Relationships

Hi C.,

I don't know anything about you, your boyfriend or your unique situation, but I can offer a little advice that was given to me after I had my baby. After I had my Sweet Pea, my husband and I began to fight a lot too. We have very different parenting styles, along with a whole host of things that make us two completely different people. I think we realized that the only thing we have in common in our unconditional love for our daughter and our love for each other. Things are really rough after you have a baby and it takes a lot of time to adjust to your new lifestyle, it really does change everything. I too was a completely different person before I got pregnant- my entire value system changed and I also see things in this world completely differently now- including my husband. After I opened up to my friends about my fears that my husband and I were really not compatible ( I really thought I hated him for awhile), all my friends that had already had kids told me that they had gone through the same thing- all of them! And things do start to get better with a lot of work, patience, and compromising. You can't change him and he can't change you, but if you both can respect each other enough to live with the differences, then you can stick it out. UNLESS it is hurting your daughter in any way- if you think she is being affected by it, then you really need to do some deep thinking. But if this is strictly between you and your partner, then maybe you should stick with it and work really hard to find some common ground. If you end up together, you will be very happy you did and your daughter will have the benefit of growing up living with both her parents. If not, at least you tried and didn't give up without a fight. Just remember, it could take a couple years to find your groove. Good luck...R.

My single advice is this - if you don't work it out with this guy the same problems will arise with your next guy. Parenting is really hard and we all have our own method of doing it. ACCEPT the differences, find common ground and define your area of expertise and his area of expertise. Then focus on your partnership - that is THE most important thing you can do for your children. Peaks and valleys.
I divorced the father of my two sons and have since remarried to a man who has never had children and we don't plan to have any of our own. He likes my sons but will never love them as much as their dad and I love them.

I don't know how long you and your boyfriend have been together, but I'm assuming long enough. I agree in that having kids does change a person, probably more so the mother than the father. My only suggestion is that you and your boyfriend might need some time to be together without the kids. Perhaps you need to be reminded of the reasons why you and your boyfriend are together and if those reasons are strong enough to bridge the differences you feel in your parenting styles. I believe that two different parenting styles can work in the family. It's a matter of comprising and supporting each other. And instead of emphasizing the differences in parenting styles, perhaps you can look at how your parenting styles can compliment each other's.

C.,

My husband has a son from a previous marriage (15 now) and we have three kids of or own. We too, have differing parenting styles and have some challenges being on the same page at times at times. What helped me and him ultimately was taking early childhood family education classes (ECFE)

I would highly recommend you and your boyfriend consider taking some ECFE classes. They offer both day and night programs. The classes are set up with some play time together with parents and kids and depending on the age, then they provide a separate time for adults to have parenting discussions.

MN is one of the most progressive states that provides early childhood education and the growth and support you gain from these programs is priceless. Plus the fees are very reasonable and they do offer some financial assistance if needed. Just search ECFE or look at your own city's public school information and it should note something about ECFE.

The idea behind the classes is to education parents on the many styles of parenting and different technics for various challenges, with a focus on the joy of your kids and your role as the most important mentor for your child's life.

I would say try to find a class you both can go to at the same time -- it may help if you hear the same thing at the same time. (Although, I don't know how outspoken or comfortable your boyfriend is in small groups, so he may be less expressive in a class with you initially, but none the less the benefits of sharing this class together is really good) However, if not possible, take a class yourself and then encourage your daughter's dad to take one with with his daughter separately.

He has an equally special responsibility to nurture his daughter (though it is different than his relationship with his son) and these classes will help him understand the challenges that girls may face and as a father how he can be part of helping his daughter grow to be a strong individual.

Otherwise, if you are both more of the reading type, have him read, "How to father a successful daughter". The author also wrote, "How to mother a succesful dauther" about 12 years following the first book, so I encourage you to read this book too.

Don't let him or yourself be fooled into the idea that you know it all when it comes to parenting and so you don't need ECFE. These programs are for all -- young parents, older parents (I took that classes with my first child when I was 35), single parents, one child, multi-children, special needs kids, raising boys, raising girls, raising blended families, etc...

