Sad over Not Having a Girl

I too have one boy and we only want one more child. I so badly want a girl, but dought that I will get it. My husband comes from a family of 6 boys and one girl. My husband and and 3 of his brothers all have boys.
I just look at it in the way that if I dont ever have a girl then my husband will just have to spoil me instead of the little girl. LOL

Good luck!

Oh what you are feeling is normal...but when you see that little boy that needs you so much you will have your heart fill with love.
Grieve over not having a girl if you need to...but I can tellyou a little truth to the situation. Girl's are always Daddy's Girl's and Mama has very little to do except Prom..LOL
They get to an age that it is like having two women in the house...they are harder to raise as far as I A. concerned and I have raised four of them. I have a boy 16 that he and I are really thick and I have the best time with his girlfriends and helping him through life things. Boy's are always Mama's boys....
Do not think that you will never have that girl...I can tell you from experience that you will be just as thrilled when that granddaughter is born...the years fly.....
It is so nice to have a brother for your son and they will be so close....
Feel what you have to feel but as this child grows in you and the disappointment passes you will see that things happen for the best. I know you cannot see that now but it will be fine.
Is there a friend that is expecting that baby girl that you could be a God Mother to?
Cry your eyes out if you have to and then be prepared to love this new life with all your heart. Because he will win you over with that first look of needing you.
You sound like a wonderful person that has alot of love to give...things happen too...this may not be your last.Butthere is no guarantee unless you adopt that you would have the girl that you have the picture built upinyour head that it would belike. Personally I think you would be surprised...you will be closer growing up to your boys than you would to a girl.Not that you love them any different..to girls Daddy can do no wrong and Mama is always wrong! LOL L.

I understand what you are saying. When we were pregnant with our second and the U/S Tech told us it was another girl, I was disappointed! I felt ashamed of myself for feeling that because I was convinced she was a boy and we wanted a boy so bad. I did get over it and now, 3 years later, couldn't imagine it being different. However, we are newly pregnant wiht our third, and last, and I A. nervous about it again! I really hope it will be a boy and A. trying to not think about it too much. So, I guess I would say that you are not alone in that feeling. If you always imagined yourself with a girl, it will be hard to change that picture. But you sound like a wonderful mom and someone who will make the most of it, dispointment and everything. Who knows, maybe their will be a girl of a friend or family member who will be able to look to you for the guidance and wisdom you want to share! Good luck!!!!

My mother in law was in your situation. She desperately wanted a girl and ended up with 3 boys instead. It was tough sometimes to have lost that dream... trips to the store were quick dashes instead of lingering shopping trips, the boys would be finished with their dinners before she even got the chance to sit down, etc... But she devoted herself to them and they grew up having a very close relationship to their mom. Because of that relationship, when her boys got married, they insisted on their families getting to know her as well. Now she likes to say that she has three boys and three daughters (everyone has a great relationship!). And as a bonus... she now has three granddaughters to love. It sounds like you feel as though you've lost your chance for a daughter, but maybe you've only lost that chance until the next generation.

I recommend that you check out the forums at http://www.in-gender.com where there are many many mamas who mourn not having their preferred gender. Talking about it in a forum-layout might help you work through your feelings effectively.

I have a good friend who was able to work through her similar grief at those forums. I hear that the ladies there are very sweet and understand what you're going through from personal experience.

Best wishes to you!
~B.

We have two little girls, and while I admit to feeling sad that our second wasn't a boy, I A. glad I have at least one girl, because I know I'd feel the way you do if I didn't. But there are days you could borrow mine! lol

You are definitely not bad or selfish for thinking this way, I still feel bad sometimes for wishing my youngest was a boy. I cried so hard the day we found out, and felt better when I went shopping and bought her some new stuff just for her, plus some matching big and little sister shirts.

We are still debating whether to try again just to try for a boy, but realize that could mean three girls, which we're not sure we want or can afford. It is a hard choice, plus we tried all the "methods" for conceiving a boy and it obviously didn't work last time.

You are SO not alone, and should feel better just for having admitted it! Don't let anyone invalidate your feelings, it's okay to be disappointed! Doing so doesn't mean you will love your child less.

I wanted to have a boy so bad and then the ultrasound showed a healthy little girl. I cried and cried and then a good friend said ya know I think you have what you are suppose to have and that little girl picked you to be her mommy...I got over it, got excited and now can't even imagine having a little boy.

We are only having one child so me having a boy won't happen. I do however get to have play dates with my nephews and friends boys.

Love him love him love him and once he is born I think your feelings will change, mine did.

Perhaps you can bring your focus more to bringing up your boys to be gentlemen. Teaching them how to treat a lady that is so rare in our society...the old chivalrous (sp?) ways. Teaching them how to do things like opening doors and such while still allowing their lady to be independent and her own person. Just think of the wonderful ladies they will bring home one day when they will give you grand children who may be girls that you can have even more fun with than you ever dreamed of. Good luck to you. I know life does not always give you what you expect...the trick is to make the most of what's given, as I'm sure you well know. Congrads on the healthy son and clean ultrasound!

