Screaming 19 Mo old.....HELP!!

My mother in law used to put the child in a bedroom and tape the tantrum. Then, when he was done, she would play back the tape and make them listen to it.

An idea?

I had the same problem when my daughter was 2 yrs old,(she is now 14)so not knowing what else to do I pulled out my video camera and video tape her tantrum. Then I played it for her so she could see what she looked and acted like, she was shocked. But it worked and she stopped throwing tantrums and to this day if she starts to through a fit, I tell her I going to pull out the video camera and she stops.

Hi T.,

I understand your frustration. I have 23 month old twins and they started throwing tantrums at around 16 mos. I agree that there are many different factors that come into play as to their moods. I keep my girls on a schedule so based on what time of day it is I can usually know why they are getting cranky. If they are hungry, tired, etc. If the tantrum is a result of not getting their way I ignore them and that usually works. But sometimes it doesnt and then they end up in time out. They also follow me around the house grabbing my legs. When they do that it usually means they need something. So as calmly as I can I get down to their eye level and make them look at my face, then I help them wipe their tears and ask them what they need. "are you hungry", "do you need some water", "is it naptime" . . . after they get settled down they say sorry and give me a hug. It does get better as they are able to communcate with words. My girls tamtrums used to be terrible, but I have realized the more they are talking now the less often we are dealing with tantrums.

I hope this helps,
God Bless
Angie

I hate that "failed parent" feeling.....Give yourself a pat on the back for reaching out and asking for help :O) You are not a failed parent, simply an exhausted one :O)

At his age, you have teething going on and all sorts of emotions....Timeouts never worked for me for tantrums.... it was too confusing for me and my boys.....during a tantrum, they are expressing themselves (ever so greatly), and yet are punished for it.....so I had to switch gears and try to come up with something.....at nearly 2, it is pretty easy to "persuade" them to feel...we just have to be creative. I came up with 'Happy Pills'. Everytime my oldest son would begin to meltdown over anything, I would say, 'Oh my goodness, you are so upset, let's get you a happy pill to make you happy'....

My Happy Pills were Jelly Belly's because he had never had them before, so it was new. I would give him a Jelly Belly, and tell him that it take almost 10 minutes to work, so he needs to lie down (obviously, he was having am eltdown) and watch TV until the timer goes off to see if the Happy Pill worked....within 2 minutes (tired of laying down) he would tell me it worked.....or on really bad days, he would ask for another :O)

My 7yr old just asked me for a Happy Pill the other day because he was having a really bad day (didn't feell ike doing homework)....My 13yr old looked at me, and smiled, knowing that the Happy Pills he used to take were simply Jelly Belly's :O)

I'ts a very psychological mom "trick".....but it worked for me :O) I think you're son is ready for Happy Pill's

~N. :O)

Dear T.,
I feel your pain as well, raising 7 children. I have softened my heart to those poor moms in the store. I know it could be me and so many things set off our kids.
You have receieved some great advice, but I will add to it. You are a good mom and you know why he has a fit. Usually, they want something that they can't have. In the times you think he wants something, take a minute and ask him to show you. Now if it is a no, be ready to respond. You may try getting a book from the library on baby sign language. This has helped me a lot. They can say what they want and use manners and such.
So when it is a real tantrum, I agree to give him a firm swat on his thigh so he feels it. Tell him NO so he knows you mean it. Then put him in his crib or playpen until he is done. 1 min 30 is too short. When he is done. He says sorry. Then try again to meet his need. Or move on if you said no to what he wanted. Hope that helps. Blessings.
Stac