Good luck
S.

C. ,

You have to do what you think is best. I have been there done that with my husband. We weren't fighting over parenting styles but rather over what responsibilities come with having kids. Like not being able to go out and get completely trashed then come home at 2am (or later) and still be able to take care of the kids properly. I think that the sooner you decide if you can see past his differences or not you will feel so much better. It took me moving out and signing a lease for the last 6 months for my husband to see that its not worth loosing his family just so he can continue to party like he used to.

Good luck with whatever your decision is. Once you make your choice know that it is the right one and will be what is best for you AND your daughter.

Jess

Hi C.!
I was a family therapist before I had my girls. I think it's important that you and your boyfriend get on the same page with parenting regardless of whether or not you stay together. If you have insurance, I would recommend finding a family therapist (LMFT is the title your looking for). In a few sessions, s/he can help you figure out your differences and develop some consistency for your daughter. Even if you split up, the inconsistency will just create problems- usually whining, temper tantrums, etc. If insurance is a problem, there are TONS of books on parenting. Let me know if you want more help!
P.S. - we're out of town this week, so I won't respond til next weekend probably.
J.

Well I have the same problem but I've stuck with it. I think its normal to disagree especially with children. I would reccomend going to counseling and tell the mother to stay out of your parenting styles. She did her job as a mother, now its your turn, there your kids not hers.
Me and my husband are going to see a counselor because we cant seem to work out our differences. This is our final step. We dont want to seperate because we want our child to have us both. If you got along fine before, I wouldnt give up, I know a lot of people who have regreted it later. Just try a counselor to see if that will help you guys. You have to both bend, its both your child and you should both have a say as to how you want to raise him. I think a counselor will help put things in a positive perspective.
Good Luck to You,
K.

do you get out for you time I found this made a big difference in my marriage when I was able to be me

I know as you get older things change big time. I was with my daughter's dad from 16-21 years old and by the time we were 21 we were so completely differnt we had nothing in common anymore and it got rough. It seems rigth after about 19 or 20 ppl really change. My daughters dad and I were inseperable and two peas in a pod. I now can't stand his personality or him. We have been broke up for 5.5 years now and I don't regret it. I've also changed ALOT and even a big change in my own parenting from the time my daughter was a toddler to now she's a 5 year old. I use to be crazy and wild and now I'm all about respect and manners etc.

Hi C.! I am, of course, no therapist, but I wanted to offer my opinion. Firstly, at LEAST your boyfriend HAS a parenting style :) I have a lot of younger friends with kids, where the dads don't want ANY involvement. I think it's important to remember that you were both brought up differently, in different households, and it's easy to think that the way YOU were raised is the best (I'm definitely guilty of that). It's really hard to accept someone else's parenting style when it's different than yours, but like someone else said, there's nothing wrong with differing styles, I've heard it's actually good for kids. I am definitely the more strict parent (I can also tend to be over-controlling and worried about details too often) and my husband is much more relaxed. The kids need a change from me to him. The only thing I am INSISTENT about being the same about is a set list of guidelines and consequences. If you both communicate the things that you think are the MOST important that your child does/does not do, and you both discipline accordingly if those MAJOR rules are broken, (like hitting, etc.) then at LEAST you agree on something...and let the little things go. Try to pick your battles. About the rest of the things you disagree on....try to take at least 1/2 hour every day about things you or he feels need to be discussed, and do it in a discussing manner, not an arguing one. That way, when instances arise, you will have already talked through it instead of arguing about it in the heat of the battle. I would say definitely keep trying, we've all been through something like this at some point in our relationships. You're not alone! Good luck!!