I always wanted to have either 2 boys or one of each and ended up with two little girls. Like you, I only wanted 2 kids so when I got the second ultrasound results a wave of disappointment came over me. It did take a little while but by the time I got close to giving birth I was adjusted to the idea of another girl and was reminding myself of all the plusses like being able to reuse all the clothes and toys and knowing more what to expect in terms of behavior. Now my younger daughter is 11 months and I can't imagine life any other way. I have totally forgotten any feelings of wanting a boy. One thing that made a huge difference for me was picking out a name. Once I started thinking about "Brooke" my daughter, instead of some anonymus baby girl I ws really able to start to feel a bond to her as an individual which helped me care less about her gender. One other thing I can tell you, is that my very close friend who's older daughter is he same age as my older daughter had a little boy a few months before I had my second girl. Initially I was jealous that she got what I wanted. But I spend a lot of time around all 4 kids and I can honestly say that the bond between my daughters is so different than the bond between her daughter and son. My two girls really seem to adore and understand each other where my friend's daughter loves her little brother but sees him more as a novelty. So my point is that even though a girl would have been fun for you, for your son a brother is probably better. He and his little brother will be friends and playmates in a way that a boy and a girl would not be. So don't worry, in time you will be glad that your second is another boy. And don't feel guilty in the meantime - it is totally normal what you are feeling.

I had a boy first and when I became pregnant with #2 we really wanted another boy. Of course the ultrasound showed a girl, and I was so sad. My husband was really upset too. what made it worse was the guilt, like you mentioned - how could we be so petty when there are people who can't have children or have kids who are sick, etc? And it is something you can't really talk to many people about because you do get lots of "be grateful" speeches.
Take time to grieve the loss of your fantasy. Be easy on yourself for feeling the way you do - you are human and we all have dreams for our families and futures.
In time you will feel better about it, though you will likely always miss having the little girl. However, you will probably be the mosT amazing mother-in-law to whoever your boys marry!

I know how you feel - I had a boy and then we tried again and found out it was twins! I remember thinking that surely one had to be a girl, but I was shocked to find out that they were both boys!!I didn't want to have more kids than two, so now that I'm over my limit I probably won't try again. I really hoped for a girl too, but one thing that helped is watching my boys play together and realizing how great it's going to be for them to have brothers to grow up with - they can share toys and relate to one another. Plus it seems like boys always love their mommies, where girls often clash with their moms as they get older. One friend of mine who has all boys has fun (now that they are 8 and 10) by letting them take her out (individually)on "dates" and she teaches them how to be gentlemen. She gives them money before the date so they can pay,and they take her coat,and pull out her chair for her,etc - and they love this time together! You do have to mourn the dream of having a girl but you can think of fun new dreams for your boys. I have found that I really enjoy having boys. Best of luck to you!

My mother had the same experience as you. She had the perfect family figured out. She wanted a boy first to take care of all the girls that might come along. Well, she got a girl first to take care of all the boys that came along. She later said that she reconned that God knew what he was doing. I have seven younger brothers. About the time that she was expecting my 5th brother (she didn't know if it was a boy or a girl because they didn't do the ultra sounds that much then and this pregnancy was so different then her others) she thought she might be having another girl. Since she had never had a baby shower before with any of us her friends decided to give her a baby shower and they gave her almost all things for girls. Needless to say she was quite sad when she had another boy and she told me that for many days she didn't even want to see him because she was so sad. She finally got over that and of course loved him a lot. She did go through a grieving process for awhile but then went on with life and enjoyed him very much. She is glad that she did because he was only around for a very short period of years. He drowned when he was 11 years old but before he drowned he brought a lot of joy to all of our lives. Shortly before he drowned he did something that my mom said was very life changing and very good for her. She had been mad at one of the priests in her parish because of something that he had said to her at one time so she would not go to him for confession or communion or anything. She always got in to another line instead of is and made all of my brothers do the same. I was grown and gone from home at that time. One day Danny got away from her and got in the other line. She said that she felt like a voice was telling her about the line in the bible about how a little child shall lead them and she also thought she heard a voice saying "It's time to forgive old woman". She decided to follow Danny in to the line that he was in. She is glad she did because a few weeks later Danny drowned and that same priest was the one that said his funeral mass. She felt that after he drowned she was giving the gift of being able to write poetry after his death and she started to do that as a part of her griefing and continued it for many years after. She wrote some beautiful poetry in her lifetime.

Mom did gain some wonderful daughters in laws and a couple of granddaughters that she enjoyed as much as she could whenever she was able to see them.

Mom said that she reconned that God knew better then her what was needed in the way of a family for her and she did the best she could with all of us. I did grow up to be quite a tomboy but that didn't hurt me one bit. When one is out numbered one has to do what one has to do. No boys were able to pull much on me that I couldn't handle quite well on my own. I myself have 3 boys and 1 girl but do have some beautiful granddaughters and some wonderful daughters in law.

I have two boys and and I understand kind of how you feel because I wanted to have at lest 1 girl. I believe you will see as time goes on how much it really doesn't matter. All children are different and each experience will be good in it's own way. Having a daughter doesn't mean that the child will love cute dresses, dolls, quiet play, or mother daughter happy bonding. It's who they are that makes the differences and their sex is superficial.

I would like to say that you may find your situation change. An increase in funds or, as your boys get older, the ability to take care of one more. Most states offer assistance to adoptive homes so that may be an option later. Or you may end up with a friend single parenting a little girl in which you can be a god-parent and help. Or REALY enjoy aunthood since you have siblings. You can also turn your hopes to Granddaughters!
Also, girls are easier only until about 9. Then the hormones, squables with mom, super emotional, friends are more important, "I can't believe you are doing this to me" little monsters emerge! Do you remember your fights with your sisters? Your boys will need to be sent outside to through punches once in a while but then the fight will be over and all will be well. Also, your young men will LOVE their momma. Girl will not at that age.
That said, your hopes are yours and not having them realised is so painful, and I A. sorry. So long as your feelings do not effect how you raise your boys there is nothing wrong with them and you have a right to them.

