Relationship with Parents?

I get really sick and tired of people who expect others (ie their kids) to save them from the poor choices they made in their lives! Ok, rant over. Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? If so then see this as a way to help them, not your parents. Sit down with them and see what, if anything, you can do to help them. And by can do I really mean are Willing to do - do not put your own family at risk to help them, but if there are things you can assist with that would help with the burden then try. Maybe you can watch your siblings kids so they can go to your parents house. Make dr appointments for your parents. Do the grocery shopping for them. Pay for a companion to visit one night a month so your siblings can have time off. Contact hospice to arrange some relief. Contact their church to see if someone can visit. In other words, see if there's a way you can help your brother and sister without having to see your parents. Good luck, and don't feel like a bad daughter, ultimately their choices and actions landed them where they are.

Have your life. If you were on good terms with them and still working two jobs and dealing with health issues, you would still need to take care of yourself first. If you have time to visit or do something, and you want to, fine, but don't be guilted into it. (I probably sound really harsh, but they don't sound like they acted like your parents when they had a chance, and can't expect you to drop everything and take care of them like they refused to take care of you.)

My advice ... walk away. You seem to have enough on your plate and do you want to teach your children that it is ok for family to walk all over you? You are teaching your kids that it is ok to treat people this way... that it's ok for her husband to walk all over her and treat her poorly if he buys her things and says "love you" periodically or that it is ok to do these things to her husband/children/family/strangers and that you are only kind to those that will get you what you want or need. Actions speak LOUDER than words. Explain to your children that we need to help Grandma and Grandpa learn that they made a choice to "disown" us due to thier own insecurities (teach them what this means) and that you have decided to honor thier choice even in thier poor health condition. You only want what is best for them (your parents), and you are teaching your children that they have to deal with the consequences of thier actions be they good or bad.

Forgive them. You've got to live YOUR life and cancer thrives on stress and turmoil. You've got to do what's good for you. You really need to sit and focus on what's going to do that. Depending on your relationship with your siblings, tell them (if they don't already know) what's happened, how you feel about it, and what you're going to do. You can NOT run yourself into the ground, but if once a week you've got a couple hours to spare (course, with them living 2 hours away, you'd need most of a day at least since it'd be 4 hours driving time)....so just explain that right now, your survival is more crucial to YOUR family than their needs. Forgive them and forgive yourself!!!!

At first thought, I would also agree to walk away. But then I realized, they also disowned your other sisters. If you can all work out some sort of plan to equally share the burden, to a degree that you can handle (physically as well especially with your cancer) that would be ideal. Perhaps in their aging, they have come to also have regrets... perhaps a relationship can be salvaged. Just so, do not allow your siblings or parents to walk all over you. Be firm, if the bs continues, then yes, you can walk away without the guilt of wondering what would of happened had you tried.

If I could re-write Suzanne W's response below, I would. I agree with her 100% -- with this caveat: If you can do this and live with your decision with a free mind -- meaning NO GUILT -- then do it. Stress will and does affect your health, esp. if you are living with cancer. So I think my ultimate advice would be to do whatever will be less stressful on YOU -- you are in survivor mode right now.

Food for thought: I know someone who was physically and emotionally abused by their father, as was his brother. At some point, one of the sons forgave the father and was there with the father during his last days. The other son could not forgive his father and was not there during his father's demise. The son who was not there has never forgiven himself and has had an absolutely horrible time coming to terms with the fact that he never made amends. He regrets it to this day.

This is what I mean about doing what is best for you. Think about what will be least stressful and painful.

Good luck, ok?

they sound like bad parents. let go of the bitterness..although you really dont sound bitter..i would be. decide what you want to do..have them in your life but they will probably have you jumping thru hoops. did they help you deal with your cancer? parents are supposed to love their kids unconditional it sounds like you got the fuzzy end of the lollypop.

Wow, that is a very difficult situation. Sorry you have to go through it. Honestly, I don't believe your parents have done much of anything in the past several years to earn your help. I know that's harsh, but they haven't wanted to spend time with you or your kids. I cannot believe that parents and grandparents would act that way. You've got a great example of what not to do with your own kids. I wondered the same question as the other poster - did they help you at all with your cancer treatments? If you choose to help your parents, you will add even more stress to your life. If you choose not to help your parents, you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.