I can sure relate. I am more of a strict parent and my husband is more of a push over. I just saw on channel 4 that different parenting styles is not a bad thing. The advice I would give you is to not argue in front of your baby. You and him need to sit down and come to an agreement on what to do under certain situations, and do this witout her around. Make a date out of it. Now I'm not sure if I got this right but it seems like you argue about his son and his mom. DON'T do it, I had BIG issues with my husband son and even at time his mom. I aslo argued with him about them and at times said harsh things about them. What I had to come to terms with is that he had them longer than he had me and our daughters. Every time you bring up his son and mom in a negative way it will only make him either shut down or get deffensive. If that happens the conversation is already ruinned. Now I'm not saying you don't have the right to feel the way you do about his son and mom but talk to your girlfriends about it when he's not there. If you don't have that option type it up on your pc (and delete it) this will help blow off steam. Things do get rough but they also get better. You don't want him to resent what has been said about his family. Remember it takes two to argue and it's better (and harder) to walk away and blow steam than to attack him. This also goes for him as well. Well I've rambled on and on but I hope this helps.

I am the same age. I have a daughter who is 2. My fiance, her father, has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship. Becoming a mother was terrifying and emotionally exhausting for me. I wasn't ready to settle down and surrender to responsability. I felt like I had no control. Like I didn't own my life. I became hyper about the way my boyfriend did EVERYTHING, including the way he fathered my daughter and his son, the way that he interacted with his son's mother. I accused him of taking my life away from me and ruining the way I thought parenting was supposed to be.

Since then, I have calmed down. I am having more fun as a mother. The most important thing for me to realize is that my man wants me to be happy, and he listens to me when I'm upset about something. There were times that he did not respect what I was saying, but that was because I was being completely irrational. I trust his judgment and respect him, so now I'm able to see when my feelings are out of line.

It's really important for young parents to get away from the kids and go do the things you did together before. It's also important for you to feel like your daily life is remeniscent of who you two used to be. I've been increadibly more happy and easy-going since I've started to pursue the fashion career that I had in mind before I became pregnant.

Now we are getting married in August. Stick with it, Cystal. Your relationship will be so much more meaningful after you get through the though stuff. Just make sure you communicate everything, and don't let bad feelings stay inside. Respect your boyfriend, listen to his opinion, and you'll have a better platform to voice your own opinions.

I have to say that at one point in my relationship to my husband it was the same way. We both have very different ways of parenting. He came from a family where growing up alot was being done for him. Me on the other hand was alot different. It is ok to have different parenting styles. I am the strict one, not mean or anything, just strict. My husband is a push over. However when it comes to disipline he does do it and does it correct.
I would need to ask, and maybe you can ask yourself this, why the other mother bothers you so bad now? Is she butting in on your parenting style? Is she telling you how to parent? And why do you fight about the son? Maybe trying to figure out why those things are so touchy now as opposed to before, you will find the root of things. Be more open to talking calmly to him about your differences. I know that after my daughter was born my husband and I would fight a lot about stupid things. My daughter for the first 6 months heard us fight. We even fought while I was carring her. After that when we would fight and yell she would not blink, it didnt even phase her that we were fighting. Most kids would have cried or something. After seeing how our fighting for so long affected her we stopped doing it in front of her or while she was up. Then we TALKED not yelled and discussed things. I know that its going to be hard to hear stay with it, but I think that you and your boyfriend need to speek to a counselor, or speek to your preist, pastor or someone that does not know the two of you and can give you advise with out being personally involved with you. I know that what you are going through is very difficult so if you every feel like you need someone to talk to call me ###-###-#### I would love to just be there to listen. I know sometimes its important to just call and get things off your chest and then maybe telling someone besides your boyfriend will be helpful. Good luck and call if you need an ear to listen to you vent.

hi! I have three children and I went through postpartu depression with all three. Your hormones, your mind, and body all are fighting against each other especially if you are feeling fat, bloated, etc. You need to see a doctor whats important is that you feel okay with you and not irritated with the world! That is the first sign your hormones are out of wack and need antidepressants just to get through.

