Sad for My Granddaughter Vent/question Long Sorry

Take your grand daughter out for a special fun day.
Just you and her.
Make that a tradition with ALL of your grandchildren.
You cannot control what your daughter does or does not do with/for her kids.
Sad, though, I agree.
Sounds like she treats them all with equal nonchalance--it's just the older O. that has his grandparents looking out for him.
Good luck.

I think you need to sit down with your daughter and tell her in no uncertain terms that as of now, she is fired from birthday duties and you're taking over. She can either get on the train or get run over. You will get the class lists, you will book a place and send out invitations, you will pay for the party and be a gracious host and ensure that everyone has a good time. She's your daughter and should know when you mean business.

We had to do this with my SD's mother after she failed to come through on the always-promised birthday party or experience year after year. The year my SD turned 8, we just went ahead and planned her party and have done so ever since. Before we got custody of her last year we only had her on her actual birthday every other year so we would just plan her birthday party a week earlier.

Clearly this is an area where your daughter isn't going to get her sh*t together so just take over from here on out.

For this year...I would try to plan something special that the two of you can do so that she has some good memories of someone she loves making this a special day for her. Maybe you two could go out shopping or to lunch or a movie or something. Poor girl - she's lucky to have you!

I would either start volunteering to help at the school or volunteer to "help" your daughter by signing your grandchild up for an activity like Girl Scouts or something she'd enjoy. Tell your daughter you're doing it for her to help out while she's looking for her nursing job. Then you can get to know some of your granddaughter's friends.

Tell your daughter you're starting a tradition where you take the birthday grandchild out to celebrate. Next time your granddaugther has a birthday, invite her out but also invite one of her friends. Then you can have a mini party. She'll be 10, and at that age my daughter loves to do things with just one friend.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's hard to see something happening and you can't do anything about it.

Bless you for being a loving and involved grandma. She needs one! The birthday party seems to be an example of a bigger issue: this little girl does not have parents who are engaged in her life in the ways they should be. I agree with all the posts who mentioned how important you are to her. It seems like you are her primary emotional caretaker. God bless you for that and please continue taking care of her in the ways you are. I worry about her not being fed when she is at her dads. Child protective services would not be too thrilled with that. If it continues it might be worth looking into making sure he can take care of her when he has her. Going hungry for extended periods of time not only does physical harm but also emotional.

It sounds like your daughter didn't convey that the event was actually a birthday party.... I mean no presents is one thing but if no one even said happy birthday to your granddaughter??

Grandmas special birthday day is how you should go. You don't have to spend a lot of money... just shower her in attention and love.

Take her out for some Grandma time. Make it her special day.
Take her and get a manicure or something fun and a nice dinner, lunch. If it falls on a weekday, make it the next Saturday. Make it a tradition.
She will remember the love and the time. When she is 45 she will be the one who takes care of you and dote on you.

And try not to be so hard on mom. I think people are just in their own worlds anymore. Birthday parties are important to kids. It wasn't your daughter's fault the kids didn't show up or were picked up early.

It is sad, but honestly it's not your daughter's fault that those three girls were unreliable. Yes, the previous birthdays sucked for your granddaughter which is so sad but I think you are misplacing the blame this year. I personally don't think a child needs to have a birthday party with friends every year. We do a small family celebration (gifts and cake, no decorations) with the 3 relatives that live closest to us and that's enough for us.

If I were the mom, I would do a birthday party do-over next year since this year's didn't turn out as expected but then stick to family celebrations. Maybe you can start a special tradition with your grandchildren for their birthdays that makes them feel special and they can look forward to.

You can have a one on one day with your g-child. Say that you wanted to celebrate the fact that you have such a special one of a kind g-daughter born to your family. And it's just for you! I would start out by saying "am going to start a new family tradition and the celebration is on a surprise day every year! Grands birthday parties to celebrate my g-kids. It doesn't have to be expensive- sandwiches and sightseeing. baking cookies, crafting, the point is to give her and only her the attention. Of course this means you will have to schedule these special g-child b-days for all of the g-kids. Leave your daughter, the father, friends and everybody else out of it. Sounds like she can't depend on them anyway. No point in foster false hopes for future hurts. But it sounds like you are there for her. And you can let her know and feel that. Anyway, that's my take on it. Hope you find your answer

I usually always agree with Dawn, but in the case I must say, never go behind your daughters back where her children are concerned. She will not trust you.

Instead I do agree that you should volunteer at her school. The other children will get to know you as her grandmother and their parents will also get to know you. You all will build a repore with her school and they will accept all of you. This will help your granddaughter socially.

