Relationship Falling Apart! - Punta Gorda,FL

Went through this twice. Fake it 'til you make it! That's the best I can do for you. Usually once you get started, it all works out well. Good luck!

I don't know if you or your husband would be open to this strategy, but...

Break it down. A strange question - what exactly is it your husband wants out of sex? Think maybe of unmarried couples, who may be close enough for intimacy, for physical pleasure, but not necessarily, for practical/religious/phase of relationship reasons feel that full intercourse is the way to go. Yet most do find some entertainment on dates beside the movie! Now, he's got a partner who doesn't enjoy the same activities she did before - well, you have but to look at any sex manual to realize that there's a whole repertoire out there that doesn't appeal to you, or to him. Very few, if any of us, appreciate all the possible variations! So you need to work together on how to satisfy him without making you uncomfortable.

Neglected side of question - what do you want? The man wants to please you, and without some very stern guidance (yes, honey, this is so my idea of a good time it's my version of sex right now)he's going to keep making his best guess based on his needs, and it's not going to work. So help him out a bit.

Body issues or not - get involved in something creative, and something physical that you enjoy. Sometimes we need to come at that libido thing sideways.

This is hard to talk about and you were brave to post the question. But the thing is, children, body changes, lack of sleep, etc. do take a toll on our ability to have fun and enjoy ourselves - and we don't do enough about it. Good luck.

What the Dr told you is exactly why you go right now and find a new one! What a A@#!
Like everyone else said, get hormone levels checked. There are some meds out there, but first there are some wonderful lubrications out there too. I wonder if you looked on Oprah's website if you could find some information. She has doctors on fairly often specializing on this topic because it is so common. Think about what use to get you going and how you and your husband use to be. Talk to him very honestly and tell him you love him and you don't want to loose him. You know this is going on, you don't know why, but you really want to work it out.
Oprah had a doctor on just last week actually. She recommend lubrication and getting to "know" yourself again first. Start to feel something sexual and think sexual and maybe you will find yourself wanting something sexual with your partner.

Of course, a husband should not be threatening divorce over sex, that is another issue. Maybe the new Dr. could give you some literature on the topic for him to read so he can better understand and know that it won't last forever! Find out what he wants and think about what you want and try to get there. You have to talk about this so he doesn't think this is how it is going to be forever or that it is because of him! Good luck, this is really hard to get through, but you can.

What you need to do is get a NEW Doctor - I would suggest a FEMALE Dr who has had Children - The Women's Group is WONDERFUL - I LOVE Dr. Wahba (she actually is one of the reasons I had my youngest) and Dr. Butler - well she has seen me through some really wonderful and horrible times.

You also need to tell your current Dr - to go fly a kite and while he is at it - get his damn head out of the clouds and stop being an ***.

It is normal to have the hormonal issues - even years after a baby - you just need to get them kicked back into order so to say/

Hi L., I have sort of the same situation but mine is caused from anticancer drug and now menopause. But I do have a very handsome 4-year old grandson who we have custody of and praying to adopt next month. I sought out an OB/GYN who not only helped, but was female and therefore could identify with me better. Maybe try finding a female Dr. who can help and possibly refer you to someone. Fortunately, my husband and I will not ever divorce over this, but it has created (at times) some stress for both of us. Pray your husband will be understanding to your body changes. L.

L.,

I am going through something similar. I don't know your age, but I am 40. I got married at age 30 & wanted sex every day. Then after 2 yrs of marriage & car accident my libido dropped. My daughter is 19 months old. I just kept thinking that 6 weeks to heal post-partum is not long enough. I have no desire at all. Before I got pregnant, I got tested for early menopause. Obviously not the case especially since I go pregnant!! I have no answers. I have asked about testosterone my Dr. won't Rx it. She says it has to do with the relationship. I may be heading for divorce, but not because of that.

I am going to give you advice that may shock you, but "Fake it till you make it" This sounds very insensitive, but if you tell your husband that you have no interest it only makes things harder for him and you. Relax! Have some quiet time and make him feel like you are interested. It will make hime feel better, inturn he will treat yo better, and I promise you with time it comes back. I went through this not as part of post baby blues, but as part of I want another baby and don't think it will happen blues. I did what most women would never admit to, but faked a few nights. After a few weeks he started doing the things that I needed, being compasionate and now I love sex again. Good Luck!

My suggestion... get a new Doctor. Pref. a female dr. and have your testosterone levels checked. While it is true that some woment do go through it, not everyone does. Good luck.

L. I am so sorry to hear of your situation and I have to ask if you are taking any vitamins at all. Sometimes that helps and I hate to say it but excercise is a great help too! Even if your just walking 3-5 times a week it increases your blood flow in your body and helps you feel better from the inside out. Lots of luck hope this helps

It is time for a change!

I have been there, and am currently reaping the benefits from the advice I am going to share with you, L..

If you are having personal issues with your outward apperance, than you need to figure out a game plan to get back into shape.
Eating right and exercise will help increases blood flow and make you feel good all over, and I mean ALL over!! Making a decision to improve your overall health will increase your desire for the sex your husband is (i can only imagine!)begging for.
Take care of you, first! In the end, it will benefit everyone.

If you ever need to talk about this particular problem with a doctor again, I suggest you seek out another physician.
There are things out there you can do to spice up your love life.
Pick a 'Date Night' and stick to it!! No interuptions, no excuses! make it fun and relaxing, with no pressures.
If you and your husband have a good relationship other that the lacking of personal pleasure, I believe that he will work with you if you show that you are trying to make an attempt.

Good luck!

