Remaining Friends...

It sounds like this divorce is going to be very hard on him and I think the sooner you can live separately the better. As long as you're still in the same home he can more easily believe it may still work out somehow. I mean, if you weren't living together then he wouldn't really know where you are and what you're doing all the time and this wouldn't be an issue.

i think you're pretty awesome.
i guess he's still not quite where you are, and might have more pissy or sulky episodes ahead when it thunks in that you're NOT going to get back together.
but i think you're handling it really, really well.
and i do think that ending up friends is perfectly possible. i have several friends who've done it. like you, they encountered rough patches, but made it work and their families are all so much the better for it. no one wins when there's a lot of rancor and negativity.
khairete
S.

One of you needs to move out, that right there could be sending mixed signals. Probably more in his part since he doesn't want the D and you do. Then I would probably take some sort of parenting class so that you both know how to parent but at the same time remain civil with one another. D is never fun! Good luck!

When you get divorced in AZ, you are required to go to a parenting class. During this class, the instructor said its IMPERATIVE that you do not still act like "friends" in front of your kids. You can and should be civil with each other, but nothing more. The reason for this is that he said no matter how old your kids are, 3, 13 or 30, they will ALWAYS want their parents to get back together. You both need to make it CLEAR to them that you are NOT getting back together (if indeed that is the case). All holidays, birthdays, etc, need to be separated. If your mutual friends have an event like a softball game, you can both go but go and sit separately.

You probably need to make it a priority to separate households ASAP. You need to sit down with your husband and get a plan in place and figure out separation. I did not take my divorce lightly nor would I suggest it lightly to someone else. Make sure you take EVERY step possible to save your marriage first. Good luck.

As long as you are living together and behaving as a cohesive family unit, I think he is going to hold out hope that you will work things out.

You need a clean break. No living together (I can see how it would be difficult for him to accept and act separated when you are, in fact, still together physically), no hanging out just for fun, etc. Once you are divorced you can start sitting together at your kids' soccer games and school plays but not now. It sends mixed messages.

There is only one way you are going to get your point across to your ex. And that is to move out! Or tell hm to move out. You can still be friends with your ex and still do things as a "family" if you want. But it will show your ex that you are serious. You are separated and will be getting a divorce.

You cannot be "best friends" right now. What you can be is civil. One of the things that happens when you divorce is that you don't spend as much time with your ex-spouse doing "family stuff." You each do family stuff with the kids, but not with each other.
The two of you need some physical distance, as in separate domiciles. Staying under the same roof is only enabling him to remain in denial, and isn't doing you, him, or the kids any good.

Please get yourself into counseling - I don't mean with your pastor, who seems to have an interest in trying to bring you back together, but with a counselor (or therapist?) who specializes in working with people going through divorce.

You can use a professional third party to help you work out what to say and how to say it when you feel your almost-ex is overstepping bounds. You may end up blurting things at him that damage any chance at a cordial relationship later; don't do that; get help in learning to express yourself in ways that are clear but also not confrontational. (Not that you did that yet -- but you want to avoid doing it, especially as you clearly are frustrated, and with good reason.)

Tell the counselor or therapist that he is in denial, and ask how you should cope with that and how to speak with him so he does not continue to have false hope.

Getting out from under the same roof seems truly crucial here. I'm sure there are good reasons of economics for living together, and reasons to do with your daughter. But as long as you and he see each other every single day, misunderstandings like the one you describe will keep happening. You truly need for one of you to move out, which is why moving ahead with a divorce, settlement (who gets to stay in your home? Where does your child live?) etc. is healthier than living together.

How old is your daughter? How much does she know about this separation and the impending divorce? As long as mom and dad live together it gives her an impression that you are together. I would get her into counseling too, with someone who works with kids of divorcing parents. It's possible that your near-ex is either going to give HER his false hopes ("Don't worry, mom and I are going to work it all out!") or, in a worse scenario, blame you for everything ("I wanted to keep our family together but your selfish mom tore us apart."). You really, really need to prepare yourself for how you'll talk to and deal with your daughter in either case. That's why professional help is needed.