Sometimes I feel like I've conquered the answer to tantrums, then I read something like your request and begin to think I don't even have a clue! You have received some good advice here. I would be careful with the one regarding spanking, because when you are frustrated with the boy's tantrums already it's too easy to let yourself get out of control with that. However a quick light swat on his behind to get his attention might be OK. No more than that.
One thing I did take note of in what you said is "He will sit on his time out bench for his minute and 30 seconds." I know you are trying to follow the guidelines of no more than a minute time out for each year of age. That is a guideline to help prevent a parent from becoming too punitive in giving long time-outs. What I've found works better for me is to not even think of or call it a time out, but rather to have a place out of the way and relatively quiet (yet where you can easily observe the child) and take him there to sit during the tantrum. As you take him there, tell him "you need to sit down here and get finished with your tantrum. As soon as you are finished you can come back and join the rest of us." HE may be sitting there for five or ten minutes, but it's his choice, not yours. When he gets up and follows youu around the house screaming and holding your legs, simply walk him back to that place and tell him again that he needs to sit there until he's finished his tantrum and that when he's finished you'll be happy to spend time with him. It may seem like it's never going to work, and you may have to continue doing it time after time for a few weeks, but I think this method should eventually help him to learn to control his tantrums better.
Something else that has worked for us... my husband is better with this method than I am... is to simply hold the child firmly, but gently. Wait for him to calm down but keep on talking to him quietly during that time. Then when the tantrum has subsided talk with him about what may have caused the tantrum, and how he might deal with the situation better next time. I know it sounds like something above the level of a 19 month old, but he will soon begin to catch on to the fact that when he has a tantrum, he is going to have to spend not only the tantrum time not enjoying things he'd like to do, but that dreaded
"talk" with Mommy. As I said this works with my husband better than with me, and it might not work for you either, but it's just another suggestion.
Since I am no longer dealing with tantrums from a parent perspective, but rather from a grandmother and childcare perspective, I am more able to stand back from the situation and think about what may be going through the mind of the child. I often wonder just how frustrating it must be for the little guys who, as your son is, are just getting out of that baby stage and beginning to be a "big boy". They must feel awfully torn between the two stages and I'm not surprised that at about a year and a half we begin to see such strong reactions from them. As frustrating as it is, a calm demeanor (at least outwardly) will gain us much more in the way of helping them get over it than becoming frustrated with them will.
You might have to re-evaluate some of your activities for a while and make sure you aren't being distracted with too many other things to be able to take the time to really concentrate on his tantrums.
Oh! I almost forgot, you said your husband is active duty Navy. Been there, done that! Is there anything about your life in that regard that may be also triggering these tantrums? Has Daddy recently left for a sea cruise? Is his work keeping the schedule in some sort of turmoil? You might need to include your son more in talking about what's going on with that part of your lives. Again, even though he's just 19 months old doesn't mean he can't begin to understand when you talk with him about these things. He needs to see you are calm and confident in what Daddy's job is, and that he is safe with just you and his sister as much as he's safe when Daddy is home too.

I hope some of this is helpful.

Hi T.,

Darling, you are an awesome parent. I think every mom goes thru times where she feels the same way.

God promises that he will not give us more than we can bear. So hang in there, things will get better.

You are correct , time outs and ignoring don't work, or rarely work. Behavior comes from the heart, and until you change the heart, you won't see behavior change. I like the book "shepherding a child's heart" by Ted Tripp.

God Bless,
Gail

We went through a major tantrum phase around 15 months with my son. A few thoughts. First, the moms who posted saying that a good firm swat is the quickest way to change your child's behavior are probably right but it is also the quickest way to teach your child that it's okay to hit someone if you are bigger than them and to teach your child to be afraid of you rather than respect you. Non-violent discipline does take a lot of patience and creativity for sure but now that my son can use his words more he is less frustrated. I really liked the book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block by pediatrician, Dr. Harvey Karp. I found a lot of useful suggestions to dealing with tantrums that really worked for us. For example one is when your son has a tantrum that you get down to his level and repeat back to him what he is likely thinking - using very simple words and being very expressive and using hand gestures (but without making fun of him). "I don't want to have my diaper changed!!! Want to play! I am mad!" then acknwledge his feelings "you are mad and frustrated" them try to distract hm with a funny song for example. It feels silly at first but after some practice (at home first) it cut his tantrums by 75 percent. I still use it occasionally when the tantrums happen - much more rarely now thankfully. Anyway-this helped us a lot. Good luck to you. One last thing that has helped me is to plan errands or outings strategically so he is well fed and recently napped to avoid meltdown and to do something fun for him after.

unfortunately the only advice that I would give is what you've already tried - let him scream it out and ignore it. maybe instead of the time out bench, make him sit in his room. put all of his toys up where he can't get to them and let him scream. It usually works with my daughter (who is just a month younger than your son). Even if you have to do it repeatedly - every five minutes if necessary - he will eventually come to realize that throwing a fit all the time is going to get him nowhere.

our daughter knows that if she wants something, she has to at least point at it or bring something over to us if she can't figure it out. we always tell her that if she's not going to ask for help, or tell us what she wants, she shouldn't throw a fit. also, betimes and naptimes are a factor too. does he take naps? what time does he go to bed at night and get up in the morning? If he's not sleeping enough or at least napping at some point, he could be very very cranky (our daughter takes at least 1 nap a day, whether she likes it or not).

have you tried taking him for car rides until he calms down? that worked some for us too, when our daughter didn't want to sleep some nights. Also, obviously if he's teething he's not going to be happy either, but I doubt thats the case if he's this bad. Still, you might try giving him some Infant or Children's Tylenol - just a little bit, and see if that helps him. Mine's always a little cranky when she's teething and I know some kids are absolute nightmares when they are.

Hope some of that helped, since no one has answered yet.....

T. I feel your frustration 100 percent as I am dealing with the same issue however my son is violent so to speak with his melt downs. He hits, grabs, bits, pulls his hair out, throws himself on the floor, hits his head on the floor or a chair/couch. Its very sad and frustrating how angry my son gets and different things throughout the day set him off. Its gotten to a point he is acting out his temper tantrums on others (his nonnie and playmate)...my son is 18m old!

I was just talking to my mom about this over dinner tonight and my parents got to see first hand how he's been acting as he blew up at the restuarant we were at. Like u I'm one of those moms, where people turn and look to see what's going on.