This is normal!
I thought I wanted a girl more then anything. Then I got my boy. He is so wonderful. I did get a girl next but have a hard time connecting some times with her, and A. still very attached to my boy. I feel like I was selfish to want a boy and girl because 2 boys would have grown up closer, had more in common and been best buds. Remember all those things you were going to teach your girl? Now you get to raise up boys who will know how to treat their women. You can teach them what they need to know to be good husbands and fathers. I believe there is a reason for everything. Its ok to feel sad about not getting a girl but remember to change your negative thoughts into positive ones and focus on the joys of your new baby.

I can relate to some degree. I always thought it would be neat to have a son for my first, but it was a girl.I wasn't too upset about that, although my husband was pretty disappointed. I A. the oldest of three with two younger brothers, so I was really hoping my second would be a boy. I didn't have a very positive mental image of sisterhood from the experiences of friends. I was freaking out a little when my second turned out to be a girl too. Little did I know how great she would be. I love my oldest, but she is all Daddy's girl, very dramatic and very stubborn. My second one is so laid back, a little cuddler and just brings a balance to our family. I love them both and they are so different. I think it's ok to mourn your dream, but be encouraged that the little one coming might be just what you needed. From what I've heard boys are way easier! My only caution would be to try to work through it before he's born, you wouldn't want him to ever feel like he wasn't wanted. It's one of the risks of having kids and it's not the baby's fault he is what he is.

I don't have anything magic to say that will make you feel better, but I do completely understand how you are feeling. I was crushed when I found out my 2nd was another boy too. I cried (HARD) for days. I really wanted a girl for the exact same reasons you did. I was done with 2 also. I felt SO selfish but I was also really, really sad. My sister had a boy and her second was a girl and so I was even jealous. I found myself jealous of everyone who had a girl and found it hard to be excited for them. But my son is SUCH a sweet little guy. I felt so bad that I felt that way that when he was almost 1 I remember saying to him (not that he understood) but I said, "I'm so sorry I cried when I found out you were a boy!" I felt much better after really feeling sorry about it and just loving him for being him. As fate would have it, I got pregnant again and cried for months because I didn't want another child, boy or girl. In my mind we were done having kids. The ultrasound didn't reveal anything to us because the baby kept its legs closed the whole hour we were in there. I cried more because it was stressful not to know or prepare my mind before the baby arrived. I was sure it was a boy and wanted to know forsure so I could prepare myself and not cry when he was born in front of everyone. As it turned out, we had a girl. I never would have tried to have the third but we've been blessed and I was so happy I came to terms with the fact that I had two boys before I had my little girl. It's hard and crushing and believe me, I know SO many friends with all boys who all wanted girls so you're not alone out there!

I completely understand how you feel. I have two boys, 2.5 yrs and 7 mos old. We didn't find out what we were having either time and the first time I wanted a boy, then I really wanted a girl-- just the way my family of origin was, older bro younger sis. But, I really had a gut feeling we would have another boy and when he was born, I said "I knew it." Probably in a resigned tone. It was really hard at first. I was mourning the loss of a chance to have a daughter. When I'd see little girls, I'd feel so sad, when I'd think of how special my relationship with my mom is and how much I loved sharing pregnancy, nursing, being a mother with her, I'd feel VERY sad. And, really, I still do feel sad about it from time to time. Of course I absolutely adore my sons and have loved watching their relationship as brothers begin to take shape, but I also sometimes bemoan the fact that I'm the only girl in the house with a bunch of "stinky boys!" :) So, please don't feel bad about how you're feeling. I think I really had to grieve the loss of my dreams about having a girl and I think it will probably always come up from time to time. It really is OK and normal to feel that way. (I haven't read the other posts, so I hope I'm not boring you with more of the same-- I'm sure there are lots of us "moms of boys who would have loved to have a girl" out there ! :)

3 isn't much harder than 2 financially or otherwise.I say try one more time.

I'm not sure how to get over this but, I hope the other amazing women on this site have some great advice for you!!! I do however want to share with you what happened to me. My mother has always wanted boys, when I ended up a girl, she was very sad. Once when we were in a fight, she told me she had never wanted a girl. Well, you can imagine how that hurt me!!! Please do whatever you need to to be content and happy with having your wonderful boys and keep the memories of your feelings for wanting a girl so badly from them. If you do not, your boys may grow up worrying that they are not good enough to be your children since they are not what you "wanted".

A couple ideas: Maybe you can get together with a mom's group and "adopt" a little girl one of the other moms has? Or, there is a great web group called Operation Baby Blanket that is a support group for women who are pregnant or have new babies while their spouses are overseas with the military. Basically you could adopt a mom and share support, advice, letters of encouragement and even send the traditional blanket or other goodies to a mother who desperately needs support and has a little girl you could love and nurture. Or, get involved in a Reading program and read to young girls in your community. Or, become a Brownie Girl Scout leader. Or, join an Exchange Program group and have female exchange students. There are endless opportunities to help young women to grow and be amazing people without having little girls of your own!

Plus, BOYS are GREAT!!! I have a son and we are so looking forward to his future and going fishing, playing in the dirt, running, jumping, etc. My son also likes to do his "makeup" with me. I'm a Mary Kay Consultant so I wear make up every day. My son sits with me in the bathroom and we brush our teeth together, he puts on his clear lip gloss and he loves to use my makeup brushes to "fix" his eyebrows, and pretend he's putting powder on his face like mommy. My husband thinks I'm nuts to let him play since "Boys don't wear makeup" but, he is learning about personal hygiene, taking care of his skin and he's learning that women put a lot of effort into looking beautiful. Also, I give him his own colors (clear!) so he has his very own but it really doesn't do anything! He is always so cute and says "Mommy, you look so pretty!" I A. loving having a boy so much!!!