I think that you need to see a counselor who deals specifically with separated/divorcing couples. You seem to have a good handle on it, but you can't expect that to just happen with others. There need to be new boundaries discussed and established. You can't expect him to just be where you are. There needs to be a definite break in the current relationship and a period of redefining your new relationship. You can't just flow from one arrangement to another. It's not fair to expect that of him when he doesn't want to do any of it. He's not being fully honest with himself about what's happening between you, so you'll need to draw firmer lines. Communication between you will need to be CLEAR, no room for misinterpretation. So he won't feel at a disadvantage because you're calling all the shots, a counselor will help him to see that new boundaries are vital. Right now, he's thinking "What could it hurt?" Nothing, with the right set of people. He doesn't get how important it is that you two send clear messages to each other.

There's "friends you hang out with" and "being friendly for the sake of getting along enough to coparent and be amicable."

I think you two are not on the same page. I think he still wants to try and you stuck a fork in it. You need to be upfront and honest that you'll work with him on things regarding the split and your child (like not causing a scene at her school play or being flexible with the schedule) but that you're not interested in hanging out for hanging out's sake and that he needs to talk to the extended members of the family about his own visits (and I think you should let them work out their own relationships). It will take time for everyone to find new roles and accept a new normal. If you are split, but living together, the next step is to separate physically and let people know that this is going on. Even very civil divorces hurt and you'll probably be in a fog for a couple of years. I think the first part of it is just to take everything apart so that you each have your own space, finances, time with DD, etc.

If you are going through with this divorce, you need him to move out.

You are deceiving yourself and everybody else. You can pretend that this isn't going to hurt like crazy for everybody involved, when you choose to just remove yourself emotionally. Doesn't work that way. Time to face the music. You've made your decision, that decision has consequences that you are not going to like. This is the barest tip of the iceberg.

Jerk that bandaid off and let the painful process of hearts breaking and healing start. You can't whine about little things if you have decided breaking the family up is in everybody's best interest.

I don't have a clue to his character or how his behavior effects your family.
But if it's bad enough to make this drastic a decision, you ought to have the courage of your convictions.

This sounds somewhat similar to what happened with some of my family members. Husband and wife with three kids. Their marriage was pretty much over 5 or 6 years before they actually filed the paperwork. The wife was sleeping in a different bedroom and they were fighting in the house a lot. They thought it would be best to stay together for the kids (which the kids tell me all the time they wished that they hadn't down that because the house was not a comfortable place to be). When their youngest went to college, the wife finally said "enough". That's when we started to realize that the husband had been living in denial about all this for a while. He agreed to allow his x-wife to live in their house since the kids would often come home from college to visit, but then he would just randomly stop by, or get things out of the garage. He would still call her about charged made on her credit card or from her debit account. He basically still felt entitled to comment or be involved in her life because he told people he was sure they would get back together. It wasn't until 2 years after their legal divorce that she finally made it clear to him - by selling the family home and moving into a much smaller place. She wasn't happy about leaving her neighborhood and all of her friends form the last 20 years, but she had to do it to show him that she was DONE. Since then, he has backed off an they are still ok with each other. They do not hang out, they don't have many mutual friends anymore, but when it comes to the kids they are pretty much on the same page and fine going to all of the kid's "stuff" like graduations etc. I think that until you move out, you aren't going to get what you want from this man...he is going to pursue you and try to fix things.

I think I get why you're still in the same house--finishing the school year, not completely upending your daughters life til that's over, etc.
I think he's just in a "limbo" state and on e he moved out, it WILL become real to him. And you will also find it easier to regulate the "family time" aspect.

I just don't understand the whole "we're sepearted but still living together" thing. I see it alot these days and I suppose it's more cost efficient - but really - how do you think it's going to work out if you're still living together?
How does that help your husband or kids? How do you think dating is going to work out this way?

Your husband is definitely in denial. He wants the marriage to work so he wants to spend time with you. That's how it is for people who want to be married.

I know you don't want to hear it - but unless he's abusive emotionally or physically I truly think people should do what's best for the kids. The kids did not asked to get in the middle of a divorce. And whether or not your kids say anthing, they would prefer their parents stay together. Being separaetly but still living together puts you in the situation where you are doing and saying things that are hurtful to your husband. Your kids see that and it is not what's best for the kids. So if you are determined to end your marriage then get it over with and tear off the bandage. Move out and stop bringing your kids through the middle of their parents emotions.