~ A. T. ~ =)

L.,
What you probably need to do is just what you will say you don't have time for. You have to be sure to get the sleep that you need. You have to have breaks for you and you have to spoil you & your relationship w/ your Husband.
Take time to do the special things. You & your Husband set aside date time. Do things that you love or maybe make it a romantic get away weekend.
If you need your Husband's help to do this sit down and explain to him why you are asking and what you are hoping for the 2 of you.
After the babu goes down for the night make it your private time & have your Husband agree that he will run interferance if your child awakens. Make that time a wonderful R&R. Maybe a bubble or oil bath. Good music Do whatever will relax & rejuvinate you. Ignore the phone and TV (news is horrible to tense you up).
Then on the physical side. I am sure you have had a good check up. Have your hormones checked to be sure they have gone back into balance. Follow a good diet and drink at least 64 oz of good water/day.

Good Luck!! Let is know how you do.

S.

Are you on the pill? I noticed that when I stopped the pill and we started using condoms that I had a little more libido.

But I would get another GYN and get your hormone levels checked.

Hope and pray that all works out!

I seen on a show recently that they are prescribing viagra for women now to increase their libdo. You might want to check with your doctor and ask him what he has to say about it. Google low sex drive for women and maybe it will show you the article or show that I see. I will say a prayer for you.

I actually read something on cnn.com yesterday regarding female impotence. Though that might not be the case entirely for you, I'd suggest reading the article. The solutions given aren't 100% proven, but I'd say it's worth a shot if it's going to turn your entire relationship sour.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/conditions/07/24/ep.women....

Like I said, the options given aren't necessarily proven to work, but if it was my marriage or trying something a little out of the ordinary, I'd try something new.

Hope it helps a little.

I agree with the others. Get a new doctor!

It get's better! After each of my pregnancies the same thing happened to me. You are on Mommy mode 24/7 and don't know how to turn it to wife and sexy lady mode. If you and your hubby can have a night to yourselves, and I mean an entire night where someone takes your little one overnight and you go to dinner or have a candelight one at home whatever floats your boat it is such a relief to know that your little one is nowhere around and you don't have to worry about interruptions.Set the mood and do whatever you do that gets you relaxed. A warm bath a romance novel, whatever. If your hubby truly loves you you will not divorce over this. You just have to be willing to try things. And for heavens sake change Dr.s!!! There's always something you can do to ahem... recharge your batteries so to speak. Sometimes it just takes getting over that first hurdle to bring the spark back. Set aside a date night just for you guys, it will take time but if you love each other it will be so worth it. My littlest is 9 mos. old and trust me some nights I'd just rather curl up and watch T.V. but I know it's an important part of a relationship so, like the rest of it you have to work at this too. Take care and good luck!
H.

go to a different doctor. A second option is always worthwhile.

Hi L.,
I have been there many times throughout my marriage. It is a cycle between the two of you that YOU have the power to break.
I am celebrating my 20th anniversary (to a sex fiend:0)and I want to tell you to hang in there because things will get much easier when your kids are a little more self-sufficient.

Remember this "WHEN WE CHANGE THE WAY WE LOOK AT THINGS, THE THINGS WE LOOK AT CHANGE."

Be happy that your hubby finds you desirable! He is a man and unlike a woman, he needs sex to de-stress. You are his refuge so to speak. I think being the man of a family would be very stressfull.

Also, a great book is THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS". It will help you understand the dynamics and thought processes or emotions of most men. Basically, they are simple creatures who only want food and sex! If you give him these things he will happily give you what you want.

There have been times earlier in my marriage when the kids were small that I knew we wouldn't survive because of the sex thing.Just practice negotiating. It doesn't always have to be full blown sex for him to be satisfied...maybe "help" him along by being "on display" or compromise somehow . It shows you are willing to help him and he can give you a break from sex without pouting.

Hang in there!!! It's worth it.

Best, K.

It sounds like the reasons behind you not wanting to have sex are more because of your self-esteem. You said "my body has never been the same" Not being comfortable with your new "mommy body" along with hormones can really take a roll in that department. If you can build yourself up enough, with your husbands help, I think you could totally get through this within a week or two.
If I were you....I'd sit down and talk to him in a happy light-hearted kinda of way so he doesn't shut down or get pissy.... Tell him that you miss how the two of you used to be so intimate, and that you really want to get that back. Ask him if he can help you a bit with compliments about you as a mommy as well as a wife and lover (whether sweet, dirty, and/or both). He should also mention the parts of your body he finds most attractive and anytime he thinks about those sorts of things to say them out loud. If you have kids around that could understand, than learn jibberish together. :-)
Being a mommy is an amazing world all on it's own. If your lucky enough to have that, and be in a marriage worth the effort, these days that's something.
Every woman is beautiful in her own way. Just because you're a mommy, doesn't mean you should feel guilty about letting out your wild side here and there or act like a sex object from time to time. Take some Super Vit.B complex twice a day as well as some green tea extract too to give ya an extra boost. Masturbation helps too. I mean in that you can become more in tuned with your body, and can better instruct him as to how to satisfy you. Hope this helps!

Get a new doctor. Get your hormone levels tested if you haven't already. Think about seeing a counselor... there are all sorts of things you can do, your doctor just isn't thinking hard enough.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have a two year old and a one year old. I know it may seem we were "busy" but believe me, it's a miracle I got pregnant with my second(we had very little sex). I definately had body image issues(still some lingering) and it wasn't until I started seriously exercising and calorie counting that I started losing the last of my pregnancy weight. Once that started happening~I wanted it! I definatley don't have my pre~baby libido back and I'm not sure I want it what with two small children to look after. I believe you have to feel good about yourself before you can regain your sexuality.

My husband waited patiently, which sometimes made me feel more guilty, so I'm entirely grateful for that!

Good Luck! &
Don't forget your Kegels!