I hope you can find ways to enjoy the little amazing things about children in general and find a way to fullfill your goal of helping young girls become amazing women (OOO, a church youth group would also be great!- become a leader for the girls group!!!)

Good luck!!!

We have two boys. I wouldn't have it any other way. I was always told: Boys are harder for the first 9 years then they (providing they learn good morals / manners) turn and become so much easier. Where as girls a lot easier, mellow, self content etc. untli they turn 9. Then they get really emotional and tempermental etc.

The big question would be: Do you want them "out of control" when they are younger and need you there or when they are older and "think" they have all it takes to conquer the world. (They become know it alls)

We also wanted a girl, but would change it now even if we could.

Hi A. D,

I'm so sorry for your pain and sadness. I A. the mother of two little boys, 4-1/2 and 3. They have so much fun together and are the absolute best of friends. I hope the relationship between your sons will be wonderful enough to almost make up for any sense of loss you may feel. Just know that someday you won't be able to imagine your life without that second little male person in it.

- J.

Between my 2 sisters and me, no brothers, we had 7 boys, no girls. It's just not in the genes, I guess.

Of course we all wanted a girl in our own families, but when I had an second son, I was disappointed at first. Then I talked to sooooo many women after that who had both boys and girls, and they all said they would rather raise their boys than girls again. They said girls are too emotional, moody, over sensitive and whiney. Boys just kind of took whatever came along. I thought, hmmm, maybe this was a good thing. Also, you can use the hand me downs from my other son and they can share a bedroom, leaving me an extra guest room for awhile. Actually, I learned that moms and their sons have a special bond. I love little boys and connect better with them in other families. As they get older, they will be very protective of their mom. It's so cute. My yearning for a girl is now being met by housing foreign exchange students. We have done this for many years now and have wonderful relationships across the world. AND, I now have a new daughter in-law and we are very close. It will come to you too in other ways.

Hi A. D,

You are right, you are grieving a lost child. It is a child of your heart and mind, but that does not make it any less real. I would let yourself grieve this and not bottle it up. I would do something to mark the loss, something private, that will help you through letting go of your dream.

One suggestion is to write all of your baby girl names, all of the things you want to teach a daughter, and all of the thing that you will miss about being a mother to a daughter. Then cut the paper into strip with each name or dream per slip of paper. Then go to a beautiful spot in the woods or the Gorge and place them one by one into a stream. It is paper so it will bio-degrade quickly. Or you can dig a small hole and place the paper inside. Or you could also do the same thing with candles and say all of the things that you need to say.
Then take yourself to the spa to have your toes done (or a massage if you go to Zanana spa in SE they do a GREAT prenatal) and connect with your female spirit.

Lastly, when your boys are a little older, you could join to be a big sister to a girl who needs a mom. I know that is not the same thing, but you would have the opportunity to pass on your wisdom to a girl who will need it!

We do tend to put to much on people being happy all the time, that we don't let people be sad or grieve. Also we are complex, we can be happy and sad at the same time. Small rituals can help the healing process. I hope this helps!!

I honer your female spirit,
C.

Just try again for a girl if you really want one. Girl are wonderful but I don't think they are easier at all. I grew up with five sisters and believe me girls come with their own set of issues. But I understand what you are talking about and how you are a little disappointed. I just wanted to tell you that I loved growing up in a big family and I love my sisters and brothers they will love eachother and you will love them no matter what sex they are. But if you are really set on a girl keep trying.

My plan was to have two kids -- first a girl then a boy. I wanted the girl first so she would be older and learn to be strong and independent and in charge. So much for plans -- we have two boys. I felt many of the same things you described and all I can say is you will (mostly) get over your disappointment. To be honest, if I was to have another child at this point, I would hope for a boy this time. Funny how things change with your experiences...

First of all, I A. so sorry for your disappointment. Every parent goes through some type of disappointment at one time or another when their child is not as they had envisioned. This is SO normal. I have two daughters. One of them is exactly like I had dreamed my daughter might be someday. One of them is not at all like I imagined, but, of course, I wouldn't trade her for a dozen "picture perfect"-type girls. Still, it can be so hard to have a child I have trouble relating to, sometimes. My sister has two boys, and she went through the emotions that it sounds like you are now. The thing that she was saddest about was not being able to have a special and memorable moment when her daughter started her period. (Like they did on the "Cosby Show," remember?) I happily allowed her to have that roll with my daughters, and it was a wonderful, positive, special bonding time for them. May I suppest, (if you don't have any neices locally,) that you think about specifically which dreams you are mourning, and see where you can fill that void. There is no shortage of girls in need of mentoring. I know it is not the same, but I hope it helps. Congratulations on two precious boys! Our country is in desperate need of strong, compassionate, responsible men to lead the boys of the future. You sound like the kind of Mom to provide a couple of men like that to society... thank you! :) Blessings to you and yours!

You are allowed to mourn. When there is a hope or expectation it is hard to let go of what you wished for. I mourned much of my pregnancy since I wasn't ready to be pregnant and had used protection so I couldn't get pregnant. And yet here I was pregnant with twins let alone one. Hopefully you will come to a place within yourself that will be content. So you don't look at this new boy with disappointment. He will be able to pick up on that. Here is a link to a workshop that while is related to births may help you find some comfort in your current pregnancy:

http://www.carolgray.com/carolgray/Workshops_for_Women.html

Good luck Mama. Oh and as an idea when your new son is older, what if you became a 'big sister'? You donate time to a young woman and teach the same things you wanted to teach a daughter.