I agree that there must have been a break down of communication.. No gift, not knowing it was a sleep over, all sounds a bit shifty.

From now on see if you can assist in the planning, or take your granddaughter with a little friend to the movies, the park, shopping.. whatever it is she likes to do.

Or have her do sleep overs at your house, especially once your daughter gets a job. I bet there are going to be some long shifts where she will need you to babysit.

Do plan other types of parties every once in a while.. not for the gifts but to gather the kids together.

Your daughter sounds a bit self involved. She never had a chance to mature and so she is missing some of those traits. She thinks of herself before her children. It is really her loss in the long run, but you can help your grandchildren learn empathy and self respect.

Sounds like you just need to step up to the plate and throw yourself into being this little girl's best friend. You clearly care for her and love her as your grand-daughter but sounds like she needs someone to take her under their wing and show her just how special she is. Not just at birthdays or Holidays but all year round. She is at an age that this will affect her long-term if she doesn't realize that she matters and if no one is building her ego. She NEEDS YOU. Whether it's special calls just for her, shopping trips, game time, including/ inviting her friends...whatever it may be, do something to help this poor child.

You probably can't change her Mom or Dad. The only you can change is your role in her life. I hope and pray that you take her under your wing and give her the attention and love she deserves.

Good luck.
N.

when I was a kid we always had 2 parties the one Grandma did and the one my Mom did....I always at least had one when my Mom didn't do it. Take her out for a special day, go to a museum or zoo, or even a local bounce house and maybe take her to a restaurant and have them sing and bring a special cake. Just a little something to say she is special. Sounds like she has had not such a stable, easy going time and needs a break.

I got tears in my eyes reading this. I want to slap your daughter. Don't sweat what is past. Think of something really fun you and your granddaughter can do together, all about her for her birthday, and definitely follow some other advice on how to get her involved in some good activities if that's doable going forward. The best thing you can BE for her is her very loving fun grandma who shows her all the love she's missing. In many ways, I relate to my grandmother better than my mother! My mom has turned into a right wing fundamentalist, and my grandma is living with her and a life long democrat. She's lonely. She's always been a great grandmother to me, and I stay close to her and we have a great relationship. I'm 41 now, and she's always been valuable to me. You can be that for your granddaughter. I'm so glad you're there for her.

Yes I would make a special day of fun for each of the grandkids where you go and take them to do something sepcial and celebrate their birthday. Take them out to eat have the restuarant come over and sing happy birthday. Surprise her with cupcakes at school. Call her and say you love her over and over and over. Made me sad to read that. She probably doesnt have to many friends either if no one showed up so on top of everyting she is probably a very lonely little girl. Can you talk her mom into letting her do an afterschool activity with you like girl scouts? It doesn't cost much but you will be ther and help her with the interaction of other kids. plus she will have fun, they have sleep outs make stuff etc

It sounds like your daughter DID step up:

She arranged a sleepover party, and out of her control, things went south.

You read about a LOT of those on these boards (no RSVPs and a ton of people show, or YES RSVPs and either last minute cancellations, or no shows). It happens. It sucks, but it happens to most of us at least once.

How to make things better, without making things worse:

Consider how YOU would have felt if the situation was on the other foot: YOU arrange a party for your daughter, and it's not "good enough" for your mom.

First off, your daughter's probably hurting over this. She can't control what happened last year at dad's, she's broke and out of work and just finished up school, and the party didn't go as planned, and her mom is pissed off at her. HOPEFULLY she hid her hurt from her daughter. It sounds like she'd planned on having things be JUST FAMILY this year, and already bent over backwards to change things to suit your vision of how things should be so that you wouldn't march in and take over upstaging HER plans with a big party at your house.

So how to make it better.... Look at things from HER perspective, and consider what would make YOU feel awful or better.

Condemnations about how nothing is good enough & usurping her rights as mum/ anger at what already happened/ disapproval/ disappointment? Or .... ___________________?