My methods work one mintue then the next tantrum doesn't do a thing. Its very hard understanding why they do this, but at the sametime they get tired, hungry and overwhelmed a lot easier then us and don't understand what sharing is or that a dirty diaper must be changed and food to be eaten not thrown across the room! Life to them is about having fun, playing and exploring new things.

I have told my son to go sit down and that i do not want him near me until he changes his mood. He will do that and most times settle down on his own. Then they're times where it will go on for an hour cause I don't give in and he needs to learn to address his behavior and settle down on his own and own ways. I'm here to help, love him and protect him. When he has settled down on his own he gives me a kiss and says sorry. He understands time outs very well, counting to 3, and a tap on the butt. Yet he still challenges me everyday.

Not everyday will one method will work. Address each tantrum differently even if its the same reason he got mad about. Try to stay calm and loving and offer hugs and kisses and ask him if he needs love from you. Or hold him tightly. My son has been taught to take a deep breath to help settle down and know what loose the attitude means as well as hush with my finger to my lip, as he does it too. Try everything. As I'm stuck myself as what to do for my son. I'm learning to control my actions so I don't esculate the problem. Sometimes I get so mad I would yell at my son and that made me feel horrible.

Wish I had an answer to solve the problem that worked everytime.....just try to do what u can n be there for him no matter how upset he gets, he needs to know you will be there for him and love him unconditionally as well as help him understand. Maybe his teeth are bugging him, as my son has 5 coming in @ once, has no desire to eat or sleep, so a lot of things can create these tantrums!

Sounds like my 8 year old......Hopefully you will get the help you need! Good Luck!

I feel your pain! My now 2 and a half year old son started having tantrums early also, around a year and a half, and i swear we tried EVERYTHING!!! We couldn't go in public, we were embarrassed, and i truly felt i was failing at this "mothering" thing. I actually overnighted the book "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka when i was at wits end and had no where else to turn. It was the best thing i could have done!!! It has saved my sanity, my relationship with my son, my marriage... Just remember, you are NOT a failure, you ARE doing an awesome job as a mother ~ good luck!

Hi T.,

How is your baby sleeping? If your baby is not getting REM sleep he will not be happy.

There is a new sleep technology that helps with that.

If you want more info let me know.

N. Marie

i would just like to add to all the great advice that encourages patience and acceptance of yourself, because this is not something you created or let happen. it is something you can guide, though. throughout all of the tantrums my boy has put me through i have definitely noticed that he is feeding on my crazy energy -- my inability to cope myself. my partner is one who consistently and calmly leads the child into his room, saying you can come out when you are ready over and over. this does help. but not always of course. what is important is to plan your attack and do it every time. this will help you not to be emotional about it. also, pay attention to what he is freaking out about. it may be that he feels a lack of control in his life. kids -- especially the second or third -- dont get to make many choices at all. when my boy goes into tantrum phases, i make it a point to ask him to make small day-to-day decisions, like clothes, some food choices, and ones that feel more important like which errand we should run first or which road we should take to get there. i have found that little change to be huge for my sensitive boy.

Get Dr. Harvey Karp's book and DVD, The Happiest Toddler on the Block, and put his ideas into action. You will be amazed at the difference it makes. Good luck.

Hi T.-

I absolutely feel your frustration. The fact that you're looking for help shows you are not a failure, just an exhausted overworked mom like the rest of us.

Your son is using tantrums as a way to voice his emotions since he doesn't have the words yet. Never, never give in to a tantrum- that teaches him having a tantrum works. The goal is to get him to understand tantrums don't get him what he wants and to find a better way of communicating. Once he has the language or signals, I bet things will ease up.

Rather than ignoring him which may be making him feel alone and misunderstood, try sitting with him during his tantrums. Try whispering to him, asking him if he's thirsty, etc. If that doesn't work, continue sitting there and look as bored as you can be. Study your fingernails, lots of deep sighs, etc. Wait for a pause in the tantrum and ask "Are you done? Lets go (insert something fun) read a book, play outside, get a snack"

I also used to get on the floor, right next to my daughters and have a tantrum of my own. Usually that got them laughing and they forgot what they were upset about.

Tantrums in public are difficult as parents because we all feel we are being judged. What goes through your head when you see someone else's child freaking out? You think "Oh, that poor mom. I remember when Amy used to do that". You don't think "bad mom".

Before going into a store, tell your son what is going to happen- "We need to get milk, eggs and bread. If you are good, you can ...". Keep him focused on the positive end result. I also used to give my girls a sugar free lollipop to suck on in the shopping cart. If they freaked, I could take it away easily, they began to see the store as fun and having something in their mouth kept them quiet :)

Good luck. Remember this is just a phase.

Ironic I just got this! I was telling my mom today about my daughter throwing MAJOR tantrums when I change her diaper and now getting more frequent. She sent me the below link...I hope it helps you too! I'm not sure what to gather except maybe my daughter needs my attention or she has too much anxiety and needs more running around and play time.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063300.asp