S.

Hi ~ I just have to let you know that I TOTALLY felt the same way when I found out my second son was a boy...my husband even teased me for the way I said "Ohhh.." when the ultrasound technician told us. I used to look at all my friends who had baby girls and be so sad...and then condemned for being sad.

I guess I just want you to know that your emotions are real and I applaud you for being real about them. The tough part is that if you really are done with having babies, the emotions may always be there to some extent all the time; I encourage you to always be honest with God about them, but I also encourage you to pray for the little boy growing inside you. I find that my heart becomes most attached to those I pray for, and God can work a miracle in your heart as you step beyond your emotions to ask for blessing upon that which may not have been your "ideal" had you had the power to choose.

Thanks for being so real and honest; I pray that you find a peace in your heart as a result.

I A. a mostly SAHM of an almost 4mo old boy. I had the same feelings when I found out we were having a boy too! I felt like I was mourning the baby I thought I was going to have. I was so set on having a girl and was so sure that I was carrying one. I love my son to death, and would of course now not have it any other way, but I still long for a girl. I A. almost scared to try again because I dont want to feel that same bitter/sweet feeling I felt at our 20 week ultrasound. My husband never understood the feelings I was having, He gave the whole "be greatful for what we have" and of course I was and A.! Many other moms that I talked to understood, so you are not alone, some moms just might not want to admit it! I still feel guilty that I had those feelings when I look in to my beautiful healthy son's eyes, because I love him so much, but it's just that there is still a place in my heart for that mother daughter bond that is so special (not to say that the bond I have with my son isn't). hope this helps to know that you are not alone. ;)

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I know we only ever imagined having a little girl and I'm sure I would have felt the exact same way if we hadn't had one. It's not like you'll love him any less, it's just not the dream you imagined.

I actually had a hard time when our daughter was born and she didn't have the huge amount of dark hair that I had always imagined. I would see photos of other babies that would look like what I had imagined and I would get a little sad. I actually felt like I morned a bit for months for that other little girl that I had pictured. But, that fades and you realize that you can't imagine your child any other way.

Please don't beat yourself up for feeling what (I bet many, many) other parents have also felt. Give yourself time to mourn that dream and you'll be filled with more love than you can imagine for the person he becomes. And who knows, maybe you'll have that little girl in your life down the road in some other way (sons' friends, nieces, mentoring, etc.).

i have two little boys and honestly nothing beats seeing brothers being best friends.

What you are feeling is very normal. I always thought I would have girls since I was one of three and I had two boys. I A. very close with my mother so it was really hard for me to accept that I wouldn't have that experience. I truly believe that we are given what God intended us to have. Having sons has taught me more then I ever thought. They are a huge blessing and I couldn't imagine having a daughter now. I have MS so it really makes me appreciate that I was given this wonderful gift at all and twice to boot. I wake up and take the joy of knowing that I A. molding these boys into strong men. I know that they will give me wonderful daughters someday.

You should mourn her - if that helps you get to the point where you can accept the fact that unless you decide to adopt or foster you cannot be guaranteed a girl... This was a huge dream for you (and your spouse). My first child was a beautiful little girl, whom I gave up for adoption. My second child who is 5 1/2 - is healthy, rambunctious, and a crazy load of fun, is a boy. I too was disappointed when I found out he was a boy - but you do get over it. Although, there are times he does stuff and I look up and ask, "Why? Why couldn't he have been a girl?" Sometimes when I go shopping or do crafting or read a book I think the same thing - but he'll never know it. I believe I got the child I needed. And need doesn't always align with want. You have to remind yourself of that.
And yes - when I have those thoughts I do get little niggling guilty feelings. I just blame it on my Mom and keep going. *grin*
I wish you and your family much happiness. You seem to be extraordinarilly blessed.

The bond between brothers is so priceless! My boys are best friends.

Wow! I was so surprised to read your post since this is exactly how I have been feeling since I found out we were having another boy! Now that he is born, of course I A. very happy that he is healthy and here, but there is this piece of me that is still sad to not have a girl. I'm an only child and A. very close to my mother. I really wanted to have that kind of relationship with a daughter.

I guess you just really need to be happy with what you have and forget being sad about not having a girl. It is what I A. going to do since having three children may be too tough (financially and physically) right now. I figure there is a reason I A. supposed to be the mother of two boys.

Good luck to you and let me know if you find out some other way to come to terms with your boys.

I have been there.. I have three boys. Ages 8, 2, and 5 weeks. When I found out I was having another boy, I was devasted. I love my boys, but I wanted a girl so bad I could taste it. Especially because I had lost my mother 2 years ago to cancer and I had such a tight bond with her. I wanted the same bond with a daughter. The fact that I A. a total girly girl doesn't help either.
When i found out it took me a good couple of days to really let it soak in and accept it.
It's ok that you are feeling the way you feel. It is only human nature. All and all you will love this boy no matter what. I guess all we can hope for is some grand daughters at this point. ( I know sad and way ahead of myself.)
I hope this helps... Your not alone..
Congratulations and Good Luck!

A. D,

I'm sure you've gotten many responses to your request, it being two weeks post your posting. Well, here's another one anyway. I truely understand your grief. To know that you won't have the girl that you've always wanted is painful. It doesn't make you love your little boys any less or make you any less of a wonderful mother. It only makes you human. I don't have any advice just validation for your feelings. I'm in a similar situation and there are days that I'm down right sad about it. I do, however, have many more days that I'm perfect with the lot I've been given. I'm sure you will too.