I understand it might be more expensive or inconvenient to move out. Or maybe your husband will get the kids becuase he can afford the house and you can't - and you don't want that. Whatever. The bottom line is that he wants the marriage to last and you don't. So unless you're chaning your mind you need to get it over with and get out of the house. Let your husband deal with the pain and eventually heal and get on with his life - even if he gets to keep the kids. That way there's no confusion about meeting up at friendly softball games, etc. You'll be coming and going from your separate home and he'll be coming from his.

If you don't like the thought that you won't be involved with your kids on an every day basis that's too bad - it's what happens when people don't want to be married anymore. Dragging this out is not good for your husband and especially not for your kids. Rip off the bandage and get on with it so everyone can deal with it.

Stop with the farce. You're not best friends, nor will you be, and you won't stay living together. Stop maintaining the status quo.

Really, someone needs to move out and get their own place. I suggest that the person who isn't going to maintain primary custody be the one to move so that the children aren't uprooted.

You're going to have to be blunt and forthright with him. Make it clear that you have no interest in working it out and that, while you don't want things to be crappy between the two of you, you also don't want to be his BFF. If you wanted him to be your BFF, you'd stay married.

ETA: Oh, and just a little tidbit of advice: File your divorce papers first. If you haven't been in to talk to your attorney yet, do so right away. And do not disclose ANYTHING to your soon to be ex. I promise you, it's not in your best interest.

He doesn't want the divorce and by remaining 'best friends' he is giving himself hope that he'll work his way back to being your hubby no matter what happens. Change is frightening and when you don't want the change that's going to happen it's worse.

If you are going to divorce then you need to move out and stop living as a couple. By staying you are giving him hope. It's mean to give him hope when there isn't any.

I think you are being very considerate of his feelings, which must be tough given that you are unhappy enough to not want to stay married. I'm sure this is quite an effort for you.

So you have known for quite a while that this marriage was over, but he has not. You have essentially processed this and dealt with it before you officially separated, he is just beginning. It's tough when you are both at different places in the process.

On one hand, it is wonderful that you are not being a jerk to him and hammering him with boundaries- this will come. On the other hand, he is likely talking about the best friend thing as a way to stay as close to you as he thinks he is now, in other words just renaming your relationship without anything having to change. What is harder to tell is if he will begin to deal with reality and adjust this thinking or cling even harder to it once reality really sinks in. You would know best.

I feel like it's ok to start kindly talking with him about how you hope to be able to have honest conversations about what the post-divorce relationship will look like. Dropping hints that you won't be going to so many events together and having him 'meet you there', etc. This will be your biggest clue as to how he will handle things as the process moves forward.

And you are not doing this because he necessarily deserves this kindness, but because you are going to have to co-parent with him and the better that relationship, the better for all involved. I don't think you need to be so blunt yet, I really don't. I think give things some time and see how he is adjusting- dealing with things or becoming more clingy. But now it is quite new for him, cut him some slack.

I had a friend who divorced her husband at her request. He did not want the divorce at all. She felt really guilty because he hadn't really done anything wrong (her admission, she admitted that she just found him boring and wanted more excitement at mid-life). So when he wanted to stay really close, she did for the longest time. They went to lots of events and parties together, and he was pretty happy. Then she started dating- he was crushed. They had never sorted out how things would go and what boundaries they would have. Once she got remarried, he did get pretty angry and it made parenting tough. I know this is different than your situation, but just to share someone else's experience... it was nice of my friend to give her ex some time and kindness, but she never went further when the time was right to have the divorce look like she wanted and needed.

Good luck!

You need to get the divorced drawn up ASAP, and set a date for him to be out of the house by. If he fails to move by that date then start looking for a new place for you and your child. As long as you are living together he still thinks there is a chance to fix things, and so he may drag his feel about moving out.

It is important to get along with the co-parent of your child, but that does not mean you have to be best buds. It is nice when you can share special times together and do some things still as a family still though, I know that my niece cherishes the memories she has of getting to do things with both parents even thought they were not together. But that does not mean doing everything together, it means maybe Sunday dinners, or a fun outing to a water park on a Saturday, ect, not everyday contact. You need to set your limits, but I agree you should walk carefully until everything is hammered out legally, hurt feelings could make things go sour quickly.

Have you seen a counselor about this? Has your husband acted this assuming, or managerial, or controlling, all the time?

You'll have to set boundaries firmly - and if you need help to do it, get the help.

