby... will be in the picture or not etc. And the legalities of it.

all the best,
Susan

I would definatly ask your boyfriend what he feels about the situation.

And, please don't take this the wrong way. But maybe your daughter should consider adoption. If she is in such a desperate financial situation now, it won't get better with a baby. And she will be forever attached to the father, and so will the child. I don't know what kid of role model he would be. It is just a suggestion thinking about what might be best for the baby.

I think it depends on the age of your daughter & her financial situation. Can you lend her some money to get her own apt? Is your boyfriend willing to have her move in with you two, even if you have to get a bigger apt? I don't know your situation, but the issue with her moving back in with you is that you may end up taking more care of the baby than she does (again, depends on her age, maturity level & overall situation). Can she work 2 jobs (if she's in the early stages of pregnancy)? Sounds like her boyfriend is out of the picture completely. I wish you luck...it's a tough situation. I think you need to do what your heart says, and if your boyfriend loves you, he will go along with your desire. Good luck!

How old is your daughter? Is she working? What does your SO think? Does he have any kids? Do you and your SO share bills 50/50?

My husband and I have had this discussion in regards to siblings and in-laws. We have a standing "rule" that anyone can come live with us for 3 months, but after that - we need to have a long talk open and honest about how it's affecting us. I think it's time to have the same talk with your partner and see how he feels.

Personally, I would look for a townhouse with a basement that you could set up as her space. Something where the master bedroom is upstairs, the living room is downstairs, and then the basement is finished. The other advantage of this -- you're less likely to be woken up by the crying baby at night. You could at least look... and see how much of a price difference it would make.

If you and your SO share bills 50/50 you could offer to pay the price difference from where you currently live. So if you pay $800 now and the new place will be $1000 -- He continues to pay $400 and you pay $600. If your daughter is working, you could talk to her about contributing that $200.

If all else fails.. is there anyone else your daughter could live with? Grandparents? A friend? Perhaps you could help her financially - offer to pay her rent for her if she finds a roommate?

Good luck, hope it helps!

I have no idea how old your daughter is or what her financial situation is. But I think it is a no brainer here. You always choose your children over a man. I am not trying to be harsh here. But if your daughter needs you, then you should be there. I would 100% help my daughter out if she were in this situation. I would find a bigger place. Atleast 2 bedroom, her and baby can share.

Is there a reason you are hesitant on taking her in? I can see if she had burned her bridges, drugs, etc. But I would let her stay as long as needed until she could get on her feet. There would only be a problem if she was not trying to save up or work hard. I was a young mother and had to move back home for a little. It only ended up being for a few months. That's what being a mother is. Your still a mother even after they turn 18.

If your man is as good as you said, then he would understand and completely back you up. There may be ups and downs but that is part of life and parenting. I hope I didn't come across to harsh. I really hate when people are so nasty on here. I just have very strong feelings when it comes to putting your children first.

Good Luck!!!

Kristen,
the first thing I would do is talk to your boyfriend and see what he thinks. If he is willing to move and get a bigger place for all of you, then you would just need to talk to your daughter and set rules in the house. She would need to be willing to help you out as you need and follow the rules. Yes, I know she is all grown now, but your house and life are a little different now than when she was a child; so she will need to adjust to it. If he says no, then I guess you might want to find a place for your daughter and you. This is your daughter and she needs you.
I'm also thinking this would be a temporary thing, as she has the baby and can possibly find a place of her own later on. Please help your daughter fill out the paper work for child support! She needs to do that for her baby, and many times the mothers don't want to do it stating "they don't need nothing from that man", but the money is not for them, but for the child and that man is oblige to support the child.
Wish you the best.

Hi, K.:

Whose decision was it for your daughter to break up with her boyfriend?
Did she know the consequences of her decision?
Does she have to accept the consequences of her decision?
Is that your responsibility?
Why is your partner helping pay your children's expenses when they are adult?

Can your daughter get a room instead of an apartment?
What kind of public assistance is she on or expect to be on?

Just want to know?
Good luck.
D.

Sounds like you got very lucky with the new relationship. If he is so understanding already I'm sure he will be understanding the need to help your daughter. Your first responsibility is to your child even when they are grown. Just be careful not to let your daughter stay on and on....help her out set a date for her to be ready to take care of herself!

Hi K.,

I recommend that you all tough it for a while together in your small place,
placing emphasis on your daughter to still do something wonderful for
herself...finding a job to save up or attending school to get a job, then moving to her own place becoming responsible and independent. Also, your boyfriend sounds wonderful and I think he will be accepting of the temporary turn of events.

Best,

M.

Speak with your friend and ask him what he thinks. Let him hear you out and let him know that you just can't stand leaving your daughter out in the cold. He sounds like a reasonable man. If your apt. is small though it will be time to move somewhere larger as both of you need your space as well. This is where interference comes in. You have been together for 3yrs. with nobody living with you and now.... so yes you really have to have space. Maybe even a small house with a basement done up. If not and your together at all times it will end up that you will be more than grandma and it will get in the way of your relationship that sounds so wonderful. Even help pay for a small place for her and the new addition. That way your not there 100percent. Its nice to be grandma/nannny but not all the time. I have been there with my daughter and my husband and I after 9mos. had to get her moved into her own place. It turned out that I wasn't only grandma but mom to and it was wearing me down. I husband loves his daughter but he could see the wear on me and how tired I was. I was schoolbus driving, taking him with me, had him all day and then bussing again w him in the aft. I was tuckered right out. He was a go getter. I hope I have given you something to think about. Pls. talk it over with your new friend and see how he feels, her moving in or helping her out in her own apt.? Best of luck!!