Good Luck to you.
K

Hi,

I just want to say that I A. so sorry for your loss. It is a loss--It's the loss of a dream never to be. It's the loss of a lifestyle you'll never have. It's the loss of a special love you'll never share. It is okay to grieve and feel sad. This does not diminish the love that you have for the child in your womb. Grieving is a process and it takes time to work through it. Don't stifle it or feel guilty about it. Realize what it is and work through it! My prayers are with you!

D. Rylander
A Blessed Birth Doula Services
###-###-####
____@____.com

I can relate. I have two boys, 19 1/2 months apart. From the time that I found out I was pregnant with my second, I was totally convinced that it was a girl. I had completely different symptoms than I did with my first, and I really WANTED it to be a girl...so on the day of the ultrasound, when they told me it was another boy, I cried. Not that I didn't love him, it was just not what I expected to hear. That boy is now 2 1/2 years old and I can't imagine life without him!!! He is such a joy to have around (other than the terrible two stage!) and him and his brother are the BEST OF FRIENDS!!!!! My older son can't remember life before his brother was in it. They're lost without the other one!!! It may not feel like it right now, but there is a bright side...your son, when he gets older, will love having a playmate that likes the same things as him (bugs, trucks, dirt, bikes, etc!!!) You'll also get to use all of the old clothes and toys again, and your parenting will be on auto pilot for awhile, since you've already learned how to parent a boy! It WILL be ok, and once that little guy is born, you won't be able to imagine your life without him!!! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!!!

A.,
I know exactly how you feel. Our youngest is 5yrs now and I still grieve for the daughter that we never had. We knew that two was the number for us and stopped at that. I tell you, if I knew that we would have a daughter, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I love our two boys but struggle daily with their shenanigans and destructive nature.(My hubby works nights and he only sees the boys on the weekends)
With our second son I was so ill throughout the pregnancy (vomiting all day long for all 9mos)that I was sure we were having a girl. When I found out he was a boy I cried. I know it sounds selfish, but that is how I felt. I wouldn't change anything because they are both our gift from God. We were lucky to get pregnant the first time and even more lucky to get pregnant again. I always tell our boys that they are a gift from God.
For me, the sadness of no girl hasn't gone away and I don't think it ever will, but I still love our boys and I actually love doing the boy stuff with them.
Best wishes for you.

I have always been a girly girl, and I have 2 boys, and 2 kids is our limit. I always got my hair done, always went shopping, and always doing girl things. I too, always dreamed of having a girl for the same reasons as you. My 12 year old son, healthy as a horse, was (and still is) always in the 80-90th percentile for height and weight. When I became pregnant with my 6 year old, he had complications-alot of complications. His health issues were more concerning to me than the fact that I wasn't having a girl. Just having my son being able to live was more important to me than "oh, it's not a girl". I didn't have time to think about it. Everyone says "I don't care what it is, as long as it's healthy." And to me, that couldn't ring more true. My 6 year old spent the first 3 months at Childrens Hospital. He had a 45% chance to live, and I'm grateful he's alive, doing well,and that he's a boy.
I have 4 nieces that I love as if they were my own children. When I see them, I buy them a dress (at Target), or a pink outfit, I fix thier hair with a curling iron, and we go rent or go to a girly movie (Princess Diaries, Enchanted, something my boys wouldn't be caught dead watching),and bake cookies or cup cakes. I have also found, girls whine and tattle alot. It's just what they do. I love my nieces, but, they do whine and complain.
If you don't have nieces, but if you have a good friend with a girl, ask your friend if you could "adopt" her as your niece so you can have some girly time. She may be willing to do a kid exchange for the day or a few hours.
You can be sad for a few days about not being able to have a girl, but just think, when our boys are old enough to get married (I know that seems like a very long time, and it is) we will have 2 daughter's in law-who will think we are cool, because we want to go shopping with them, get manicures and pedicures together, and go see a chic flick at the movies.

Please be grateful that your baby is healthy and rejoice in that.

Good Morning,
I had wanted to have boys, thinking since I was a "tom boy", that I would be better equipped. But I had two of the most beautifull little girls (they are 15 & 17 now). I have had a wonderfull time with them anyways. Your only choice in the matter is, be happy with what you have or try again for a girl. There really is no other choice. I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 28, so I couldn't try again. The Bible says to not dwell on those things we can't change, but whatever is good and true, these things think on. Annie

Hey there! I get it, I felt the same way....I really had a strong desire to raise girls. I was blessed with 2 girls though, so I can't completely relate, but I wanted you to know that I sympathize. You don't need to feel guilty...just love on your boys, and maybe there is a neice or friend's daughter or big sister program you can become closely involved with, and make a difference in a little/big girls life! Females go through so much and have so many confidence and self worth issues, that we need all the love, encouragement and support we can get:-)

well, as a mom of six, 5 boys and 1 girl, the girl being a fraternal twin and her twin dying of SIDS, and my youngest is autistic, I would say be happy, my daughter being around boys all her life is not a girly girl, she is very much a tomboy, has not worn a dress (aside from the 9th grade dance) since she was 7 (she will be 18 in two months) having a girl does not make for a stronger bond, does not guarentee fun shopping trips, mani,pedi days, spa fun... it does guarentee that you will share major PMS days/weeks, share crying days, and yes happy days.
now don't think I A. bashing my daughter, we are very very close, and it is different from my sons.
but to not want a boy because they might die of SIDS or have autism is unreasonable. In my sons classroom of 11 kids, 6 of the kids are girls, who all have Downs, which is by far much harder to handle than autism.
2 of the girls are violent, non verbal, not potty trained, yet veryyyyyyyy loving.
I guess I would say be thankful, you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Your feelings are totally normal! The minute you see and hold your baby, you wont have any more of those sad feelings.