It is amazing how your thoughts & views change when you have a child..? I went thru the same type of situation. I would try to explain your thoughts and views when it is a good time for the both of you to discuss such an important topic. I know that from experience you deserve to be happy and if you & your boyfriend cannot get along daily it will affect your child.. If you two cannot get on the "same page" or work on it it may be time to change your living situation..? The child feels & senses more than we think and they know when you r unhappy. So I'm not trying to tell you to leave your boyfriend but really really think about your future and whats best for you & daughter. I know that I just now after 4 years of living in that same type of sitaution have seperated from my boyfriend & I have a 5 yr old daughter & 3 1/2 yr old daughter that dont understand why daddy isn't living with us. But I am happier and I can already see the change in my girls that they r happier--It was real hard to get to that point but I just realized with this new year that I dont want to chalk-up another year of unhappiness trying to keep my family together when all of us were "really" unhappy..? My goals were different than his & in reality I cannot make him change. He is who he is & I looked at him totally different before the kids were born. Isn't that too bad for me. But its the truth.
So I dont know if I helped at all but I do sympathize w/you..

Have you ever thought that maybe this has nothing to do with having different parenting styles? I have learned to see things from a totally different perspective and sometimes it takes something else (like having a child) to bring out the truth. Sometimes we all just need a wake up call. I myself, was once married to a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Of course we all have our differences and everything, but I was the type of person who didn't get bothered by much (so I thought). When I had my daughter though wow, did things make a turn for the worse. I thought it was so many other things like him not feeding her right or not changing her right or not heating her bottle right and all that. I found anything I could that I could nag at him for. In most ways I couldn't help it. I'd see or hear him do something and it wasn't the way I would so I'd snap. Little did I know... it really had nothing to do with that at all. When I was pregnant with our son I ended up filing for divorce, he was cheating, we were fighting too much and so on. I started college again to work on my psychology degree and learned a lot about myself and what had happened. We all get into relationships, but when you get into them young though it is different and you see things differently. Its like this world has one big competion going on to see who can get the best and make things work the best. At young ages we also see "true love" differently. Sometimes we really don't know what it is. We get into relationships but can't get out because we just feel secure and we think that is love. THen we also don't want out because of the fear of being alone or having to raise our child/children on our own. Things were fine in the beginning with my husband and I even when we were dating. The little things never bothered me much at all but that's because nothing was there bringing it out. Many of us (especially women) tend to just let everything build up. We don't realize things bother us until something sets us off and we've had enough. I learned after my divorce and through much studing that the problems and signs were there all along, I just didn't see them or I should say "want" to see them. Having my daughter and lacking that sleep and being edgy sometimes made me let those bottled up things out. Made me open my eyes and realize that those things REALLY DO bother me. Made me see that I was always blaming having a child on changing the things that should have been changed long before. I knew he couldn't change the way he was... it was him and I was me. It wasn't his fault and it wasn't mine... we just really were too different but we were stuck... we didn't want people to think we couldn't make it. We didn't want to be apart because of our children, we didn't want to look like we failed, but when I look back I realized we were doomed from the start we just didn't see it. I couldn't expect him to change and he couldn't expect me to change. But, it wasn't our childrens fault, it wasn't our parenting style differences that were the problem... it really was us. Maybe your deal is just about parenting styles, but look inside though and see if it is other things that he says or does or whatever that irritates you too. See if it is the things he says or does with other stuff also. Take a long look because it may be more than you are seeing right now... it's hard to see clearly when you are on the inside.. sometimes outside perspective helps more. Ask someone close to you guys if they see things differently. LIke has the affection between the two of you changed much... do you talk the way you once did? Do you just enjoy eachothers company when you can. Do you miss him when he's not around? Do you think about him when he's gone? Do you still feel you can look him in the eyes and say "I love you" with the same sincereity that you once did? I realized I couldn't do those things after the fact and now it has made me see my new relationship with a whole new perspective. And going for a psychology major has made me realize how import communication is. Just sit back and watch him sometime... watch him either clean or cook or play with your daughter and see how you feel when you are looking at him. Do you feel annoyed or do you tell yourself "I have the most amazing man in my life."