Over time he will realize that yes, this is final. Over time you may meet someone new. He may meet someone new. It may take a year or more, but he will finally move on with his life. I guess if it were me I would be gentle to him about it. Divorce is so hard. It's great for your daughter that you can be friends at all. I would slowly distance myself more and more. Call less. But I'd be polite/kind about it. Moving out and having your own place will help with this. You will establish a schedule with our daughter and a routine. Then you won't have to be calling each other as much.

Good damn luck is what I think.

For most couples there is so much pain they shoot for civil and work through the inevitable rocky patches. For other couples being civil is beyond them and it devolves into a nightmare. Truthfully a divorce is a painful, difficult, gut wrenching, heart wrenching process and that's for those fully committed to ending the marriage. For those partners still interested in fixing things, it will be a lot more difficult and will involve a lot more fall out.

It’s time to separate houses and lives, giving everyone the space they need to end this marriage and see what life looks like on the other side. How my husband and his ex interacted changed every year; the first year was bad, years two and three were almost unbearable but going into years 4 and beyond it is hitting a new, endurable, functioning normal. They have gotten to a civil point but they are not friends. This scenario is true for most divorced couples I know. The older they get and the more distance they get from the divorce the more friendly they can act but they are not friends.

I don't believe exes can be best friends. My own parents lived together while separated and it made things much harder for my older brother when they did split. They were able to remain civil-never spoke poorly of or to each other in front of (not even when I eavesdropped) us kids. He still attended family functions with her family (with us). But they never hung out or did friendly things. There needs to be boundaries.
I'm going through a transition with my step kids getting used to mom having EOW visitation after none. Now mom wants to present a united front and be more involved. She needs me to pick her up for soccer games and events at the school-because tge kids want her there. Its going to be addressed and a clear calendar will be drawn up. I am not a chauffeur nor do I wish to have lunch with the kids mom. I can be an adult-but not a doormat!!!

YOU are separated; he is not. He is humoring you in hopes that you will "see the light" and take him back. A physical separation is necessary and will not be easy. Be prepared; once he's hurt, he will likely fight. It might not be the pretty little divorce you are anticipating. My husband dealt with this with his ex. While they were still living together (until she could find a place) it was all "we'll be friends and be civil for the sake of our son" which he truly intended. Once she moved out and realized he was going through with the divorce/moving on, she got pissed and all bets were off!

What do I think? I think your husband will not go quietly. Sigh. Continue to set up boundaries for yourself. He will not respect them, so it will be up to you to enforce them.

I predict that months from now, you will be posting about how you can't get him to move out, and he won't agree to sell the house. I'm not blaming you for any of this. I'm just saying you are in a difficult situation, and it will get worse before it gets better. Hang in there!

I think you have something worth fighting for. Falling back in love with someone you don't want to love is so very very hard.

I had a long time where I wouldn't have cared if my hubby fell down dead. Would have made my life a lot easier.

We did counseling and worked through a lot of issues. I felt better but still didn't love him again yet.

I kept working on why I felt that way and found a lot of resentment towards him. I have gotten through most of that and find that I do respect him and care for him. I love him, not like a school girl crush infatuation but I do love him as a person.

I think your heart has the ability to do what you tell it. It sounds like you need someone to talk to that will help you search deep in your heart. Not loving someone that you did have those feelings for has reasons.Something happened.

I understand being done. I was done years ago but here I am, still married, raising grand kids with this man that irritates me to no end sometimes, I don't have that pitter patter heart beat when he enters a room any more but I love him and respect him. I might not ever find anyone who'd treat me so well if I did leave so I could go out and find my own way in life.

Personally, I think neither one of you are serious. If you were truly "done" as you said, you would move out. If you can still live in the same house with him, you are not "done." Also, if you were "done" you would be letting people know loud and clear. You're not doing that. And, you are also confusing your daughter. She probably doesn't know if you guys are coming and/or going. You are going to cause trust issues between you and she if you keep playing this game. She will start to think she can't believe what you say because your actions belie your words. Actions speak louder than words!

I didn't read the other responses, but stop attending things as a "family". You're sending your husband and child mixed messages. You need to start separating your lives across the board. I realize you're trying to minimize the pain, but you're making it worse. You're pulling the band aid back so slowly its just prolonging the pain. Divorce sucks! It's hard for everyone even when its amicable, but just do it and be done. He needs to go through the phases of dealing with this (so do you) and he can't as long as you're still pretending you're together. My ex wanted us to be like the show "Reba" and be close friends, but that's not real life.

You're either together or not - pick which it is.