My first was a boy and when I became pregnant with my second, DH and I both wanted another boy. We just felt it would be easier and cheaper and better to have 2 of the same sex. Plus, my husband is asian and I was a little apprehensive about how girls are treated in the asian cultures, etc. I didn't want her to be less than my son just because she's a girl, etc. When we found out at the ultrasound that it was a girl, we were both shocked and really didn't believe it!! We went through the entire pregnancy not believing it was a girl. She is now almost a year old and there hasn't been a moment that I've thought of wanting another boy. She has just been the perfect addition to our family. Also, you guys just might change your minds about having another!! In the beginning, we were a one kid family and if that went okay, we'd try for a second. NOW, we are seriously considering trying for a third!! The funny thing is is that everyone always says to us, oh, how perfect, a boy and a girl, your family is complete, etc. It's so funny what people percieve as the perfect family. I always thought and still do that having two of the same sex is great. Life is too short. You can only do this at one point in your life. There's no going back if you decide later you really wished you'd had another. We don't care what we have (if we do have a third) but my son would really like to have a brother. I'd like my daughter to be the only girl so she doesn't have to share her princess status with anyone else! :-)

Good luck to you!

Well...one way to look at it differntly is that your son will have a brother. It sounds like you and your sisters are close. Now you will have two boys to share their adventures with each other. Those two will be so close! They will cause you way more grief I A. sure but think...time flies by and someday you will have two daughter in laws to spoil!

I don't know...hope that helps!

I can fully empathize with you! I A. the mother of two boys, my youngest just a month old, and was also really hoping for a girl (I also come from an all girl household). It was not easy to swallow at first and I experienced all the things you are descrbing, the sadness and then the guilt for feeling sad. I think that's the great thing about ultrasounds, though, that you have the time to come to terms with this before the baby arrives, so he isn't affected by that negative emotion in the delivery room. I can say that I fully love my two boys, and we are done having children. The one thing that my friends all said to make me feel better is "at least you won't have to deal with a hormonal teenage girl." I also have a hope that maybe someday (when my boys are older) I could be a foster parent and take care of a little girl who really needs a strong adult and good female role model. And there's always the possibility of granddaughters :) It will take some time, but you will come around.

It is a very natural response to grieve over an unrealized dream. It is frequently done in almost every aspect of our lives, some to a greater extent than others. Remember that there is a cycle to grief, and you are likely to experience emotions as you go through each of the 7 stages. The good news is that the final stage of grief is acceptance.

I can empathize BIG time because I went through this myself. My husband and I just had our first baby six months ago. In every conversation we had about having children and becoming parents we just knew we would have girls. And while I did find the vast array of girlie products an attractive bonus to having a girl, I also had this incredible vision of what it would be like to raise a strong, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, competent woman who I could pass on my own wisdom to. (By this time, we had five nephews and only one niece so I had had my fill of buying everything boy out there. And since my niece is the oldest of the kids, I was ecstatic over the prospect of being able to buy pink baby things again.)

And then we found out we were having a boy. It sounds melodramatic but I really felt as if my world collapsed. I was devastated. What I realize now, looking back, is that I actually went into a period of grieving. I trolled online bulletin boards that covered this topic - of being disappointed in the sex of your baby. And, yeah, I read a TON of mean-spirited remarks from people who just didn't get what I was going through. Whether or not you are someone who is hoping to start a family and finding it difficult or someone who is hoping to start a family with a baby of a specific gender, you are someone who has a dream or a vision for the future. When that dream is shattered, it HURTS. Being told what a bad person you are for not sucking it up is not helpful in the least. I tried to tell myself when reading the negative responses from people that they were just hurting too.

My greatest concern was that my son would arrive and I wouldn't like him. Sounds horrible, right? Believe me, I was feeling all kinds of guilt over this, but I truly was worried that I wasn't going to be able to bond to him because he wasn't what I had dreamed of having. I was also worried that he wouldn't be seen as special by grandparents who were overloaded with so many other boy grandchildren.

I'm now six months into the parenting experience and I A. happy to say that I love my son with a love I had yet not known from the moment he entered the world. He is perfect (to me!) in every way, shape, and form. And it doesn't matter to me in the least if the grandparents are/were bored by the appearance of yet another boy because he is MINE. I created this being. And everything he does is wonderful and special to me and my husband. (And possibly our cats, who find him somewhat of an enigma right now.) :) I've even found that by doing some research online I can find cute and interesting toys and clothes to buy him that I don't feel I've already bought a gazillion times for my nephews. (You have to pay a little more but I figure he's worth it. As for stores in the PDX area, I recommend Spoiled Rotten, Polliwog, Grasshopper, Green Frog Toys, and Posh Boutique - to name a few.)

I would say, at this point, allow yourself time to grieve and to adjust your vision of what your family is going to look like. If you don't think your friends would understand, don't discuss it with them if you think they'll only try to make you feel bad OR worse, they'll start explaining how wonderful boys are. Which is true, that just won't help you grieve for the loss of your daughter.

If you're like me, the sight of a pink dress can put you in a funk for days. Try to avoid baby stores or movies where the ladies have young daughters, etc., until you've had time to come to terms with what has happened.

You have my heartfelt sympathies. I'll send you my e-mail if you want to take the chat off the public forum.

Good luck.