I actually have tears in my eyes. You sound like a very loving, sweet Grandma and Anna is very lucky to have you. Wanting to have a special night for her and having it turn out that way was probably hard for both of you. I don't agree that your daughter "came through" for your grand-daughter the way she could have. It sounds like she has a lot on her plate but there were other ways to handle it so she could ensure that the celebration was a success.
When my girls have any important get together that involves a small number of guests I call the parents of each kid (or for my oldest she calls) and make sure they are available and want to come on a particular date, if not enough can come that day we change the date or change the plans. Often parents don't realize that their child is only one of three or four and by not responding or pulling out last minute they may leave you without a party at all. By speaking directly with the parents it's also a chance to let them know it's a birthday celebration with only a few guests.
It also sounds like this little girl needs you. Mom sounds overwhlemed and maybe she is self absorbed as you mentioned. I can imagine being a single Mom of two can be very tough and she may not realize how important certain things are to a little girl. You still have some time to do something to celebrate. Take her to lunch, a museum, park, movie or do something special together.
My Mom recently past away and both my girls are greiving deeply for her. While we are all devastated we talk a lot about how blessed they are to have had such an awesome Grandma who spent so much time with them. There really is no realtionship like a grandparent/grandchild and it has little to do with expensive parties or spoiling. Keep developing a strong realtionship with both your Grandchildren and you will be giving them something much more important and lasting than a party. Family realtionships like that develop children in a positive way that will last a lifetime.

S., I'm sorry for both you and your granddaughter. I'm sorry for you that you have such a non-caring daughter - I am sure you raised her better than that.

Here's what I recommend to you, IF you can do this. Get involved in her school. Go over and volunteer with her class. Get to know the kids. Do this now, and then try to give a Christmas party at your place for her. Tell her quietly during that party (not before), that now that you know the kids at school, this can take the place of her birthday party.

Don't let your daughter say no. SOMEHOW get that little girl over to your house for this party, even if you have to fudge it to your daughter.

You can be this child's champion. It seems no one else will be. What kind of father gets drunk while having his child over and doesn't feed her? Dear Lord.

You don't have to talk to your daughter about everything regarding her children. You just do what you need to in order to keep this child close. If you don't, SHE will end up looking for love in the arms of some boy, pregnant at 17, since she knows her parents don't care much for her. And this sad cycle will just repeat itself.

Hugs to you,
Dawn

I would take your granddaughter out for a grandma/granddaughter day for her birthday. Make it about the two of you and not anybody else. I'm so sorry she's gotten shafted on her special day. It's not the 9th yet. You still have time to give your granddaughter something on her birthday.

FWIW, my sister's 7th was a complete bust. NO ONE came, though several had said they would. It was horrible. But it was not Mom's fault. She had been told kids were coming. Try not to hold your daughter at fault for the other kids and their parents.

oh, I am so sorry!!!! I am not sure how to "fix" things. Maybe you could plan a special day, you and your grand daughter and maybe 1 or 2 of her close friends and maybe go out to lunch, or a fun trip to the movies or something. I wish I had a better idea. This is so unfair for your grand daughter and for you as well. Maybe you can plan a small get together at your house for her?

If I were you, I would invite your granddaughter to spend birthday-grandma time with her. You can make it up to her then, maybe take her shopping (at her age she's probably into fashion mommy cannot afford). I'm sure the one on one time will mean more to her than anything else. She's lucky to have you in her life. Good luck.

My boys and I have never done birthday parties. We beleive that birthdays are for family.

So, since her mother is doing a crappy job of being a mother at the moment (which might be understandable, considering her employment situation), set up a Grandma and Grandaughter Day.

My boys and I do something one-on-one for birthdays. I usually take my son to a decent hotel and we go out to dinner, find something fun to do (like and arcade or swimming) and then watch movies, eat snacks, and stay the night. In the morning we order room service for breakfast, pack up and go home. We usually do a birthday dinner with the rest of the family where there are cake and gifts.

It sounds to me like your daughter needs to get her priorities straight. Yes, work/employment/income IS important...but children are MORE important. We are so quick to get them out of our houses...but what we don't think of is that once gone, we cannot get their childhood back.

I agree this is sad for your granddaughter. Unfortunately there are always people who don't RSVP & always people who can't come no matter how many you invite. Even though the party didn't work out, you can still make her actual birthday feel special to her. And it doesn't have to be expensive. You could go to her house & make something special for breakfast or bring donuts. A lot of schools don't allow birthday treats for the classroom but many do allow you to bring lunch in for your child/grandchild on birthdays. My daughter's birthday falls when there is no school but parents of her friends have brought things like McDonalds, Subway, Portillos. They may even allow you to stay & eat with her if she would like that. Or you could take her to dinner, bring dinner to her house or order pizza. It doesn't have to be an expensive restaurant - kids are usually happy with anything. You & her Mom & sister could make homemade birthday cards or a "Happy Birthday" sign. Make a cake for her. Make sure she gets a present if you can. Again, it doesn't have to be expensive. I'm sure she will be happy just to have something to unwrap. You could make cookies or cupcakes with her and have her & sister help decorate. It's definitely not too late. There is usually something at a party that doesn't work out anyway but you can definitely make her feel special on her birthday. Good Luck & I hope she has a wonderful golden birthday!