My 4 year old son goes to day care 3 days a week, half days and will be starting VPK next school year. Since he was 1 my mother-in-law has kept him half the week and my mother keeps him the other half of the week since my husband and I both work outside of the house. He has a great relationship with both of his grandmothers. For over a year, my MIL has picked my son up from day care twice a week, the same 2-days a week. As soon as my MIL is spotted at the door my son screams at the top of his lungs, throws a tantrum and cries all the while he is screaming that he doesn't want to go with grandma. Now it's at the point where other kids in his class tell my MIL that my son doesn't want to go with him. She is embarrassed and hurt by his action. We have known of this issue of a while, every morning on the way to school I give my son a pep talk about how much grandma loves him and how he needs to show her how a 4 year old acts. I am working with his teachers with a positive reinforcement sticker chart and now the school thinks it might be best to move him to the lobby after lunch and wait to be picked up there so that the other kids don’t encourage his behavior. I’m at my wits end. I have offered to pick my son up and bring him to her but she believes that this will only be giving in to my son and allowing him to “run” our lives and not show him how to respect his grandmother or anyone for that matter. Both my husband and I have asked my son what the problem is and he said that he doesn’t like that grandma makes him take a nap after school because he would rather watch TV. We’re not against TV but we believe our son needs a nap in the afternoon and he always falls asleep so my MIL is just following our wishes. We always tell him that he does not need to sleep but just have some quite time after school. He actually falls asleep in the car ride home from school on most days. Anyhow, I am at a total loss as to what to do. My own mother picks up my son from school once a week with zero problems. He runs and hugs her; he looks forward to the day of the week she picks him up. I don’t know the difference. My mother puts him down for a nap also but as usual he knows he doesn’t have to sleep. At home on the weekends, he naps without a problem also. His time and routine is not new with my MIL. She is not strict with him, in fact she is a retired school teacher and they spend the afternoons making crafts and reading together. He always has a good time with her but at school he acts out. I know this is a long entry but I am really lost as to what to do and any suggestions would be helpful.
If I had to guess at what's "going on" I'd say that quite possibly the rules at your MIL's are a wee bit stricter than at your mom's? LOL
I think reality is just crashing down on your son and he knows he can't pull anything over on your MIL. I do think she's right to continue picking him up as usual.
Can she do something like "Wait til you see what I brought in the car?!" and have a little snack/fav toy there?
Good luck!
Hi D.,
Just a few suggestions:
1) Either have him nap in both houses or don't have him nap at all. Perhaps your son is starting to outgrow nap time. Tell him that if he doesn't nap but feels tired to tell grandma and she'll read a story, massage his feet, play soft music for quiet time. Let him have the "power" to choose.
2) Your son as most children do function well with routine, perhaps the routine is different at your mom's. I would check into what she actually does (step by step). I would also see what routine your MIL does when he is there. Compare both to understand what works and doesn't work for your child. The difference could be subtle to you but important to your son.
3) Introduce a reward system to your son for a smooth pickup time with MIL.
Tell him that MIL will have a small reward/toy etc. waiting in the car for a quiet and happy pick-up time if not no reward. The reward should be given immediately after he gets into the car. Have MIL thank him for his great behavior and tell him why he is getting the reward. You are trying to change his behavior at this point. As time goes on, you move from the reward in the car to the reward at home. Then slowly less and less the reward is given at home. By then the behavior should have changed.
Does your mother not make him nap? Maybe instead of calling it a nap, it can just be a rest. He lays down for 30 min w/a book or small toy and if he falls asleep-great, if not he maybe he is outgrowing his naps. Mine did away with naps by 3.
I think that you should tell your son that the nap is what you and your husband want him to do and grandma is following the rules that you have given her. As your mom what she does exactly and see if your mother in law does the same thing. She is right that you should still let her pick him up. I think it's funny that kids tend not to like the person that holds them accountable for their actions. Maybe grandma can not ention the nap and have playtime for 30 mins before the nap. That might put your son at ease and he might take the nap anyways.
Pick him up and take him to her house. Why have HER run your life. It does NOT have to make sense, something is upsetting, on some level he really isn't aware of, and this is like torturing him.
You can pick him up and solve this for him& "for him" is your responsibility.
best, k
4 years old is beyond napping for many kids. My kids were not able to nap on most days past age 2. We did quiet rest time for awhile at age 3, and they'd actually fall asleep only every once in awhile. But at age 4, they had just totally outgrown it. And we happily settled for putting them to bed a little earlier. Are you quite sure your Mom isn't letting him watch TV or videos during his "quiet time?" I might decide to allow a little TV viewing during his quiet time IF he stops acting out at preschool pick up, as a reward for better behavior.
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Have the 2 grandmas sit with you and and compare their schedules side by side. See where they differ. See what breaks in routine could be bothering him.
Also, just a nagging thought, but does your MIL have someone around the house who could possibly be molesting your son while he is supposed to be "napping". You may want to talk to your son about that, what happens during nap time at grandmas, I hope it isn't the case but it would explain his intense emotional reactions :(