HiAm,
I hope you are feeling better today. It is hard to have to realize that your dreams are now different. I can promise you that you were blessed with this new little one because you are the best mom for this baby. I have a girl, she has autism, and she is a very hard and difficult challange compared to my boy. I wanted another girl when we found out we were pregnant with my second and of course I love my little boy more than words can say. He is the easier one and the one who is calm. I know if must be hard for you at this time, but know that you are not alone in your feelings and know that this little new boy will be the joy in your life. My daugther is a total tomboy. I was able to do those cute little things with clothes for a short time. She will not let me fix her hair or do any girly things! Every child is so different. Best of luck..
B.

Hi, Both my husband and I wanted a girl desperately. When the ultrasound came back and we found out it was a boy, I mourned the future buddy that I had created in my mind too. Now, I don't even understand why I went through that. He is so amazing! You now have the oppertunity to have great friends and support in your household that only same sexed siblings can have. I A. sure you will be overjoyed with your little guy. Take care.

I kind of know how you feel. I too only wanted girls, but what we want and what God gives us I found out are not always the same. My second child was a boy and I too was deeply upset about it and A. now finding that there are many mom's out there who feel the same. I will tell you though, that after I had him I didn't care any more. Yes, I still wanted a girl, but love my son and would not give him up for anything. Go ahead and morn the fact that you will not have a girl. I think you have to to become okay with having a boy. Then, move ahead in your life and look forward to the day that you will have grandaughters to love. I hope you find relief in knowing that you are not the only one out there who despirately wanted a girl and that you will come to realize that you will love your son no matter what.

Howdy,

I think you bring up an interesting aspect of your experience by feeling like you are "mourning" the daughter that you wont be having. There are so many hopes and aspirations that we women have about pregnancy, birth and child rearing that when they don't happen, we absolutely *do* go through a mourning process.

In my own experience, my daughter was born prematurely and stayed in the hospital for 9 weeks. I didn't get the birth experience that I had always hoped for. Because of that, I mourn the fact that I didn't get "big", we don't have those first family photos, the wonder of the first few days of having a perfect little baby swaddled up in my arms. Instead, I had visits in the NICU, an intimate relationship with my breast pump, and a knot in my stomach the first few weeks that she was home because I was so worried.

My point is, mourning is perfectly normal and is a healthy process that you should accept and experience as your son grows in your belly. When he's born, you'll be more at ease with your experience.

I'm sure you have realized this by now, but you are not alone in your feelings! I was CONVINCED I was "meant" to have a girl for our second..I had a girl name all picked out, my pregnancy was even different, so I was telling my son his sister was in Mommy's belly and he was calling her by the name we chose. Having another boy was more of a Murphy's Law joke around my house then an actual believed thought. Then our untrasound time came, and yes, another boy. I kept it in (out of guilt) until we got out of the Dr's office, then I totally broke down. I also cried for days, both at the loss of my "future buddy" and also out of guilt for being sad in the first place. I A. very close to my mom and longed for that same relationship with a daughter of my own. We were surprised with our first, so I refused to find out in the ultrasound with him. This time, I'm SO glad I did find out, becuase I have come to terms with it before our new little man arrives....which is in 21 days! Now, I'm so happy to have two boys. I thought I would have those pangs when I saw other little girls, but to my own surprise, I'm ok! My son is going to be a great big brother, he's seems pretty excited, and I really think they will be buddies. And that is what I'm really the most happy about. I was an only child and hated it. We, too, are done at two kids, I'm having another C-sec with this one and I'm "shutting down the factory" and having my tubes tied. So this pregancy was my last shot at a girl. But I really A. ok with two boys now. And my hubby didn't even really want a second to begin with, but knew I longed so bad for a girl, so he agreed to one more. But I had fun doing the "blue thing" this time around, so that also helped me cope and get excited...I had kept everything gender neutral in colors with my first, since we were being surprised.

But you do need your time to mourn the loss of the child that wasn't, it totally OK. I understand what you mean. Take that time and by the time this little man joins the family, you will be ready. I A., 21 days now seems too long to wait to meet my guy! ;-)

Best wishes, and congratulations! And as my hubby says now, "Hey, at least we don't have to pony up for a wedding!" ;-)

I think that you, like you said, are lucky that you are pregnant with a second healthy child...I A. also from a family of three girls, and thought I wanted a girl...our 2.5 year old is a boy, and I can't think of anything greater than him. He is easy going, funny, and a joy to be with all the time...hopefully we will have more - and since having my son (and seeing spirited and tempermental little girls) I would be perfectly content having another boy!

I just about had my heart fall out when we found out our second was going to be another boy. I wanted to hide in my room and cry! We werent playing on having more then one and when i found out i was pregnant again i thought ok maybe this is my luck..two was my magic number. but no, another boy. but then as i went through the pregancy i realized it was better we were having another boy. I had sooo much boy stuff and i knew what i was doing with a boy and i knew what to expect with the circumssion this time and i just felt this overwheleming since one morning that this was for the best! And now they are best friends...i cant take one without the other which is annoing for me but it is good because no matter what they will always have each other. Now i A. prego with our third..another woooopa for us and the ultrasound tch says it is a boy but i A. staring to think otherwise because i A. due june 16th and still very small and i have had some symptoms that will not go away like wanting to throwup if i dont eat as soon as i feel hungry and gas if i eat anything other then bread and just gross most of the time. I never got that with the others and with the boys you could tell i mean tell they were boys we never got that real convincing pic even when i told her to double check it again. I A. now ok with the fact it could be a boy i actually would just like another boy throwing a girl into the mix now would just be weird!! Good luck and there is no harm in any of your feelings!!! Congrats and i hope everything goes and has been going smoothly.